Am I too mean to say that even though it is true?

[Anonymous]

I want my 6 year old to be less relied on me to do things for him( e.g. shower, put on clothing, flush toilet after use, clean up after himself etc) and be more independent growing up. I have been telling him that when he turns 18, he will be kicked out of house and no longer living with us because he is no longer a child. He will either go to college (live in dorm) or go to work to earn for his living (live outside). He is more than welcome to visit us because here is always his home.

Don't worry, he is flooded with many love/attention and I still do a lot of things for him because it is a learning process. I just want to let him know that mommy will die one day and he needs to grow up to learn to do things by himself. Once or twice a month, he would say that he will feel sad because there's only 12 years left before he is going to be kicked out. He would ask if I will give him some money before he leaves, or will he have a party before he leave home. I know some kids of his age help out at home and do some simple chores, and he always leave me a mess to clean up and complain/whine when I am not available that second to help him.

Do you tell your kid that at age 18, he/she is no longer a child but have to be independent on their own with minimum family support? Am I too mean to tell him the real fact ? DH tells me that he took student loan and moved far away from home to college when he turned age 18, and he never moved back to home even he works/lives at the same city as his parents. He visits his family, but he would not move back once he had a taste of privacy and freedom.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's too mean! Your child is 6! Let him be a child! Childhood is short and adult-life is long. Why force him to grow up quicker than he has to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's too mean! Your child is 6! Let him be a child! Childhood is short and adult-life is long. Why force him to grow up quicker than he has to?

+1 and wow!

[Anonymous]

The "kicked out of the house" phrasing is inappropriate and cruel. Make it a positive thing. Doesn't every kid dream of being an adult with freedom?! I used to tell my mom I was going to change my name and move to Australia when I was 18. Lol

[Anonymous]

Bwahahahaha.

You only have 12 years left, kid. The clock is ticking!

On your 18th birthday....

[Anonymous]

No, what you're saying is wrong. Like, psychologically wrong. You can just say "You're a big boy now, and too old to need someone to help you in the bathroom." Then you make a star chart and if he gets ten stars he picks dinner one night or something.

Stop saying it. Also, it doesn't make sense - he can always come visit because this will always be his home? But if it's his home can't he live there? The sentence has a contradiction in it.

[Anonymous]

Yes it is mean. I don't think it is mean to have your 18 year old move out once they have finished high school, but that isn't something you need to harp on with your 6 year old. It probably feels like a threat, even though by time he is 16 or 17, he might be completely ready to move out.

There are way more effective ways to teach independence with your child. Focus on one skill at a time until he masters it and then work on the next one. You can give incentives if you want and should praise his efforts and successes.

Also, it is completely contradictory to tell him that this is will always be his home but he can't live there after he turns 18.

[Anonymous]

I'm really straightforward with my kids and that's a little mean even from my perspective. I think you can convey the same message without being so harsh. It's not wrong to say "these are things all kids need to learn" or "it's important you learn how to do this because you'll need to know it when you're older." Appeal to his ego: "this is what big kids get to do". Or even, "everyone in this house helps out in their own way."

And stop doing things for him. If he is capable of putting on his own clothes, don't do it for him. If he refuses to do something you ask him to do, impose a consequence. But threatening him with the fact that he's going to get kicked out of the house when he's 18 isn't the best way to go about it.

[Anonymous]

Focus on one thing at a time, OP. This week, we flush the toilet every single time. Next week, flush toilet PLUS xyz.

You don't have to narrate your thoughts to this child.

[Anonymous]

I believe this to be a troll post. This is a caricature of a Disney/Hollywood villain type parent.

[Anonymous]

The idea that he's going to be kicked out of his house is terrifying to a 6 year old. No wonder he's lamenting his "last 12 years."

Don't do this to him.

[Anonymous]

MEAN

[Anonymous]

If I were going to be kicked out, I would want to milk as many services as I could before the big day!

It is uncommon in this area to have that rule. That is more of a working-class attitude in areas with low real estate prices. Yes, there were families who would tell the sons to leave the house the day after turning 18 whether they had finished high school or not. They had to find a job and an apartment in the middle of the high school senior year! Most of them dropped school at that point. Even though this may have been normal when your DH was younger, it may not be typical in your current neighborhood, which you are affording due to DH's college education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want my 6 year old to be less relied on me to do things for him( e.g. shower, put on clothing, flush toilet after use, clean up after himself etc) and be more independent growing up. I have been telling him that when he turns 18, he will be kicked out of house and no longer living with us because he is no longer a child. He will either go to college (live in dorm) or go to work to earn for his living (live outside). He is more than welcome to visit us because here is always his home.

Don't worry, he is flooded with many love/attention and I still do a lot of things for him because it is a learning process. I just want to let him know that mommy will die one day and he needs to grow up to learn to do things by himself. Once or twice a month, he would say that he will feel sad because there's only 12 years left before he is going to be kicked out. He would ask if I will give him some money before he leaves, or will he have a party before he leave home. I know some kids of his age help out at home and do some simple chores, and he always leave me a mess to clean up and complain/whine when I am not available that second to help him.

Do you tell your kid that at age 18, he/she is no longer a child but have to be independent on their own with minimum family support? Am I too mean to tell him the real fact ? DH tells me that he took student loan and moved far away from home to college when he turned age 18, and he never moved back to home even he works/lives at the same city as his parents. He visits his family, but he would not move back once he had a taste of privacy and freedom.

This is definitely, 100%, a troll.

[Anonymous]

Yes, too mean. Kids that age don't understand that you don't really *mean* you're going to kick him out (you don't, do you??) and can internalize comments like that as representative of how you feel about them. Even if you also tell them you love them and are supportive at other times. That's a really severe, over-the-top statement and it's going to stick out to him.

He's 6. It's fine to encourage independence, but he's not being dependent on you because he's lazy or he's failed to launch or something. He's dependent on you because all the stuff you want him to be independent on is almost brand new to him. How long has he been taking showers on his own? Like 6 months to a year? I'm guessing he wasn't showering on his own at 4. Even stuff like cleaning up after himself and bathroom habits -- he's got a few years of being expected/told to do these things, and for some of those years he likely had physical limitations as to how well he could do it. Like he might be able to clear his plate from the table and put it in the dishwasher, but at 4 or 5 I'm betting he often spilled things when he did this or put the dishes in the wrong spot, because it was BRAND NEW to him.

You think you are making him more independent but you're probably just making him feel bad about himself, which is going to make it a lot harder for him to confidently go out into the world later on. Though, upside I guess, it might help him deal with your eventual death more easily.