Silently resentful of my sisters for marrying well

[Anonymous]

Your own story proves that sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down. Don’t assume the way things are. Is will be forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do they have a different father?
I am confused. You said, my mom and sister's father divorced, and he made more money.
So who is your father?

Sorry, yes it’s confusing. My sisters were born in the 70s to my mom and different father, a lawyer. He and my mom divorced in the early 80s when my sisters were young children. My mom married my father in the 80s. At the time, when my sisters were in high school, my parents were broke PhD students. My sisters father went on to make more money throughout the 90s-00s in Big Law. By the late 90s/early 00s, my parents started to make more money as well, after my sisters had gone off to college and beyond, hence the “spoiled childhood.” They did pay for my sisters’ weddings though.

My sisters married in their early 20s, by virtue of meeting the right person. I haven’t met the right person yet. I’m also a little socially awkward compared to them - they were always more laid back, agreeable whereas I’ve always been nerdy and intense. I don’t resent them for marrying early and finding kind and successful husbands, I guess I most resent that they’ve never had to WORK HARD for a living and they’re wealthy, yet still kind of see me as the spoiled little sister. Neither of my sisters has ever had to support themselves on a 9 to 5.

[Anonymous]

My sisters married well...one to a complete dork, who has only become dorkier as the years go on, and one to a control freak.

I'd rather live my own life rather than be tied to a dork who thinks the "Life is Good" shirts are so cool and provide a good message to the kids, or two a man who ensures I go for a five mile run or bike ride every morning. No excuses, only way to start the day.

Sure they will die with larger bank accounts, but I will die having lived my best life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do they have a different father?
I am confused. You said, my mom and sister's father divorced, and he made more money.
So who is your father?

Sorry, yes it’s confusing. My sisters were born in the 70s to my mom and different father, a lawyer. He and my mom divorced in the early 80s when my sisters were young children. My mom married my father in the 80s. At the time, when my sisters were in high school, my parents were broke PhD students. My sisters father went on to make more money throughout the 90s-00s in Big Law. By the late 90s/early 00s, my parents started to make more money as well, after my sisters had gone off to college and beyond, hence the “spoiled childhood.” They did pay for my sisters’ weddings though.

My sisters married in their early 20s, by virtue of meeting the right person. I haven’t met the right person yet. I’m also a little socially awkward compared to them - they were always more laid back, agreeable whereas I’ve always been nerdy and intense. I don’t resent them for marrying early and finding kind and successful husbands, I guess I most resent that they’ve never had to WORK HARD for a living and they’re wealthy, yet still kind of see me as the spoiled little sister. Neither of my sisters has ever had to support themselves on a 9 to 5.

You do sound spoiled. And I love the way you gloss over their more stressful childhoods and early loss of a parent as though they are afterthoughts.

[Anonymous]

I find this confusing. You have student loans and they don’t, but they teased you for being on a family cell phone in college? Who paid for their college? Did they take out loans? If not, why are they teasing you for having a family loan cell phone?

Also, they are older than you. I am forty five and am now in a way better financial position that I was at thirty!

Plus, sounds like you make more of your own money that they do.

You are only thirty. If you want to marry someone who is well off, do online dating, date a lot, and only date men who are well off.

[Anonymous]

*to a man

[Anonymous]

Well, their dad died, so I wouldn’t say it’s all been ducks and rainbows for them. I mean, he was nothing to you, but it was till their dad.

Maybe stop competing with them. It doesn’t sound that your life has been that much of a challenge, so maybe appreciate that privilege in itself.

They haven’t had to work, much of their money comes from their dead father, but it’s not exactly like you’ve risen from being homeless now, is it?

[Anonymous]

Would you want to be in your sister's shoes if it meant that your dad had to die?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If half-sisters were latchkey kids, it means that OP’s mom had to work and no one was home to support the sisters like OP was supported. Mother remarried and OP was born into a more stable household. That can make a huge difference in how well the sisters did academically and professionally. Count your blessings, OP.

Fair point, I guess I didn’t really think of it like that. I’d always say we were varying degrees of middle class. Generally it was a matter of people earning more later in life. My sisters father and my mother were probably LMC working parents in the 70s-80s. As was my father when he first met my mother. My sisters’ childhood in the 80s and early 90s was probably harder, certainly financially.

It’s easy I guess to fixate on the current situation, which is me scraping by to own a small condo and pay student loans while my sisters got free mansions. I do have some pride in probably having the highest earning power at my age and best career. And it’s not over, who knows who I’ll meet or what I’ll earn down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, their dad died, so I wouldn’t say it’s all been ducks and rainbows for them. I mean, he was nothing to you, but it was till their dad.

