Emotionally Abusive and Highly Reactive DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Record, with time stamps, your husbands threats and (depending on your agency) make a meeting with your security office to alert them preemptively to these threats. Your husband is not the first person to try to use a security clearance as leverage.

See whether your agency has free legal counseling services as well, and find out what your options are, but do not stay married to this man— if your child is old enough to “beg” you to divorce they are old enough to have their wishes taken into account in court.

Good advice. Meet with your FSO and get it on record that DH has threatened this. If he follows through on a future reinvestigation, having a note in your file will provide needed context to assess the veracity of his remarks to the officer.

What you should not do is record DH if it would be illegal to do so. Maryland is a two party consent state. Committing a crime would be adverse for your cleared status.

[Anonymous]

I know this may not be a popular response but I like to watch Dr Phil reruns on YouTube and with the depp/heard case recently.
Is there anyway you can start recording Visual or audio to have proof? I was amazed how much they had at trial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yesterday, DC "begged" me to divorce him.

Oy vey, this bullsht again. I'll take "things that never happened" for $500, Alex.

Why would you say this? NP here. I asked my parents to divorce when I was 8. It was a miserable childhood.

They did not divorce and it was terrible growing up. I barely speak to them now. Too much damage done.

This.

I grew up having little to NO respect for my mother for staying with my father.
In fact, I had even more disdain for my mother for keeping us in such an emotionally abusive situation, and for not doing more to protect me & my siblings.
I never had a role model of what a healthy relationship should look like, and thus, I self sabotaged a few really good & healthy relationships for many years, because I didn't know how to let a man in or get close to me, for fear that he may become abusive one day.

If you don't grow up witnessing healthy relationships, you CANNOT have one yourself, as you have no basis for understanding, no memories from witnessing them & no experience living within a healthy household.

If they've never experienced or witnessed a healthy relationship in their childhood, how on earth could you expect them to go through life normally... especially since you haven't given them the tools to do so??

Don't you understand that you're setting up your kids for the same fate as me?
Is that what you want for them?? 😳

You're mimicking the same unhealthy toxicity for your kids, and while you may believe staying with him is best, you're actually being a NEGLIGENT parent yourself, as you're forcing them to remain in a traumatic, toxic & terrifying environment.

Growing up with such severe childhood trauma, causes very severe & long term issues as an adult, which manifests itself in THE most unhealthy & destructive ways possible (think; constantly seeking the approval & acceptance that we so desperately needed (but never received) from our fathers, but we find it in men that we probably should stay away from... and now connect that to sex).

It will be far, far, FAR better for your children (*especially* if you have daughters!) to see that you are perfectly fine being alone, and you don't need anyone or anything but them to be happy.
They need to see that you're ok all by yourself, and you definitely don't need a man or his paycheck to be happy.
You need to mimic the relationship that you want for your children -- happy, healthy, safe & at peace.

Right now, you're a terrible role model.

I grew up thinking my mother was weak & pathetic -- and same as this PP, I never speak to her now because she's STILL making the same ridiculous excuses that OP is using (and they really are LAME, OP... I can punch a huge hole through each and every excuse you gave).

That's something that you have to look forward to, OP... your kids will think you're weak & have no respect for you.

How do you think your children perceive YOU for keeping them in such a miserable, toxic & unhealthy situation? They must have such severe anxiety... poor babies.

You do know that childhood trauma is the most difficult to overcome, right??
And it doesn't just go away on its own, because if you don't get them into therapy STAT, they will figure out a way to make it all their fault, and it will screwed their lives up until they get help.

Oh, and btw, if you hire a good lawyer, you won't have to worry about him messing with your security clearance, also your kids are tweens, which means the court takes their feelings into account -- if they tell the judge what life has been like in your home, he won't get 50/50.
If you say what you said here, your husband will have to go through a psychological evaluation before being granted custody anyway, and it's very hard to fool a court psychologist.

This isn't the 1950's you know, you don't need to have "visible bruises" for the court to believe that you're in an abusive relationship -- they understand that emotional & psychological abuse are very real for many families that come through their courtroom.

