For Women Who Are The Second Wife To A Widower I need Your Advice

[Anonymous]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year. His wife died 3 years ago in childbirth with his youngest, he has 4 children ages 9,7, 4 and 3. We have discussed marriage, and I am now slowly meeting his children. I have met the children, we went apple picking last month, went out for pizza earlier this, month and plan to go trick or treating together tomorrow. At this point they do not know me as their father's girlfriend, I'm simply daddy's friend. I do not sleep over the house or anything like that when the children are home. In fact I have never slept over his house at all, he always comes to mine. They are charming little hooligans and Have enjoyed being around them. I have always wanted to be a mother and at 41 a ready-made family of 4 is perfect. He's also not opposed to another child, should I want to try to get pregnant.
I have met his siblings and his parents and I don't have any concerns there, which is a relief because we are a mixed-race couple and you honestly never know how accepting of that family will be. I have not met his children's maternal grandparents, and I honestly think I'm more nervous about that than when I met his parents.
I have also had other concerns recently pop into my head, such as changing my last name, I have never felt strongly about it either way, but being the second Mrs. Larla Larloson, when the first one passed so tragically just makes me feel so uncomfortable. There's also thought of moving into the house, which obviously will happen because it's absolutely insane to expect him and the children to move. But the idea of moving into the house as a wife is also unsettling. Maybe I would feel differently after staying over the house.


1, So here are some of my questions: How did you navigate getting to know the children. I am most concerned about the older ones, as they will have the most memories of their mom, and though I was much older when my father passed, I remember how upset I felt when my mom started dating. I don't want them to feel like I'm trying to take their dad away, or make them forget their mom etc.
How did you bond, how did you work out your role as a parent? Did you have more children? Were all the siblings close? Would it be out of line to suggest a few sessions of family counseling together?


2. If you are a mixed-race couple, meaning you are a different race from your husband and your stepchildren did particular concerns arise? I'm envisioning problems at school pickups and questions from nosy people.


3. Did you meet the first wife's family? How is your relationship? I imagine it might be incredibly difficult, essentially managing 2 MILS and one who might resent you.

4. When did you start sleeping over his house? Did you feel like you were in another woman's home, does the home ever feel like yours? I imagine there will always be touches of her around the home ohotos etc. which is fine I wouldn't want my boyfriend or the children to ever feel like they had to hide her.

I guess what I'm asking for is what do you wish someone had told you? What would you do the same or differently?

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to him, not us. Keep your name. Don’t move in till marriage.

[Anonymous]

I have no good advice, OP, but wanted to say that you sound like a truly wonderful person, and I wish you and the family all the luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no good advice, OP, but wanted to say that you sound like a truly wonderful person, and I wish you and the family all the luck.

+1 I'm sorry that I don't have anything to share, but I wanted to send you encouraging thoughts and tell you how great you are for being so thoughtful about everything.

[Anonymous]

Can I answer this? Both of my parents' mothers died, and both of their fathers remarried. I have heard a lot about how things went. My mom was 8 when her dad remarried, and my dad was 23 (I think?) when his dad remarried.

1, So here are some of my questions: How did you navigate getting to know the children. I am most concerned about the older ones, as they will have the most memories of their mom, and though I was much older when my father passed, I remember how upset I felt when my mom started dating. I don't want them to feel like I'm trying to take their dad away, or make them forget their mom etc.
How did you bond, how did you work out your role as a parent? Did you have more children? Were all the siblings close? Would it be out of line to suggest a few sessions of family counseling together?

Answer: Do not try to be their new mom. Let them call you by your first name. When introducing yourself to people in front of the kids, say "I'm Joe's wife" rather than "I'm Joey's stepmom." Do NOT make them put away pictures of their mom, even if it feels awkward to you. The master bedroom is yours so feel free to redecorate that room (new bedding, new towels, new furniture) but offer the kids their mom's pillowcase or a special washcloth she used with them or something. Neither of my grandparents had more children (my mother's stepmother - my grandma - wasn't able to although they tried). Walking in and suggesting counseling implies a problem - I wouldn't suggest that unless it's necessary.


