Advice on working for female boss with no kids ...

[Anonymous]

I'm returning to work for a government agency after a maternity leave to have Child No. 2. My boss is an older woman, who is married but has no kids. On top of the fact that she is a bit of a micromanager in a litigation practice, I find that she is simply not as clued into the demands and responsibilities of being a mother (i.e., like she was surprised that I was getting up 1-2 times a night 2 months after the baby was born). Any tips on how to have a smooth working relationship with her? I generally try to avoid talking about my kids around her, but I will need to pump and be able to control my schedule a little more when I return to work ...

[Anonymous]

Good luck
Rumor has it, women bosses are the meanest.
I know a secretary who once looked forward to working for a woman. After several years descided that never again.
Men bosses are far more flexible and understanding if you cannot be there or have a sudden emergency.

[Anonymous]

Find out from your agency's HR what to do if she starts being unreasonable, and also find out your rights (e.g. having a non-bathroom room to pump in.) It seems it'd help knowing your rights in advance so that way if she steps over the acceptable line, you can fight back.

If you get 2 hours of sleep over the night, just call in sick -- then sleep in and telework in the afternoon if that is permitted. (I mean, you are not feeling well, you just don't need to say why you're not feeling well. It's none of their business, and your boss being a Fed should know better.)

Don't say "I didn't get any sleep over the night because my DC got up," and in general try and avoid using your kid as a reason for being out of the office -- even if it is the case. (Of course, don't tell 100% lies.)

As for her being a micromanager, that's just the breaks. Work with it as well as you can and if you find it intolerable, request a reassignment whenever it's appropriate for your agency.

GL

[Anonymous]

I hate to be the Debbie Downer, but I suggest being realistic and objective about what should happen.

For example, you have every right to expect your employer to accomodate your need to pump. It is a legal right. However, you are not entitled to special flexibilities just because you have children. It would be nice to have them, and a good emplyoer should probably be flexible, but it isn't a right. So just make sure that you are requesting, rather than demanding.

And I agree with the previosu posters that you should use any leave or adjustable schedule you have and NOT tie it to your children uness there is a special reason to do so.

[Anonymous]

I worked for a male boss w/o kids and while he knew I was nursing, I did not exactly want to talk to him about pumping. I just said that I would need to have times during the day when I would continue working but would not be available for meetings, and proposed a schedule and asked if that worked for him, promising to be flexible if needed. He agreed and it sort of worked. I would just ask for what you need, ask if it is okay, and be flexible. Good luck! Btw 8:41, your comments make me sad. I really hate to hear women saying things like that about other women. Such generalizations hold us all back. Your story amounts to ONE bad woman boss - not a basis for saying that all women bosses suck.

[Anonymous]

I have an older married boss with no kids (at a small nonprofit), so there is no HR department. I started when my kid was 1 and change. My biggest concern was hours. After I had the offer, I asked about expectations/hours per week. In the course of the conversation I also mentioned my kid. After I started, I mentioned the need to leave at 5pm to pick him up from daycare. At first it was hard for her not to expect me to stay late on a regular basis, because that is what she does.

But over the past year she's gotten used to it. Of course, if there is truly an emergency/deadline, I've gotten my work done, stayed late, or worked on a weekend (that only once).

She's one of my better bosses over all.

At my previous job when I was pumping, I talked to HR about that. And they were very supportive.

[Anonymous]

Before I had my daughter, I supervised a large group and I will admit that I was a royal PITA to those who had children and continually called in sick, had to leave early for appointments, had to stay home with sick kids, etc. I just didn't understand how people couldn't manage both aspects of their lives.

Now that I have a child of my own I'm *much* more forgiving. It's like night and day.

OP you asked how to get along with your boss. I'd suggest you limit your child talk around her and try to keep it business as usual. If you have to take the kid to some appointment, don't say it's for your kid. If you need to leave early because your kid is sick, don't say it's about the kid.

Flame away DCUM, but I'm just sharing from my own personal perspective. You can say people should be sympathetic but in reality, many are not. I know, because right or wrong, I was one of those unsympathetic assholes before I had a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Flame away DCUM, but I'm just sharing from my own personal perspective. You can say people should be sympathetic but in reality, many are not. I know, because right or wrong, I was one of those unsympathetic assholes before I had a kid.

Debbie Downer again. Here is my thing, a manager who does not make special concessions for someone because they chose to have children is not an "unsympathetic asshole." They are a fair manager. I think it is totally OK to do what you have to do as a parent and try to balance work/home. That means taking sick leave, and occassionally showing up late or leaving early. I do it all the time. When it affects my work or when I am unavailable when somebody needs me, I am called out by my boss. And I should be.