How on earth do you live with yourself, after your child has BEGGED you to leave and you're like, hmmm, nah? I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. 😱

Wow, PP. I hope you’re in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yesterday, DC "begged" me to divorce him.

Oy vey, this bullsht again. I'll take "things that never happened" for $500, Alex.

Look, OP’s DH is here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this may not be a popular response but I like to watch Dr Phil reruns on YouTube and with the depp/heard case recently.
Is there anyway you can start recording Visual or audio to have proof? I was amazed how much they had at trial.

The takeaway from this is how much it did not matter.

All this advice to document and record is not really that helpful. You can start a domestic violence case if there is actual physical violence. Short of this, courts and judges do not care.

[Anonymous]

To all the people saying to document document document: it does not matter. Civil court and family court are two different animals. You can start a criminal case for domestic violence in civil court. Family court does not care about marital conflict in deciding custody. Unless he is hitting them (and sometimes even if he is, as parents are allowed to spank children in this country), in which case you should file a police report that will start a criminal case, documentation will not matter for custody. The only situation in which it might matter is if you do something yourself and then have to claim self-defense.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all for the advice and support. It's a difficult and isolating journey.

Sometimes it's difficult to forgive myself for ending up in this situation - how did I miss red flags, should have gotten out earlier before children or when my children were much younger. Regrets don't get you anywhere constructive. I need to focus on how to exit in the most strategic way with the least amount of damage. The recommendation to speak with the FSO at work is helpful. I'm sure they have encountered this situation. So far, I've kept my struggle very private and not mentioned it to anyone at work.

[Anonymous]

Get yourself a therapist and one for your kids. Find a divorce attorney who has been around the block, better yet if they specialize in NPD/borderline. Model for your children a strong woman and what is acceptable in relationships. Don’t give them the burden of responsibility for adult relationships. You can do this.

Xoxo,
Someone doing the exact same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all for the advice and support. It's a difficult and isolating journey.

Sometimes it's difficult to forgive myself for ending up in this situation - how did I miss red flags, should have gotten out earlier before children or when my children were much younger. Regrets don't get you anywhere constructive. I need to focus on how to exit in the most strategic way with the least amount of damage. The recommendation to speak with the FSO at work is helpful. I'm sure they have encountered this situation. So far, I've kept my struggle very private and not mentioned it to anyone at work.

There are lawyers who specialize in helping people with security clearance problems. I would consult an attorney who specializes in that area - I’m sure they would be able to advise you about how to protect yourself on this issue in divorce. Ask that person if they can recommend any divorce attorneys with experience re security clearances. A consult should cost you less than a thousand dollars for a couple hours of advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yesterday, DC "begged" me to divorce him.

Oy vey, this bullsht again. I'll take "things that never happened" for $500, Alex.

Why would you say this? NP here. I asked my parents to divorce when I was 8. It was a miserable childhood.

They did not divorce and it was terrible growing up. I barely speak to them now. Too much damage done.

This.

I grew up having little to NO respect for my mother for staying with my father.
In fact, I had even more disdain for my mother for keeping us in such an emotionally abusive situation, and for not doing more to protect me & my siblings.
I never had a role model of what a healthy relationship should look like, and thus, I self sabotaged a few really good & healthy relationships for many years, because I didn't know how to let a man in or get close to me, for fear that he may become abusive one day.

If you don't grow up witnessing healthy relationships, you CANNOT have one yourself, as you have no basis for understanding, no memories from witnessing them & no experience living within a healthy household. [How do you know this doesn't apply to the OP?]

If they've never experienced or witnessed a healthy relationship in their childhood, how on earth could you expect them to go through life normally... especially since you haven't given them the tools to do so??

Don't you understand that you're setting up your kids for the same fate as me?
Is that what you want for them?? 😳

You're mimicking the same unhealthy toxicity for your kids, and while you may believe staying with him is best, you're actually being a NEGLIGENT parent yourself, as you're forcing them to remain in a traumatic, toxic & terrifying environment.

Growing up with such severe childhood trauma, causes very severe & long term issues as an adult, which manifests itself in THE most unhealthy & destructive ways possible (think; constantly seeking the approval & acceptance that we so desperately needed (but never received) from our fathers, but we find it in men that we probably should stay away from... and now connect that to sex).

