My kid annoys people constantly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I keep thinking about what to do, and realize that I used to bribe him more. I could do more of that again, for sure (like, hey I’ll get you a pack of cards When u go on a walk with me in the afternoon…) I guess I stopped doing that because his little sister got jealous but maybe need to bring back that option??

So I should use positive reinforcement, that works better I know. But I should I keep blaming shorter trips on logistics/other reasons?? I should right?? We just can’t manage his behavior 100 percent and it’s exhausting.

I will say aunt and uncle are good about it. Grandmother gets most mad. She’s not really into explanations of anything, she is one sassy bossy old school lady.

I think you have to carefully consider what feedback you give him. I think the short trip thing is too sad but also too long-term and abstract for him. So stick with logistical reasons. But when he says the chicken thing, intervene every time, and after he says it 2 times, make him take a 30 minute break.

What are you doing to support impulse control and social skills in general?[/quote]

+1

I had the same thought. Also, is your DS aware of his diagnosis/neurodivergence? Have you sought any professional supports or guidance? If not, it might be time.

[Anonymous]

This is really hard stuff, op! I agree with your instinct and what you’ve been doing which is comment on specific behaviors and reactions (“I think cousin larlo wants to keep playing chess and you’re distracting him, buddy”) rather than the meta level which I don’t think he’d be able to make use of. I also think “code words” can be helpful, as can making things explicit with other adults in the family (not in front of ds) if they are reasonable people (“Judy, I just want you to know cousin larla is doing her best to be patient t with ds and his rhyming joke-I know it’s bugging her and we’re working in it!”)

[Anonymous]

You’re doing this kid a major disservice by not telling him the truth. It’s your job to prepare him to live outside of your home and your protection. Tell him!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you everyone. I am going to need to get more specific, direct, and structured - writing out what breaks and stuff he MUST take and then additional as needed. And instead of abstract, I think telling him that repetitive behavior is annoying and giving that silent cue maybe, reminding him that he can’t repeat the same things, is a more difrect helpful way to go.

You’re all right that hanging loose is a recipe for disaster.

He has been in approx 3x/month therapy for nearly three years, but so much of that was COVID time and while we continued on zoom therapy, I feel like we haven’t spent enough on social interactions? We talk about distress tolerance a lot, naming your emotions… but there’s gonna be a lot more to cover. We spent months on getting him to willingly engage in personal hygiene for example and made huge and hopefully permanent strides on that specific thing. But the social stuff has been insufficient, clearly. There’s so much territory to cover.

[Anonymous]

So he was diagnosed when he was 9?

I totally understand the feeling of having so many therapy topics to cover, you can't possibly fit them all in. But yes, being crystal clear with him that there are rules for social behavior and how to tell when he is annoying someone is the way to go. It will help him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so far. We do try to do one on ones, it’s hardest with fave cousins who he wants to be around 24/7 — there’s virtually nothing that sounds better to him than whatever fave cousins are doing. I know I did a better job pre-COVID. Gotta get back to that.

Mostly it’s that he has the constant silly/goofy commentary. His reaction to really mundane things is commenting weird things (like “hey girl!! Want a rubber chicken??” to his male cousin apropos of nothing. That happened while I was typing. Imagine how an 8 year old finds that hilarious but at 12 years old a peer is like “WTF for the thousand time today”.) Listening to him now again and he’s saying “I like your cut G” and clapping which has been said like dozens of times this trip. It’s something to say about a haircut, but for no reason he just bursts out with it whenevs. That’s the very type of annoying thing that is his current speciality — silly phrase outbursts gone wild.

Honestly it sounds like a tic.

Yes, my 10-yo adhd DS does this and it’s hard to explain but I know exactly what you mean. It is a tic/impulsivity.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he lacks a strong sense of his own personality so he is imitating YouTube and kind of trying things on for size. Do you think he has a clear sense of the good things he does bring to the table? What are his strengths? Maybe you can talk about those more frequently and encourage him to lean into those and to try to find out more about others instead of just talking for the sake of it

[Anonymous]

I had a kid in class like this and while he had many appealing characteristics, the constant talk and jokes wore me out. What helped with him was 123 Magic. I’d count him to 3 if he kept saying the same thing or aggravating people and then he had to take a break from the group. This helped him self-regulate. I also allowed time for him to do the constant chatter away from others to get it out of his system.

I think you should sit down with him and outline the things that happen by writing them down so they are concrete in his visual mind, and also writing down his positive qualities. Then say you need to work together to create a plan especially for family gatherings because you want to see family more often. Find out, maybe over several conversations, what he was thinking or feeling when specific issues happened. Look for common threads. Is his mind just racing? Is he anxious? Is he overwhelmed by feeling socially pressured? Let him talk and just listen (about this!).

I would definitely get him in a social skills group,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone. I am going to need to get more specific, direct, and structured - writing out what breaks and stuff he MUST take and then additional as needed. And instead of abstract, I think telling him that repetitive behavior is annoying and giving that silent cue maybe, reminding him that he can’t repeat the same things, is a more difrect helpful way to go.

You’re all right that hanging loose is a recipe for disaster.

He has been in approx 3x/month therapy for nearly three years, but so much of that was COVID time and while we continued on zoom therapy, I feel like we haven’t spent enough on social interactions? We talk about distress tolerance a lot, naming your emotions… but there’s gonna be a lot more to cover. We spent months on getting him to willingly engage in personal hygiene for example and made huge and hopefully permanent strides on that specific thing. But the social stuff has been insufficient, clearly. There’s so much territory to cover.

I would talk to the therapist about the need for help with social skills (and possibly look into a social skills group). My child presents pretty similarly and has been in twice a week therapy for years and separate social skills therapy with a speech therapist. That therapy provides a frame of reference for discussing appropriate behavior. My child did very well with his younger cousins recently but with his older cousins on the other side of the family, he has much more trouble (a lot more talking only about his interests, etc). Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone. I am going to need to get more specific, direct, and structured - writing out what breaks and stuff he MUST take and then additional as needed. And instead of abstract, I think telling him that repetitive behavior is annoying and giving that silent cue maybe, reminding him that he can’t repeat the same things, is a more difrect helpful way to go.

You’re all right that hanging loose is a recipe for disaster.

He has been in approx 3x/month therapy for nearly three years, but so much of that was COVID time and while we continued on zoom therapy, I feel like we haven’t spent enough on social interactions? We talk about distress tolerance a lot, naming your emotions… but there’s gonna be a lot more to cover. We spent months on getting him to willingly engage in personal hygiene for example and made huge and hopefully permanent strides on that specific thing. But the social stuff has been insufficient, clearly. There’s so much territory to cover.

I would talk to the therapist about the need for help with social skills (and possibly look into a social skills group). My child presents pretty similarly and has been in twice a week therapy for years and separate social skills therapy with a speech therapist. That therapy provides a frame of reference for discussing appropriate behavior. My child did very well with his younger cousins recently but with his older cousins on the other side of the family, he has much more trouble (a lot more talking only about his interests, etc). Good luck.

I agree. It really should be weekly b/c chances are there are so many things happening to him each week that he won’t always remember the bug things each week. Def, discuss social interaction!

[Anonymous]

And don’t tell him he annoys grandma or his cousins and that’s why you can’t stay. That’s a hurt that sticks with you for a long time and doesn’t help at all. Make excuses and try to stay longer as he builds his skills. Hugs.