Private school sense of community

[Anonymous]

We started at a very small private school this year after a mediocre 3 years at public school (including one year of distance learning). So I have an interesting perspective, since we were at public school for 3 years before switching to private. My daughter is in third grade.

There are many things I really like about this school and the school says that their warm, welcoming community is one of their biggest strengths. I do feel that their community is warm and they have a lot of events (which I go to), but we haven't felt welcomed personally. No one in the class reached out to us as one of the few new families to invite us to any playdates, and I really don't know the other parents in the class yet (there have been a few school events which I've attended but it's hard to meet people in masks because I don't know which parents are in our class). No one seems interested in getting to know us, which is what bothers me the most. It's already March and we have not been invited to any playdates or birthday parties. I often think why am I paying all this tuition money for an experience where we're not building any sense of community? Part of why we decided to switch is because we wanted to build a strong sense of community.

We have one child, and I feel like that's part of it. During a school open house this year, when we were allowed to come in and see the classroom/meet the other parents, for some reason a bunch of moms pointed out the fact that I "only have one." No one else in the class is an only child so maybe that makes us the odd one out? For some reason I feel like the fact that we have one child is making it so that the other families don't want to meet up with us because they all have 2-4 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We started at a very small private school this year after a mediocre 3 years at public school (including one year of distance learning). So I have an interesting perspective, since we were at public school for 3 years before switching to private. My daughter is in third grade.

There are many things I really like about this school and the school says that their warm, welcoming community is one of their biggest strengths. I do feel that their community is warm and they have a lot of events (which I go to), but we haven't felt welcomed personally. No one in the class reached out to us as one of the few new families to invite us to any playdates, and I really don't know the other parents in the class yet (there have been a few school events which I've attended but it's hard to meet people in masks because I don't know which parents are in our class). No one seems interested in getting to know us, which is what bothers me the most. It's already March and we have not been invited to any playdates or birthday parties. I often think why am I paying all this tuition money for an experience where we're not building any sense of community? Part of why we decided to switch is because we wanted to build a strong sense of community.

We have one child, and I feel like that's part of it. During a school open house this year, when we were allowed to come in and see the classroom/meet the other parents, for some reason a bunch of moms pointed out the fact that I "only have one." No one else in the class is an only child so maybe that makes us the odd one out? For some reason I feel like the fact that we have one child is making it so that the other families don't want to meet up with us because they all have 2-4 kids.

Wow that is weird OP.

Sorry!

Our DC attends a good Catholic private and there are so many only children. It makes zero difference.

I would reach out the the parent who leads the parent association or the school parent teacher liaison s d let them know how you feel. They BBC an’t fix it unless you let them know.

Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We started at a very small private school this year after a mediocre 3 years at public school (including one year of distance learning). So I have an interesting perspective, since we were at public school for 3 years before switching to private. My daughter is in third grade.

There are many things I really like about this school and the school says that their warm, welcoming community is one of their biggest strengths. I do feel that their community is warm and they have a lot of events (which I go to), but we haven't felt welcomed personally. No one in the class reached out to us as one of the few new families to invite us to any playdates, and I really don't know the other parents in the class yet (there have been a few school events which I've attended but it's hard to meet people in masks because I don't know which parents are in our class). No one seems interested in getting to know us, which is what bothers me the most. It's already March and we have not been invited to any playdates or birthday parties. I often think why am I paying all this tuition money for an experience where we're not building any sense of community? Part of why we decided to switch is because we wanted to build a strong sense of community.

We have one child, and I feel like that's part of it. During a school open house this year, when we were allowed to come in and see the classroom/meet the other parents, for some reason a bunch of moms pointed out the fact that I "only have one." No one else in the class is an only child so maybe that makes us the odd one out? For some reason I feel like the fact that we have one child is making it so that the other families don't want to meet up with us because they all have 2-4 kids.

Wow that is weird OP.

Sorry!

Our DC attends a good Catholic private and there are so many only children. It makes zero difference.

I would reach out the the parent who leads the parent association or the school parent teacher liaison s d let them know how you feel. They BBC an’t fix it unless you let them know.

Best wishes!

Sorry about odd auto correct

Should read
They can’t fix it unless you let them know.

Hope they will do a better job welcoming your family.

[Anonymous]

I would not judge a shcool or its community atmosphere based on your experience there only during COVId times.

[Anonymous]

Have you invited others for playdates?

I think I've invited more than half the class to our house for individual playdates. Honestly my daughter has only been invited to one in 3 years. It doesn't bother me as I know everyone and am only doing it to help my shy child make friends. I meet loads of people at birthday parties. I always host a ginormous one where I invite everyone, including siings. Although my daughter is on the invite list, she still doesn't get playdate invites. That said, I do know the parents and sometimes meet them for coffee or see them at the club. Maybe it just takes time?

