My kid annoys people constantly

[Anonymous]

So my ASD kid is very fun-loving and silly… which worked with the younger set and he’s had a lot of friends (but always annoyed adults.) Now he’s nearly 12 and he’s driving everyone crazy. He’s OK in small doses but currently on a 4-night visit with family and he’s driving same age cousins, grandmother, CRAZY. He’s simultaneously yelling at me every day for how “short” every trip we take is. I just say well we need to work, well we have things to take care of at home — I don’t say “you annoy everyone by day 3.” But that’s the truth. In contrast my in laws spend like two whole weeks together multiple times a year… he’s very jealous.

Should I be breaking it to him? I’m always spending tons of energy trying to manage him around other people (like today I asked to please change plans to the thing HE wanted to do - they weren’t thrilled but everyone agreed - I was just trying to avoid a meltdown.) He is generally oblivious to the fact that other people are catering to him. And he doesn’t read cues to know people are exasperated. I pulled him aside and pointed it out today and he was surprised and felt bad. Now multiple more times today he’s irritating everyone. His self awareness, when he has any, lasts for like a minute.

I’m mostly just ranting but I do have the major question of, how much do I tell him we’re trying to keep him from annoying the hell out of other people?? Would that help him regulate behavior or would it just make him feel MORE mad/sad? I think the latter. He’s just not getting it. Yet the consequences of irritating everyone get bigger as he gets older and there’s less tolerance for it.

(In general, he’s chatty and keeps a constant commentary of silly antics and nonsense goofing… energizer bunny style)

[Anonymous]

This is OP with one clarification. I am fine with telling him in the moment, “X behavior is annoying people.” I really mean to ask, do I ever say anything bigger picture to the effect of “the reason we only see your cousins for 3 nights is that they become annoyed and it’s not good for anyone.” As opposed to blaming logistics which is what I do.

BTW if I do intervene every time he’s annoying peiple it would be all day so I definitely don’t point it out all the time or he’d feel like shit.

[Anonymous]

Can you be more specific as to what behaviors are annoying?

[Anonymous]

When you’re with family, do you ever take him places 1:1 to give others a break? You mention that today you told him something and he felt bad. How often is he told that his behavior impacts others? Maybe there are some strategies for setting him up for success with coaching before/during the visit. Along with giving the rest of the family a break by distracting him with 1:1 activities.

Also, does the family really understand what ASD is and what that means? Compassion is a two-way street, but if your family is under informed, they may not be extending the compassion they could to your son.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the other poster. What is he doing or saying? Maybe we can give advice on how to prevent such behavior. Also, I do not think that you should change everyone’s plans for him. You could have done something “special” with just him while he went with you elsewhere. I have an ADHD son and he is a lot. He has to take breaks from others and others need breaks from him. I would tell him that he annoys people but I would say he needs a break and give him options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the other poster. What is he doing or saying? Maybe we can give advice on how to prevent such behavior. Also, I do not think that you should change everyone’s plans for him. You could have done something “special” with just him while he went with you elsewhere. I have an ADHD son and he is a lot. He has to take breaks from others and others need breaks from him. I would tell him that he annoys people but I would say he needs a break and give him options.

Meant to say that I wouldn’t tell him that he annoys people

[Anonymous]

Try the Social Detective or Superflex curriculum


It sounds like everyone needs a break from each other. Agree if you can take him separately for a favorite activity that might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP with one clarification. I am fine with telling him in the moment, “X behavior is annoying people.” I really mean to ask, do I ever say anything bigger picture to the effect of “the reason we only see your cousins for 3 nights is that they become annoyed and it’s not good for anyone.” As opposed to blaming logistics which is what I do.

BTW if I do intervene every time he’s annoying peiple it would be all day so I definitely don’t point it out all the time or he’d feel like shit.

Just tell him you want to do something special with just him because he is your very special guy. And tell him that people often get along better if they take breaks (IMO totally true of most humans).

[Anonymous]

Can the two of you come up with a secret code for when he needs to be quiet/calm down? My DD used to interrupt ALL the time, and we came up with the code that she'd touch my leg when she wanted to speak, and I'd touch her leg when I saw she wanted to speak as a sign that "I see you and will turn the conversation to you as soon as it makes sense".

