How to parent this moment: specific example

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

This is exactly why I posted.

I can’t gauge if I was in the wrong to bother him, or I should’ve set another timer.

Or he’s rude.

Or both.

A bit of both. Set a timer on your phone.

[Anonymous]

You handled it fine. Next time you might say larlo, I’m warning you. If you don’t check the timer then the game is finished right now. If he doesn’t listen take it immediately. Don’t try explaining too much when he’s upset. Wait for him to calm down and talk about it later. Don’t give it back immediately after crying ends either, I would say he needs to “earn it back “.

Pausing a game for any reason shouldn’t be a difficult request since most games have pause buttons. Teach him to find it if he doesn’t already know.

If anything causes repeated problems I just stop letting kids use it for awhile. Sometimes it’s specific apps or games that cause problems, sometimes it’s just the iPad. I then find other games or resources to address what was causing the problem. In your example I would find things that work on following directions and interrupting a preferred activity. We would try the iPad again when those skills are more consistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not ask my kids to do things unless I'm prepared for them to say no. I tell them to do things. I also never give more than ten minutes. So I wouldn't let them have a game that takes longer than ten minutes to complete, to avoid the issue you had.

Right now, I'd take the iPad away for a week or two. I'd tell DS that he needs to do what he's told, WHEN he's told and if he doesn't there will be consequences he won't like.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You handled it fine. Next time you might say larlo, I’m warning you. If you don’t check the timer then the game is finished right now. If he doesn’t listen take it immediately. Don’t try explaining too much when he’s upset. Wait for him to calm down and talk about it later. Don’t give it back immediately after crying ends either, I would say he needs to “earn it back “.

Pausing a game for any reason shouldn’t be a difficult request since most games have pause buttons. Teach him to find it if he doesn’t already know.

If anything causes repeated problems I just stop letting kids use it for awhile. Sometimes it’s specific apps or games that cause problems, sometimes it’s just the iPad. I then find other games or resources to address what was causing the problem. In your example I would find things that work on following directions and interrupting a preferred activity. We would try the iPad again when those skills are more consistent.

What’s the point of the timer if you are going to interrupt the child using the device? OP basically set her child up to fail.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes dcum worries me--responses about how the op was behaving badly and the kid has the right to talk to her like that because she interrupted his precious iPad time makes me worry greatly about the ability for these future adults to be able to delay gratification and handle situations that are not ideal to them without feeling majorly put out. When my mom told me to turn off my gameboy, I did it; no questions asked. I am not bitter towards my mom nor do I have any major anxiety issues related to not getting to finish my game or being respected as a kid. I think kids are being babied by this generation of parents and it's going to affect how they do in college (already a problem, college students even pre pandemic not able to handle being away from home and adulting) and as adults. Sometimes kids need to know the world doesn't revolve around them and their immediate wants.

Op, I think you were fine. Talk to the kid about how it can go differently next time, see if he has a solution (see if he can come up with the idea of a separate timer on his own before you suggest it--problem solving is a good skill for them to have). And talk about tone and model the tone you want them to have. "If you yell at me about the iPad you will lose the iPad. If you're upset about a choice I make regarding the iPad; this is how you can say it...."

I'm the old 40 year old last brandishing my cane and saying "kids these days!" But I really worry about it. Especially because of the screens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You handled it fine. Next time you might say larlo, I’m warning you. If you don’t check the timer then the game is finished right now. If he doesn’t listen take it immediately. Don’t try explaining too much when he’s upset. Wait for him to calm down and talk about it later. Don’t give it back immediately after crying ends either, I would say he needs to “earn it back “.

Pausing a game for any reason shouldn’t be a difficult request since most games have pause buttons. Teach him to find it if he doesn’t already know.

If anything causes repeated problems I just stop letting kids use it for awhile. Sometimes it’s specific apps or games that cause problems, sometimes it’s just the iPad. I then find other games or resources to address what was causing the problem. In your example I would find things that work on following directions and interrupting a preferred activity. We would try the iPad again when those skills are more consistent.

