Emotionally Abusive and Highly Reactive DH
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Anonymous
NP here. Sometimes, childhood events and upbringing trigger abused boys who become abusive men. For example, OP's DH may have been mistreated when their family went on "vacations" - where the parents dictated, feigned being oblivious to the mistreatment, or were wrapped up in themselves (selfish or mental illness) and turned a blind eye to the siblings, and how they treated/ganged up on each other. For some people, meal time is a trigger, as they may have been subjected to atrocities (silently, passively aggressively, or not) and they (DH) consequently do not look forward to what should have been a pleasant, bonding family time. Understandably so! Instead, "family time" has a negative connotation, and makes them (DH) flip out because of their negative association/expectations. It is not an uncommon phenomenon, especially with the 1950's/1960's/1970's era parents who were more self involved and paid far less attention (some barely any) to their kids and how they felt, or how they were being treated - while the parents smoked cigarettes and drank martinis at 5:30 PM each night, and ate dinner (sometimes canned Spaghetti-O's) not a minute later than 6 PM. The "children should be seen and not heard" mentality gone awry. Imagine growing up in that era, with a dysfunctional and checked out family. Not saying it is an excuse for the men/adults who lack coping mechanisms, just saying this explains a lot. Has your DH tried a therapist that could help him express himself better, OP? |
Anonymous
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Do not bring minor children to your divorce consultation, OP, odd suggestion above.
Having been married to someone like your DH, delaying divorce, while not ideal, might be optimal. You cannot imagine the drain of money and emotional energy that dragging you repeatedly through family court can extract. He will go after your job, will try to put the kids on the stand, will violate orders, if you think he is bad now, you can't really imagine. And many judges will not rein him in. The vendors and lawyers all make money. It's an ongoing nightmare and he will try to use neighbors, school staff and your HS classmates from FB as his flying monkeys. Try to avoid until kids age out. |
Anonymous
So he didn't just roll over and accept your baseless accusations of abuse and efforts to shake him down for big alimony and child support payments, then? Oh well. |
Anonymous
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Keep a diary.
Do you have any witnesses to his crazy? |
Anonymous
| Your DH is manipulative with his comments of ruining you. See an attorney STAT and find out what your options are. |
Anonymous
| Can you stay married but get a vacation home to escape with children at least for a few days? |
Anonymous
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Grey rock. Seriously, emotionally separate and treat him as a non-entity. No more family vacations.
Discreetly consult with an attorney and financially prepare for divorce in a few years. Keep detailed records/recordings of the abuse. Likely counseling for the kids, and more than likely family counseling for you and the kids when you do divorce. If the kids are older when you divorce a judge may take their living/visitation preferences into account. Life is simply too short and this guy has shown he's not going to change. Time for an exit strategy. |
Anonymous
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Record, with time stamps, your husbands threats and (depending on your agency) make a meeting with your security office to alert them preemptively to these threats. Your husband is not the first person to try to use a security clearance as leverage.
See whether your agency has free legal counseling services as well, and find out what your options are, but do not stay married to this man— if your child is old enough to “beg” you to divorce they are old enough to have their wishes taken into account in court. |
Anonymous
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Your kids are old enough that their wishes would be taken into consideration in terms of who they live with. If you have to move, you have to move. Tell your kids "If Daddy and I divorced, we would have to move out of our neighborhood, to a smaller home, different school district. I wouldn't be able to afford to stay there. You two might have to share a bedroom."
And talk to someone at work about your security clearance. I'm sure they've dealt with this before, even if you haven't. Do NOT wait to divorce him. |
Anonymous
This. I grew up having little to NO respect for my mother for staying with my father. In fact, I had even more disdain for my mother for keeping us in such an emotionally abusive situation, and for not doing more to protect me & my siblings. I never had a role model of what a healthy relationship should look like, and thus, I self sabotaged a few really good & healthy relationships for many years, because I didn't know how to let a man in or get close to me, for fear that he may become abusive one day. If you don't grow up witnessing healthy relationships, you CANNOT have one yourself, as you have no basis for understanding, no memories from witnessing them & no experience living within a healthy household. If they've never experienced or witnessed a healthy relationship in their childhood, how on earth could you expect them to go through life normally... especially since you haven't given them the tools to do so?? Don't you understand that you're setting up your kids for the same fate as me? Is that what you want for them?? 😳 You're mimicking the same unhealthy toxicity for your kids, and while you may believe staying with him is best, you're actually being a NEGLIGENT parent yourself, as you're forcing them to remain in a traumatic, toxic & terrifying environment. Growing up with such severe childhood trauma, causes very severe & long term issues as an adult, which manifests itself in THE most unhealthy & destructive ways possible (think; constantly seeking the approval & acceptance that we so desperately needed (but never received) from our fathers, but we find it in men that we probably should stay away from... and now connect that to sex). It will be far, far, FAR better for your children (*especially* if you have daughters!) to see that you are perfectly fine being alone, and you don't need anyone or anything but them to be happy. They need to see that you're ok all by yourself, and you definitely don't need a man or his paycheck to be happy. You need to mimic the relationship that you want for your children -- happy, healthy, safe & at peace. Right now, you're a terrible role model. I grew up thinking my mother was weak & pathetic -- and same as this PP, I never speak to her now because she's STILL making the same ridiculous excuses that OP is using (and they really are LAME, OP... I can punch a huge hole through each and every excuse you gave). That's something that you have to look forward to, OP... your kids will think you're weak & have no respect for you. How do you think your children perceive YOU for keeping them in such a miserable, toxic & unhealthy situation? They must have such severe anxiety... poor babies. You do know that childhood trauma is the most difficult to overcome, right?? And it doesn't just go away on its own, because if you don't get them into therapy STAT, they will figure out a way to make it all their fault, and it will screwed their lives up until they get help. Oh, and btw, if you hire a good lawyer, you won't have to worry about him messing with your security clearance, also your kids are tweens, which means the court takes their feelings into account -- if they tell the judge what life has been like in your home, he won't get 50/50. If you say what you said here, your husband will have to go through a psychological evaluation before being granted custody anyway, and it's very hard to fool a court psychologist. This isn't the 1950's you know, you don't need to have "visible bruises" for the court to believe that you're in an abusive relationship -- they understand that emotional & psychological abuse are very real for many families that come through their courtroom. How on earth do you live with yourself, after your child has BEGGED you to leave and you're like, hmmm, nah? I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. 😱 |
Anonymous
Yeah... her kids. 🙄 |
Anonymous
I used to do that as a child. My parents marriage was a nightmare of daily abuse and brawls. They divorced while I was in college. Should have happened years before. |
Anonymous
I'm in a similar situation and my 15 year old son has been saying this for 2 years. |
Anonymous
| It doesn’t need to be physical abuse to be abuse. And he may not get 50-50 custody if you can prove he is emotionally abusive. So yes, record him, talk to a lawyer, and divorce. |
Anonymous
All of this but really, your security clearance is actually MORE of an issue if you continue to love with an unstable, abusive person. If your kids are already begging you to divorce, they aren’t going to care that they might have to share a room…kids want peace, stability, and safety. They will get a say on where they live etc at this age. |