2. If you are a mixed-race couple, meaning you are a different race from your husband and your stepchildren did particular concerns arise? I'm envisioning problems at school pickups and questions from nosy people. N/A


3. Did you meet the first wife's family? How is your relationship? I imagine it might be incredibly difficult, essentially managing 2 MILS and one who might resent you.

Answer: My grandfather's second wife ran in similar circles and they had a lot of overlapping friends, so my grandfather could basically say to family "Carol, you know - the one friends with Tora?" In a healthy family, everyone wants the widowed parent to be happy, even if that's with a new woman.

4. When did you start sleeping over his house? Did you feel like you were in another woman's home, does the home ever feel like yours? I imagine there will always be touches of her around the home ohotos etc. which is fine I wouldn't want my boyfriend or the children to ever feel like they had to hide her.

Answer: For my mother's stepmother, not until they got married. And then, according to my mother, she came in and either threw out or put away all pictures of my mother's mother, and it was a big upset to her (she was 8 yrs old). So if this is true, it sounds like my mother's stepmother was a bit insecure. They moved to a different part of NYC when the marriage happened. So I'm sure that included new stuff. For my father's stepmother, apparently she had a friend who became a stepmother and and basically did everything wrong, so my father's stepmother was very careful about what she said and did and didn't make the same mistakes. But of the five "children" all five were early to late 20's and four were already out of the house, so no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I answer this? Both of my parents' mothers died, and both of their fathers remarried. I have heard a lot about how things went. My mom was 8 when her dad remarried, and my dad was 23 (I think?) when his dad remarried.

1, So here are some of my questions: How did you navigate getting to know the children. I am most concerned about the older ones, as they will have the most memories of their mom, and though I was much older when my father passed, I remember how upset I felt when my mom started dating. I don't want them to feel like I'm trying to take their dad away, or make them forget their mom etc.
How did you bond, how did you work out your role as a parent? Did you have more children? Were all the siblings close? Would it be out of line to suggest a few sessions of family counseling together?

Answer: Do not try to be their new mom. Let them call you by your first name. When introducing yourself to people in front of the kids, say "I'm Joe's wife" rather than "I'm Joey's stepmom." Do NOT make them put away pictures of their mom, even if it feels awkward to you. The master bedroom is yours so feel free to redecorate that room (new bedding, new towels, new furniture) but offer the kids their mom's pillowcase or a special washcloth she used with them or something. Neither of my grandparents had more children (my mother's stepmother - my grandma - wasn't able to although they tried). Walking in and suggesting counseling implies a problem - I wouldn't suggest that unless it's necessary.


2. If you are a mixed-race couple, meaning you are a different race from your husband and your stepchildren did particular concerns arise? I'm envisioning problems at school pickups and questions from nosy people. N/A


3. Did you meet the first wife's family? How is your relationship? I imagine it might be incredibly difficult, essentially managing 2 MILS and one who might resent you.

Answer: My grandfather's second wife ran in similar circles and they had a lot of overlapping friends, so my grandfather could basically say to family "Carol, you know - the one friends with Tora?" In a healthy family, everyone wants the widowed parent to be happy, even if that's with a new woman.

4. When did you start sleeping over his house? Did you feel like you were in another woman's home, does the home ever feel like yours? I imagine there will always be touches of her around the home ohotos etc. which is fine I wouldn't want my boyfriend or the children to ever feel like they had to hide her.

Answer: For my mother's stepmother, not until they got married. And then, according to my mother, she came in and either threw out or put away all pictures of my mother's mother, and it was a big upset to her (she was 8 yrs old). So if this is true, it sounds like my mother's stepmother was a bit insecure. They moved to a different part of NYC when the marriage happened. So I'm sure that included new stuff. For my father's stepmother, apparently she had a friend who became a stepmother and and basically did everything wrong, so my father's stepmother was very careful about what she said and did and didn't make the same mistakes. But of the five "children" all five were early to late 20's and four were already out of the house, so no big deal.

OP here: Of course you can answer I welcome a variety of perspectives.I feel so sad for your parents losing their mothers at a young age and being treated unkindly by their stepmothers. I don't want them to forget their mother, and I would never intentionally throw out her belongings. I wouldn't get rid of photos either I don't think I'd be okay with her photos in the bedroom, but other than that I suspect it would be the same as keeping other family photos around the house. As far as decorating a house I don't even know, because as much as I'd want my style I imagine changing things even in the living room or kitchen could e difficult or traumatic. I'm totally comfortable with the kids calling me whatever they wish to call me.
As for counseling I don't personally view it as something you only do when there is a problem, but a tool you can use to help avoid bigger problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no good advice, OP, but wanted to say that you sound like a truly wonderful person, and I wish you and the family all the luck.

