Dealing with MIL during Xmas

[Anonymous]

The posters are WAY too nice. Tell her to back off!

[Anonymous]

My MIL is very similar although not a psychologist. I've been married 16 years. It took me a couple of years to realize that I couldn't tell her anything without fear of it being brought up at really inopportune times with zero regard for how I might feel about it. It often felt that my MIL was honing in on an issue that she knew I was upset or uncomfortable about. Or she'd throw something in my DH's face that I had mentioned to her. So I stopped sharing things with her and I only respond to her questions with vague answers. I am always polite and friendly, but I am just very careful with the info I share about DH, our kids, and me. Fortunately, DH and I are on the same page when it comes to his mom.

IME, you have to be careful about adding fuel to the fire with your responses because you don't want to give the person any wiggle room to claim that you were rude or disrespectful - especially when it's your MIL and your DH doesn't share your view of the situation. Responding defensively also signals to the person that they touched a nerve, which might be exactly what they are trying to do. It's better to respond with as little info as possible. Depending on your personality and your relationship with your MIL, you might be able to diffuse the situation with a joke and a quick subject change. I did this quite a bit (still do). It feels more natural to me than responding with a snarky retort or ignoring the question entirely.

MIL: "Is that formula you're feeding the baby?"
You: (laughs) "What? Why do you always ask that? Well, don't you worry - this baby is getting PLENTY to eat! Oh, I read this article the other day..."

Lastly, I'll admit that I was a little too sensitive about my MIL's comments in the beginning. I took them way too personally. I was always a bit uncomfortable around her due to her tendency to pry and once I became a mother, I was dealing with a whole new area of insecurity. In hindsight, I wish I would not have spent so much time and energy trying to figure her out and manage the relationship. When I finally dropped the rope and decided it was best for me and my family to be more guarded around her, it became much easier to deal with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband and I have been married for 3 years (together for 5) and have two kids (toddler and newborn). His mother is a psychologist, but in spite of her training can be insensitive. Over thanksgiving she asked me if I called an estranged family member (who I have been estranged from for years -she knows this as I’ve been open about the toxicity of the relationship and pain the estrangement has caused) and told them I’d given birth. I responded that I still didn’t have a relationship with the person, so I hadn’t called them. I had low supply with my first child and felt horrible that I had to supplement with formula (I shared this with her at the time), but am trying to accept that I’ll have to combo feed my current newborn. Knowing how much I beat myself up about not being able to EBF my first I didn’t understand why my MIL asked me every time I gave my baby a bottle if it was breast milk or formula. It shouldn’t matter to her and it felt to me like she kept trying to highlight that I wasn’t EBFing. I’ve tried getting close with her over the years, but have found that she can be quite mean sometimes - and it feels pointed because she’s a psychologist and somewhere I think she probably knows what she’s doing. We’re going to be staying with her at Christmas and I’m dreading the barbs. Does anyone have advice on how to deal with this sort of dynamic? I’ve been open with my husband about it, but his reaction is always to tell me she didn’t mean anything by it.

I'll admit that this sounds to me like you are reading more into these comments than she means. I think you should be direct but kind that you find the comments hurtful, because she simply may not realize the impact they are having on you.

Asking about whether the milk is breastmilk or formula may be her way of trying to ask you how breastfeeding is going.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I just brought up to my husband my interactions with his mom over thanksgiving in the hopes of maybe running by him some of the responses provided here in case I dealt with similar commentary from his mom over Christmas and he totally lost it. He asked me if I thought she said the things that I said intentionally. When I said that I honestly didn’t know if she intended to hurt me or not he said that I was crazy and that she bent over backwards to be nice to me. She asked about the estranged relative because she felt “overly familiar” and she didn’t mean anything when she asked what was in the bottles, she was making conversation. He got really really upset and basically won’t speak to me now. I don’t even know what to think at this point.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. With my dh when taking about my ILs it took a long time for him to understand "you don't have to agree with me but you have to understand that this is how I feel." I've had to tell him things like "you've heard me tell her that I'd rather not talk about xyz, and shenbrings it up every time. I feel disrespected". A lot of indisputable facts, and "I" statements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I just brought up to my husband my interactions with his mom over thanksgiving in the hopes of maybe running by him some of the responses provided here in case I dealt with similar commentary from his mom over Christmas and he totally lost it. He asked me if I thought she said the things that I said intentionally. When I said that I honestly didn’t know if she intended to hurt me or not he said that I was crazy and that she bent over backwards to be nice to me. She asked about the estranged relative because she felt “overly familiar” and she didn’t mean anything when she asked what was in the bottles, she was making conversation. He got really really upset and basically won’t speak to me now. I don’t even know what to think at this point.

