Private school sense of community

[Anonymous]

Covid has nothing to do with that issue. It’s common at privates with a small number of students and parents who are seemingly cliquey who seek private school. This is very evident at my child’s private and parents can be nice but have their group and don’t need to expand it. Especially, very especially the families with students who have older siblings already have this figured out before even starting at the school. The only children don’t really have a fair chance and it’s more difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Covid has nothing to do with that issue. It’s common at privates with a small number of students and parents who are seemingly cliquey who seek private school. This is very evident at my child’s private and parents can be nice but have their group and don’t need to expand it. Especially, very especially the families with students who have older siblings already have this figured out before even starting at the school. The only children don’t really have a fair chance and it’s more difficult.

*to be more clear-“the only children without older sibling”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want to add that I went to a private school for my entire childhood, and I had a completely opposite social experience. Similar to this private school, kids lived all over, and my best friends all lived at least 25-30 minutes away from me, but back then people didn't seem as averse to driving as they do now.

My child has made 3 best friends in the class, and while we have invited these kids to meet up several times, there has been no reciprocation. We have invited these kids to meet up at parks/playgrounds with the parent. The other families always say yes to the invites, but there has been no reciprocation. I don't really understand why.

Anyhow, we are signed up for another year but my thought is that if we continue to feel like we have no sense of community then I don't see why we should continue to pay tuition for this experience.

I feel a lot of whole-school community but none with the other families in my child's specific class. The entire grade only has 30 kids.

OP, some parents just aren’t as focused or proactive about play dates right now. I think the fact that you describe your child as shy means you’re more concerned about her getting social time. Parents of more extroverted children or kids who have well-established friendships are probably less concerned and putting less effort into organizing play dates right now. Me included.

Also, your child may consider those three girls besties, but they may feel less close to her. I set up play dates based on my kids’ asks. As nice as your daughter is, the other kids may not be asking to have play dates with her.

I would check in with her teacher and ask what they observe about her social interactions.

Also, if you’ve been there less than a year and are thinking of leaving because there’s “no community,” you are seriously immature. Community takes time to establish. People barely know you right now. Perhaps it’s your sense of pushiness/neediness, combined with a sense of entitlement that is putting people off?

[Anonymous]

I’ll be honest, my energy for planning social events has really waned and thinking about the only child versus sibling issue, as a family with three kids I just get overwhelmed trying to keep up with each child’s activities and events so we are more likely to attend things other families plan instead of planning them ourselves. Sometimes I do feel guilty about it. Our youngest is really close with two other kids who are both only children and he definitely goes to their houses more than the other way around.

[Anonymous]

We have kids in two different privates in lower school. One has a grade of 15, the other 30 (2 classes of 15).

As others have stated, Covid makes the situation weird. We haven't been invited to playdates much but again, Covid.

Community is what you make of it. No one will stop you from organizing your own events. Just set up a playdate at a playground and invite the class. People will probably come. In my case, I even organized a happy hour for the other parents, and this was back in the fall when things were more strict covid-wise. A few came, and we had a good time.

You write as if you're waiting for everyone to do everything for you. You need to pick up the reins and make it happen.

[Anonymous]

There have been many fewer and smaller bday parties, too. We used to throw grade-wide parties. With Covid, we have limited parties to under 10 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want to add that I went to a private school for my entire childhood, and I had a completely opposite social experience. Similar to this private school, kids lived all over, and my best friends all lived at least 25-30 minutes away from me, but back then people didn't seem as averse to driving as they do now.

My child has made 3 best friends in the class, and while we have invited these kids to meet up several times, there has been no reciprocation. We have invited these kids to meet up at parks/playgrounds with the parent. The other families always say yes to the invites, but there has been no reciprocation. I don't really understand why.

Anyhow, we are signed up for another year but my thought is that if we continue to feel like we have no sense of community then I don't see why we should continue to pay tuition for this experience.

I feel a lot of whole-school community but none with the other families in my child's specific class. The entire grade only has 30 kids.

