Am I too mean to say that even though it is true?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to let him know that mommy will die one day and he needs to grow up to learn to do things by himself. Once or twice a month, he would say that he will feel sad because there's only 12 years left before he is going to be kicked out. He would ask if I will give him some money before he leaves, or will he have a party before he leave home.

His worry suggests that you have pushed it too far. Yes, kids need to learn that their parents will die, but I certainly am not proactively reminding my kids of that fact. It's more that they gradually learn what death is, and then that all people die, and then have the realization that that means their parents will die too! And then when they freak out, I'm there as a parent to comfort them, saying that I don't intend to die for a very long time, but also that I will make sure that my child is always taken care of. I don't use my inevitable death as a threat.

I do want my kids to be independent adults who can function on their own out in the world, but I expect them to do so with must support and gradually lessening intervention, not out of fear that they'll be all alone in the cold, cruel world the day they turn 18.

[Anonymous]

This is so mean I hope this is a troll. If not, op, please tell all your friends what you told us here. I would drop you if you were my friend.

[Anonymous]

He’s 6, cut him a break he can’t comprehend big life changes like death and living alone yet. You have 12 years to teach him how to be independent but a 12 year countdown clock seems a bit extreme.

[Anonymous]

Op here. This is not a troll, and I come from a culture that many over 18 adults still live with parents to save money. I just could use better words but he really relies on me to do many things that he could.

Probably I am using this as a threat to push him to do things on his own because I have been using reminders and nice words to ask him to do it and he whines a lot. Of course I would wait at least he finishes high school but I tell him that he needs to find a part time job in high school. He is spoiled with many things that he does not treasure, and can you believe that there are still some of his christmas gifts unopened in basement, has $1k casn his piggy bank (from grandparents), and so many toys. He does not treasure what he has and he takes it as granted. I am like his servants sometimes when he asks for help. He is a bit self centered, selfish and poor manner.

He has asked me if little brother will be kicked out at age 18 as well, and he is happy and satisfied with answer when he hears "yes" from me.

[Anonymous]

That poor kid will need money for therapy more than for college. The damage you are doing is permanent. He’s SIX.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want my 6 year old to be less relied on me to do things for him( e.g. shower, put on clothing, flush toilet after use, clean up after himself etc) and be more independent growing up. I have been telling him that when he turns 18, he will be kicked out of house and no longer living with us because he is no longer a child. He will either go to college (live in dorm) or go to work to earn for his living (live outside). He is more than welcome to visit us because here is always his home.

Don't worry, he is flooded with many love/attention and I still do a lot of things for him because it is a learning process. I just want to let him know that mommy will die one day and he needs to grow up to learn to do things by himself. Once or twice a month, he would say that he will feel sad because there's only 12 years left before he is going to be kicked out. He would ask if I will give him some money before he leaves, or will he have a party before he leave home. I know some kids of his age help out at home and do some simple chores, and he always leave me a mess to clean up and complain/whine when I am not available that second to help him.

Do you tell your kid that at age 18, he/she is no longer a child but have to be independent on their own with minimum family support? Am I too mean to tell him the real fact ? DH tells me that he took student loan and moved far away from home to college when he turned age 18, and he never moved back to home even he works/lives at the same city as his parents. He visits his family, but he would not move back once he had a taste of privacy and freedom.

wtf. do you have any concept on child development. he isnt able to process what you are even saying- college? live in a dorm? this wont be his home anymore?

jesus lady. go get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That poor kid will need money for therapy more than for college. The damage you are doing is permanent. He’s SIX.

+1

You are denying him a critical devopment skill- emotional attachment. This poor kid… and future girlfriends!

[Anonymous]

OMG, this is beyond wrong. My mother used to say things like this, but in her case without thinking. Negligent things that meant little to her, but as a child I didn't know how to be begin to process. I grew up feeling always that the sky was about to fall. Lifelong anxiety. I understand now, but at the time, I was always on the verge of being without a home.