[Anonymous]

Covid rules and concerns have made mixing tough -- some parents are very concerned about child of parent socializing. Look for a big rebound over the rest of the school year. Masks are almost gone!

[Anonymous]

We have an only child and people make assumptions and are rude as well. I wonder if I shared our journey trying to have our child they would feel differently

[Anonymous]

Schools can try to foster community but whether it "takes" or whether the families in a given class gel are not something the school has total control over.

People are tired and out of practice at having people over. It has been a cold winter of Covid. Few people were having big birthday parties. It's not because you only have one kid, it's because nobody is having big events.

I think you have to adjust your expectations and give it time. It takes several years to feel integrated into a community. My son started at a new school in 1st grade and by 8th I really felt close to the other families....but that's a long time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not judge a shcool or its community atmosphere based on your experience there only during COVId times.

This was my thought also. Birthday parties and play dates haven’t really been happening the way they were in the past. I would see what happens this spring and summer (now that the weather is nicer and kids are vaccinated) before making a final judgement on the school community.

How small is the school?

[Anonymous]

We are at private school and the only people I've had over to my house over the past two years were families who I knew took the same/similar COVID precautions as our family (i.e. people with whom we already had relationships).

[Anonymous]

I agree that it can take time, there are a lot of factors that affect community dynamics in a school and even within a particular grade or class, and Covid is still impacting the calculus when it comes to social gatherings. Does your child have one or two friends they seem to be close with at school that you could reach out to invite for a playdate?

[Anonymous]

We tried to plan outdoor gatherings among classmates during COVID and literally only the people involved in planning showed up. Very few people have been socializing the last two years. Among all my kids, only one friend has had a birthday party in two years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We started at a very small private school this year after a mediocre 3 years at public school (including one year of distance learning). So I have an interesting perspective, since we were at public school for 3 years before switching to private. My daughter is in third grade.

There are many things I really like about this school and the school says that their warm, welcoming community is one of their biggest strengths. I do feel that their community is warm and they have a lot of events (which I go to), but we haven't felt welcomed personally. No one in the class reached out to us as one of the few new families to invite us to any playdates, and I really don't know the other parents in the class yet (there have been a few school events which I've attended but it's hard to meet people in masks because I don't know which parents are in our class). No one seems interested in getting to know us, which is what bothers me the most. It's already March and we have not been invited to any playdates or birthday parties. I often think why am I paying all this tuition money for an experience where we're not building any sense of community? Part of why we decided to switch is because we wanted to build a strong sense of community.

We have one child, and I feel like that's part of it. During a school open house this year, when we were allowed to come in and see the classroom/meet the other parents, for some reason a bunch of moms pointed out the fact that I "only have one." No one else in the class is an only child so maybe that makes us the odd one out? For some reason I feel like the fact that we have one child is making it so that the other families don't want to meet up with us because they all have 2-4 kids.

Exact same experience at my child’s private. We’ve been there years and hasn’t changed. We are considering leaving reasons and this social aspect is one reason why.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I want to add that I went to a private school for my entire childhood, and I had a completely opposite social experience. Similar to this private school, kids lived all over, and my best friends all lived at least 25-30 minutes away from me, but back then people didn't seem as averse to driving as they do now.

My child has made 3 best friends in the class, and while we have invited these kids to meet up several times, there has been no reciprocation. We have invited these kids to meet up at parks/playgrounds with the parent. The other families always say yes to the invites, but there has been no reciprocation. I don't really understand why.

Anyhow, we are signed up for another year but my thought is that if we continue to feel like we have no sense of community then I don't see why we should continue to pay tuition for this experience.

I feel a lot of whole-school community but none with the other families in my child's specific class. The entire grade only has 30 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want to add that I went to a private school for my entire childhood, and I had a completely opposite social experience. Similar to this private school, kids lived all over, and my best friends all lived at least 25-30 minutes away from me, but back then people didn't seem as averse to driving as they do now.

My child has made 3 best friends in the class, and while we have invited these kids to meet up several times, there has been no reciprocation. We have invited these kids to meet up at parks/playgrounds with the parent. The other families always say yes to the invites, but there has been no reciprocation. I don't really understand why.

Anyhow, we are signed up for another year but my thought is that if we continue to feel like we have no sense of community then I don't see why we should continue to pay tuition for this experience.

I feel a lot of whole-school community but none with the other families in my child's specific class. The entire grade only has 30 kids.

Sorry OP

I agree with others that pandemic has thrown a spanner in socializing.

I would see an educational psychologist before pulling your DC though. If it is a good place for her, then your involvement at school would greatly reduce over time anyway.

And please do talk to the head of your parent association for the school. Maybe they could organize grade wide pot luck parties outside in the fall and spring ..