why am I so angry? Tell me I need to get over myself
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Anonymous
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We moved away from the DMV two years ago to be somewhat closer to family. We're now a 4 hour drive away. Not next door but not incredibly far.
My dad and his wife have no children. His wife has no nieces and nephews. I am an only and have their only grandchildren. It's been an awkward time with COVID and everything. But, we're all vaccinated. My youngest will be fully vaccinated by Christmas. Still, we've hardly seen them. And, my dad is now retired. He said that they will not be coming for Thanksgiving. Now, he tells me that he and his wife will stop by for 24 hours on the way back from her family after Christmas. We're basically on the way. I'm hurt. They make no effort to see their grandkids. I'm angry. My dad and I have always had a good relationship. Now I feel like not talking to him at all. |
Anonymous
| How close do you live to them? How often do you see them? Did you talk to them about this move to be closer before you did it? Seems like they’re not interested in being super involved grandparents, that’s their choice. I’d take that information and live wherever you would be happy and have support rather than close to them. |
Anonymous
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I’m not going to tell you to get over yourself, because I would be hurt too. Anger and hurt often go together - your anger is stemming from your sadness.
Do you make an effort to come to their house? A visit a day or two after Christmas isn’t unreasonable, they do have to balance other family members, but can you ask him to prioritize your house for Easter or another holiday in exchange? |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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I get it. We moved closer to my parents. There were a million boundaries which was fine with us. They basically just wanted to see grandkids without much babysitting and not have us interfere with their extensive social life and travel. Basically they were not a support, which is fine. However, fast forward to aging and for the past 8 years the boundaries have eroded and the entitlement and demands have gone up exponentially. After enough emergencies and scapegoating ever increasing demands on my time without respect for the fact I have a family of my own and job, we are considering moving elsewhere in the next few years. At this point I get tantrums if I say not something and after enough therapy I realize I given everything I can and I need some distance.
Sometimes family can suck. I am sorry OP and I am sorry to make it about me and to vent. |
Anonymous
PP here.. did you mean you’re a 4 hr drive from DC or a 4 hr drive from your dad? I wouldn’t consider 4 hours close enough for frequent visits. Maybe once every month or two. |
Anonymous
| Many men take their wives’ lead in social matters. Your stepmother does not consider you and your family a priority and he doesn’t want to push back for the sake of marital harmony. |
Anonymous
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Did your dad/stepmom ask you to move closer, or is that just a decision you made on your own?
I get why you feel that way, but if this was just a move you made on your own, well…nobody asked you to move, or made promises that you’d be seeing each other a lot when you moved. “It will be great to see you on the 28th! When will you have time for a longer visit? How about the weekend of January X?” |
Anonymous
I just posted, but to answer why are you angry?...Because you had expectations that weren't met. You have to now accept reality and figure out what you want for your own life. You also need to lower your expectations. I too have learned to face reality that nothing I do is enough and it will not be appreciated and decide how I want to move forward. |
Anonymous
Yep this. She likely things you’re his kid and his grandkids, not hers too. This is why stepmoms suck |
Anonymous
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OP—Talk to him! Say, “Hey dad, can we talk about your visit at Christmas. I’m really struggling with you saying you’re only coming for a day. It’s been hard with COVID and I really miss you. I’d love it if you could stay here a few more days. The kids miss their grandfather. And I miss you.”
It’s okay to take the risk and be vulnerable. It’s not easy, but it’s the path to hopefully getting what you want. |
Anonymous
More like that’s why passive/disinterested dads suck. Nice try at misogyny, though. If someone told my dad that they’d only be seeing her kids and not his over the holidays, he would laugh in their face. My husband would do the same. My BIL would do the same. My brother would do the same. |
Anonymous
| My MIL is dating a guy who has grandkids about 4 hours away. He doesn’t make much of an effort to see them, but it’s not because of my MIL, it’s because he doesn’t like his DIL and their house is filthy. He’s never told them this, and I’m sure they have no idea. Maybe there’s another reason they limit visits to your house? |
Anonymous
| I get why this hurts. I would try to accept that this is the plan for this year. Going forward, express to your dad how much you enjoy spending time with him and value his time with your kid. Invite your dad and SM for next year early. I think like the pp said, it is common for women to make plans and men to go along, if that's the way things are with your dad and SM you are going to need to be really active in your invitations. |
Anonymous
Eh, I think this is an older guy / older woman thing. Back in the dark ages the husband controlled everything but the social life, and the wife mostly controlled the social life. Older couples 65+ in my family have the same dynamic. It's very traditional. I'm sorry OP. I would decide where you want to live based on what you want to do, not where any relatives live. |