Maybe stop competing with them. It doesn’t sound that your life has been that much of a challenge, so maybe appreciate that privilege in itself.

They haven’t had to work, much of their money comes from their dead father, but it’s not exactly like you’ve risen from being homeless now, is it?

I was a latchkey kid (with a deadbeat father who died and didn’t leave me any money) and I think you’re sisters sound fine, op. People who have a stressful childhoods sometimes prioritize finding stability in a way you wouldn’t understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, their dad died, so I wouldn’t say it’s all been ducks and rainbows for them. I mean, he was nothing to you, but it was till their dad.

Maybe stop competing with them. It doesn’t sound that your life has been that much of a challenge, so maybe appreciate that privilege in itself.

They haven’t had to work, much of their money comes from their dead father, but it’s not exactly like you’ve risen from being homeless now, is it?

My dad has also passed away - his assets however are joint with my mother’s. Also, my sister’s dad bought her the house when he was still alive and working for Big Law. He left them even more when he died. Of course it feels gross to look at things this way, death should never be thought of in terms of who gets more. It was hard for all of us. Either way, combination of rich parent + husband got them a standard of living they didn’t personally earn.

To the other PP, yes, I’m privileged (not quite DCUM privilege!) in the grand scheme of things, all of us were and are. Life is generally pretty good. Maybe ultimately I wish I could get more recognition and respect among the family for being a hard worker and supporting myself, and not be teased ten years later about how I was kept on my mom’s cell phone plan in school. Again, it’s not something that comes out all the time, but my sisters still kind of regard me as spoiled and helpless (“helpless” because growing up I did lack the street smarts and life skills of Gen X latchkey kids)

[Anonymous]

I think this is the crux of the issue:

“I guess I most resent that they’ve never had to WORK HARD for a living and they’re wealthy, yet still kind of see me as the spoiled little sister. Neither of my sisters has ever had to support themselves on a 9 to 5.”

They shouldn’t be teasing you and putting you down for having a normal, middle class childhood. If they are still doing that, it’s not ok. My sisters still treat me as other than as they best of three, and put me down, and boss me around and act as if I should have no say. It is not ok. We are all adults now.

[Anonymous]

You are young … you aren’t permanently in budget moment necessarily … I love that I built myself, went to grad school, bought my first two places before I met my wealthy husband …. My perspective is helpful to my children and honestly I still work because I really enjoy it …. You are going to have so many different life experiences ahead of you …. Including making tons of money, marrying well or …. Joining the peace corps and moving to Asia ….. they don’t have that freedom! The world is your oyster still!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, their dad died, so I wouldn’t say it’s all been ducks and rainbows for them. I mean, he was nothing to you, but it was till their dad.

Maybe stop competing with them. It doesn’t sound that your life has been that much of a challenge, so maybe appreciate that privilege in itself.

They haven’t had to work, much of their money comes from their dead father, but it’s not exactly like you’ve risen from being homeless now, is it?

My dad has also passed away - his assets however are joint with my mother’s. Also, my sister’s dad bought her the house when he was still alive and working for Big Law. He left them even more when he died. Of course it feels gross to look at things this way, death should never be thought of in terms of who gets more. It was hard for all of us. Either way, combination of rich parent + husband got them a standard of living they didn’t personally earn.

To the other PP, yes, I’m privileged (not quite DCUM privilege!) in the grand scheme of things, all of us were and are. Life is generally pretty good. Maybe ultimately I wish I could get more recognition and respect among the family for being a hard worker and supporting myself, and not be teased ten years later about how I was kept on my mom’s cell phone plan in school. Again, it’s not something that comes out all the time, but my sisters still kind of regard me as spoiled and helpless (“helpless” because growing up I did lack the street smarts and life skills of Gen X latchkey kids)

You act like they don't do anything. Even if they aren't "high earners" I am sure they have responsibilities - kids, the house, etc. You sound petty. You didn't exactly "earn" your stable childhood, did you? It was luck.

[Anonymous]

(OP again) So there’s one other dynamic here that I’m thinking of - and that’s the way we were raised. My mother raised my sisters with a lot more social freedom growing up and less academic pressure. My parents in the 90s became academics (they had just gotten PhDs) and pressured me to do well in school. I don’t regret that at all - but I was raised to believe that kids who got straight As would become more successful than kids who didn’t care and got C’s. But my sisters did the opposite - they prioritized relationships and having fun. I prioritized school, brand name universities, and getting a DC job. I’ve accomplished more, professionally (being a mother IS an accomplishment, to their credit) and had more unconventional experiences, but a lower standard of living to show for my hard work.