OP, some parents just aren’t as focused or proactive about play dates right now. I think the fact that you describe your child as shy means you’re more concerned about her getting social time. Parents of more extroverted children or kids who have well-established friendships are probably less concerned and putting less effort into organizing play dates right now. Me included.

Also, your child may consider those three girls besties, but they may feel less close to her. I set up play dates based on my kids’ asks. As nice as your daughter is, the other kids may not be asking to have play dates with her.

I would check in with her teacher and ask what they observe about her social interactions.

Also, if you’ve been there less than a year and are thinking of leaving because there’s “no community,” you are seriously immature. Community takes time to establish. People barely know you right now. Perhaps it’s your sense of pushiness/neediness, combined with a sense of entitlement that is putting people off?

Pretty rude to call the OP immature, I would say your reasoning indicates you are immature and use of the word “besties.”

[Anonymous]

What will be your excuse once covid is endemic? This type of thing was happening long before covid and will continue long after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Covid has nothing to do with that issue. It’s common at privates with a small number of students and parents who are seemingly cliquey who seek private school. This is very evident at my child’s private and parents can be nice but have their group and don’t need to expand it. Especially, very especially the families with students who have older siblings already have this figured out before even starting at the school. The only children don’t really have a fair chance and it’s more difficult.

I'm sorry this was your experience. We are one of those established families with older children. However, I became very good friends with the parent on an only child in my youngest daughter's class. Also, there is a huge age gap between my first and second child, so he was like an only for several years. In our school (Big 3) there are tons of only children. Perhaps its because the parents tend to be on the older side. Maybe this is more an issue in catholic schools where families are bigger based on beliefs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What will be your excuse once covid is endemic? This type of thing was happening long before covid and will continue long after.

I''m a PP who blamed COVID because in our experience it wasn't a problem before Covid. People have stopped socializing in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Covid has nothing to do with that issue. It’s common at privates with a small number of students and parents who are seemingly cliquey who seek private school. This is very evident at my child’s private and parents can be nice but have their group and don’t need to expand it. Especially, very especially the families with students who have older siblings already have this figured out before even starting at the school. The only children don’t really have a fair chance and it’s more difficult.

I'm sorry this was your experience. We are one of those established families with older children. However, I became very good friends with the parent on an only child in my youngest daughter's class. Also, there is a huge age gap between my first and second child, so he was like an only for several years. In our school (Big 3) there are tons of only children. Perhaps its because the parents tend to be on the older side. Maybe this is more an issue in catholic schools where families are bigger based on beliefs?

You are correct, it is a Catholic school. The parents with older children all stick together and although they may seemingly be nice, they already have their social group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What will be your excuse once covid is endemic? This type of thing was happening long before covid and will continue long after.

I''m a PP who blamed COVID because in our experience it wasn't a problem before Covid. People have stopped socializing in person.

Actually covid hasn’t stopped this at my child’s private. Believe me they were getting together all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What will be your excuse once covid is endemic? This type of thing was happening long before covid and will continue long after.

I''m a PP who blamed COVID because in our experience it wasn't a problem before Covid. People have stopped socializing in person.

Ha! Ha! Yeah, right!!!

[Anonymous]

Although my sympathies are with OP, those who dismiss the pandemic effect are off their rockers. I currently chair the parent association at our school and have been heavily involved in prior years too. Community building has been quite tough and, during peak periods of cases, near-impossible. So please try not to take things too personally. Some families are socializing now as if there's no pandemic, but plenty of others at our school are still being careful about play dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Although my sympathies are with OP, those who dismiss the pandemic effect are off their rockers. I currently chair the parent association at our school and have been heavily involved in prior years too. Community building has been quite tough and, during peak periods of cases, near-impossible. So please try not to take things too personally. Some families are socializing now as if there's no pandemic, but plenty of others at our school are still being careful about play dates.

Exactly. It will take a while to rebuild community after the undeniable effects on our daily rhythms, school routines, and socializing habits. All of this impacts our sense of place and community in both short and long-term ways.