School accused my 8 yo DD of stealing a tablet and threatened her with a “permanent record”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at permanent record. I mean, I am sorry because I am sure that was traumatizing to be called into the office. But LOLOLOL at “permanent record.”

Op here. I mean she’s 8 years old and was alone, and also, we had ALREADY told them she never had two tablets, and it all ended up being the school’s fault.

I should also mention that she has a developmental disability and is on an IEP and we are not native English speakers.

Frame it as a learning experience to her. A valuable one at that. That:

1) People make mistakes, even adults

2) People say things they later regret

3) We should forgive

4) Forgiveness means we give 2nd chance, but not same as forgetting

5) Some people do steal, so she should watch her electronics

6) don’t trust authority figures

7) if you get called into the office demand they call you parents and refuse to talk

[Anonymous]

Who did the accusing? The principal or a front office worker? I would write up what happened and say the child doesn’t feel apologized to and you want to be there for the re-do.

If it were the principal I would escalate. That’s indefensible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at permanent record. I mean, I am sorry because I am sure that was traumatizing to be called into the office. But LOLOLOL at “permanent record.”

Op here. I mean she’s 8 years old and was alone, and also, we had ALREADY told them she never had two tablets, and it all ended up being the school’s fault.

I should also mention that she has a developmental disability and is on an IEP and we are not native English speakers.

Frame it as a learning experience to her. A valuable one at that. That:

1) People make mistakes, even adults

2) People say things they later regret

3) We should forgive

4) Forgiveness means we give 2nd chance, but not same as forgetting

5) Some people do steal, so she should watch her electronics

6) don’t trust authority figures

7) if you get called into the office demand they call you parents and refuse to talk

Teaching a kid to distrust authority is not a good look at 15, 17, 20. .

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but for a school administrator to have such a meeting with the student, where they are accusing her of stealing an item, without consulting with a parent, that is inexcusable. Especially after they had already spoken with the parent and conveniently "forgot" that they had the conversation the day before.

I would be writing an angry email to the principal and cc'ing the school superintendent. I would expect a meeting between the principal and the family (parents and student) where the principal explicitly apologizes to the student and explains that the adults involved were wrong and that the principal would be speaking to them about what they did wrong and how they should have behaved.

If there was a concern that the child was assigned two tablets or had kept the first tablet when being assigned the second, they should contact that parents. If they need to have a meeting with the child about such a situation, they should do so with the parents present. This is not a situation like a standard disciplinary meeting where school officials should talk to the student first. When there is an issue of school property that has been assigned and sent home, if there is a question about that property, you need to involve the parents, especially for a child as young as 8. 8 year olds can barely keep track of what's in their backpack and they cannot keep track of items once out of sight "out of sight, out of mind".

Handled terribly and the principal should be handling an apology in person and directly herself.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a good opportunity to coach your daughter on what to do in this kind of situation. Things like
- stay calm and polite
- ask for a break if you need one to stay calm - everybody can feel panic-y, and it’s okay to need a minute or two
- write down what happened (ie the tablet swap)
- write down what is being said to you (take notes during or after the conversation)
- get help/back up if you need it (in this case from you)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at permanent record. I mean, I am sorry because I am sure that was traumatizing to be called into the office. But LOLOLOL at “permanent record.”

Op here. I mean she’s 8 years old and was alone, and also, we had ALREADY told them she never had two tablets, and it all ended up being the school’s fault.

I should also mention that she has a developmental disability and is on an IEP and we are not native English speakers.

OP +1 to PP's lists for your DD.

Also, how are your DD's self-advocacy skills? Did she self-advocate as much as she could have? If she didn't or couldn't, you could tell the IEP case manager that your DD needs more support in that area. Public school kids in 2021 need better self-advocacy skills than ever. The system is flawed, the teachers are stretched, the students have a greater variety of needs. Don't be afraid to ask the case manager to step up and help your DD with expressive or pragmatic language to handle future events.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know where you live or if this would be realistic for you, but in your shoes I would seriously consider pulling her and switching to catholic school or a private school you can afford. I can’t imagine what is wrong with those people when their “evidence” of her thievery is their own records showing they gave her a second laptop. I mean, wtf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a good opportunity to coach your daughter on what to do in this kind of situation. Things like
- stay calm and polite
- ask for a break if you need one to stay calm - everybody can feel panic-y, and it’s okay to need a minute or two
- write down what happened (ie the tablet swap)
- write down what is being said to you (take notes during or after the conversation)
- get help/back up if you need it (in this case from you)

That’s fine advice for a 12 year old. Op’s 8 year old should never have been put in this position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where you live or if this would be realistic for you, but in your shoes I would seriously consider pulling her and switching to catholic school or a private school you can afford. I can’t imagine what is wrong with those people when their “evidence” of her thievery is their own records showing they gave her a second laptop. I mean, wtf?

Op here. This is absolutely on the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at permanent record. I mean, I am sorry because I am sure that was traumatizing to be called into the office. But LOLOLOL at “permanent record.”

Op here. I mean she’s 8 years old and was alone, and also, we had ALREADY told them she never had two tablets, and it all ended up being the school’s fault.

I should also mention that she has a developmental disability and is on an IEP and we are not native English speakers.

OP +1 to PP's lists for your DD.

Also, how are your DD's self-advocacy skills? Did she self-advocate as much as she could have? If she didn't or couldn't, you could tell the IEP case manager that your DD needs more support in that area. Public school kids in 2021 need better self-advocacy skills than ever. The system is flawed, the teachers are stretched, the students have a greater variety of needs. Don't be afraid to ask the case manager to step up and help your DD with expressive or pragmatic language to handle future events.

Op here. Her self advocacy skills are definitely lacking. She is very small and immature for her age and her English is not 100% yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What school was this at, if I may ask?

Something similar happened at my kid's Loudoun County elementary school.

This was one in a long series of small indignities dumped by school staff on the children. Unfairly targeting and accusing kids is not okay. This is the kind of unfair treatment that will scar a child. I'd make a stink about it and document it in a letter to the principal, cc'd to the school administration if I was not satisfied with the apology.

Op here. We actually do not live in DC anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at permanent record. I mean, I am sorry because I am sure that was traumatizing to be called into the office. But LOLOLOL at “permanent record.”

Op here. I mean she’s 8 years old and was alone, and also, we had ALREADY told them she never had two tablets, and it all ended up being the school’s fault.

I should also mention that she has a developmental disability and is on an IEP and we are not native English speakers.

I don't think PP was laughing at the situation (which is terrible) but rather at "permanent record" which, if those are the words they actually used, is hilariously cliche. Violent Femmes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where you live or if this would be realistic for you, but in your shoes I would seriously consider pulling her and switching to catholic school or a private school you can afford. I can’t imagine what is wrong with those people when their “evidence” of her thievery is their own records showing they gave her a second laptop. I mean, wtf?

Wouldn't a Catholic school gone straight to caning in this instance? Or do they slap you on the hands with a ruler now?

[Anonymous]

Would they have been treated this way if they were white? I would we be seriously complaining and documenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where you live or if this would be realistic for you, but in your shoes I would seriously consider pulling her and switching to catholic school or a private school you can afford. I can’t imagine what is wrong with those people when their “evidence” of her thievery is their own records showing they gave her a second laptop. I mean, wtf?

Seriously. If she stole a tablet, how did it get properly registered and set up in her name? I would be furious.