Dealing with MIL during Xmas

[Anonymous]

Husband and I have been married for 3 years (together for 5) and have two kids (toddler and newborn). His mother is a psychologist, but in spite of her training can be insensitive. Over thanksgiving she asked me if I called an estranged family member (who I have been estranged from for years -she knows this as I’ve been open about the toxicity of the relationship and pain the estrangement has caused) and told them I’d given birth. I responded that I still didn’t have a relationship with the person, so I hadn’t called them. I had low supply with my first child and felt horrible that I had to supplement with formula (I shared this with her at the time), but am trying to accept that I’ll have to combo feed my current newborn. Knowing how much I beat myself up about not being able to EBF my first I didn’t understand why my MIL asked me every time I gave my baby a bottle if it was breast milk or formula. It shouldn’t matter to her and it felt to me like she kept trying to highlight that I wasn’t EBFing. I’ve tried getting close with her over the years, but have found that she can be quite mean sometimes - and it feels pointed because she’s a psychologist and somewhere I think she probably knows what she’s doing. We’re going to be staying with her at Christmas and I’m dreading the barbs. Does anyone have advice on how to deal with this sort of dynamic? I’ve been open with my husband about it, but his reaction is always to tell me she didn’t mean anything by it.

[Anonymous]

Man, I didn’t even read your post, but grey rock is best to deal with horrible IL’s. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Be more direct with her. “You keep asking me what kind of milk is in the bottle, and it makes me feel bad. Can you please not keep asking?” Be polite and calm, and just tell her your feelings in a very direct way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be more direct with her. “You keep asking me what kind of milk is in the bottle, and it makes me feel bad. Can you please not keep asking?” Be polite and calm, and just tell her your feelings in a very direct way.

Or try- “why do you ask” and hold her gaze and see what she says.

[Anonymous]

"I prefer not to say."

[Anonymous]

OP, tell your DH to handle MIL.

[Anonymous]

Ignore. Smile. Deflect. And each time she asks you a question, just give her tasks so she feels useful.

MIL : What kind of milk is in the bottle?
You: Oooh...I just realized...it would be great if you can read a book to Larlo (toddler) while I feed Larla (baby) so he is entertained. Thank you so much.

DONE.

[Anonymous]

I agree that "Why do you ask?" is a great response to both situations.

Her: "Have you contacted your estranged family member?"
You: "Why do you ask?"

Her: "Is that breast milk or formula?"
You: "Why do you ask?"

Then at least you're requiring her to own her motivation, or make up an excuse that will be clearly an excuse. And you can follow up with, "As I've told you before, I'm not in touch with estranged family member, and I prefer not to talk about the situation." "As you know, I had low supply with Baby #1, and it was very stressful, so it's a painful subject. Please don't ask about it."

[Anonymous]

"Why are you asking, Barbara? I confided with you how I felt about combo feeding with Jason. Surely a psychologist would know this is a sensitive subject, and would just be supportive of however I am feeding my baby."

Direct eye contact. I would use "surely a psychologist" with her a lot so that she knows you are on to her game.

"No, Barbara, I am still not in touch with my cousin. Surely a psychologist knows that estrangement is painful and wouldn't press such a sensitive topic. Why would you assume I would contact someone with whom I am estranged? I'm trying to get at your motivation here. Is it to hurt me?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be more direct with her. “You keep asking me what kind of milk is in the bottle, and it makes me feel bad. Can you please not keep asking?” Be polite and calm, and just tell her your feelings in a very direct way.

Or try- “why do you ask” and hold her gaze and see what she says.

I agree. I think you need to be direct. It will force her bs out in the open and hopefully it will make it stop. If nothing else may your husband will step up to the plate and take care of you and your feelings by dealing with her. For some reason she wants to hurt you. Any idea why? She sounds like the Mom from Everybody Loves Raymond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore. Smile. Deflect. And each time she asks you a question, just give her tasks so she feels useful.

MIL : What kind of milk is in the bottle?
You: Oooh...I just realized...it would be great if you can read a book to Larlo (toddler) while I feed Larla (baby) so he is entertained. Thank you so much.

DONE.

MIL : Have you told your toxic estranged relative that you had a baby?
You : Oooh...I just realized...that the small table is not wiped and Larlo does not have a place to do his coloring. Can you please wipe it and give some crayons and paper to Larlo? Thank you so much, grandma!!

MIL : You never answer any of my questions?
You : (Look blankly at her)...Oh, I am so sorry. My brain seems to be fried since I have had kids. Was it the same for you?
MIL : Not at all. I got my license while I had two under two.
You : Wow! That's awesome.

MIL : Why is the house so messy?
You : Oh dear. We have no help and DH is slammed too. He will be so glad if you can vacuum the play area because it will be one less chore for him to handle.

MIL : You need to lose some weight. Its been 6 months since your kid was born and you have put on even more.
You : You are so right. I think I can try the gym if you can commit to look after the kids for two hours thrice a week. Will that be feasible? When are you free? I think I would want DH to join me too.

I can give you more examples too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be more direct with her. “You keep asking me what kind of milk is in the bottle, and it makes me feel bad. Can you please not keep asking?” Be polite and calm, and just tell her your feelings in a very direct way.

Or try- “why do you ask” and hold her gaze and see what she says.

This would be very appropriate to do with a therapist. See what she says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Why are you asking, Barbara? I confided with you how I felt about combo feeding with Jason. Surely a psychologist would know this is a sensitive subject, and would just be supportive of however I am feeding my baby."

Direct eye contact. I would use "surely a psychologist" with her a lot so that she knows you are on to her game.

"No, Barbara, I am still not in touch with my cousin. Surely a psychologist knows that estrangement is painful and wouldn't press such a sensitive topic. Why would you assume I would contact someone with whom I am estranged? I'm trying to get at your motivation here. Is it to hurt me?"

Why? Why these BS answers to her BS questions? You are getting entangled in her mind games and being antagonistic. No need for that. Are you ladies grown ups or not?

[Anonymous]

When she asks what's in the bottle, just smile kindly and say "Food." When she asks about the estranged relative knowing things say "I don't want to talk about him. Are you excited for Christmas?" and if she asks again switch it to "I'm not going to talk about him."

Also, tell her less in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be more direct with her. “You keep asking me what kind of milk is in the bottle, and it makes me feel bad. Can you please not keep asking?” Be polite and calm, and just tell her your feelings in a very direct way.

Or try- “why do you ask” and hold her gaze and see what she says.

+1 to this. And I'll add that I get a real vibe from you that still perceive that she's the adult and you're the kid. This is very much the dynamic with my MIL. She is the matriarch and no one ever really directly confronts her. But she wouldn't ask questions like your MIL does. We all function at a more surface level.

Anyway, my point is that you are a fully fledged adult and you are entitled to act like one and refuse to answer these types of questions and/or be direct about it.