How to parent this moment: specific example
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Anonymous
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I think you were wrong to interrupt him to check the timer. You can keep track of the time elsewhere and it really does mess up his game to stop to check the timer. When he's already on limited time, he probably feels like you asking him to stop playing to check the time is unfair and I agree w/ that.
HOWEVER, he also shouldn't have spoken rudely to you. He could've nicely said "please don't make me stop it it'll mess up my game" or something to that effect. since he was rude to you about it and was screaming, he handled it poorly. So essentially you're both in the wrong haha. I have a 7 year old boy who loves playing on the ipad too (of course!). We set limits on his time too but we do it on Alexa or on our phones so we can keep track of it ourselves. But if he's ever rude to us about anything related to the ipad/screens, he loses the privilege of having the ipad for a couple days. |
Anonymous
| You were disrespectful. If you were reading, would you like to be interrupted to be asked what page you are on? He was in the middle of a game / activity - many games are time sensitive. If you allow a set amount of time, he should be able to use that time completely. If you need to know how much time is left, keep your own timer or get a visual timer like “The Time Timer”. |
Anonymous
I think the way of responding is rude, but also pretty predictably rude. Personally, I try to avoid provoking conflicts like that, because there's not usually a good way out once they start. I did have to talk to my almost six year old about shouting "WHAT" when I interrupted tablet time to say something and replacing it with a calmer "yes?" In our house, I find that the timer approach to screen time doesn't really work that well; the limits are arbitrary and don't really make sense to my daughter. Instead, I limit tablet time based on circumstances and allow essentially unlimited use with those circumstances. For instance, the tablet is fine while I make dinner or clean up the living room, or when we're leaving for an activity in half an hour, or whatever. When those circumstances are done I give her a little time to wrap up the game and then I move us on to another activity. I was a gamer growing up and I still play a bit, and I know it's difficult to fit into arbitrary blocks of time; for me what I'm most interested in teaching is "this is something we do, but it's not all we do and it's not the primary thing we do" rather than "this is something we do for ten minutes a day." I've had good results with that and my daughter will play some days and then not at all for a week and we don't fight about it when I say no or tell her to move on. |
Anonymous
Ha. I mean, this is true. I definitely get irritated when I’m scrolling and my kid keeps interrupting me. I even do the “give me one more minute”, a minute goes by, I’m still scrolling, DC starts screaming “ITS BEEN MORE THAN A MINUTE!!!” That being said, I think: 1. Don’t put the timer on the tablet itself. Use your phone timer or the microwave. 2. Don’t ask your kid “can you…”. If you frame it as a question, they have the ability to say no. 3. For us, the timer is external and when time is up, I say “times up. Finish your game and then we’re putting it away” (because hey, when I’m in the middle of writing a super snarky DCuM post, I’d be pissed if someone grabbed my phone in the middle and I couldn’t finish). Then I sit there with her to watch when the game is done say “turn it off” I don’t ask it as a question, I make it a direction. I try to be empathetic and not expect them to comply easily and 100%. Screens are freaking hard. I have a hard time giving mine up, of course a child does, too. Writing this out makes me think I need a break from DCUM. Anyone else? |
Anonymous
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Why is it so hard for some parents to treat kids with the same respect they expect from their kids?
Knock and wait for an answer before you open a door. If you set a timer, wait until the timer ends and then address the device use if they don’t stop. If you need to pace yourself, set your own timer. If you are always asking your kids to be patient or to wait a moment, don’t expect your kids to drop everything and do your bidding immediately. If you wouldn’t do it / say it to an adult, why would it be ok to treat a kid that way? |
Anonymous
Honestly, I think the way you teach kids to share is by sharing. Suddenly demanding that people interrupt what their turn (and in many games stopping to swipe down is a major disruption) because you can't walk into a room with a clock is not sharing, it's asserting power. I would have accepted the initial no. |
Anonymous
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I will say that in our house, when screen time causes intense feelings of wanting to keep having screen time and a panicked feeling when it might end, we shut off the screens and immediately have a conversation about that. A calm, punishment-free conversation about why that concerns me as a parent. I often share that the reason it concerns me is that I recognize this behavior in myself, as well, when I am looking at my phone too much or using screen time to deal with stress. It's been very effective in helping my kids self police and recognize the difference between enjoying a show or a game and simply engaging in addictive behavior.
