why am I so angry? Tell me I need to get over myself

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I'm surprised by how I feel. I've always been fairly laid back. This has been boiling up for a while, though. We used to live 14 hours aways from them when we lived in DC. Now we live 4 hours away. We're about 4 hours away in all directions from much our family now. My dad was very happy about the move.

If I think about what my expectations would be, they would fall along the lines of visits about 3-4 times a year. Maybe for significant events, a holiday or two or to see a kid in a play, for example. So far this year, we've seen them once. My MIL, who has 11 grandkids and lives the same distance away, has visited with us three times and we'll see her over the holidays too. No, it's not a contest but I can't help but see the difference.

My dad's parents did not go out of my way to see me either. My dad is acting exactly like them. It's a revelation to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved away from the DMV two years ago to be somewhat closer to family. We're now a 4 hour drive away. Not next door but not incredibly far.

My dad and his wife have no children. His wife has no nieces and nephews. I am an only and have their only grandchildren.

It's been an awkward time with COVID and everything. But, we're all vaccinated. My youngest will be fully vaccinated by Christmas. Still, we've hardly seen them. And, my dad is now retired.

He said that they will not be coming for Thanksgiving. Now, he tells me that he and his wife will stop by for 24 hours on the way back from her family after Christmas. We're basically on the way.

I'm hurt. They make no effort to see their grandkids. I'm angry. My dad and I have always had a good relationship. Now I feel like not talking to him at all.

I would be hurt and mad as well. Sorry OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm surprised by how I feel. I've always been fairly laid back. This has been boiling up for a while, though. We used to live 14 hours aways from them when we lived in DC. Now we live 4 hours away. We're about 4 hours away in all directions from much our family now. My dad was very happy about the move.

If I think about what my expectations would be, they would fall along the lines of visits about 3-4 times a year. Maybe for significant events, a holiday or two or to see a kid in a play, for example. So far this year, we've seen them once. My MIL, who has 11 grandkids and lives the same distance away, has visited with us three times and we'll see her over the holidays too. No, it's not a contest but I can't help but see the difference.

My dad's parents did not go out of my way to see me either. My dad is acting exactly like them. It's a revelation to me.

Sorry we had a similar dynamic. My MIL visited us regularly and still pays great attention to their lives even though one is an adult. My parents visited us once in >20 years and have always expected us to go to them, like they did with their parents. My parents show little interest except in big flashy milestone events and then not enough to visit.

I am trying to be the parent to my dc that I wish they had been to me. That is all we can do - try to break negative family cycles. We go to DC and spouse and will help with child care if they want it. If not, that will be fine as well. I let them know continually they are loved and valued.

I had tons of therapy to grieve not having the parents I needed.

Sorry OP, it is a big loss to come to terms with.

[Anonymous]

OP, why can’t you answer the question: Did they ask you to move closer, or did you just decide to move closer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why can’t you answer the question: Did they ask you to move closer, or did you just decide to move closer?

OP here. My dad has always wanted us to move closer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why can’t you answer the question: Did they ask you to move closer, or did you just decide to move closer?

OP here. My dad has always wanted us to move closer.

Obviously not… Maybe he was just telling you what you wanted to hear? Or he doesn’t consider 4 hrs away “close”.

[Anonymous]

So why won’t you just ask him to visit for longer when comes at Christmas? What’s stopping you from doing that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So why won’t you just ask him to visit for longer when comes at Christmas? What’s stopping you from doing that?

OP here. Because of his dogs. They don't have additional arrangements for the dogs and he has made it clear that additional arrangements aren't possible.

We also invited them as an alternative to join us for skiing at a different date when their dog sitter would also be free. But, no dice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why can’t you answer the question: Did they ask you to move closer, or did you just decide to move closer?

OP here. My dad has always wanted us to move closer.

Obviously not… Maybe he was just telling you what you wanted to hear? Or he doesn’t consider 4 hrs away “close”.

OP here. Yes, obviously not. That appears to be the correct answer.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he and his wife don't care for you or your family. It happens. Actually, I can see not wanting to visit my child when I'm older.

Anyway, is there any reason to think they don't like you guys much?

[Anonymous]

Op I think in the years you have been away they have built up traditions with other family. You are closer but you are not close and I don't think you need to get approval to move. You moved to an area you wanted to live and are closer to family so naturally thought you would see them more.

Without asking you can't really know. It sounds like your dad isn't willing to make an effort along with your step mother. This is disappointing and I can understand why you are hurt.

It would appear they are not willing to change their traditions but were willing to fit you in for a short visit after.

I guess it is up to you whether you accept the short visit later and celebrate with them then. Doing this now may open the door later to other holidays or it may not. I think you need to move forward lowering your expectations of them. They will not be involved as much as you were thinking. After all this time it may be better to accept the visit for the day on the way back and start rebuilding the relationship. This would give you time to assess the relationship and see what input you dad gives over the following year or two. It may be that he simply isn't interested.

Yes this is hurtful. Its ok to be hurt by this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many men take their wives’ lead in social matters. Your stepmother does not consider you and your family a priority and he doesn’t want to push back for the sake of marital harmony.

Yep this. She likely things you’re his kid and his grandkids, not hers too. This is why stepmoms suck

More like that’s why passive/disinterested dads suck. Nice try at misogyny, though. If someone told my dad that they’d only be seeing her kids and not his over the holidays, he would laugh in their face. My husband would do the same. My BIL would do the same. My brother would do the same.

You are so naive. This would change if any of them had second wives.
.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So why won’t you just ask him to visit for longer when comes at Christmas? What’s stopping you from doing that?

OP here. Because of his dogs. They don't have additional arrangements for the dogs and he has made it clear that additional arrangements aren't possible.

We also invited them as an alternative to join us for skiing at a different date when their dog sitter would also be free. But, no dice.

Duh! Nobody wants to leave their dogs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. We moved closer to my parents. There were a million boundaries which was fine with us. They basically just wanted to see grandkids without much babysitting and not have us interfere with their extensive social life and travel. Basically they were not a support, which is fine. However, fast forward to aging and for the past 8 years the boundaries have eroded and the entitlement and demands have gone up exponentially. After enough emergencies and scapegoating ever increasing demands on my time without respect for the fact I have a family of my own and job, we are considering moving elsewhere in the next few years. At this point I get tantrums if I say not something and after enough therapy I realize I given everything I can and I need some distance.

Sometimes family can suck. I am sorry OP and I am sorry to make it about me and to vent.

Why would they have to babysit?? That’s entitlement.
And did you not expect your parents to age and need help. That’s how the life cycle works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many men take their wives’ lead in social matters. Your stepmother does not consider you and your family a priority and he doesn’t want to push back for the sake of marital harmony.

Yep this. She likely things you’re his kid and his grandkids, not hers too. This is why stepmoms suck

Kick rocks not all stepmoms suck.