Love and support at other times does not make up for the other.

[Anonymous]

You’ll be very sorry you started this nonsense when he tells you, “you’re right. I can’t wait until you die”.

Praise and attention for what he can do on his own work. “I’ll be dead soon” is laughable.

[Anonymous]

How rare is it that DCUM is in agreement?! OP, reset your course with your child.

[Anonymous]

What you're saying is honestly wrong and traumatic. It's an ACE- adverse childhood experience.

I completely believe in kids moving away and being independent. But at 6, my dd has a small subset of chores, dresses herself and does a lot independently.

Growing up is a process of independence.

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh OP, I say this as kindly as possible. This is the wrong way to go about this! This is mean and you are using FEAR based threats to tell the truth. This is not ok and will have a negative impact on your child. You are instilling fear in your kid. Please stop and look into getting support or help for improving your communication.

[Anonymous]

OP that is NOT going to make him more independent. That will make him anxious as hell though, especially at 6 years old. Make sure you praise him every time he does something for himself or does something correctly instead of scaring him. It's your job to give him the skills he needs, not for him to worry about how he is going to make it in the world at 6 years old. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want my 6 year old to be less relied on me to do things for him( e.g. shower, put on clothing, flush toilet after use, clean up after himself etc) and be more independent growing up. I have been telling him that when he turns 18, he will be kicked out of house and no longer living with us because he is no longer a child. He will either go to college (live in dorm) or go to work to earn for his living (live outside). He is more than welcome to visit us because here is always his home.

Don't worry, he is flooded with many love/attention and I still do a lot of things for him because it is a learning process. I just want to let him know that mommy will die one day and he needs to grow up to learn to do things by himself. Once or twice a month, he would say that he will feel sad because there's only 12 years left before he is going to be kicked out. He would ask if I will give him some money before he leaves, or will he have a party before he leave home. I know some kids of his age help out at home and do some simple chores, and he always leave me a mess to clean up and complain/whine when I am not available that second to help him.

Do you tell your kid that at age 18, he/she is no longer a child but have to be independent on their own with minimum family support? Am I too mean to tell him the real fact ? DH tells me that he took student loan and moved far away from home to college when he turned age 18, and he never moved back to home even he works/lives at the same city as his parents. He visits his family, but he would not move back once he had a taste of privacy and freedom.

You are crazy. He is only six years old! It is beyond my comprehension how you could do something so cold and cruel to a six year old!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is not a troll, and I come from a culture that many over 18 adults still live with parents to save money. I just could use better words but he really relies on me to do many things that he could.

Probably I am using this as a threat to push him to do things on his own because I have been using reminders and nice words to ask him to do it and he whines a lot. Of course I would wait at least he finishes high school but I tell him that he needs to find a part time job in high school. He is spoiled with many things that he does not treasure, and can you believe that there are still some of his christmas gifts unopened in basement, has $1k casn his piggy bank (from grandparents), and so many toys. He does not treasure what he has and he takes it as granted. I am like his servants sometimes when he asks for help. He is a bit self centered, selfish and poor manner.

He has asked me if little brother will be kicked out at age 18 as well, and he is happy and satisfied with answer when he hears "yes" from me.

HE. IS. SIX.

ALL 6 year olds need help with tasks. ALL 6 year olds whine. ALL 6 year olds show no “gratitude” because they have zero concept of what money actually is. ALL 6 year olds are selfish because they have to be in order to survive.

If your child needs help bathing or using the toilet, help them! Teach them! It doesn’t make you a servant! This crap of “wipe your own ass or you’ll be kicked out of the house!” needs to end NOW (and yes, that’s exactly how it comes across to him).

Why did you even have children if you expect them to be entirely self-sufficient by kindergarten?? You know that teaching your kids is a huge part of parenting, right?

You are treading very dangerous ground. By 15/16, he’s going to hear your threat of kicking him out, decide he may as well leave now, and run away. Or as soon as he turns 18, he’ll leave and you’ll never hear from him again.