My 12 year old daughter wants to change custody arrangements

[Anonymous]

My ex-wife and I have one kid together. My current wife and I have two kids and ex-wife and her husband have one kid together. Ex-wife kid is the result of an affair with her current husband. Plus their child is special needs and home school by ex-wife. My kids are 12, 6, and 18 months old. My ex-wife and I share custody of our daughter 50/50. We live 20 minutes from each other and try to get along for our daughter well being.

My daughter called last asking if it's ok to change the custody arrangements?
I told her what happened and if she was ok? Ex-wife was screaming and crying in the background and my daughter hang up the phone. I called back and no answer. I drove over to her house and we talked and it seems our daughter found out, that her mom cheated and her brother is the result. I am truly over about the past but this is new for my daughter and she is one angry kid.

[Anonymous]

I think that a 12 year old's voice should be heard in the custody process. I think their preferences should be taken into account.

But I also think that 12 year olds are emotionally volatile and impulsive, and that major decisions shouldn't revolve around what they say to you in the middle of a difficult moment when they're upset about something that isn't their business. I can guarantee that at some point she's going to be upset that you set a limit, or embarrassed her and call her mother upset. Respond to this in the way you'd want her mother to respond when she does it to you.

I'm also not sure what the fact that her brother is homeschooled or SN has to do with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that a 12 year old's voice should be heard in the custody process. I think their preferences should be taken into account.

But I also think that 12 year olds are emotionally volatile and impulsive, and that major decisions shouldn't revolve around what they say to you in the middle of a difficult moment when they're upset about something that isn't their business. I can guarantee that at some point she's going to be upset that you set a limit, or embarrassed her and call her mother upset. Respond to this in the way you'd want her mother to respond when she does it to you.

I'm also not sure what the fact that her brother is homeschooled or SN has to do with this.

Agree with the above. But I also think it’s a good idea to allow her to have some space from her mother and allow her to spend more time with you. During this period mom and daughter need to be in counseling to work through the daughter’s feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that a 12 year old's voice should be heard in the custody process. I think their preferences should be taken into account.

But I also think that 12 year olds are emotionally volatile and impulsive, and that major decisions shouldn't revolve around what they say to you in the middle of a difficult moment when they're upset about something that isn't their business. I can guarantee that at some point she's going to be upset that you set a limit, or embarrassed her and call her mother upset. Respond to this in the way you'd want her mother to respond when she does it to you.

I'm also not sure what the fact that her brother is homeschooled or SN has to do with this.

Thank you. I mentioned the home school and younger brother special needs because she has complained that her mom doesn't spend time with her and she's usually by herself most time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that a 12 year old's voice should be heard in the custody process. I think their preferences should be taken into account.

But I also think that 12 year olds are emotionally volatile and impulsive, and that major decisions shouldn't revolve around what they say to you in the middle of a difficult moment when they're upset about something that isn't their business. I can guarantee that at some point she's going to be upset that you set a limit, or embarrassed her and call her mother upset. Respond to this in the way you'd want her mother to respond when she does it to you.

I'm also not sure what the fact that her brother is homeschooled or SN has to do with this.

Thank you. I mentioned the home school and younger brother special needs because she has complained that her mom doesn't spend time with her and she's usually by herself most time.

A homeschooling mom is home with her kids more than a parent who works not less, so were you offering it as evidence that your daughter doesn't have a realistic perception? I'm still really confused. You seem to be saying that beause she has a child with a disability she shouldn't have 50% custody of her other kids. If your 18 month old turns out to have a disability will you give up the other 2?

[Anonymous]

I feel like you are happy that her kid in SN - that she got what she deserved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that a 12 year old's voice should be heard in the custody process. I think their preferences should be taken into account.

But I also think that 12 year olds are emotionally volatile and impulsive, and that major decisions shouldn't revolve around what they say to you in the middle of a difficult moment when they're upset about something that isn't their business. I can guarantee that at some point she's going to be upset that you set a limit, or embarrassed her and call her mother upset. Respond to this in the way you'd want her mother to respond when she does it to you.

I'm also not sure what the fact that her brother is homeschooled or SN has to do with this.

Thank you. I mentioned the home school and younger brother special needs because she has complained that her mom doesn't spend time with her and she's usually by herself most time.

