Dealing with MIL during Xmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with “ why do you ask” is that I would respond with “ if I was just curious” or “ no reason I was just wondering” which kind of puts it back on you to actually answer. How long are you going for? I don’t think I could have stayed with my MIL with a newborn AND a toddler.

No, then you just shrug and let the topic die. Or you say, "oh interesting" or "ok."

Saying "why do you ask" in a response to a question is a clear indication that the question is not welcome.

I also note that the two examples OP gives are examples of topics that her MIL knows are topics with some level of negative emotion around them for the OP.

I don't know what is going on with the husband.

[Anonymous]

What's a bigger problem than your MIL is your husband.

I'd grey rock her. Stop confiding in her. Stop telling her personal things. Discuss the surface, be polite, move along. Take breaks to feed the baby in another room.

Also, if you JUST spent Thanksgiving with his family, why are you going back at Christmas? I'd work at decreasing time in a low key way. Mainly: no 2 holidays in a row.

But the main thing: is stop giving her ammo. She can not barb what she does not know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with “ why do you ask” is that I would respond with “ if I was just curious” or “ no reason I was just wondering” which kind of puts it back on you to actually answer. How long are you going for? I don’t think I could have stayed with my MIL with a newborn AND a toddler.

The response to, “just curious,” or, “oh I was just wondering,” is, “I see. I guess it isn’t that important. How about we all watch Frozen 2 after dinner?”

My MIL ruined many a holiday for me in the early years of marriage. I finally figured out how to ignore her while still remaining pleasant. I don’t think I had a meaningful conversation with her in 15+ years. Thankfully, she lived near enough that we never had to stay with her or have her stay with us so I really only dealt with her for the length of a meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore. Smile. Deflect. And each time she asks you a question, just give her tasks so she feels useful.

MIL : What kind of milk is in the bottle?
You: Oooh...I just realized...it would be great if you can read a book to Larlo (toddler) while I feed Larla (baby) so he is entertained. Thank you so much.

DONE.

MIL : Have you told your toxic estranged relative that you had a baby?
You : Oooh...I just realized...that the small table is not wiped and Larlo does not have a place to do his coloring. Can you please wipe it and give some crayons and paper to Larlo? Thank you so much, grandma!!

MIL : You never answer any of my questions?
You : (Look blankly at her)...Oh, I am so sorry. My brain seems to be fried since I have had kids. Was it the same for you?
MIL : Not at all. I got my license while I had two under two.
You : Wow! That's awesome.

MIL : Why is the house so messy?
You : Oh dear. We have no help and DH is slammed too. He will be so glad if you can vacuum the play area because it will be one less chore for him to handle.

MIL : You need to lose some weight. Its been 6 months since your kid was born and you have put on even more.
You : You are so right. I think I can try the gym if you can commit to look after the kids for two hours thrice a week. Will that be feasible? When are you free? I think I would want DH to join me too.

I can give you more examples too.

I laughed so hard at your dialogs, thank you for sharing, your phrasing is a hoot.

[Anonymous]

I like 'why do you ask' and then if she mentions anything about breast is best you could look at her directly and say 'are you trying to shame me for not being able to breastfeed' and then stare at her. However this could be seen as a little over the top.

You could deflect such as what a PP said like saying 'oh I just remembered can you read a book later'.

Stop giving this woman any personal information at all.

If she asks if you spoke to an estranged family member 'oh I can't remember'. Just be vague.

No more information. She is insensitive at best cruel at worst. Don't bother trying to work out which one, just limit the info to her and she won't know where to send her barbs.

Of course you could always send a few insults back her way. If she says 'oh you look tired'. Then later that day "oh I saw some great wrinkle cream for older ladies at the shops, I thought it might be great for you' or 'have you put on weight'. Of course this is my snarky response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the DH is caught in the middle between a possibly overreaching mother and the possibly "hurt" mother of his children. What a headache for him, poor guy!

OP, decide how you wish to proceed going forward and what's most important to you on the day to day life with your own nuclear family. And how you want your interactions with your psychologist MIL to be. You've gotten some good feedback here.

Yes poor guy. I wonder if his MIL started asking him about his erectile dysfunction, balding head, failed promotion at work or any other sensitive topics and asked about it over and over if maybe this poor poor guy would maybe just appreciate a little sensitivity thrown his way and not to be put on the spotlight and have to feel like he has to answer personal questions. But I guess he has to put up with it because his MIL is overreaching and he is just hurt and the wife would simply be the poor one in this scenario.

Op your husband isn't going to understand. Don't bring it up with him again. Believe it or not you don't need him to speak up for you. You are an adult. You can handle your MIL by yourself. If you don't want to answer any questions or talk about something you can simply say "I don't want to talk about it". If she insults you, you can stand up for yourself. I understand this isn't easy.

Just make sure you are calm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Why are you asking, Barbara? I confided with you how I felt about combo feeding with Jason. Surely a psychologist would know this is a sensitive subject, and would just be supportive of however I am feeding my baby."

Direct eye contact. I would use "surely a psychologist" with her a lot so that she knows you are on to her game.

"No, Barbara, I am still not in touch with my cousin. Surely a psychologist knows that estrangement is painful and wouldn't press such a sensitive topic. Why would you assume I would contact someone with whom I am estranged? I'm trying to get at your motivation here. Is it to hurt me?"

Why? Why these BS answers to her BS questions? You are getting entangled in her mind games and being antagonistic. No need for that. Are you ladies grown ups or not?

+ a million. This sounds so juvenile. Don’t take advice from someone so passive aggressive/toxic. Just be direct or use the “why do you ask?”

Let me guess, both of "you ladies" think it's totally appropriate to answer questions with banal "that doesn't work for us" statements, with no further comment or conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Why are you asking, Barbara? I confided with you how I felt about combo feeding with Jason. Surely a psychologist would know this is a sensitive subject, and would just be supportive of however I am feeding my baby."

Direct eye contact. I would use "surely a psychologist" with her a lot so that she knows you are on to her game.

"No, Barbara, I am still not in touch with my cousin. Surely a psychologist knows that estrangement is painful and wouldn't press such a sensitive topic. Why would you assume I would contact someone with whom I am estranged? I'm trying to get at your motivation here. Is it to hurt me?"

Why? Why these BS answers to her BS questions? You are getting entangled in her mind games and being antagonistic. No need for that. Are you ladies grown ups or not?

+ a million. This sounds so juvenile. Don’t take advice from someone so passive aggressive/toxic. Just be direct or use the “why do you ask?”

Let me guess, both of "you ladies" think it's totally appropriate to answer questions with banal "that doesn't work for us" statements, with no further comment or conversation.

NP
That makes it hard to argue with, doesn't it? How frustrating.