Emotionally Abusive and Highly Reactive DH

[Anonymous]

It's been a very difficult week, on vacation with emotionally abusive and highly reactive DH. He has been to counseling, he takes meds, we've tried different interventions, lots of baggage from him childhood. I'm at my wits end and he is becoming worse, not better despite all the "help" and intervention. To add insult to injury, my career has been more successive than him (completely different work fields) which has added to emotional abuse towards me. Once we talked about divorce, he said, he would do anything to destroy me if I filed for divorce, even if that means lying to jeopardize my security clearance which I need for my work. Yesterday, DC "begged" me to divorce him. My children are tweens. The main reasons I have not divorced him is because 1. he would be a nightmare parent to co-parent with. We would have joint custody because there's never been physical abuse issues but the emotional abuse is becoming unbearable. 2. we wouldn't afford to maintain two households and live in a good school district in the D.C. metro area. 3. I feel I can better protect my children if I am around. If we were divorced, the children would be alone with him. My plan is to divorce once the children get older when there are no more shared children's responsibilities. However, this is clearly not a healthy situation for anyone. Tips/feedback would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried counseling, OP? I think that could be the best way to discern your path forward. I'm sorry you are dealing with this abuse.

[Anonymous]

Consult a domestic abuse /women’s shelter. They will have resources specific to your needs.

I would also consider getting your kids into counselling now, as it sounds like they may have many years ahead of dealing with this, whether yiu choose to continue the marriage or not.

[Anonymous]

Your children are tweens which makes custody different. If both want to live with you and can articulate why it is not the same as when you have 5 year olds and will get 50/50.

[Anonymous]

My only worry - and it's one I share with you though my DH is only a fraction of what you're experiencing - is what you're showing the kids in terms of how they think of marriage and functioning as a family.

I would consider some therapy for them, or at least being very intentional when you talk to them about behaviors as they get older.

Have you tried grey rock? Just refusing to engage? separating as much as possible while still remaining married?

(again, I feel like that sets a terrible example for your kids, but suffering continued abuse also is terrible - bad options all around, I think).

[Anonymous]

I am also in an abusive situation with young kids. Grey rock is the best I can do for now until the kids get older.

[Anonymous]

Yesterday, DC "begged" me to divorce him.

Oy vey, this bullsht again. I'll take "things that never happened" for $500, Alex.

[Anonymous]

Are there some middle options? Could you send your DH on a break to recalibrate? Take separate vacations? Why does it have to be a divorce? What are other ways to change the envoirnment without going nuclear?

Dealing with mental health is HARD. Your definitely need to set boundaries for yourself and kids, while providing a reasonable path back for your spouse…if not for you, for you kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yesterday, DC "begged" me to divorce him.

Oy vey, this bullsht again. I'll take "things that never happened" for $500, Alex.

Why would you say this? NP here. I asked my parents to divorce when I was 8. It was a miserable childhood. They did not divorce and it was terrible growing up. I barely speak to them now. Too much damage done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yesterday, DC "begged" me to divorce him.

Oy vey, this bullsht again. I'll take "things that never happened" for $500, Alex.

Why would you say this? NP here. I asked my parents to divorce when I was 8. It was a miserable childhood. They did not divorce and it was terrible growing up. I barely speak to them now. Too much damage done.

Yeah I have a friend going through this and her kids all told her divorce dad.

If I thought maybe someone was lying on here about an abusive situation, I'd just not respond because it turns out that I am omniscient and can't guarantee that I'm not just being a jerk to an actual abuse victim.

OP, can you get him on a recording saying he'll make up stories to threaten your job? Might be a good CYA.

[Anonymous]

Wait, I missed it was a child who asked you to get divorced. Yikes.

I'd strongly strongly look for therapy. And look for ways to lessen tension in the house - lead more separate lives? And keep the kids away from any of this, while also considering how to help them navigate it. That is, you can't take them into your confidence, so how can you say to them, this isn't how most people live, this isn't the kind of peaceful life I want, we're muddling through as best we can, etc.

I think you can think seriously about divorce when the youngest is maybe 13 or so - courts will take into account teenager's preferences.

Meet with an attorney (pay cash, so it's not traceable) and learn what's realistic/possible in your situation. Start building a separate life. lay the groundwork for divorce, smartly, so he can't "destroy you" when it does happen.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely record his threats and save the recordings methodically. You just need to be also present talking to him calmly as he goes off limits

[Anonymous]

record him. record his abuse, record his threats. Save every email and txt exchange.

Ask him why he is determined to be miserable and make his family--the people in the world he is supposed to care about the most--miserable too. Note that you are on vacation! VACATION. Are these the memories he wants to leave his children with? And I would ask you the same. I think divorcing sooner, rather than later, is in your children's best interest.

[Anonymous]

Can you get therapy for yourself and your kids, to learn strategies to deal with DH? There might be other strategies than Grey Rock. It's good to have options.

If you talk to an attorney, think about bringing the kids (or talking to them afterward) so that they understand what would be the consequences of your divorce (loss of security clearance, etc.). That might help your relationship with your kids in the future.

[Anonymous]

How can you work on a marriage with someone who threatens to destroy you? This isn’t sustainable.

Your kids are old enough to have cell phones and call and ask you to pick them up, call police, etc. And I have a friend whose teen does not ever stay with one of their parents because they simply refuse. Your kids are old enough to articulate what’s going on at their dad’s house and express their preferences.

I think 50% of a peaceful, healthy household is better than 100% stress (the the point that your child is begging you to do something). If you leave, I would speak with HR at your company to prepare them for the fact that they may be contacted by your DH in an effort to do you harm. I don’t indhine it would be easy for him to compromise your security clearance.