Wife constantly talking about how much men suck

[Anonymous]

Maybe her father was a loser, or worse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you find it off-putting? Is it because it’s a downer? Because it’s constant? Because you are in the group that is pissing her off? All three?

If it’s because it’s a downer and/or constant, and you have already tried finding common ground and changing the subject, I’d just tell her you love her but you don’t have it in you to keep talking about it and encourage her to find people to vent to, like a friend, online group, or therapist.

If it’s because you’re a man and feeling defensive on behalf of yourself or other men, examine that feeling. Defensiveness usually comes from somewhere. And perhaps try to really, really see where she is coming from. A lot of men agree intellectually with this stuff but don’t actually get it. I find that when men really do get it, they feel less defensiveness and more compassion for their partner. And a little anger on their behalf.

Let’s try this:

Imagine it was the husband ranting about how much women suck abs how much he hates women.

Is this even remotely ok?

I'm sure she would take a moment to understand why she's feeling defensive. Maybe it's because she doesn't get it and because maybe he's right about how bad women are.
Haha. Of course not.

Maybe it's because slagging on a group is problematic to start with and slagging on a group you happen to be a member of is doubly so. It's not "men" she is mad at. It's "men with power who hold particular opinions" she is mad at. But it's more time consuming and less emotionally satisfying to rant against a more precise group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But, many , many, many men do suck - in all corners of women’s lives - male colleagues, bosses, peers, relatives members of the public. It deeply affects the quality and trajectory of our lives. If you can’t recognize that and instead feel threatened by it, think your wife should just keep quiet about it, or if you feel obligated to stick up for sucky men just because they are your male brethren, then, TBH, there is something wrong with you and you should do some serious self-reflection.

And if you’re about to respond - but I don’t suck and I’m a man so why should I tolerate being lumped in with all the men? Well, that means you do not even begin to recognize the immense male privilege you have benefitted from every second of your life since you were born.

OP’s wife found the thread. I’m a woman and think all this man hating is very toxic. If YOU are having this much trouble with every man you encounter than maybe the problem isn’t them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But, many , many, many men do suck - in all corners of women’s lives - male colleagues, bosses, peers, relatives members of the public. It deeply affects the quality and trajectory of our lives. If you can’t recognize that and instead feel threatened by it, think your wife should just keep quiet about it, or if you feel obligated to stick up for sucky men just because they are your male brethren, then, TBH, there is something wrong with you and you should do some serious self-reflection.

And if you’re about to respond - but I don’t suck and I’m a man so why should I tolerate being lumped in with all the men? Well, that means you do not even begin to recognize the immense male privilege you have benefitted from every second of your life since you were born.

You would not say the same thing if a man was beset by his female colleagues, bosses, peers, relatives, etc. and abstracted his negative feelings about them onto women as a whole. You'll try to justify the double standard by some hand waving about societal power, but it's still wrong.

[Anonymous]

Communication. You tell her that while you understand why she is upset and venting, you can only take so much of the venting before it becomes exhausting and offensive since you are in the target group she is venting on. Ask her to self-regulate and not be so constant in this venting about men. If she can't self-regulate, then go to hard limits like the PP who said "5 more minutes and then we move on" and sets a timer. Give her room to vent, but put limits on it. That's the compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm generally on the same side as my wife politically, and I agree that women tend to get the short end of the stick in a lot of ways, politically, legally, and culturally. But the constant drumbeat of how men suck is just really off-putting. When I occasionally object, she'll say some variant of "oh, I don't mean you." If I was on and on about the shortcomings of women, she'd be furious. And she'd take it personally.

Anyone else have a spouse who fixates on a single subject in a way that's relentlessly negative? If so, how do you deal with it?

I tend to fall into this trap, too. It’s a mix of reaching a certain age, realizing how patriarchy has negatively impacted my life, and the current political climate that finally acknowledges misogyny and that it’s not okay. When I see aspects of the patriarchy play out in my life - how my H doesn’t do chores unless I nag, how the boys in my DD’s class are treated differently, how my dad mansplains things to me, how my male clients treat me differently - it’s easy for me to get angry at men. And also when I look back at how males treated me in my teens and twenties, and now how in my late 30s I have zero value, I get very angry.