I don’t know either but I’m sorry, OP. It sounds like you’re going to be on your own with this one, without his support. Do you have a hx of being called sensitive or paranoid? Just trying to get a frame of reference here for why your DH might flip out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I just brought up to my husband my interactions with his mom over thanksgiving in the hopes of maybe running by him some of the responses provided here in case I dealt with similar commentary from his mom over Christmas and he totally lost it. He asked me if I thought she said the things that I said intentionally. When I said that I honestly didn’t know if she intended to hurt me or not he said that I was crazy and that she bent over backwards to be nice to me. She asked about the estranged relative because she felt “overly familiar” and she didn’t mean anything when she asked what was in the bottles, she was making conversation. He got really really upset and basically won’t speak to me now. I don’t even know what to think at this point.

I don’t know either but I’m sorry, OP. It sounds like you’re going to be on your own with this one, without his support. Do you have a hx of being called sensitive or paranoid? Just trying to get a frame of reference here for why your DH might flip out.

No history of being called sensitive or paranoid. I get along well with his mom. I’m just sick of dealing with her barbs. I guess I don’t have a choice though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be more direct with her. “You keep asking me what kind of milk is in the bottle, and it makes me feel bad. Can you please not keep asking?” Be polite and calm, and just tell her your feelings in a very direct way.

Or try- “why do you ask” and hold her gaze and see what she says.

This would be very appropriate to do with a therapist. See what she says.

+1 million. Practice the silence it will be difficult but you have to hold it. That’s your power OP

[Anonymous]

“This bottle? Straight whiskey, Barb.” [big smile]

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the DH is caught in the middle between a possibly overreaching mother and the possibly "hurt" mother of his children. What a headache for him, poor guy!

OP, decide how you wish to proceed going forward and what's most important to you on the day to day life with your own nuclear family. And how you want your interactions with your psychologist MIL to be. You've gotten some good feedback here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Why are you asking, Barbara? I confided with you how I felt about combo feeding with Jason. Surely a psychologist would know this is a sensitive subject, and would just be supportive of however I am feeding my baby."

Direct eye contact. I would use "surely a psychologist" with her a lot so that she knows you are on to her game.

"No, Barbara, I am still not in touch with my cousin. Surely a psychologist knows that estrangement is painful and wouldn't press such a sensitive topic. Why would you assume I would contact someone with whom I am estranged? I'm trying to get at your motivation here. Is it to hurt me?"

Why? Why these BS answers to her BS questions? You are getting entangled in her mind games and being antagonistic. No need for that. Are you ladies grown ups or not?

+ a million. This sounds so juvenile. Don’t take advice from someone so passive aggressive/toxic. Just be direct or use the “why do you ask?”

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t be surprised if your shrink MiL knew exactly what buttons to push for you, but knowing what’s in the bottle matters if you want her to feed the baby. Breast milk goes back in the fridge if baby doesn’t finish right away, formula goes right down the drain. If my MIL poured out all of my hard earned breast milk right away for my light eater, I think I’d have a meltdown.

[Anonymous]

OP, tone-down your words. And better emotions will follow
toxicity ... horrible ... beat myself up ...
Start there and she will get to you less

[Anonymous]

Good advice from everyone….but could you be feeling extra sensitive? Babies hormones are a doozy and make everything feel pointed and we’re just trying to hold on the best we can.
Good luck, and don’t be afraid to go to a quiet room for “alone time” when you are with her.

[Anonymous]

The problem with “ why do you ask” is that I would respond with “ if I was just curious” or “ no reason I was just wondering” which kind of puts it back on you to actually answer. How long are you going for? I don’t think I could have stayed with my MIL with a newborn AND a toddler.