Family roles: Golden child, black sheep, middle child
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Anonymous
| No golden child in my family, but my youngest sibling is clearly my parent's favorite. It makes sense because she turned out most like my parents and is the easiest for them to love (still practices the same religion and holds their conservative values). My older brother and I are both doing great but we left the church and have different political views, so the relationship has a distance that isn't there with my sister. My brother, as the only son, also holds a special place. So maybe I'm the black sheep, thinking through this? Ha. |
Anonymous
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The golden child always seems to be a bit of a mess with family rescuing and providing rationale/excuses for their shortcomings (which are actually framed as personality strengths). Same thing when there is a work golden child. Excuses made/others look bad when they point it out.
-Youngest born in black sheep clothing because I'm the one who points out the shortcomings/codependence/family habit of fostering of lack of independence of said golden children. Family will agree with me only when there are no witnesses. This is enough for me as I like being me. |
Anonymous
| I’m married to the black sheep. Watching his parents squirm with misery while watching us do soooo much better than golden child in every aspect of life over and over again is one of the joys of my life. |
Anonymous
| Your mom is only seeing either how things were or how she wishes things were, but not how things are. Real golden children are not a hot mess. They are impressive in each aspect of their lives, they are easy to brag about, and don't cause problems or embarrassment. |
Anonymous
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In my family, the golden child (middle child) developed a martyr personality. They put themselves on a pedestal for doing the perfect thing (which isn't always true in actuality), projects a lot of their unresolved issues onto others, and then tends to overcompensate while also having unrealistic expectations of others. It's a tangled mess.
They are an image of success in many ways, but very broken internally. My sister is the golden child, and I don't know if she molded herself to position herself in that roll to appeal to our dad, or if our dad saw relatable qualities and "chose" her, because she reminded him of himself. I was the black sheep. I fought myself out of that role mostly because I no longer ascribe to the projection or trying to appeal to others. I just do me, as long as I harm no one. |
Anonymous
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My husband was the “golden child” growing up. I don’t understand the resentment toward the golden child or why anyone cares what their f*cked up parents think. His dad was a raging alcoholic. His mother was codependent and made DH into her confidant much younger than he should have been. DH dealt with all of this by trying to be perfect so that his mom wouldn’t have to worry about him. His brother identified more with their dad growing up, and he dealt with the dysfunction by getting into trouble and pulling the attention away from dad.
They are both deeply wounded adults that have brought some level of that childhood dysfunction into their adult lives. |
Anonymous
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I don’t think “golden child” refers to the most successful child (however you define success, which varies). I think it’s just the sibling who gets the most positive attention. The black sheep gets the most negative attention. The forgotten child doesn’t get much attention. The actually qualities and attributes of these people are irrelevant. It’s just about how parental love and attention are focused.
In my family, my older sister is the golden child and everyone understands this EXCEPT my sister and mom, who would argue it can’t possibly be the case. But my sister gets far and away the most attention and praise. My parents have 7 grandchildren and four kids, but they mostly talk about my sister and her kids. They’ve also been hugely supportive financially and in other ways. My sister gets an income from them for some minor cleaning work she does, but then they will praise her for being a SAHM. They have also employed my BIL for much of their marriage, though he did finally start his own business recently. They helped my sister and BIL buy their home and renovate it. It’s just a lot of focus and attention. My little brother is the black sheep. He is creative and has a lovely family. He lives near my parents and is a kind person, though was a disorganized kid who didn’t like school. This is really the only reason he is the black sheep. I am the forgotten middle child. Being overlooked did a number on my self esteem that I had to address in therapy, but now I am glad for it. I’d rather be forgotten than have the dynamics they have. |
Anonymous
