Big Law and conspicuous shows of wealth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over yourself. That’s where I would start. Some people like big parties and big presents. Some people don’t. We are a”big law” family and we don’t. I’ve not found other “big law” families do, either. Worry about yourself and your old money.

+1 I'm in big law and our "showy" parties are backyard BBQs. My boss is also in big law, uses parties at his house as one way to network and entertain clients, and is a huge rainmaker at our firm. Nobody thinks he's doing it to show up some Connecticut Karen who simply cannot imagine beings so gauche as to ::checks notes:: buy gifts for friends' kids.

[Anonymous]

I know a lot of BigLaw people, because I am one, and I also come from an old money community. Old money people are super showy, just in very different ways. How about all those horses you have, the boarding school you, your parents, grandparents and great-grandparents all attended, the homes in prime locations that have been in the family "for generations", etc. etc. etc.


And I don't know any BigLaw person who does what you're describing. They don't have time to buy random gifts for their friends because they're always effing working.

[Anonymous]

You’re not old money. That much is clear.

While it’s possible you know several anomalous individuals, biglaw partners by and large are relatively inconspicuous with their spending. Our office garage is mostly family SUVs and sedans. Even the older guys who do spend, it’s a reasonable luxury sedan and the occasional midlife crisis Porsche. Nothing remotely ostentatious.

The lifestyle doesn’t lend itself to extravagance—eg elaborate vacations, late nights out, high risk activities like you see in sports, media, finance, etc, where execs are paid similarly in that $2mm+ range. So again, I think you’re just wrong.

Something tells me you’re trying to frame your discomfort with other peoples’ money in a way that makes you feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are from old money can you really say there’s “lots of money” in big law?

Not even sure what old money means in this context.

Met very few biglaw families like this. They tend more to live large but as a family.

Maybe it’s just my circle but I don’t even know many big law attorneys who really live large. I can think of 3: two who are very high up in their firms and one who has a trust fund (the one with a trust fund doesn’t live conspicuously, but she does all the wealthy things, rather than having to pick and choose like most big law attorneys do).

[Anonymous]

Both DH and I are in big law and I find big law lawyers to generally be pretty subtle and very sensitive to the fact that their clients (in-house counsel) usually make much less and can be pretty touchy about showy displays of wealth.

Also, as PP notes, big law has TONS of old money in it. I went to law school with some kids of very rich old families. About half of those went to do-gooder gigs like being public defender and the other half chased prestige at V10s in NYC. I found it odd considering they didn't need the money but oh well.

[Anonymous]

Oh dear - somebody has been watching too much The Guilded Age. I'm so over the old money crap. If you have been poor and struggling all your life and worked your ass off to enjoy life and treat people let them have that moment. They earned it. Did you? Trust me, doing it yourself vs. inheriting feels WAY better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have empathy. They're new money and don't know how to handle it. They're probably new money from Ohio or somewhere, which is even worse.

This actually made me lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of Big Law folks here. Lots of money in Big Law. I'm from an "old money" fiscally conservative family, so my question if more about culture than resources. I have several friends (3) in Big Law who are quite showy, always buying gifts for me and my kids (and everyone else in their circle). Celebrations with them are always over the top. At times it makes me uncomfortable. I'm positive it makes some friends in our larger social circle uncomfortable. It might come from a place of insecurity, I don't really know. These are very kind, smart folks, and I enjoy their company, but not necessarily this particular aspect of our friendship. Should I just ignore it? Give a subtle hint (if so, how)? If it is coming from a place of insecurity, I don't want to make that feeling worse. For now, I do ignore it.

Yes, for the people who feel uncomfortable, it mostly does come from insecurity. If people want to have over the top parties, it's fine. Doesn't mean you have to too. I have a good friend who does this because it just makes her happy. It's what she wants to do. There is no hidden agenda or hidden insecurity, she just has the money and enjoys doing it.

Now, if there's gossip about it... like you throw a bady party for you daughter at your house and hear through the grapevine people are saying they can't believe you did that when everyone else is renting out kids' gyms for $1,000... poor Larla... that's another story. But if they seem to enjoy it and don't expect anything in return, and are by all accounts good friends, let people be who they'll be.

[Anonymous]

Actually, if you want to generalize, it is partners from the small plaintiffs firms that make crazy money on big money contingency cases that tend to party like rock stars and fly on private jets and throw around money in various ways. if the OP feels that it is her duty to educate people on how to spend their wealth and generally be more restrained and classy like herself, she should talk to the plaintiffs' bar, not big law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, if you want to generalize, it is partners from the small plaintiffs firms that make crazy money on big money contingency cases that tend to party like rock stars and fly on private jets and throw around money in various ways. if the OP feels that it is her duty to educate people on how to spend their wealth and generally be more restrained and classy like herself, she should talk to the plaintiffs' bar, not big law.

This is very true.

[Anonymous]

I’m interested to hear from OP about gifts that make her uncomfortable and the other things they do. No snark, just curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love these old money people who feel they are better because they are "low key". I know a couple of old money folks (and a lot more that are not really "old money" but aspire to "old money values", and none of these people are as low key as they think they are. In most ways they are very obviously in a big giant bubble of privilege and ignorance.

+1000 and never go to dinner with them. Always split the bill to the penny. Relax.

[Anonymous]

I want to know more about OP. OP, do you work? What is your relationship to “old money” - how far back are we talking, and about how much? Why does being treated to a gift or being a guest at a nice party make you feel uncomfortable, and why do you assume others also feel uncomfortable? Why do you single out Big Law, and is it really the case they are a legion (as opposed to you just reacting to one example)?

I find the psychology of “old money” fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of BigLaw people, because I am one, and I also come from an old money community. Old money people are super showy, just in very different ways. How about all those horses you have, the boarding school you, your parents, grandparents and great-grandparents all attended, the homes in prime locations that have been in the family "for generations", etc. etc. etc.


And I don't know any BigLaw person who does what you're describing. They don't have time to buy random gifts for their friends because they're always effing working.

The whole old car pretend shabby is so ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of BigLaw people, because I am one, and I also come from an old money community. Old money people are super showy, just in very different ways. How about all those horses you have, the boarding school you, your parents, grandparents and great-grandparents all attended, the homes in prime locations that have been in the family "for generations", etc. etc. etc.


And I don't know any BigLaw person who does what you're describing. They don't have time to buy random gifts for their friends because they're always effing working.

+100 Most of the big law people I know who are making real money don't have time to be showy. Unlike old money, they got there by working 2500+ hours a year and have to keep that up to keep the money flowing in. And there just isn't a culture in most big law firms of showy wealth.