A homeschooling mom is home with her kids more than a parent who works not less, so were you offering it as evidence that your daughter doesn't have a realistic perception? I'm still really confused. You seem to be saying that beause she has a child with a disability she shouldn't have 50% custody of her other kids. If your 18 month old turns out to have a disability will you give up the other 2?

Absolutely not. I want my daughter to be happy and if she be wants to change the custody arrangements, I am ok with it but not at my ex-wife expense. I want them to get along and work out their difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that a 12 year old's voice should be heard in the custody process. I think their preferences should be taken into account.

But I also think that 12 year olds are emotionally volatile and impulsive, and that major decisions shouldn't revolve around what they say to you in the middle of a difficult moment when they're upset about something that isn't their business. I can guarantee that at some point she's going to be upset that you set a limit, or embarrassed her and call her mother upset. Respond to this in the way you'd want her mother to respond when she does it to you.

I'm also not sure what the fact that her brother is homeschooled or SN has to do with this.

Thank you. I mentioned the home school and younger brother special needs because she has complained that her mom doesn't spend time with her and she's usually by herself most time.

A homeschooling mom is home with her kids more than a parent who works not less, so were you offering it as evidence that your daughter doesn't have a realistic perception? I'm still really confused. You seem to be saying that beause she has a child with a disability she shouldn't have 50% custody of her other kids. If your 18 month old turns out to have a disability will you give up the other 2?

Absolutely not. I want my daughter to be happy and if she be wants to change the custody arrangements, I am ok with it but not at my ex-wife expense. I want them to get along and work out their difference.

Talk to your ex about therapy. If she won’t go, take your daughter while she’s with you. Help her process her feelings on what she learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that a 12 year old's voice should be heard in the custody process. I think their preferences should be taken into account.

But I also think that 12 year olds are emotionally volatile and impulsive, and that major decisions shouldn't revolve around what they say to you in the middle of a difficult moment when they're upset about something that isn't their business. I can guarantee that at some point she's going to be upset that you set a limit, or embarrassed her and call her mother upset. Respond to this in the way you'd want her mother to respond when she does it to you.

I'm also not sure what the fact that her brother is homeschooled or SN has to do with this.

Thank you. I mentioned the home school and younger brother special needs because she has complained that her mom doesn't spend time with her and she's usually by herself most time.

A homeschooling mom is home with her kids more than a parent who works not less, so were you offering it as evidence that your daughter doesn't have a realistic perception? I'm still really confused. You seem to be saying that beause she has a child with a disability she shouldn't have 50% custody of her other kids. If your 18 month old turns out to have a disability will you give up the other 2?

Sounds like she’s ignoring the older, not home schooled kid, to home school the other one. Just because she is home, does not mean she is present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that a 12 year old's voice should be heard in the custody process. I think their preferences should be taken into account.

But I also think that 12 year olds are emotionally volatile and impulsive, and that major decisions shouldn't revolve around what they say to you in the middle of a difficult moment when they're upset about something that isn't their business. I can guarantee that at some point she's going to be upset that you set a limit, or embarrassed her and call her mother upset. Respond to this in the way you'd want her mother to respond when she does it to you.

I'm also not sure what the fact that her brother is homeschooled or SN has to do with this.

Thank you. I mentioned the home school and younger brother special needs because she has complained that her mom doesn't spend time with her and she's usually by herself most time.

A homeschooling mom is home with her kids more than a parent who works not less, so were you offering it as evidence that your daughter doesn't have a realistic perception? I'm still really confused. You seem to be saying that beause she has a child with a disability she shouldn't have 50% custody of her other kids. If your 18 month old turns out to have a disability will you give up the other 2?

Sounds like she’s ignoring the older, not home schooled kid, to home school the other one. Just because she is home, does not mean she is present.

Yes, my daughter is home from 4pm to 7pm in her room. Dinner is 8,pm to 8:30 and shower and bedtime. I don't know how much time she spends with mom or the rest of the family,?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that a 12 year old's voice should be heard in the custody process. I think their preferences should be taken into account.

But I also think that 12 year olds are emotionally volatile and impulsive, and that major decisions shouldn't revolve around what they say to you in the middle of a difficult moment when they're upset about something that isn't their business. I can guarantee that at some point she's going to be upset that you set a limit, or embarrassed her and call her mother upset. Respond to this in the way you'd want her mother to respond when she does it to you.