The role of the golden child is to lie and cover up the mess in the family to outsiders. The black sheep doesn’t cover up anything and is hated for it. Your mom is probably codependent and thrives on covering up for someone who is a mess. That is her role in life. She probably did it with your (conspicuously absent in this post) dad for decades, and now she is doing it with your sibling. You sound kind of jealous of your sibling, but I think it would be painful to have your mother reject and ignore the difficult periods of your life? Or to know that you can never really measure up to how she sees you, but at the same time being terrified to let her down. The psych ward? Was your sibling suicidal, and now just goes along with however your mom spins it? I can’t imagine being that low and having my mom just pretending everything is fine. I would rather have her angry. (I’m guessing that you would too…that’s why you aren’t the Golden Child). |
Anonymous
Not the poster you are responding to, but thank you for the insight. Our GC does just that. She covers up, lies and keeps up appearances. I am gaslit for only speaking the truth. My GC sibling fed their egos by succeeding in the areas they valued, but she is a trainwreck, because of her failings in areas they didn't value (kindness, getting along with others, good character). |
Anonymous
Yeah. She didn’t have any easier of a childhood than you did. Having to lie and cover up for your parents is abusive. In fact, the lying to cover for your attacker is usually the part of childhood physical and sexual abuse that is the most traumatizing. And then your parents pitted you two against each other. I’m sorry that your parents suck. I hope you can find a way to bond with your sister. She sounds like a mess. |
Anonymous
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I don’t know who is what in our family — youngest might be the black sheep — although never really rebelled, they followed a career path that was not parent approved (not a doctor, scientist or an engineer). Ironically the oldest, probably the golden child, and I, quintessential middle child, started off in an “approved” career, then shifted to law and business.
Assuming Golden Child isn’t necessarily favorite, I would say my oldest sibling is that — lots of pressure to perform, but more coddled and supported. And unfortunately, thought of as the victim of circumstances by our parents and themselves (circumstances are NOT rough, I’m talking not making employee of the month and having a little bit of in law trouble). Even now, any missteps by the eldest are supposed to be met with understanding, whereas they would likely not be tolerated I’m middle — definitely overlooked when I was younger, but I was FINE with that, kept the criticism at bay. I am considered the emotionally “strong one” though. There were times I was miserable at school/socially as a kid/teenager, and my parents discussed this amongst themselves, then decided they didn’t need to worry about it because I was “tough” (I found this out a few years ago, when my mom was trying to make it sound like a good thing, later when it sunk in, I realized that I wanted to scream at her that maybe I didn’t want to have to be ‘tough’ (reader, I was NOT tough). As an adult, it means my parents haven’t swooped in and fixed things like they have for my siblings, because I’m much more independent. But it also means that I was the strong arm/heavy when they were in a health crisis and needed more care than they would accept. Oldest was no where to be seen and youngest was trying, but had a lot going on in their own life. Let’s just say that Luisa in Encanto REALLY resonated with me. Youngest is/was also coddled, but has grown up a lot in the last few years. I’m proud of them for pushing back against the smothering of our parents, but I also worry they feel like they are the odd man out at times. Apparently Middle Children also write far too long posts as well… |
Anonymous
x1000000 |
Anonymous
Should be “Even now, any missteps by the eldest are supposed to be met with understanding, whereas they would likely not be tolerated if I did the same” As an adult, I have no idea who is the “favorite” child — but I think I am, at least by my mom, the most appreciated child. |
Anonymous
| I am the black cat of the family. I go wherever I want, do whatever I want, and no one owns me. I am the oldest. My mother will never forgive me for refusing to live my life by her rules. She'll die without forgiving me. Nothing I can do about that. You are put here to live your life, not someone else's. It takes great strength to walk away from a controlling family. I am a thousand miles away from my family, for a reason. I can never go back, nor do I want to. I am happy and free, and freedom is worth everything. |
Anonymous
Can I join your black cat club. (I think it's actually "black sheep" but I like the cat idea. I actually live near my mother because I was close with my dad. My mother will never forgive me for setting limits on her bat shit crazy behavior. I will no longer play therapist or let her gossip to me or bad mouth my late dad. I wish you lots of happiness. Unfortunately due to work we are stuck here. I agree, it does take great strength to walk away from a controlling family. I haven't done it, but just insisting on major boundaries has caused chaos. |