Would it be nice to have the perks of flexibility? Absolutelty, and a particulalry good manager should consider giving it to a proven employee. But it would be nice for a single woman with a second job, an ill parent, who is in school etc to also have that flexibility.

[Anonymous]

It sucks OP. Give it some time, maybe she will surprise you.

I've been super lucky to have awesome bosses since having kids. The first was a man - a working dad married to a breadwinner mom, and he totally got it. My current boss is a woman whose kids are grown and she has a grandchild of her own, but she worked while they were young and she too gets it. They understand about unexpected absences, having to leave at 5:30 on the dot, etc.

That said, my husband has a very flexible job and we have family nearby so I really am able to keep absences to a minimum as either my husband or parents can do sick days/dr. appointments, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked for a male boss w/o kids and while he knew I was nursing, I did not exactly want to talk to him about pumping. I just said that I would need to have times during the day when I would continue working but would not be available for meetings, and proposed a schedule and asked if that worked for him, promising to be flexible if needed. He agreed and it sort of worked. I would just ask for what you need, ask if it is okay, and be flexible. Good luck! Btw 8:41, your comments make me sad. I really hate to hear women saying things like that about other women. Such generalizations hold us all back. Your story amounts to ONE bad woman boss - not a basis for saying that all women bosses suck.

This is right on the money. And 8:41's comments made me sad too. I have an awesome female boss and endeavor to be one as well.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully she'll surprise you. But here are my tips:

--Do NOT complain about getting up at night, your kid being sick, you being tired, etc.--even if she brings it up
--Educate yourself about your rights if she tries to deny them
--As far as pumping and taking off time for appts, sick time, whatever--I would just make basic requests without sharing too much info. Your leave is your leave and though of course you need her approval as a supervisor, don't overshare on the justifications. Keep it super professional.

GL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Debbie Downer again. Here is my thing, a manager who does not make special concessions for someone because they chose to have children is not an "unsympathetic asshole." They are a fair manager.

The workforce is made up people with families. You are not a fair manager, you are a manager who does not know about managing people. Men make better managers. That is that.

[Anonymous]

What you're doing here is changing your boss' pespective as to your work schedule. This change could be due to your illness, family members, new baby -- whatever. You have different expectations for yourself now, and you're trying to get your boss to accept the new expectations. I left my old agency, along with several other female and male colleagues, all after we had babies, because our management would not accept the changes. It's been much easier at my new agency b/c I came in the door telling everyone what my schedule would be (I leave promptly, I'll get in earlier but I don't work late) and all the rest -- I come in late if I decide that's best, whatever. Change is hard, knowing the boundaries from the start is easier.

I disagree about not telling your boss about your baby or the reaons why you're coming in late, etc. The baby is why you want these changed expectations. Shouldn't matter why you take sick leave -- but we know it does. And we know there's a big difference b/w slacking off ("I got drunk last night and need to sleep it off") vs. family responsibilities ("my kid woke up w/ a rash"). Your new schedule is reasonable, legal and very important. To ignore your motivation is to ignore your personal life.

I wouldn't read too much in your boss' gender or child status. It's all about empathy and keeping you (employee) happy and working at your highest level, and that means it's about management. A lousy manager penalizes you if you come in late, a good one lets you make up the time by staying later that day, a great one lets you decide how to make up the time.

And since this post is so very long: you know right now how your boss is going to be about these changed expectations: you see it around you. I had a boss who didn't understand anything about work/life balance: placed unrealstic demands, wanted everyone to work late, stayed until 7 PM most nights, ate lunch at her desk, completely devoted herself to her career. I'm sad that she has breast cancer, and sadder still that her reaction was to quit rather than find a way to make a schedule work for herself to accomodate her changed needs re work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Debbie Downer again. Here is my thing, a manager who does not make special concessions for someone because they chose to have children is not an "unsympathetic asshole." They are a fair manager.

The workforce is made up people with families. You are not a fair manager, you are a manager who does not know about managing people. Men make better managers. That is that.

If the workforce is made up of people with families, than all employees could be treated with the same level of flexibility and it would work out fine. That is what I am advocating. I am saying that it is a good management practice to be flexibile. It is a good management practice to be flexible with ALL of your employees, regardless of family status.

(And I don't even know where the "men are better managers" thing even relates at all to what I was saying.)

[Anonymous]

I was once a "female boss with no kids" - I just didn't understand, because I had no context for understanding. I had never been around small children and had no clue about babies. I had one employee with a small child, and she came to talk to me about some of the issues she was having with her child.

I think, depending on your relationship with your boss, if you bring up what is going on at home - she maybe flexible.

Take it as it comes, not all female bosses are hard asses just because they don't have kids (maybe they are trying and just haven't had kids yet - maybe they will be very understanding).