Wife constantly talking about how much men suck

[Anonymous]

I'm generally on the same side as my wife politically, and I agree that women tend to get the short end of the stick in a lot of ways, politically, legally, and culturally. But the constant drumbeat of how men suck is just really off-putting. When I occasionally object, she'll say some variant of "oh, I don't mean you." If I was on and on about the shortcomings of women, she'd be furious. And she'd take it personally.

Anyone else have a spouse who fixates on a single subject in a way that's relentlessly negative? If so, how do you deal with it?

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing you don’t have sons.

I really hate when women do this.

My dad, grandfathers, uncles, BIL, nephews (now young adults) and my own teen sons are all wonderful, empathetic men married to strong women. All of us work—sister, nephews’ wives (doctors, lawyers, etc). All the men are very active in their children’s lives and around the house. They are supportive of woman’s causes, etc.

The man-haters really chafe me as a woman, particularly a woman with all sons who were raised to be good people …and are just that.

[Anonymous]

Try not to focus on the content but rather the negativity. It’s a downer. I’m a lesbian married to a woman, and I can only listen to so much of my wife going on and on about how awful Trump & Co are. I’ve started saying things like “Okay, 5 more minutes of political ranting. Then we move onto something else.” I literally set the timer on my watch.

It’s exhausting.

[Anonymous]

maybe she's in the closet

[Anonymous]

Why do you find it off-putting? Is it because it’s a downer? Because it’s constant? Because you are in the group that is pissing her off? All three?

If it’s because it’s a downer and/or constant, and you have already tried finding common ground and changing the subject, I’d just tell her you love her but you don’t have it in you to keep talking about it and encourage her to find people to vent to, like a friend, online group, or therapist.

If it’s because you’re a man and feeling defensive on behalf of yourself or other men, examine that feeling. Defensiveness usually comes from somewhere. And perhaps try to really, really see where she is coming from. A lot of men agree intellectually with this stuff but don’t actually get it. I find that when men really do get it, they feel less defensiveness and more compassion for their partner. And a little anger on their behalf.

[Anonymous]

Her social media, and the mainstream media, constantly trashes cis-gender males

Especially white, cis-gender, males.

Your spouse is just repeating what she constantly hears from media.

Now consider why . . .

[Anonymous]

My wife does the same, we have two boys.

And a near sexless marriage. Maybe I married a lesbian.

[Anonymous]

Ask her how she'd feel if you were constantly generalizing how terrible all women are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you find it off-putting? Is it because it’s a downer? Because it’s constant? Because you are in the group that is pissing her off? All three?

If it’s because it’s a downer and/or constant, and you have already tried finding common ground and changing the subject, I’d just tell her you love her but you don’t have it in you to keep talking about it and encourage her to find people to vent to, like a friend, online group, or therapist.

If it’s because you’re a man and feeling defensive on behalf of yourself or other men, examine that feeling. Defensiveness usually comes from somewhere. And perhaps try to really, really see where she is coming from. A lot of men agree intellectually with this stuff but don’t actually get it. I find that when men really do get it, they feel less defensiveness and more compassion for their partner. And a little anger on their behalf.

Let’s try this:

Imagine it was the husband ranting about how much women suck abs how much he hates women.

Is this even remotely ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife does the same, we have two boys.

And a near sexless marriage. Maybe I married a lesbian.

I feel so sorry for your sons.

[Anonymous]

And I was going to say my husband sucks, and also licks and nibbles and occasionally nibbles, but that isn't where you were going 😉

[Anonymous]

But, many , many, many men do suck - in all corners of women’s lives - male colleagues, bosses, peers, relatives members of the public. It deeply affects the quality and trajectory of our lives. If you can’t recognize that and instead feel threatened by it, think your wife should just keep quiet about it, or if you feel obligated to stick up for sucky men just because they are your male brethren, then, TBH, there is something wrong with you and you should do some serious self-reflection.

And if you’re about to respond - but I don’t suck and I’m a man so why should I tolerate being lumped in with all the men? Well, that means you do not even begin to recognize the immense male privilege you have benefitted from every second of your life since you were born.

[Anonymous]

Damn—way to gloss over what OP said. I’m the lesbian who posted above. We’re not all man-haters, and to jump to the conclusion that OP’s wife must be a lesbian speaks more about your limited cognitive processing and immaturity than anything else. I’d be just as annoyed as OP if my spouse kept trashing men. As I stated above, my own spouse can go on and on about how awful Trump and Republicans are. I promise that just because get tired of it doesn’t mean I’m a closeted Republican. To quote OP, it’s about his spouse being “relentlessly negative.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing you don’t have sons.

I really hate when women do this.

My dad, grandfathers, uncles, BIL, nephews (now young adults) and my own teen sons are all wonderful, empathetic men married to strong women. All of us work—sister, nephews’ wives (doctors, lawyers, etc). All the men are very active in their children’s lives and around the house. They are supportive of woman’s causes, etc.

The man-haters really chafe me as a woman, particularly a woman with all sons who were raised to be good people …and are just that.

I do have a son. I tend to push back on this stuff when he's around. Unless she acknowledges it, he can't be expected to understand that she's not talking about all men when she's speaking imprecisely. I think it's appropriate for my son to be cognizant of the ways in which society is structured to disadvantage women, but it shouldn't be done in a way that misleads him into thinking he's somehow bad or at fault due to his gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try not to focus on the content but rather the negativity. It’s a downer. I’m a lesbian married to a woman, and I can only listen to so much of my wife going on and on about how awful Trump & Co are. I’ve started saying things like “Okay, 5 more minutes of political ranting. Then we move onto something else.” I literally set the timer on my watch.

It’s exhausting.

That's a good move. My wife isn't wrong about most of this, but there's only so much doom and gloom that's useful.