So she felt seen and at the same time learned patience and didn't annoy people so much.

[Anonymous]

My ASD/ADHD kid is 11. I tell him once is funny, twice is silly, 3 times is too much.

I’m pretty open with him that his constant chattering, talking to himself, commenting on his boredom, discussing a topic no one else is interested in continuing to discuss, and inflexibility to do what others want are annoying to others.

I don’t know where it came from but he doesn’t want to be annoying. When I tell him he apologies and tries to stop. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t. The later in the day it gets and the more his meds wear off, the worse it gets.

When we visit family, everyone knows he and his behaviors are part of the family. I try to take him away from over stimulating situations when it’s getting to be too much for everyone. That might be a special 1:1 trip for ice cream, a drive in the car with his switch, or watching a special movie with me in bed. For the all cousins fun time, I try to do that in the mornings when he’s less annoying and more receptive to behavior correction.

[Anonymous]

At 12 you shouldn’t be changing everyone’s plans to cater to his preferences. He needs to learn that he doesn’t always get his way. You will have to deal with a meltdown, but other people can go about their plans until he is ready to join them.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to tell him OP.

I also think you need to give him some very clear guidelines about what he needs to do make visits run more smoothly. Maybe tell him to read for two hours in the afternoon daily. Maybe you and him go on a solo outing if it looks like he’s going to meltdown. I would not ask the group to change the activity to accommodate him. He needs to practice these skills with family who love him because friends are not going to be forgiving about this.

My child is younger but I have to be very clear in spelling out what is appropriate behavior. I can’t just say “stop picking your nose” like I would to a NT child. I have to say “it’s not okay to pick your nose in front of other people. If you need to that you can do it in the bathroom when you’re by yourself.” You need to take this approach with talking to your son about his family.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so far. We do try to do one on ones, it’s hardest with fave cousins who he wants to be around 24/7 — there’s virtually nothing that sounds better to him than whatever fave cousins are doing. I know I did a better job pre-COVID. Gotta get back to that.

Mostly it’s that he has the constant silly/goofy commentary. His reaction to really mundane things is commenting weird things (like “hey girl!! Want a rubber chicken??” to his male cousin apropos of nothing. That happened while I was typing. Imagine how an 8 year old finds that hilarious but at 12 years old a peer is like “WTF for the thousand time today”.) Listening to him now again and he’s saying “I like your cut G” and clapping which has been said like dozens of times this trip. It’s something to say about a haircut, but for no reason he just bursts out with it whenevs. That’s the very type of annoying thing that is his current speciality — silly phrase outbursts gone wild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP with one clarification. I am fine with telling him in the moment, “X behavior is annoying people.” I really mean to ask, do I ever say anything bigger picture to the effect of “the reason we only see your cousins for 3 nights is that they become annoyed and it’s not good for anyone.” As opposed to blaming logistics which is what I do.

BTW if I do intervene every time he’s annoying peiple it would be all day so I definitely don’t point it out all the time or he’d feel like shit.

Your son doesn’t have the social skills to understand what you’re trying to communicate here. You’re doing him a disservice by not explaining exactly why you can’t go in longer trips. Maybe tell him as he improves you can start extending the visits. This direct correlation is very helpful for someone with autism. Spell it out for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so far. We do try to do one on ones, it’s hardest with fave cousins who he wants to be around 24/7 — there’s virtually nothing that sounds better to him than whatever fave cousins are doing. I know I did a better job pre-COVID. Gotta get back to that.

Mostly it’s that he has the constant silly/goofy commentary. His reaction to really mundane things is commenting weird things (like “hey girl!! Want a rubber chicken??” to his male cousin apropos of nothing. That happened while I was typing. Imagine how an 8 year old finds that hilarious but at 12 years old a peer is like “WTF for the thousand time today”.) Listening to him now again and he’s saying “I like your cut G” and clapping which has been said like dozens of times this trip. It’s something to say about a haircut, but for no reason he just bursts out with it whenevs. That’s the very type of annoying thing that is his current speciality — silly phrase outbursts gone wild.

Honestly it sounds like a tic.