I'm also not sure what the fact that her brother is homeschooled or SN has to do with this.

Thank you. I mentioned the home school and younger brother special needs because she has complained that her mom doesn't spend time with her and she's usually by herself most time.

A homeschooling mom is home with her kids more than a parent who works not less, so were you offering it as evidence that your daughter doesn't have a realistic perception? I'm still really confused. You seem to be saying that beause she has a child with a disability she shouldn't have 50% custody of her other kids. If your 18 month old turns out to have a disability will you give up the other 2?

Sounds like she’s ignoring the older, not home schooled kid, to home school the other one. Just because she is home, does not mean she is present.

But that's not because she's homeschooling, or because the other kid's special needs. If she wasn't homeschooling, and was coming home at 5:00, she'd presumably be dividing her attention between the kids in some way too. Implying that it's because she's homeschooling or special needs is wrong, and OP including the homeschooling and special needs in the OP as if we'd jump to the conclusion that the kid is neglected is bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you are happy that her kid in SN - that she got what she deserved.

Absolutely no! I will not wish that on a innocent child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that a 12 year old's voice should be heard in the custody process. I think their preferences should be taken into account.

But I also think that 12 year olds are emotionally volatile and impulsive, and that major decisions shouldn't revolve around what they say to you in the middle of a difficult moment when they're upset about something that isn't their business. I can guarantee that at some point she's going to be upset that you set a limit, or embarrassed her and call her mother upset. Respond to this in the way you'd want her mother to respond when she does it to you.

I'm also not sure what the fact that her brother is homeschooled or SN has to do with this.

Thank you. I mentioned the home school and younger brother special needs because she has complained that her mom doesn't spend time with her and she's usually by herself most time.

A homeschooling mom is home with her kids more than a parent who works not less, so were you offering it as evidence that your daughter doesn't have a realistic perception? I'm still really confused. You seem to be saying that beause she has a child with a disability she shouldn't have 50% custody of her other kids. If your 18 month old turns out to have a disability will you give up the other 2?

Sounds like she’s ignoring the older, not home schooled kid, to home school the other one. Just because she is home, does not mean she is present.

Yes, my daughter is home from 4pm to 7pm in her room. Dinner is 8,pm to 8:30 and shower and bedtime. I don't know how much time she spends with mom or the rest of the family,?

As kids get to this age, they tend to spend time in their rooms, not with mom and dad all the time. This is normal, tween behavior, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that a 12 year old's voice should be heard in the custody process. I think their preferences should be taken into account.

But I also think that 12 year olds are emotionally volatile and impulsive, and that major decisions shouldn't revolve around what they say to you in the middle of a difficult moment when they're upset about something that isn't their business. I can guarantee that at some point she's going to be upset that you set a limit, or embarrassed her and call her mother upset. Respond to this in the way you'd want her mother to respond when she does it to you.

I'm also not sure what the fact that her brother is homeschooled or SN has to do with this.

Thank you. I mentioned the home school and younger brother special needs because she has complained that her mom doesn't spend time with her and she's usually by herself most time.

I had a wanting to change custody period. But then I backed out. Your daughter may realize the grass isn't greener, despite her mom seeming to be busy with the AN kid. Maybe talk to your ex about scheduling mommy-daughter stuff with just your 12 yr old.

[Anonymous]

12 year old wants to change custody to spend more time with you? Because she’s found out something bad about her mom?

TAKE THE HIGH ROAD.

Tell her you love her, tell her the circumstances of the end of your marriage have absolutely nothing to do with her or her relationship with her mom or how much her mom loves her. Tell her you’re sorry she’s dealing with this and you know it’s hard. Then tell her you’re sure she and her mom will be able to work through it, but they can only do it if she’s there. You’ll see her the next time she’s supposed to come to your house per the regular custody arrangement. Hug her and leave.

When you get home, email/text your ex, tell her you’re sorry she’s having to deal with this, let her know that you have her back, and ask if there’s anything you can do to make this more smooth for her and your daughter since your daughter’s relationship with both her parents is such a high priority for you both.

She’s 12. She WILL do this again. When the shoe is on the other foot and she’s mad at you and doesn’t want to see you, isn’t this what you’d want your ex to do?

BTDT

—child of 50/50 custody whose parents got this right