What’s the point of the timer if you are going to interrupt the child using the device? OP basically set her child up to fail.

+1 But to give OP credit, she came here to ask the question because she realized she might have handled it wrong, which she did. Hopefully she will learn from this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has limited time already and you sucked the joy out of that time.

Completely agree. Keep track of the time on a different device.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes dcum worries me--responses about how the op was behaving badly and the kid has the right to talk to her like that because she interrupted his precious iPad time makes me worry greatly about the ability for these future adults to be able to delay gratification and handle situations that are not ideal to them without feeling majorly put out. When my mom told me to turn off my gameboy, I did it; no questions asked. I am not bitter towards my mom nor do I have any major anxiety issues related to not getting to finish my game or being respected as a kid. I think kids are being babied by this generation of parents and it's going to affect how they do in college (already a problem, college students even pre pandemic not able to handle being away from home and adulting) and as adults. Sometimes kids need to know the world doesn't revolve around them and their immediate wants.

Op, I think you were fine. Talk to the kid about how it can go differently next time, see if he has a solution (see if he can come up with the idea of a separate timer on his own before you suggest it--problem solving is a good skill for them to have). And talk about tone and model the tone you want them to have. "If you yell at me about the iPad you will lose the iPad. If you're upset about a choice I make regarding the iPad; this is how you can say it...."

I'm the old 40 year old last brandishing my cane and saying "kids these days!" But I really worry about it. Especially because of the screens.

No you are wrong. You completely do not understand how video games work. The Mom set up the kid to fail and completely disrespected the kids space that he was promised to play a game. She essentially lord about his game time because if she said “you have five minutes of play” but then effectively spoiled his game after three minutes then she misled him and he rightfully was frustrated.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if many of the posters here even understand how certain video games work. A game or match might take 5-10 minutes to complete. If you close the iPad or check the timer or do something else during that time the game is ruined or has to be restarted. What I do with iPad time is set an external timer that everyone can see, we use Alexa, and then the give my kids a 5–10 minute warning when the timer is about to expire so that they can finish up what they are doing and not start a new game that they won’t have time to complete.

I agree that your son was rude, but look at it from his perspective as well, he gets limited video game time each day and he was being asked to ruin part of that time by having his game or match interrupted. Can you understand how if you get 30 minutes a day of something that you really like, losing 5-10 minutes of it to check a timer might be really upsetting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not ask my kids to do things unless I'm prepared for them to say no. I tell them to do things. I also never give more than ten minutes. So I wouldn't let them have a game that takes longer than ten minutes to complete, to avoid the issue you had.

Right now, I'd take the iPad away for a week or two. I'd tell DS that he needs to do what he's told, WHEN he's told and if he doesn't there will be consequences he won't like.

I do the same and why does OP allow her child to speak to her so disrespectfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if many of the posters here even understand how certain video games work. A game or match might take 5-10 minutes to complete. If you close the iPad or check the timer or do something else during that time the game is ruined or has to be restarted. What I do with iPad time is set an external timer that everyone can see, we use Alexa, and then the give my kids a 5–10 minute warning when the timer is about to expire so that they can finish up what they are doing and not start a new game that they won’t have time to complete.

I agree that your son was rude, but look at it from his perspective as well, he gets limited video game time each day and he was being asked to ruin part of that time by having his game or match interrupted. Can you understand how if you get 30 minutes a day of something that you really like, losing 5-10 minutes of it to check a timer might be really upsetting.

You know what, there are interruptions in school, work, and throughout life. This kid is in school and when his teacher tells him to do something he doesn't want to do, will he react the same way? He is going to have a hard life with his attitude and OP is to blame. I would have taken that Ipad from him for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if many of the posters here even understand how certain video games work. A game or match might take 5-10 minutes to complete. If you close the iPad or check the timer or do something else during that time the game is ruined or has to be restarted. What I do with iPad time is set an external timer that everyone can see, we use Alexa, and then the give my kids a 5–10 minute warning when the timer is about to expire so that they can finish up what they are doing and not start a new game that they won’t have time to complete.