But, my H is BIPOC and while I understand his frustrations with systemic racism and white people in general, I would also get irritated if he constantly went on about how horrible white people are “except for you, dear”.

What’s helped both of us is to have open minded conversations about our experiences. I listen to his stories about how he’s been targeted by police, his negative experiences with white people, how he feels out of place in white-majority spaces, etc. He listens to my stories about being harassed and intimidated, feeling scared about bodily autonomy, how having children has had a greater impact on my life, etc. When either of us says something insensitive, we talk about it openly. We’ve both done a lot of reading and learning on our own, since we have mixed-race daughters who will face both misogyny and racism, and we want to be able to guide them.

I think the best thing for you to do is to ask questions about how patriarchy and misogyny have impacted her personally, and listen with an open mind rather than trying to point out how she’s wrong. It’s very dismissive to say something like “not all men” when it’s a cultural phenomenon, just like it would be dismissive if I said to my H “not all white people” or “not all cops”. Then take her information to heart and see where your own behavior can change. Read a book or listen to some podcasts. It’s very likely that patriarchy does impact your marriage - maybe she does more childcare or more chores, or she feels the pressure to even if you don’t overtly pressure her - and do what you can to alter your behavior to make things more equitable and make her feel more valued. This has helped a lot in my own marriage.

[Anonymous]

the mainstream media, constantly trashes cis-gender males

White guy here. I’m hardly being victimized by the mainstream anything.

[Anonymous]

Men are dumb AF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:.


I think the best thing for you to do is to ask questions about how patriarchy and misogyny have impacted her personally, and listen with an open mind rather than trying to point out how she’s wrong. It’s very dismissive to say something like “not all men” when it’s a cultural phenomenon, just like it would be dismissive if I said to my H “not all white people” or “not all cops”. Then take her information to heart and see where your own behavior can change. Read a book or listen to some podcasts. It’s very likely that patriarchy does impact your marriage - maybe she does more childcare or more chores, or she feels the pressure to even if you don’t overtly pressure her - and do what you can to alter your behavior to make things more equitable and make her feel more valued. This has helped a lot in my own marriage.

I see how this helps the wife with her legitimate complaints. How does this help the husband with his legitimate complaints? She's still trashing men frequently and at length, and it makes sense that the husband would grow weary of this after awhile.

[Anonymous]

My husband agrees with me that men suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband agrees with me that men suck.

Now we know why some boys grow up hating women. These women constantly belittling and raving about how awful men are while raising boys is why they get so f&&ked up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband agrees with me that men suck.

Now we know why some boys grow up hating women. These women constantly belittling and raving about how awful men are while raising boys is why they get so f&&ked up.

Nah, my boys agree too. They’re growing up to be part of the solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you find it off-putting? Is it because it’s a downer? Because it’s constant? Because you are in the group that is pissing her off? All three?

If it’s because it’s a downer and/or constant, and you have already tried finding common ground and changing the subject, I’d just tell her you love her but you don’t have it in you to keep talking about it and encourage her to find people to vent to, like a friend, online group, or therapist.

If it’s because you’re a man and feeling defensive on behalf of yourself or other men, examine that feeling. Defensiveness usually comes from somewhere. And perhaps try to really, really see where she is coming from. A lot of men agree intellectually with this stuff but don’t actually get it. I find that when men really do get it, they feel less defensiveness and more compassion for their partner. And a little anger on their behalf.

Let’s try this:

Imagine it was the husband ranting about how much women suck abs how much he hates women.

Is this even remotely ok?

I'm sure she would take a moment to understand why she's feeling defensive. Maybe it's because she doesn't get it and because maybe he's right about how bad women are.
Haha. Of course not.

Maybe it's because slagging on a group is problematic to start with and slagging on a group you happen to be a member of is doubly so. It's not "men" she is mad at. It's "men with power who hold particular opinions" she is mad at. But it's more time consuming and less emotionally satisfying to rant against a more precise group.

That’s projecting. OP says she hates men. She hates OP and her sons. I know women like this. They just hate men- the ones in power to the ones walking down the street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife does the same, we have two boys.

And a near sexless marriage. Maybe I married a lesbian.

Tell us about your girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Yes, your wife should know her audience and be less tone deaf.

My husband has Asperger's tendencies and frequently under or over-react to various things. He can't hear himself. It's not fun living with someone like that.