Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now

[Anonymous]

If she WANTS to stay home then of course she should. My career was so much a part of my identity before kids, never would have thought I’d want to stay home. Now, If my husband made enough for me to do so and us keep our lifestyle, heck yes I would. A different way to look at this would be that she supported him through all of that schooling so now he finally has a decent salary where she can take a break and focus on their family.

It also doesn’t sound like your ILs understand medicine very well. If the speciality he chose isn’t family friendly, that’s a decision that he and your SIL made long ago when he chose his residency and fellowship, and there may not be many options to make it more family friendly. Some specialities just will never be. I’m sure they discussed this as they decided, my sister and her husband (both physicians) definitely did. So the cart is maybe a little away from the horse already. Drs schedules are HARD. Seriously hard. Unless you are in one of a few specialities like radiology, derm, etc. So this is a decision they made for him to pursue this career and it may totally make sense that it will be more enjoyable for both of them and their family as a whole for him to be home.

A good friend of mine who I went to grad school with, very career oriented and successful, ended up staying home as well when her physician husband was starting out after fellowship. I think she’ll go back when the kids get older but it just wasn’t worth it with his schedule for the stress it would cause their family and especially her since so much would fall on her. They are about as egalitarian as you get - their kids have HER last name, to show how committed they are to being equal partners. But his career just inevitably requires different things. So they make it work. They were also college sweethearts.

[Anonymous]

Her to be home*

[Anonymous]

My ILs doesn’t really care about money, they just feel it’s unfair that his career path dictates her life. They like him but do feel irritated by imbalance in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think an ambitious woman will bore quickly of having no identity other than wife and mom.

Ah, yes, instead the much more fulfilling identity of senior director of special marketing or VP of institutional partners or whatever. Lol. People are so delusional and self-important on here. Any truly ambitious person is not soliciting basic life advice on core issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs doesn’t really care about money, they just feel it’s unfair that his career path dictates her life. They like him but do feel irritated by imbalance in the relationship.

Holy lack of boundaries, batman.

In laws should keep their mouths shut and let the adults in the relationship make the decisions that are right for them.

If sister in law wants to try staying home and finances allow them to, then great, she should (opinions be damned)
If sister in law wants to keep her high intensity job, she and her husband can budget for the domestic help to make that a possibility.

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs doesn’t really care about money, they just feel it’s unfair that his career path dictates her life. They like him but do feel irritated by imbalance in the relationship.

Holy lack of boundaries, batman.

In laws should keep their mouths shut and let the adults in the relationship make the decisions that are right for them.

If sister in law wants to try staying home and finances allow them to, then great, she should (opinions be damned)
If sister in law wants to keep her high intensity job, she and her husband can budget for the domestic help to make that a possibility.

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Really, and they have been together since before med school. I would suspect they knew what they were getting into all along. It seems baffling that suddenly she's annoyed that he's going to get a job as a doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she want to stay home? How realistic is it for her dr husband to have a more relaxed schedule?

She is okay with it because alternative would be to bring children in a home where both parents are stressed and busy with hectic and erratic schedules due to travel and shifts.

He can’t dictate his schedule in his specialty and certainly not this early in his career and also needs to pay off his student loans (undergrad, post bacc and med school tuitions at expensive private institutions adds up to a big tag), she paid for everything else but he wants to pay back his loans himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs doesn’t really care about money, they just feel it’s unfair that his career path dictates her life. They like him but do feel irritated by imbalance in the relationship.

Holy lack of boundaries, batman.

In laws should keep their mouths shut and let the adults in the relationship make the decisions that are right for them.

If sister in law wants to try staying home and finances allow them to, then great, she should (opinions be damned)
If sister in law wants to keep her high intensity job, she and her husband can budget for the domestic help to make that a possibility.

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Really, and they have been together since before med school. I would suspect they knew what they were getting into all along. It seems baffling that suddenly she's annoyed that he's going to get a job as a doctor.

Or they know doctors often have wife #1 support them through med school then she gets dumped and have no career/money. Alimony is not what it use to be.

[Anonymous]

It’s a valid concern. I’d advise her to get a job with a great schedule, wonderful benefits and get a nanny,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs doesn’t really care about money, they just feel it’s unfair that his career path dictates her life. They like him but do feel irritated by imbalance in the relationship.

Holy lack of boundaries, batman.

In laws should keep their mouths shut and let the adults in the relationship make the decisions that are right for them.

If sister in law wants to try staying home and finances allow them to, then great, she should (opinions be damned)
If sister in law wants to keep her high intensity job, she and her husband can budget for the domestic help to make that a possibility.

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Really, and they have been together since before med school. I would suspect they knew what they were getting into all along. It seems baffling that suddenly she's annoyed that he's going to get a job as a doctor.

She isn’t annoyed, just feeling cold feet before making a life altering decision while going through life altering changes pregnancy and preparing for motherhood.

[Anonymous]

Wait, does she want to become a SAHM? Or her DH wants that? If she wants it, it's not a "sacrifice."

Regardless, there is a lot of room between her current high-powered career and SAHM. I would definitely advise her to try downshifting to a less demanding role before giving up working altogether. If it's not working, she can always quit, but preemptively quitting seems overly cautious. Lots of families figure out how to balance two careers with kids (including mine).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL got engaged to her college sweetheart right after undergrad. She is a financial executive now who worked and supported her DH through post-bacc, medical school, residency and fellowship. He is a finally earning a decent salary now. They are starting a family and thinking of her becoming a SAHM as his job hours are long and involve shifts. She is doing well in her career but doesn’t want stress of juggling a demanding career and young children. However, my ILs feel she made enough sacrifices (financial and of moving around for his med school, residency and recently for his new job) and this one is just not fair to her and he should find a schedule to be an equal partner. She asked me and her brother for advice. We couldn’t offer any. What your life experiences say about such a situation?

Is she even pregnant yet? Maybe she will be able to balance career and motherhood just fine. Lots of MDs have spouses who work. Seems like putting the cart before the horse.

[Anonymous]

She’s not even pregnant?

[Anonymous]

She has waited a long time to have kids so really wants to be a relaxed hands on mom instead of having to unload them on hired help.

[Anonymous]

He wants her to do whatever makes her happy but with his schedule, it’s not like she has many choices, something’s gotta give. She is okay with it but obviously feeling scared.