My kid annoys people constantly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so far. We do try to do one on ones, it’s hardest with fave cousins who he wants to be around 24/7 — there’s virtually nothing that sounds better to him than whatever fave cousins are doing. I know I did a better job pre-COVID. Gotta get back to that.

Mostly it’s that he has the constant silly/goofy commentary. His reaction to really mundane things is commenting weird things (like “hey girl!! Want a rubber chicken??” to his male cousin apropos of nothing. That happened while I was typing. Imagine how an 8 year old finds that hilarious but at 12 years old a peer is like “WTF for the thousand time today”.) Listening to him now again and he’s saying “I like your cut G” and clapping which has been said like dozens of times this trip. It’s something to say about a haircut, but for no reason he just bursts out with it whenevs. That’s the very type of annoying thing that is his current speciality — silly phrase outbursts gone wild.

I agree with the PPs about talking (constantly) about how everyone needs a break. And making him take one away to give his cousins space. And repeatedly needing to discuss what behaviors/interactions that are annoying to others. It’s exhausting to do but it won’t ever be a one time convo, he needs constant daily reminders.

[Anonymous]

Can you make an explicit deal with him? Stay am extra day IG he agrees to a 3-hour break with you each afternoon?

[Anonymous]

I thought I wrote this. Just, solidarity.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I keep thinking about what to do, and realize that I used to bribe him more. I could do more of that again, for sure (like, hey I’ll get you a pack of cards When u go on a walk with me in the afternoon…) I guess I stopped doing that because his little sister got jealous but maybe need to bring back that option??

So I should use positive reinforcement, that works better I know. But I should I keep blaming shorter trips on logistics/other reasons?? I should right?? We just can’t manage his behavior 100 percent and it’s exhausting.

I will say aunt and uncle are good about it. Grandmother gets most mad. She’s not really into explanations of anything, she is one sassy bossy old school lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I keep thinking about what to do, and realize that I used to bribe him more. I could do more of that again, for sure (like, hey I’ll get you a pack of cards When u go on a walk with me in the afternoon…) I guess I stopped doing that because his little sister got jealous but maybe need to bring back that option??

So I should use positive reinforcement, that works better I know. But I should I keep blaming shorter trips on logistics/other reasons?? I should right?? We just can’t manage his behavior 100 percent and it’s exhausting.

I will say aunt and uncle are good about it. Grandmother gets most mad. She’s not really into explanations of anything, she is one sassy bossy old school lady.

I think you have to carefully consider what feedback you give him. I think the short trip thing is too sad but also too long-term and abstract for him. So stick with logistical reasons. But when he says the chicken thing, intervene every time, and after he says it 2 times, make him take a 30 minute break.

What are you doing to support impulse control and social skills in general?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I keep thinking about what to do, and realize that I used to bribe him more. I could do more of that again, for sure (like, hey I’ll get you a pack of cards When u go on a walk with me in the afternoon…) I guess I stopped doing that because his little sister got jealous but maybe need to bring back that option??

So I should use positive reinforcement, that works better I know. But I should I keep blaming shorter trips on logistics/other reasons?? I should right?? We just can’t manage his behavior 100 percent and it’s exhausting.

I will say aunt and uncle are good about it. Grandmother gets most mad. She’s not really into explanations of anything, she is one sassy bossy old school lady.

No. This is the opposite of what people are telling you. He’s too old for being bribed with toys. You need to talk to him and say his behavior is too much for a longer trip. If he agrees to take a daily 3 hour break with you, the next trip can be 4 days. You’re doing him a disservice by not telling him that his behavior is a problem. Really, family is a safe place to practice social skills. Take advantage of it because it’s only going to get harder as he gets older and his friends aren’t going to give him the many chances that the cousins will.

[Anonymous]

I think there are a few things here:

1) It sounds like partly you feel like you have to protect some members of your family from being annoyed, but have to actually talked to them about it? Because if I were your sister and your ASD tween was bugging my teen, then I would have thoughts about what we could and couldn’t handle. Maybe they’d be happy with a longer trip but need more structured breaks. Instead of projecting and assuming, consider taking a few family members aside and telling them “I know Larlo is a lot. I appreciate that it’s hard for you/your kids to be patient, but it really means a ton to him, because he loves his cousins so much. Here are some things I am considering to make our next trip go more smoothly, which sounds good to you?”

2) I think it is totally reasonable to sit him down and say, “Listen, you are at the age where you have to learn new social skills and rules because the rules are different for little kids than they are for young adults. Your cousins and family members need you to interact more like an adult. Here are three behaviors we are going to work on before the family trip in June.”

