My 12 year old daughter wants to change custody arrangements

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that a 12 year old's voice should be heard in the custody process. I think their preferences should be taken into account.

But I also think that 12 year olds are emotionally volatile and impulsive, and that major decisions shouldn't revolve around what they say to you in the middle of a difficult moment when they're upset about something that isn't their business. I can guarantee that at some point she's going to be upset that you set a limit, or embarrassed her and call her mother upset. Respond to this in the way you'd want her mother to respond when she does it to you.

I'm also not sure what the fact that her brother is homeschooled or SN has to do with this.

Thank you. I mentioned the home school and younger brother special needs because she has complained that her mom doesn't spend time with her and she's usually by herself most time.

A homeschooling mom is home with her kids more than a parent who works not less, so were you offering it as evidence that your daughter doesn't have a realistic perception? I'm still really confused. You seem to be saying that beause she has a child with a disability she shouldn't have 50% custody of her other kids. If your 18 month old turns out to have a disability will you give up the other 2?

Sounds like she’s ignoring the older, not home schooled kid, to home school the other one. Just because she is home, does not mean she is present.

But that's not because she's homeschooling, or because the other kid's special needs. If she wasn't homeschooling, and was coming home at 5:00, she'd presumably be dividing her attention between the kids in some way too. Implying that it's because she's homeschooling or special needs is wrong, and OP including the homeschooling and special needs in the OP as if we'd jump to the conclusion that the kid is neglected is bizarre.

NP, and looking at this from the eyes of a 12 year old. I'm not saying this is RIGHT, but tweens are not always rational.

For a kid, I think there is a difference between a parent being gone for work, and a parent being home but too busy with another child to spend time with you. Kids understand that adults have to work, and being away from home is part of that deal. When the parent is home, but spending time with a younger sibling, that feels like the younger sibling is being 'chosen' over you. And if you suddenly discover that the very sibling being favored for Mom's time and attention is also related to your own parent's divorce ... I can empathize with an emotional reaction. It feels like Mom broke up our family in favor of this one, and still chooses to spend her time with them over me.

It's a sucky situation, and I agree that counseling is in order to help the 12yo sort through her feelings to understand what is real and what is emotional reaction. OP, I think the PP who talked about not making rash decisions had it right. Keep things stable while you all sorry through stuff. If she still feels the same in 6 months, have a discussion with your ExW.

[Anonymous]

This needs to be a discussion you have with your wife, ex wife and her husband. This is not something you should be discussing with your daughter until you’ve spoken with all the other adults that would be affected by the change. The 12 year old does not dictate the custody agreement just because she’s upset. Your entertaining this idea with her will just result in her manipulating the situation to get what she wants. You need to table the custody discussion with your daughter and help her work through the issues with her mom. Be supportive and understanding and realize she’s a 12 year old in an upset state that still needs her mother especially at this age. Nothing should be changed right now just because she says so. Take her for an extra weekend if you need to but be supportive of the relationship she has with her mother and help her navigate this. You don’t need to be creating a bigger divide in the mother daughter relationship by taking her away from her. She’s an adolescent girl that’s going to need both of you over the next few years, focus on her and help her through this. She’s going to have many more problems as she grows up, teach her to handle it not run from it. If she really is in a harmful situation or all the adults decide it’s best then you make changes but not now like this, you’ll only be making it worse not better.

[Anonymous]

Why is this in the Special Needs Forum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12 year old wants to change custody to spend more time with you? Because she’s found out something bad about her mom?

TAKE THE HIGH ROAD.

Tell her you love her, tell her the circumstances of the end of your marriage have absolutely nothing to do with her or her relationship with her mom or how much her mom loves her. Tell her you’re sorry she’s dealing with this and you know it’s hard. Then tell her you’re sure she and her mom will be able to work through it, but they can only do it if she’s there. You’ll see her the next time she’s supposed to come to your house per the regular custody arrangement. Hug her and leave.

When you get home, email/text your ex, tell her you’re sorry she’s having to deal with this, let her know that you have her back, and ask if there’s anything you can do to make this more smooth for her and your daughter since your daughter’s relationship with both her parents is such a high priority for you both.


She’s 12. She WILL do this again. When the shoe is on the other foot and she’s mad at you and doesn’t want to see you, isn’t this what you’d want your ex to do?

Thank you. We have scheduled a family therapy for my daughter and I told her she needs to stay with her mom for now. Revisiting the custody arrangements in a two months before summer vacation. She seem satisfied with my feedback.

