Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has waited a long time to have kids so really wants to be a relaxed hands on mom instead of having to unload them on hired help.

She was going to have to hire help regardless of her DH's schedule. Even if both parents have low-stress 9-5 jobs they still need childcare during the workday. It sounds like she just wants to be a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants her to do whatever makes her happy but with his schedule, it’s not like she has many choices, something’s gotta give. She is okay with it but obviously feeling scared.

She has plenty of choices though? She could get a nanny, go part-time, get a different job that's less demanding...I don't get why it has to be all or nothing

[Anonymous]

As others have said, she should do what she wants.

I'd suggest something middle of the road - a mommy track or a part-time position. I realize it's hard to think of what that might be coming from a high pressure situation, but if she looks around and talks to a lot of women, I bet she can get some ideas. Keeps her active with her foot in the door of something.

But if she wants to be a SAHM, then great. Good for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL got engaged to her college sweetheart right after undergrad. She is a financial executive now who worked and supported her DH through post-bacc, medical school, residency and fellowship. He is a finally earning a decent salary now. They are starting a family and thinking of her becoming a SAHM as his job hours are long and involve shifts. She is doing well in her career but doesn’t want stress of juggling a demanding career and young children. However, my ILs feel she made enough sacrifices (financial and of moving around for his med school, residency and recently for his new job) and this one is just not fair to her and he should find a schedule to be an equal partner. She asked me and her brother for advice. We couldn’t offer any. What your life experiences say about such a situation?

Is she even pregnant yet? Maybe she will be able to balance career and motherhood just fine. Lots of MDs have spouses who work. Seems like putting the cart before the horse.

She is. Yes but not all MDs have similar speciality , job demands, schedule or level of debt( let’s say one who attended state schools and didn’t do 2 year post bacc). Not all spouses have time consuming, high pressure jobs involving international travel or have spent 10 years supporting a student spouse). Lots of MDs also get divorced.

[Anonymous]

… or live really stressed lives with equally stressed spouses.

[Anonymous]

My DH says she’ll make things work to find her balance and her husband will find a better balance once he starts the new job. He thinks, it’s just fear and stress talking because they are settling in a new house in a new city, having their first baby and starting new jobs (well mostly BIL but she is using a local office campus as her base).

His recommendation to his parents is to quietly support them so they can figure it out themselves. They’ve been an amazing team since they were 20 years old so hopefully they will.

[Anonymous]

Depends if she wants to continue working or not. Honestly, these kind of sacrifices often come with the territory of being married to a doctor. I have a family member in the same exact situation- wife worked in finance, supported family while husband was in med school residency and fellowship. She managed to juggle both a demanding career and kids by negotiating some flexibility at work, having a nanny and involved family for backup. She enjoys her career. Prob would’ve quit and done something more flexible if money was no object but not really the case with most doctors. Point is, she should work if she wants to or doesn’t want to modify their lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh man. She should wait until he’s already made a lot of money so that she would be entitled to half of the marital assets if they get divorced.

Think how she would feel if she puts him through all that training, then quits to sahm, then they get divorced within a few years. She won’t be entitled to his assets earned after the divorce, except maybe some paltry alimony for a year or two and some child support maybe. She will be expected to go back to work, but she probably be to get as good a job after taking time off. So she will be watching him make all that money that she helped him train for, not be entitled to it, and watch him spend it on some other woman.

Seriously. She shouldn’t mommy track, at least not yet. Or at least not without a post nup.

Another important thing to consider. I’m a PP who posted above this, but actually know someone else who was in this exact situation. It’s a very good point.

[Anonymous]

She has worked hard for 10 years, no harm in taking some time off to enjoy motherhood, if and when she feels like going back, she’ll find something good with her resume. If she is happy and has some low stress years, it’s worth it. He’ll eventually gain bit more control over his schedule to relieve her.

Its overwhelming to have to make so many transitions while pregnant. He probably knows and treasures the value of her partner but you can’t blame your ILs for their concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL got engaged to her college sweetheart right after undergrad. She is a financial executive now who worked and supported her DH through post-bacc, medical school, residency and fellowship. He is a finally earning a decent salary now. They are starting a family and thinking of her becoming a SAHM as his job hours are long and involve shifts. She is doing well in her career but doesn’t want stress of juggling a demanding career and young children. However, my ILs feel she made enough sacrifices (financial and of moving around for his med school, residency and recently for his new job) and this one is just not fair to her and he should find a schedule to be an equal partner. She asked me and her brother for advice. We couldn’t offer any. What your life experiences say about such a situation?

Your ILs are right. He needs to step up. The years when it’s a juggle are soon over. Giving up your career is for life. I would never advise a woman to do that, knowing the bumps that could be down the road. Better to pay for help and have him flex his schedule than put her in that position. She’s done enough for him.

Also when your ILs go to bat for you, that’s a sign I wouldn’t ignore.

[Anonymous]

Oh sorry, it’s not her ILs but her parents. They’re still right. She is putting herself in a very vulnerable position if she quits now. At the very least she needs a post nup before going down that road.

[Anonymous]

I would not want to give up any sort of work seniority I had accrued by working over a decade in my profession. She really should keep a toe in the water. She should, of course, take parental leave once the baby arrives. If she can take 6 months to a year off, that would be ideal. Then start back up part-time.

Kids are expensive, and I"m guessing they still have medical school debts to pay off, so I wouldn't stop working altogether.

ILs should not offer advice unless asked. They can also volunteer to babysit.

[Anonymous]

Has she called considered changing careers. May be able to get parlay her current skill set to a different, less intensive career. Maybe go back to school and take some classes ina topic she finds interesting and see if that is s helpful. Wonder if she has s asking for your thoughts to see because she is insure what she wants to do or looking to see if her thoughts align with her preferences.

[Anonymous]

I posted before that my sister and brother in law are physicians and reading these responses I don’t think many people responding have a lot of experience with close family members in this field. It really is kind of a different arena. I’m not saying it’s right, or how it should be, and my sister and brother in law have an infant and are managing two residency’s while doing it, BUT there is kind of an equalizing factor there in that they both are in residency so one can’t really take on more than the other, realistically grandparents are helping a lot during this time because the control they have over their schedules is almost nil. Anyway this is all to say, I could totally understand why if one is a physician and the other not, why it would be incredibly difficult to be the one managing a career while still having to pick up more. It’s not like normal jobs or like he can just “set boundaries” - if he’s the surgeon on call and an emergency comes in he has to go in. If his last case/surgery of the day lasts longer than expected because there is a complication (they find more tumor than expected after opening, etc etc), he can’t just say “I have daycare pickup and have to scrub out.” It just isn’t how it works. Should we be changing how the system works for drs? After watching my family members I would be in full support. But that’s not likely to happen soon.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, should have put a paragraph in there… woof