+1 I'm sorry that I don't have anything to share, but I wanted to send you encouraging thoughts and tell you how great you are for being so thoughtful about everything.

OP : Thank you both for your kind words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to him, not us. Keep your name. Don’t move in till marriage.

OP: we have talked, and will continue to talk, but it's just different getting advice from someone who has been in your shoes before

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a blog called DC Widow. The mom of three lost her DH about three years ago and just remarried. New guy moved into her house. She talks a bit about how she and new guy have navigated talking about first DH, what to do with pictures (many still up), how they recognize bdays and anniversaries related to first DH, and how new guy has talked about these things with the kids and built their relationship. New guy has also done a couple posts on the blog. Reading it might provide some really good perspective and suggest useful approaches/ideas, even if it does not address your specific questions. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would just caution you not to romanticize raising four children (your comment about a ready-made family being perfect for you at 41).

The teen years are hard under any circumstance. Add in a death of a parent and a new step-parent and it will be especially challenging.

I am not saying it cannot be done. Just fully understand what you are getting into. Maybe take some parenting classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just caution you not to romanticize raising four children (your comment about a ready-made family being perfect for you at 41).

The teen years are hard under any circumstance. Add in a death of a parent and a new step-parent and it will be especially challenging.

I am not saying it cannot be done. Just fully understand what you are getting into. Maybe take some parenting classes.

It took a few posts, but we finally have the peanut gallery participation. You have no idea what OP's background is with children, suggesting that she take classes, and relying on the old teenagers are hard scare tactic is just projection and arrogance on your part. I think it's sweet she's excited to takin on the role of mom to 4 children and doesn't seem bothered by them acting like normal kids ( charming hooligans) . Her entire thread and her questions show that she's not romanticizing the situation, she even suggests a family question. So pipe down Miss Just You Wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a blog called DC Widow. The mom of three lost her DH about three years ago and just remarried. New guy moved into her house. She talks a bit about how she and new guy have navigated talking about first DH, what to do with pictures (many still up), how they recognize bdays and anniversaries related to first DH, and how new guy has talked about these things with the kids and built their relationship. New guy has also done a couple posts on the blog. Reading it might provide some really good perspective and suggest useful approaches/ideas, even if it does not address your specific questions. Good luck!

I second this, there's also a Youtube channel called Dating a Widower. I don't agree with all his advice, namely for things like decorating the new home and dealing with kids, but for expectations of what you can expect and should expect from your boyfriend it's really spot on and gives good insight, you may find that helpful in bringing up topics to your boyfriend and determining the honesty of his answers. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Bit of an overreaction there, PP.

Best wishes to OP and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just caution you not to romanticize raising four children (your comment about a ready-made family being perfect for you at 41).

The teen years are hard under any circumstance. Add in a death of a parent and a new step-parent and it will be especially challenging.

I am not saying it cannot be done. Just fully understand what you are getting into. Maybe take some parenting classes.

OP here. I don't think it will be easy or sunshine and happiness. That said, I think it's a positive that I want to be in their lives, as opposed to being ambiguous about it or not like children at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a blog called DC Widow. The mom of three lost her DH about three years ago and just remarried. New guy moved into her house. She talks a bit about how she and new guy have navigated talking about first DH, what to do with pictures (many still up), how they recognize bdays and anniversaries related to first DH, and how new guy has talked about these things with the kids and built their relationship. New guy has also done a couple posts on the blog. Reading it might provide some really good perspective and suggest useful approaches/ideas, even if it does not address your specific questions. Good luck!

I second this, there's also a Youtube channel called Dating a Widower. I don't agree with all his advice, namely for things like decorating the new home and dealing with kids, but for expectations of what you can expect and should expect from your boyfriend it's really spot on and gives good insight, you may find that helpful in bringing up topics to your boyfriend and determining the honesty of his answers. Good luck to you!

OP again. Thank you both for these suggestons. I will take a look at both.