Agree with PPs that his response was really not out of line given that he was time-limited already and that doing what you asked would impact his game. It's really not that far off from how I might respond to my DH if he asked me to look up something on my computer while I was in the middle of something else. I think sometimes parents get this idea in their head that anything other than happy compliance from their kids is disrespectful. It's not. Kids are allowed to have normal reactions to things, and that response was normal. It's not like he called you names or screamed at you. He even explained why the request was unreasonable, and you just disregarded it and pushed on. He's advocating for himself and using words and reason to explain why he disagrees with you. All of that is good. This really does not strike me as an example of a kid being a jerk or needing punishment (though yes, possibly a convo about screen time and how it is negatively impact him). |
Anonymous
| My 7 and 9 year old both have iPad time on Friday and Sunday night, 8:30pm until between 9:30-10pm. We got them reach a timer so they can use to track the time (5 minute rest every 30 minutes, they mainly use it for doing online homework/reading myon or anything schoology etc). They know not to start Friday and Saturday night ipad time before 8:30pm or they aren’t allow to use the next day or the next week. You have to set the rule firmly. |
Anonymous
| Friday and Saturday night. |
Anonymous
This is trash, sorry. Either you trust your kid with the timer or you don’t. If you have to ask your kid how much time he has left, the timer isn’t for you. If he gets 30 minutes, it’s 30 minutes. Not mommy interrupting him at 15 wanting to know how much time is left. Set your own timer if you need to know how much time is left. |
Anonymous
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You should not have bothered him in the middle of his game, I would be angry too. Just wait for the timer.
I also wouldn’t let a 7 year old have iPad time, precisely because I don’t need any power struggles over it. But that’s a parental preference thing. |
Anonymous
This was my reaction too. You were really a jerk to your kid. |
Anonymous
I would have taken it away the first time he spoke to me like that. However, I suspect he speaks to you like this all the time. This is on you He is a spoiled brat and he would be a very long time before he played any game again. |
Anonymous
I personally think that OP is doing a poor job of teaching her son how to behave appropriately. She showed very little respect for him or his free time. Is it any wonder that he showed the same lack of respect for her? OP--yes, your son was rude and deserves to be disciplined for it. However, you need to do so gently because you set the poor example for him. You showed him that he doesn't get or deserve respect, so he lashed out at you with same lack of respect. You need to show that you respect him. You gave him screen time with a limit. He was entitled to that time, uninterrupted by you. You interrupted him, the first sign of disrespect. You asked him a question. He gave you an answer. You interrupted him again, again being completely disrespectful. Essentially, you're teaching him that you can ask a question, he can say no and that you don't need to take no for an answer. If you were a father or male figure doing the same to a daughter, the armies of DCUM would descend upon you and teach you that "no" means no. That means that when he is on his own free time, or time you've set for him, you have to give him the time. You can't interrupt him. If you interrupt him, it needs to be for a good reason, not that you coudln't be bothered to set a separate timer so you wouldn't have to interrupt him. And if you ask a question, and the answer is no, you have to respect that. Now, you need to go back and figure out how to teach the both of you to be more respectful of each other. I get that there are times that there are different rules for adults and children, but they have to be important reasons. In this case they were not, so you need to be as respectful towards him as you expect him to be towards you. |
Anonymous
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Don't use the Ipad timer, use an external timer that he and you can both see and set it for five minutes less than whatever time you agree on. You and he would both know that when it goes off he has five more minutes, then set it for five more minutes.
If he doesn't relinquish the Ipad fairly quickly then you have a discussion about how this system works and what the consequences will be if he doesn't respond to the timer. |