More empathy for kids or spouse?
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Anonymous
This. You sound like you’re doing fine OP, thought your follow up post was rude and defensive, but informative and needed clarifications. Yelling across a big house is needed. Reminding your kids if their basic chores is OK, better to ask them what needs to be done before bedtime than to tell them. Better to go to them, make eye contact and say it than yell from the kitchen or second floor, etc. Tag teaming w one’s spouse and being in the same page is excellent. He doesn’t sound like blind, clueless ManChild in your last post. Yes cut your kids some slack and empathy and age-appropriateness in their growing list of responsibilities. Also consider spending time with other families with kids so you can see for yourself how great your kids and you are doing! Give more compliments and praise for hard work, and make back and forth conversations with each kid. Also divide and conquer- have your capable husband take one kid for an errand or 1:1 time while you do so with the other kid or two. |
Anonymous
| I don't think asking someone to pick up after themselves (or not) has anything to do with empathy. |
Anonymous
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I have more empathy for my kids. I find it easier to empathize with their struggles because I remember being a kid.
As for my DH, as he and I have very different personalities and views of the world, I find it hard to see his perspective sometimes. That plus resentment about certain issues that clouds my ability to empathize with him, and he with me. We are working on this in therapy. Don’t forget — empathy is not just something most people “have” or feel. It is a conscious practice of putting yourself in another’s shoes. |
Anonymous
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Remember the blowback Ayelet Waldman got for speaking her mind about this topic publicly?
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1185105/A-mothers-confession-Hate-I-love-husband-MORE-children.html |
Anonymous
Love != Empathy |
Anonymous
I was going to post this. I agree with her. I would jump in front of a train for my kid but I love my husband more and put our marriage first. |
Anonymous
I am opposite. To me you sound callous, saying you and your husband “picked each other for life and you try to “train up” (like dogs?) kids and they are gone at 18. I feel sad that you don’t have the deep feelings some have for their children. My teen is my heart. |
Anonymous
Empathy is also seeing something or someone in need and helping them or fulfilling the need. Because you understand they are in need. You instinctively understand they are hurting and need a hug, or to be asked how they are doing, etc. You can certainly judge whether the need is warranted or not. And apply some common sense. Like a kid crying because they saw a candy machine (you empathize, say you understand they love candy but before dinner is not the time) versus a kid crating because their bike fell over going down a hill and they need a bandage and ice pack (you empathize, see they need TLC and minor (or major) medical attention and then do it). |
Anonymous
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Empathy is conscious for most neurotypicals.
Narcissists or neuro-atypicals— it must be worked on and practiced and constant reminding to do so is also required. Empathy of some esoteric struggle or trauma or perspective of a unique person or tribe requires listening, learning, compassion. And one can still apply their judgment on what they learn and can expect a basic level of personal agency/ minimize moral hazard. |
Anonymous
Agree. Something is off here. Like some rule or literal translation of parent versus child that OP is fixated on. I don’t believe she actually means she’s saying. Something is off with semantics at a minimum, or her value system at worse case. |
Anonymous
The only issue I have with that piece (and this post made me think of it) is where she said she’d more easily get over the death of one of her children than that of her husband. That is, to me, unfathomable. DH and I love each other a ton, but we’d also push each other in front of a bus to save one of our kids. A couple can prioritize their marriage in ways that aren’t inappropriately selfish. |
Anonymous
DP, but in re-reading the actual OP, there's definitely something off, although hopefully it's semantics. I mean, it's great that if the kids are losing their minds that the OP and her DH step in to help each other, but I have no idea where that translates to "us vs. the kids." DH and I tend to do the same, but to me, it's all of us on the same team, with the grown ups playing their roles and the kids playing theirs. Isn't that just being a (reasonably) functional family? The only actual example that relates to empathy is her struggling to understand her daughter's upset at specific things, which wouldn't upset her. And yeah, that literally is a case where you do need to cultivate empathy, at least if being empathic is important to you. Maybe the issue is that she naturally understands her husband better, so she doesn't have to work to understand him in the same way? |
Anonymous
Oh yeah I don't think I would "get over" my kid's death quickly. Would be equal amounts devastated over both kid/DH dying but in different ways. Would not personally be willing to push DH in front of a bus, even hypothetically, to save one of my kids though. In a "trolley problem" situation I'd prefer that we all die together than actively killing spouse to save kid. This has been a fun episode of The Good Place! |
Anonymous
This is so gross to me. Like, it literally makes my stomach turn. Guess that’s an empathy fail on my part, but Jesus… |
Anonymous
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My kid. 100%
DH already has a mom. |