Mother-in-law odd behavior

[Anonymous]

Cultural differences and old age make people difficult to understand things but they can learn with gentle guidance. My brother and SIL had many issues when her mom moved in with them but they lovingly and patiently retrained her and she adjusted well. Their current nanny loves grandma and often takes her to the park when kids are going, grandma saves portions of good food for her. Neither understands each other but make do with basic words and gestures.

[Anonymous]

The problem is, how is OP and husband supposed to frame this, since the MIL will know the nanny complained about her? Both OP and husband are not there to witness this. It's going to be awkward the next time they're alone together.

I agree OP should say something, but... how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with other PPs that this is an emergency.

The nanny would not have told you about this if she hadn't reached some sort of breaking point.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The problem is, how is OP and husband supposed to frame this, since the MIL will know the nanny complained about her? Both OP and husband are not there to witness this. It's going to be awkward the next time they're alone together.

I agree OP should say something, but... how?

Who cares if MIL knows? She's not the nanny's boss so she should have minimal interaction anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The problem is, how is OP and husband supposed to frame this, since the MIL will know the nanny complained about her? Both OP and husband are not there to witness this. It's going to be awkward the next time they're alone together.

I agree OP should say something, but... how?

The husband is working from home.
Unless she’s ok losing the nanny, OP (or preferably her husband) needs to speak up immediately. Like yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with other PPs that this is an emergency.

The nanny would not have told you about this if she hadn't reached some sort of breaking point.

+1

+2. That's a good point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am assuming your MIL is a different race and culture from nanny? Yes, you protect your nanny. MIL is not to interfere.

Honestly, if MIL is home all day, I'd switch the daycare so that she can't micro manage.

Yes, Nanny has been very understanding but we all have our limit and MIL is too much period. I usually leave Nanny check on the kitchen counter and I have a feeling mil saw it and she thinks it's way too much. Same for the water and electric bills. She thinks we spend too much. She also boils water to drink instead water bottle or using a filter.

[Anonymous]

This is all she has known all her life, she’ll learn or not. It’s up to your husband to help her learn the ways of life here, all you need to do is be supportive and patient. If it doesn’t works out, move to a house with a separate in/law suit so there are better boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is all she has known all her life, she’ll learn or not. It’s up to your husband to help her learn the ways of life here, all you need to do is be supportive and patient. If it doesn’t works out, move to a house with a separate in/law suit so there are better boundaries.

The problem is OP is going to deal with the consequences - no nanny - rather than the MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am assuming your MIL is a different race and culture from nanny? Yes, you protect your nanny. MIL is not to interfere.

Honestly, if MIL is home all day, I'd switch the daycare so that she can't micro manage.

Yes, Nanny has been very understanding but we all have our limit and MIL is too much period. I usually leave Nanny check on the kitchen counter and I have a feeling mil saw it and she thinks it's way too much. Same for the water and electric bills. She thinks we spend too much. She also boils water to drink instead water bottle or using a filter.

My MIL is very old-fashioned and from a culture where having servants is normal. She is kind to them, pays them well and understands inflation. Yours is just being mean and ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re going to lose your nanny unless your husband has a serious conversation with his mother.

Dh and I have agree to talk to Mil after dinner tonight. We love our nanny and our kids are attached to her. Dh and I want mil to be comfortable in our home but when it comes to the kids, the Nanny is in charge and I want this odd behavior to step right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re going to lose your nanny unless your husband has a serious conversation with his mother.

Dh and I have agree to talk to Mil after dinner tonight. We love our nanny and our kids are attached to her. Dh and I want mil to be comfortable in our home but when it comes to the kids, the Nanny is in charge and I want this odd behavior to step right now.

Sorry,
Stop not step.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh, brings me back to my nanny days. I would have probably quit if I found out an employer was going to have grandparents or other family members who didn't work during the day Permanente move in. I always tried to avoid working in these types of environments.

Is your mil Asian? Makes it worse - I'm Asian American and know the types here so no need to come for me. Yes, please talk to your dh. He likely already noticed this behavior but hasn't said anything so as not to rock the boat or doesn't think it's an issue. If he doesn't say anything, I'd talk to MIL because situations like these are extremely frustrating for an employee. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me explain this odd behavior. My children's nanny just text me to inform me that my mother-in-law is following her around the house, turning lights off, monitoring the water usage in the kitchen, and just basically in the nanny's face the whole day. Do I sit down and talk to mother-in-law why she's doing this or just let my husband handle it? Mother-in-law is a nice person but I do feel bad that, The Nanny has to deal with this odd behavior all day.

It’s a two prong issue.

Your nanny had a free reign but now she has supervision. She isn’t happy about it.

Your MIL is new here and monitoring hired help and protecting her family because she had had/heard bad experiences with hired help. She is also trying to be productive and contributing in some way.

You all can have a respectful discussion so she understands without feeling disciplined. Appreciate her in other ways so she knows you are trying to solve a problem but doesn’t have a problem with her.

Talk sympathetically to your nanny and request her to have empathy for an old lady who is facing cultural differences and struggling to adjust to a completely different lifestyle in a new country.

+1 Sympathy for both will go a long way. Your MIL has just made a tremendous life change. Surely you can show a little grace in talking to her and helping her find ways to fill her day. And your nanny sounds lovely. Be encouraging to her, let her know you are working to get the MIL to have different hobbies, and assure your nanny that she is doing a great job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me explain this odd behavior. My children's nanny just text me to inform me that my mother-in-law is following her around the house, turning lights off, monitoring the water usage in the kitchen, and just basically in the nanny's face the whole day. Do I sit down and talk to mother-in-law why she's doing this or just let my husband handle it? Mother-in-law is a nice person but I do feel bad that, The Nanny has to deal with this odd behavior all day.

It’s a two prong issue.

Your nanny had a free reign but now she has supervision. She isn’t happy about it.

Your MIL is new here and monitoring hired help and protecting her family because she had had/heard bad experiences with hired help. She is also trying to be productive and contributing in some way.

You all can have a respectful discussion so she understands without feeling disciplined. Appreciate her in other ways so she knows you are trying to solve a problem but doesn’t have a problem with her.

Talk sympathetically to your nanny and request her to have empathy for an old lady who is facing cultural differences and struggling to adjust to a completely different lifestyle in a new country.

Hmmm, the MiL is a self-appointed supervisor. Doesn't sound like, based on OP's comments, that the MiL was deputized to oversee the nanny.

My MiL is originally from the South. They had a full-time housekeeper when she was growing up. She assumes anyone working in a home is there for her, regardless if she is the" lady of house" or not. DH had to explain to her on numerous occasions that she was not to interact with the nanny, later the au pair, and especially not ask them to make her lunch, fetch her laundry, etc. And my MiL had not had daily help for nearly 15 years by this point in time!

OP, enlist your DH to nip it. Remind him if "momma (of his kids) is not happy, then no one is happy." And you will not be happy if you lose a great nanny.