I agree that your son was rude, but look at it from his perspective as well, he gets limited video game time each day and he was being asked to ruin part of that time by having his game or match interrupted. Can you understand how if you get 30 minutes a day of something that you really like, losing 5-10 minutes of it to check a timer might be really upsetting.

You know what, there are interruptions in school, work, and throughout life. This kid is in school and when his teacher tells him to do something he doesn't want to do, will he react the same way? He is going to have a hard life with his attitude and OP is to blame. I would have taken that Ipad from him for a long time.

Why, though? That’s the point of the timer. You have X minutes to play. Why use the timer system if YOU plan to basically abuse it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes dcum worries me--responses about how the op was behaving badly and the kid has the right to talk to her like that because she interrupted his precious iPad time makes me worry greatly about the ability for these future adults to be able to delay gratification and handle situations that are not ideal to them without feeling majorly put out. When my mom told me to turn off my gameboy, I did it; no questions asked. I am not bitter towards my mom nor do I have any major anxiety issues related to not getting to finish my game or being respected as a kid. I think kids are being babied by this generation of parents and it's going to affect how they do in college (already a problem, college students even pre pandemic not able to handle being away from home and adulting) and as adults. Sometimes kids need to know the world doesn't revolve around them and their immediate wants.

Op, I think you were fine. Talk to the kid about how it can go differently next time, see if he has a solution (see if he can come up with the idea of a separate timer on his own before you suggest it--problem solving is a good skill for them to have). And talk about tone and model the tone you want them to have. "If you yell at me about the iPad you will lose the iPad. If you're upset about a choice I make regarding the iPad; this is how you can say it...."

I'm the old 40 year old last brandishing my cane and saying "kids these days!" But I really worry about it. Especially because of the screens.

No you are wrong. You completely do not understand how video games work. The Mom set up the kid to fail and completely disrespected the kids space that he was promised to play a game. She essentially lord about his game time because if she said “you have five minutes of play” but then effectively spoiled his game after three minutes then she misled him and he rightfully was frustrated.

I do understand, actually. And my point still stands. Back to my gameboy analogy. Back in the dark ages games didn't save at all. So if I was at level 10 of teenage mutant ninja turtles and my mom told me to turn off my gameboy, I would have to start back at the beginning. I survived the trauma. It's a video game. I think an alternate timer is a good idea, but the whole "your kid was right to yell at you because you ruined his game" BS is the attitude to worry about. That our kids can never be disappointed by us and they can yell at their parents at every frustration. If you're paving the way for everything to be easy for them; they won't cope as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if many of the posters here even understand how certain video games work. A game or match might take 5-10 minutes to complete. If you close the iPad or check the timer or do something else during that time the game is ruined or has to be restarted. What I do with iPad time is set an external timer that everyone can see, we use Alexa, and then the give my kids a 5–10 minute warning when the timer is about to expire so that they can finish up what they are doing and not start a new game that they won’t have time to complete.

I agree that your son was rude, but look at it from his perspective as well, he gets limited video game time each day and he was being asked to ruin part of that time by having his game or match interrupted. Can you understand how if you get 30 minutes a day of something that you really like, losing 5-10 minutes of it to check a timer might be really upsetting.

You know what, there are interruptions in school, work, and throughout life. This kid is in school and when his teacher tells him to do something he doesn't want to do, will he react the same way? He is going to have a hard life with his attitude and OP is to blame. I would have taken that Ipad from him for a long time.

Oh give me a break. Yes interruptions happen but there is no need to create fake unnecessary interruptions just for the hell of it and then punish your children because they don’t react with politeness to the interruptions.

If you were hungry and eating dinner and I came over to your house and said “put the knife and fork down now, I need to discuss Xmas presents right away (even though Xmas is 6 months away)” I highly doubt whether you would polite. What if you were slightly rude to me, would the proper response be to throw the meal in the trash and then say “well no more dinner tonight”