BTDT

—child of 50/50 custody whose parents got this right

[Anonymous]

Is anyone else thinking that the ex having to navigate this is one of the consequences of cheating that people point out but cheaters always dismiss with “but my kid is fiiiiine”?

[Anonymous]

How did the 12-year-old find out about the affair resulting in a pregnancy/little brother? Would the parents just blurt that out? It doesn't seem OP revealed this. Another party altogether?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did the 12-year-old find out about the affair resulting in a pregnancy/little brother? Would the parents just blurt that out? It doesn't seem OP revealed this. Another party altogether?

Could have just run the math on the timing of the divorce and the age of the child plus pregnancy period. I mean she would know when mom or dad moved out/separated so it seems like it would be easy to figure out.

[Anonymous]

I really don't think this is about the cheating, and cheating should NOT come into the equation here. Your daughter feels left out in her mother's home, and perhaps that home has a volatile atmosphere: my son has special needs, and it's been hard on our marriage and on my other child, however much effort I make to keep it all together!

Your job is to find out whether she's well cared for and given adequate attention given the circumstances, and to let her have a voice in the custody arrangement. I don't think kids should be forced to stay with parents they don't feel comfortable with, but then again, it may be good for her to spend time over there. My daughter is much more tolerant and compassionate living with her brother with special needs, than she would otherwise have been.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that this isn’t about the affair. Something similar happened in my family and I did the math at about 12 or 13. I was furious that my father never told the truth about how you parents divorced and my mother never ratted him out.

Let her spend more time at your house and let your ex figure out how to rebuild your daughter’s trust. Tweens/teens are very sensitive to hypocrisy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that this isn’t about the affair. Something similar happened in my family and I did the math at about 12 or 13. I was furious that my father never told the truth about how you parents divorced and my mother never ratted him out.

Let her spend more time at your house and let your ex figure out how to rebuild your daughter’s trust. Tweens/teens are very sensitive to hypocrisy.

Then such tweens should be told that what happens between adults is none of their business. Your parents had no obligation to tell you. If you figure it out, you can ask for confirmation, but not use that information to throw a fit. The adults are struggling with enough stuff already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that this isn’t about the affair. Something similar happened in my family and I did the math at about 12 or 13. I was furious that my father never told the truth about how you parents divorced and my mother never ratted him out.

Let her spend more time at your house and let your ex figure out how to rebuild your daughter’s trust. Tweens/teens are very sensitive to hypocrisy.

Then such tweens should be told that what happens between adults is none of their business. Your parents had no obligation to tell you. If you figure it out, you can ask for confirmation, but not use that information to throw a fit. The adults are struggling with enough stuff already.

NP.

It is her business. She is in a broken home where she gets to move around often because her mother cheated. Why do you people think that children are dumb or without feelings?

It's not throwing a fit, espcially if she feels that she is not gettting enough attention from her mother. I'd be pissed too because I will make a connection that if my parents were in the same house, I would get my dad's attention when my mom was busy with my siblings. A step parent is not the same as a parent.

I think the worst thing that OP can do is be dismissive of his daughter's feelings. He can explain to her that he too was angry at some point, but he has moved on and that nobody is perfect. But to pretend that it is none of her business is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Then such tweens should be told that what happens between adults is none of their business. Your parents had no obligation to tell you. If you figure it out, you can ask for confirmation, but not use that information to throw a fit. The adults are struggling with enough stuff already.

The cheater adults don't get a pass because they have to deal with a mess of their own creation. The kid has every right to be upset that mom blew up her family. You are obviously a cheater who doesn't want to deal with natural consequences for your selfish choices.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the stepdad isnt nice to the kid either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that this isn’t about the affair. Something similar happened in my family and I did the math at about 12 or 13. I was furious that my father never told the truth about how you parents divorced and my mother never ratted him out.

Let her spend more time at your house and let your ex figure out how to rebuild your daughter’s trust. Tweens/teens are very sensitive to hypocrisy.

Then such tweens should be told that what happens between adults is none of their business. Your parents had no obligation to tell you. If you figure it out, you can ask for confirmation, but not use that information to throw a fit. The adults are struggling with enough stuff already.

The adults are dealing with enough stuff already? Unreal. Forget about the poor kids. Guess what? There are consequences for selfish actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the stepdad isnt nice to the kid either.

This isn't a creative writing exercise. Stop making stuff up.

OP, if the 12 yo needs a bit of time to cool down, then you can talk with your ex about whether that makes sense, but it should be a few days to a week. There's no need to permanently alter custody over this discovery.

If you don't think your 12 yo's needs are being met generally, them have that conversation with your ex later. Don't blow this up into a custody battle.