3) It sounds like you are all hanging out together kind of unstructured which is probably exacerbating these behaviors. A pretty low-maintenance way to try to make these trips easier on everyone would be to book a hotel or airbnb nearby instead of staying with family/at a shared rental. Then you can make it mandatory that he do some activity each morning before you go join the group that has a track record of really getting this energy out. A lot of the constant talking for my kid is a form of self-soothing. The process of talking and making noise is physical and it can be a way to expend energy. I find my kid does it less when he has really worn himself out. So going for a run or doing laps at the hotel pool or something like that brings him down for a few hours. Do that before you leave, then again right after lunch and it make take some pressure off.

4) If he is medicated, consider timing his meds so they are in full effect for as much of the time with family as possible. Our normal schedule is based around school, but we tweak a little on vacation so that meds run out a little later. It does throw off bedtime but we just dose with melatonin on vacation.

[Anonymous]

One thing I’ve used to guide my kids that I think is useful tip for any human is to ask questions about the person and then add some info about yourself - think of conversations like a sandwich that you are adding to always. So if what you are saying is not a question and is not a follow up then you are not having a good conversation. Might be a helpful rule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I keep thinking about what to do, and realize that I used to bribe him more. I could do more of that again, for sure (like, hey I’ll get you a pack of cards When u go on a walk with me in the afternoon…) I guess I stopped doing that because his little sister got jealous but maybe need to bring back that option??

So I should use positive reinforcement, that works better I know. But I should I keep blaming shorter trips on logistics/other reasons?? I should right?? We just can’t manage his behavior 100 percent and it’s exhausting.

I will say aunt and uncle are good about it. Grandmother gets most mad. She’s not really into explanations of anything, she is one sassy bossy old school lady.

No. This is the opposite of what people are telling you. He’s too old for being bribed with toys. You need to talk to him and say his behavior is too much for a longer trip. If he agrees to take a daily 3 hour break with you, the next trip can be 4 days. You’re doing him a disservice by not telling him that his behavior is a problem. Really, family is a safe place to practice social skills. Take advantage of it because it’s only going to get harder as he gets older and his friends aren’t going to give him the many chances that the cousins will.

All of this. You don't have to overwhelm him with negative feedback to the point where he can't process it, but you have to be crystal clear with him in a manageable way that his behavior is not okay and that it is causing him not to have the relationships that he wants. Give him a manageable goal (like not saying anything about rubber chickens) and feedback.

It seems like the unstructured time and conversation isn't working great for him, maybe consider something else with cousins like a game of frisbee or a museum or something. Walking around to see decorations, walking a dog, Pokemon Go, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your kid in weekly therapy? I would recommend this. Puberty/HS are going to be crucial years for his social development. Having him in therapy w/ an ASD specialist will be very helpful in him learning these things, skills, tactics, coping mechanisms, etc AS he is maturing.

[Anonymous]

I started recording some interactions with in laws and cousins permission. Then I pull my son aside and go o to another room and show him the video. Point out how his cousins react. Look At their body language, etc. It has helped him be more aware. He can see first time it’s funny 3rd, 5th, 10th time it isn’t on video but not in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I wrote this. Just, solidarity.

I can commiserate. It’s hard.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like either a tic, an impulse control problem, or your kid isn't picking up on the social cues that other people are getting annoyed. Can you explicitly teach him the signs of annoyance, and coach the cousins on telling him very very clearly?

[Anonymous]

Please seek out therapy for your son. This is not something you can manage on your own. I know first hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I keep thinking about what to do, and realize that I used to bribe him more. I could do more of that again, for sure (like, hey I’ll get you a pack of cards When u go on a walk with me in the afternoon…) I guess I stopped doing that because his little sister got jealous but maybe need to bring back that option??

So I should use positive reinforcement, that works better I know. But I should I keep blaming shorter trips on logistics/other reasons?? I should right?? We just can’t manage his behavior 100 percent and it’s exhausting.

I will say aunt and uncle are good about it. Grandmother gets most mad. She’s not really into explanations of anything, she is one sassy bossy old school lady.

I think you have to carefully consider what feedback you give him. I think the short trip thing is too sad but also too long-term and abstract for him. So stick with logistical reasons. But when he says the chicken thing, intervene every time, and after he says it 2 times, make him take a 30 minute break.

What are you doing to support impulse control and social skills in general?[/quote]

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