Is your spouse a foundational person in you life?

[Anonymous]

Yes, absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am not sure of the definition, but we met when I was 26 and my adult self was formed. My college boyfriend was my foundational relationship, but that clearly didn't last forever. He is the one with whom I formed an understanding of what I wanted out of life.

That said, my husband is very important to me as is the life we built/are making together.

Really? I met and married my husband in my mid-late 20s but I'd still say my adult self wasn't (and still isn't) fully formed. I'm still trying to be a better person. A lot of what I learned from my family has been added to, and has really evolved. My husband has definitely helped shape me. Some ways - I like. Otherways - I need to fight against. I'm certainly not thinking he is a 100% good influence on me. But he certainly is a mostly good influence on me. Our upbringings were similar in many ways (similar economic bracket, I think) but very different in other ways (society vs. non-society, region of the country, norms of society in those areas). So his perspective on things can be very different than mine.

I still find that I am growing and making decisions about who I want to be, and relooking at who I am as a person. So, yes, his influence (and my kids influence, TBH) has been foundational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I can’t see how they couldn’t be to be honest. Even a failed marriage is formative for most people

This, especially if you have kids together. Plus people changing and growing throughout their whole lives, but most people have a set personality very early in life. I recall that a study said that personality is set by age 6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. We both add so much to each other’s lives and couldn’t do it without the other.

There’s a weird notion going around that your partner shouldn’t be that important in your life, that you shouldn’t expect to meet each others’ needs. It’s so bizarre to me, I’ve always felt very strongly that marriage is about building a life together, sort of an “us vs the world” thing. I think that idea is mostly perpetuated by people who aren’t interested in being a present partner and want to continue living as if they were single.

+1 to the above, especially the "people who aren't interested in being a present partner and want to continue living as if they were single." People here will deny they feel that way, but there are so many posts on DCUM where that is clearly the subtext. The idea seems to be that marriages are nice. optional add-ons for fully formed, "I'll never alter my behaviors to accommodate anyone else" adults. Very little idea of caring enough about another person to want to know them at the deepest level. It's as if some posters want their marriages to be undemanding, surface companionship plus consistently excellent sex with a person whose body will never change Iand if the sex or the body changes, well, they're done), but the idea of sticking together through changes, setbacks, grief, etc. is lost entirely. And nope, not projecting; our 30-year marriage is indeed foundational though we got married in our late 20s. I just despair at some of the posts on this site and wonder why some people bother with the marriage contract and don't just live together or stay single and hook up with like-minded people.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My marriage with my XH was a foundational relationship. I had low self esteem as a child and teen that I brought with me to the marriage. XH monopolized on that trait. Over the course of our 15-year marriage, he would slam my professional accomplishments, call me fat and ugly, tell me I was a horrible mother. Like a frog in a boiling pot of water, it just became my normal. I genuinely thought I was ugly and worked tirelessly to please my bosses, kids, and other parents. Mostly because I thought the regular me was not good enough.

It has taken so much therapy after my divorce to see what had happened to me. Even now that I’m remarried, I still don’t always see it. My children still treat me poorly at times, and it really infuriates DH. He points out the behavior, and then will comment they watched this happen to me for so many years, it’s how they view me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. We both add so much to each other’s lives and couldn’t do it without the other.

There’s a weird notion going around that your partner shouldn’t be that important in your life, that you shouldn’t expect to meet each others’ needs. It’s so bizarre to me, I’ve always felt very strongly that marriage is about building a life together, sort of an “us vs the world” thing. I think that idea is mostly perpetuated by people who aren’t interested in being a present partner and want to continue living as if they were single.

+1 to the above, especially the "people who aren't interested in being a present partner and want to continue living as if they were single." People here will deny they feel that way, but there are so many posts on DCUM where that is clearly the subtext. The idea seems to be that marriages are nice. optional add-ons for fully formed, "I'll never alter my behaviors to accommodate anyone else" adults. Very little idea of caring enough about another person to want to know them at the deepest level. It's as if some posters want their marriages to be undemanding, surface companionship plus consistently excellent sex with a person whose body will never change Iand if the sex or the body changes, well, they're done), but the idea of sticking together through changes, setbacks, grief, etc. is lost entirely. And nope, not projecting; our 30-year marriage is indeed foundational though we got married in our late 20s. I just despair at some of the posts on this site and wonder why some people bother with the marriage contract and don't just live together or stay single and hook up with like-minded people.

Both PP Well said. These are also the people who thinks and advice divorce as the solution to every marital problem.

[Anonymous]

He’s basically my everything. Not in a codependent way; I could be functional without him and we manage our own internal issues. But he makes me want to be better, he would do anything for me, we can talk about anything, he respects me and my opinions and my need for autonomy and space, and when I’m having a rough time he is always there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I admit I have no idea what this means, but it was brought up in another thread.

No, he’s on the spectrum and no no no. He is not the foundation of anything for me or the kids nor is he capable.

This is not the marriage I signed up for and it is totally unlike my parents marriage or siblings’.

[Anonymous]

I guess so. I used to feel like we were peers. After 15 years, I feel like I am raising a teenage/college age son in addition to my two tween/teen daughters, and have been for years.

Essentially he has confirmed my belief that the apple doesn't fall that far from the tree. I think people are usually, despite varying intellect and effort, like their families. He is exactly like his siblings, who are not successful financially like he is, or as smart, so it was distracting at first. Emotionally, I am dealing with someone who is just walking arrested development with an outsize intellect/education that allows him to succeed professionally.

I am the adult/mom/future thinker/family and friends-oriented one. It is exhausting and causes him to think of me as a micromanager/critical/you know the drill.

I feel like I am on a never ending group project from hell with a partner that doesn't do their part, trying to get an A by doing all the work and managing their BS.

[Anonymous]

100%- he is my foundation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am not sure of the definition, but we met when I was 26 and my adult self was formed. My college boyfriend was my foundational relationship, but that clearly didn't last forever. He is the one with whom I formed an understanding of what I wanted out of life.

That said, my husband is very important to me as is the life we built/are making together.

Really? I met and married my husband in my mid-late 20s but I'd still say my adult self wasn't (and still isn't) fully formed. I'm still trying to be a better person. A lot of what I learned from my family has been added to, and has really evolved. My husband has definitely helped shape me. Some ways - I like. Otherways - I need to fight against. I'm certainly not thinking he is a 100% good influence on me. But he certainly is a mostly good influence on me. Our upbringings were similar in many ways (similar economic bracket, I think) but very different in other ways (society vs. non-society, region of the country, norms of society in those areas). So his perspective on things can be very different than mine.

I still find that I am growing and making decisions about who I want to be, and relooking at who I am as a person. So, yes, his influence (and my kids influence, TBH) has been foundational.

I agree with you PP. I’m 39 and still figuring out who I am. DH has been the most significant relationship I’ve ever had but it has it’s ups and downs for sure. And the relationship can only work if you have 2 individuals who are self-aware and take care of themselves.

[Anonymous]

Yes, been together over 20 years since our teen years. For better or for worse, he's the single most constant thing in my life. We grew up together.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what that means but she is my partner, my best friend for life. We met after high school more than 40 years ago and we've been together ever since. I feel lucky to have her.

[Anonymous]

100%. He's been in my life now longer than he was not in it. (We are 38 and 40 and have been together since I was 18.) Not to say I could not function without him, I could- but we grew up together.

[Anonymous]

The responses in here are nauseating.