For Women Who Are The Second Wife To A Widower I need Your Advice

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a widow and I think your approach and attitude are wonderful and will go a long way toward smoothing things over.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to suggest you all move into a new place once yiu marry, so you can get a fresh start on neutral ground, but it will depend on how kids are doing obviously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just caution you not to romanticize raising four children (your comment about a ready-made family being perfect for you at 41).

The teen years are hard under any circumstance. Add in a death of a parent and a new step-parent and it will be especially challenging.

I am not saying it cannot be done. Just fully understand what you are getting into. Maybe take some parenting classes.

It took a few posts, but we finally have the peanut gallery participation. You have no idea what OP's background is with children, suggesting that she take classes, and relying on the old teenagers are hard scare tactic is just projection and arrogance on your part. I think it's sweet she's excited to takin on the role of mom to 4 children and doesn't seem bothered by them acting like normal kids ( charming hooligans) . Her entire thread and her questions show that she's not romanticizing the situation, she even suggests a family question. So pipe down Miss Just You Wait.

but she’s right. OP has NO CLUE what it’s like to parent, what it’s like to parent with this guy, what it’s like to parent four kids, and what it’s like to parent 4 kids with trauma/grief histories. she’s never spent actual time with the kids. she’s either very foolish or has a savior complex.

the BF is a piece of work too for rushing to marry a woman with no clue of whether she will be a good stepmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just caution you not to romanticize raising four children (your comment about a ready-made family being perfect for you at 41).

The teen years are hard under any circumstance. Add in a death of a parent and a new step-parent and it will be especially challenging.

I am not saying it cannot be done. Just fully understand what you are getting into. Maybe take some parenting classes.

It took a few posts, but we finally have the peanut gallery participation. You have no idea what OP's background is with children, suggesting that she take classes, and relying on the old teenagers are hard scare tactic is just projection and arrogance on your part. I think it's sweet she's excited to takin on the role of mom to 4 children and doesn't seem bothered by them acting like normal kids ( charming hooligans) . Her entire thread and her questions show that she's not romanticizing the situation, she even suggests a family question. So pipe down Miss Just You Wait.

but she’s right. OP has NO CLUE what it’s like to parent, what it’s like to parent with this guy, what it’s like to parent four kids, and what it’s like to parent 4 kids with trauma/grief histories. she’s never spent actual time with the kids. she’s either very foolish or has a savior complex.

the BF is a piece of work too for rushing to marry a woman with no clue of whether she will be a good stepmother.

I happen to think both of you are being unfair and judgmental. I also suspect neither of you have any sort of experience in the subject at hand, but just think you know how life should be. Boyfriend's wife has been gone for 3 years, they have been dating for a year, the kids are just now slowly meeting OP, doesn't sound rushed and there's an opportunity for either to change their minds based on what is observed.

[Anonymous]

My aunt passed away when my cousins were ages 8-15. Their dad met his second wife about two years later and they married after another few years. I was very close with my cousins and we saw each other frequently, and met my uncle’s wife shortly after she met the kids (before they got engaged). She is very different from my aunt, but I don’t believe anyone in the extended family was upset about uncle moving on and we’ve always included their family in get together, even though it was my uncle by marriage. She moved into their childhood home and took my uncle’s last name. I do think she redecorated the bedroom and eventually a lot of the house, but kept up pictures of my aunt and never got rid of her things. She and my uncle kept them until the kids were adults and let the kids decide what they wanted to keep. She falls the kids her kids (as in she loves them like they are her own), but refers to herself as a bonus mom when others ask. The kids call her by her first name - one of them calls her a nickname they I think is a sweet alternative to mom. Wishing you all the best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My aunt passed away when my cousins were ages 8-15. Their dad met his second wife about two years later and they married after another few years. I was very close with my cousins and we saw each other frequently, and met my uncle’s wife shortly after she met the kids (before they got engaged). She is very different from my aunt, but I don’t believe anyone in the extended family was upset about uncle moving on and we’ve always included their family in get together, even though it was my uncle by marriage. She moved into their childhood home and took my uncle’s last name. I do think she redecorated the bedroom and eventually a lot of the house, but kept up pictures of my aunt and never got rid of her things. She and my uncle kept them until the kids were adults and let the kids decide what they wanted to keep. She falls the kids her kids (as in she loves them like they are her own), but refers to herself as a bonus mom when others ask. The kids call her by her first name - one of them calls her a nickname they I think is a sweet alternative to mom. Wishing you all the best!

OP here. Thank you so much for sharing this. it's very sweet and I can only hope that if we get to the point of marriage it goes this well. Trick or treating went well tonight. One day at a time.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I have no advice but I also want to chime in and say that you sound like a lovely person. I wish you the best of luck, and please update us when the relationship progresses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I have no advice but I also want to chime in and say that you sound like a lovely person. I wish you the best of luck, and please update us when the relationship progresses.

Everyone needs to stop encouraging OP’s savior complex here. This is NOT about OP doing some sort of good deed. It’s about whether she can actually be happy in this situation and whether she is equipped to give these kids a stable and healthy home. It’s no fairy tale …. because we all know how fairy tales about marrying widowers with kids end up, right? There’s a reason why the trope of the Evil Stepmother exists. It’s because it’s really f’in hard and complicated to marry a man with young kids after their mother dies. Especially if you also plan to have your own baby AMA with all the complications that entails.

Raising four young kids is no joke, and OP doesn’t even have any idea what it will be like - how much work, how much her life will change. She has spent zero time doing the actual labor of parenting, just the cute stuff like Halloween. She hasn’t had any discussion about how the work of dividing the household labor will go.

