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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm generally on the same side as my wife politically, and I agree that women tend to get the short end of the stick in a lot of ways, politically, legally, and culturally. But the constant drumbeat of how men suck is just really off-putting. When I occasionally object, she'll say some variant of "oh, I don't mean you." If I was on and on about the shortcomings of women, she'd be furious. And she'd take it personally.

Anyone else have a spouse who fixates on a single subject in a way that's relentlessly negative? If so, how do you deal with it?[/quote]

I tend to fall into this trap, too. It’s a mix of reaching a certain age, realizing how patriarchy has negatively impacted my life, and the current political climate that finally acknowledges misogyny and that it’s not okay. When I see aspects of the patriarchy play out in my life - how my H doesn’t do chores unless I nag, how the boys in my DD’s class are treated differently, how my dad mansplains things to me, how my male clients treat me differently - it’s easy for me to get angry at men. And also when I look back at how males treated me in my teens and twenties, and now how in my late 30s I have zero value, I get very angry.

But, my H is BIPOC and while I understand his frustrations with systemic racism and white people in general, I would also get irritated if he constantly went on about how horrible white people are “except for you, dear”.

What’s helped both of us is to have open minded conversations about our experiences. I listen to his stories about how he’s been targeted by police, his negative experiences with white people, how he feels out of place in white-majority spaces, etc. He listens to my stories about being harassed and intimidated, feeling scared about bodily autonomy, how having children has had a greater impact on my life, etc. When either of us says something insensitive, we talk about it openly. We’ve both done a lot of reading and learning on our own, since we have mixed-race daughters who will face both misogyny and racism, and we want to be able to guide them.

I think the best thing for you to do is to ask questions about how patriarchy and misogyny have impacted her personally, and listen with an open mind rather than trying to point out how she’s wrong. It’s very dismissive to say something like “not all men” when it’s a cultural phenomenon, just like it would be dismissive if I said to my H “not all white people” or “not all cops”. Then take her information to heart and see where your own behavior can change. Read a book or listen to some podcasts. It’s very likely that patriarchy does impact your marriage - maybe she does more childcare or more chores, or she feels the pressure to even if you don’t overtly pressure her - and do what you can to alter your behavior to make things more equitable and make her feel more valued. This has helped a lot in my own marriage. [/quote]

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