It will be far, far, FAR better for your children (*especially* if you have daughters!) to see that you are perfectly fine being alone, and you don't need anyone or anything but them to be happy.
They need to see that you're ok all by yourself, and you definitely don't need a man or his paycheck to be happy.
You need to mimic the relationship that you want for your children -- happy, healthy, safe & at peace.

Right now, you're a terrible role model.

I grew up thinking my mother was weak & pathetic -- and same as this PP, I never speak to her now because she's STILL making the same ridiculous excuses that OP is using (and they really are LAME, OP... I can punch a huge hole through each and every excuse you gave).

That's something that you have to look forward to, OP... your kids will think you're weak & have no respect for you.

How do you think your children perceive YOU for keeping them in such a miserable, toxic & unhealthy situation? They must have such severe anxiety... poor babies.

You do know that childhood trauma is the most difficult to overcome, right??
And it doesn't just go away on its own, because if you don't get them into therapy STAT, they will figure out a way to make it all their fault, and it will screwed their lives up until they get help.

Oh, and btw, if you hire a good lawyer, you won't have to worry about him messing with your security clearance, also your kids are tweens, which means the court takes their feelings into account -- if they tell the judge what life has been like in your home, he won't get 50/50.
If you say what you said here, your husband will have to go through a psychological evaluation before being granted custody anyway, and it's very hard to fool a court psychologist.

This isn't the 1950's you know, you don't need to have "visible bruises" for the court to believe that you're in an abusive relationship -- they understand that emotional & psychological abuse are very real for many families that come through their courtroom.

How on earth do you live with yourself, after your child has BEGGED you to leave and you're like, hmmm, nah? I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. 😱

I think it's pretty common to blame the non-abusive parent, even as an adult survivor, especially if she was the mother (internalized misogyny). It's safer than blaming the volatile abuser. And my heart hurts for the little child in you that wishes your mother had asked herself this question. But the truth is that your mother was a victim, just like you. She was a frog that was boiled, slowly, alive. And so is the OP. And your mother DID leave when you were 8. You can't see the need to leave until you see it. That's why OP is asking strangers, for a check to see if she is justifying and accepting too much.

When you yell at someone experiencing abuse on the internet, you give them that little bit of justification to discredit your message. Well that person is just mean, so their words can't be true. I understand your anger and pain, and your horror that kids might be living through what you lived through. I don't even expect you to have empathy, because you need to have it for yourself before you can pour your bucket out to others. But I do think you should vent your feelings in other ways that may not harm strangers who are already experiencing harm in their own homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all for the advice and support. It's a difficult and isolating journey.

Sometimes it's difficult to forgive myself for ending up in this situation - how did I miss red flags, should have gotten out earlier before children or when my children were much younger. Regrets don't get you anywhere constructive. I need to focus on how to exit in the most strategic way with the least amount of damage. The recommendation to speak with the FSO at work is helpful. I'm sure they have encountered this situation. So far, I've kept my struggle very private and not mentioned it to anyone at work.

Hugs, OP. I'm glad you've got some "next steps" in your mind.

I'm a big believer in your gut telling you when someone is trustworthy. Do you have a feeling about a friend or friendly acquaintance you think you might be able to confide in? Someone who doesn't know your DH and has no reason to "take sides"? You DO need support IRL. And I imagine you will be surprised at how passionately people feel for your plight once you put it into words.

[Anonymous]

A question for those of you telling OP to divorce...

How do you explain it to the kids? I realize the are teens and understand that her DH has anger issues, and have even begged her to divorce. But at the end of the day, you can't say I'm divorcing because you wanted me to.

So what does she say? We're divorcing because Dad's yelling has gotten out of hand? We're divorcing because your dad and I decided being married isn't the right thing for us, and we still love both of you, and leave it at that? And how does she explain the decline in lifestyle? What is the line between making it about the parents and not making the kids feel like they're part of the cause? Not making the Dad look like the bad guy (even if he is)? Or do those rules go out the window since they're not little kids anymore?