Marrying into this kind of situation without really understanding it is a recipe for disaster.

Oh, and OF COURSE the in-laws will be as sweet as pie to OP. That’s because they know OP is being drafted into doing the labor to care for the kids/house. They all want the dad to have “more help” and the kids to have a “new mom.”

Any woman who signs up for this enormous baggage laden role — after only a year of dating! — needs to reflect very seriously about why. Why are you attracted to a situation where your role will be so predicated on how much you will rescue/help/save the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just caution you not to romanticize raising four children (your comment about a ready-made family being perfect for you at 41).

The teen years are hard under any circumstance. Add in a death of a parent and a new step-parent and it will be especially challenging.

I am not saying it cannot be done. Just fully understand what you are getting into. Maybe take some parenting classes.

It took a few posts, but we finally have the peanut gallery participation. You have no idea what OP's background is with children, suggesting that she take classes, and relying on the old teenagers are hard scare tactic is just projection and arrogance on your part. I think it's sweet she's excited to takin on the role of mom to 4 children and doesn't seem bothered by them acting like normal kids ( charming hooligans) . Her entire thread and her questions show that she's not romanticizing the situation, she even suggests a family question. So pipe down Miss Just You Wait.

but she’s right. OP has NO CLUE what it’s like to parent, what it’s like to parent with this guy, what it’s like to parent four kids, and what it’s like to parent 4 kids with trauma/grief histories. she’s never spent actual time with the kids. she’s either very foolish or has a savior complex.

the BF is a piece of work too for rushing to marry a woman with no clue of whether she will be a good stepmother.

I happen to think both of you are being unfair and judgmental. I also suspect neither of you have any sort of experience in the subject at hand, but just think you know how life should be. Boyfriend's wife has been gone for 3 years, they have been dating for a year, the kids are just now slowly meeting OP, doesn't sound rushed and there's an opportunity for either to change their minds based on what is observed.

She is only just gradually meeting them and already imagining parenting them. All I said is don’t romanticize it, because she seemed enamored with the ready-made family bit and she is meeting them before they are teens. She doesn’t have experience with the day-to-day grind of parenting. This isn’t a knock — just a common-sense warning that it’s not going to be a Disney or Hallmark movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just caution you not to romanticize raising four children (your comment about a ready-made family being perfect for you at 41).

The teen years are hard under any circumstance. Add in a death of a parent and a new step-parent and it will be especially challenging.

I am not saying it cannot be done. Just fully understand what you are getting into. Maybe take some parenting classes.

It took a few posts, but we finally have the peanut gallery participation. You have no idea what OP's background is with children, suggesting that she take classes, and relying on the old teenagers are hard scare tactic is just projection and arrogance on your part. I think it's sweet she's excited to takin on the role of mom to 4 children and doesn't seem bothered by them acting like normal kids ( charming hooligans) . Her entire thread and her questions show that she's not romanticizing the situation, she even suggests a family question. So pipe down Miss Just You Wait.

but she’s right. OP has NO CLUE what it’s like to parent, what it’s like to parent with this guy, what it’s like to parent four kids, and what it’s like to parent 4 kids with trauma/grief histories. she’s never spent actual time with the kids. she’s either very foolish or has a savior complex.

the BF is a piece of work too for rushing to marry a woman with no clue of whether she will be a good stepmother.

I happen to think both of you are being unfair and judgmental. I also suspect neither of you have any sort of experience in the subject at hand, but just think you know how life should be. Boyfriend's wife has been gone for 3 years, they have been dating for a year, the kids are just now slowly meeting OP, doesn't sound rushed and there's an opportunity for either to change their minds based on what is observed.

OP is rushing. She is 41 and says she wants to try for a baby. Sounds like she believes this is the only way she can do it. What a disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just caution you not to romanticize raising four children (your comment about a ready-made family being perfect for you at 41).

The teen years are hard under any circumstance. Add in a death of a parent and a new step-parent and it will be especially challenging.

I am not saying it cannot be done. Just fully understand what you are getting into. Maybe take some parenting classes.

It took a few posts, but we finally have the peanut gallery participation. You have no idea what OP's background is with children, suggesting that she take classes, and relying on the old teenagers are hard scare tactic is just projection and arrogance on your part. I think it's sweet she's excited to takin on the role of mom to 4 children and doesn't seem bothered by them acting like normal kids ( charming hooligans) . Her entire thread and her questions show that she's not romanticizing the situation, she even suggests a family question. So pipe down Miss Just You Wait.

but she’s right. OP has NO CLUE what it’s like to parent, what it’s like to parent with this guy, what it’s like to parent four kids, and what it’s like to parent 4 kids with trauma/grief histories. she’s never spent actual time with the kids. she’s either very foolish or has a savior complex.

the BF is a piece of work too for rushing to marry a woman with no clue of whether she will be a good stepmother.

I happen to think both of you are being unfair and judgmental. I also suspect neither of you have any sort of experience in the subject at hand, but just think you know how life should be. Boyfriend's wife has been gone for 3 years, they have been dating for a year, the kids are just now slowly meeting OP, doesn't sound rushed and there's an opportunity for either to change their minds based on what is observed.

She is only just gradually meeting them and already imagining parenting them. All I said is don’t romanticize it, because she seemed enamored with the ready-made family bit and she is meeting them before they are teens. She doesn’t have experience with the day-to-day grind of parenting. This isn’t a knock — just a common-sense warning that it’s not going to be a Disney or Hallmark movie.

Oh, there is a Disney movie about this …