Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to reach 90 pages of comments to chime in here, but the comment is hurtful because it has a certain grain of truth in it.

We were lucky enough to have a nanny and WFH the first year of DC's life and then I stayed home until DC started daycare at 2. At that time, she was ready and chomping at bit for more social interaction.

Now, at 3, she absolutely loses her mind and bounces off the wall on days when she doesn't have the stimulation of school. But at the same time, she can (and HAS) verbalized to us that she misses us because she doesn't get to see us very much during the week. And this is with 2 WFH parents.

It sucks, and feels like you can't win, but we plug forward anyway.

If you would have read 90 pages nobody thinks there is a “grain of truth” except some extremely insecure SAHMs.

Why would the statement be offensive if there was zero truth to it? Do you get offended if someone says the earth is flat?

For the same reason all bigoted statements are?

Now it’s bigoted? Just tell us you’re insecure about your choices, it would be more honest and it would lead to a much better discussion.

The reason “the earth is flat” isn’t offensive and “women aren’t suited for leadership roles” is isn’t because the latter is true, it’s because the latter is bigoted. So is the idea that WOHP aren’t raising their children. Keep up.

Maybe, just maybe the person who (hypothetically) made the comment had the type of work that was in person only. So, for her, in her particular case, not staying home would have meant spending a significant time away from her child, not raising it. And she didn’t want to do that. But, instead, you’ve decided that it’s a personal indictment of you and every other working mother. Just own up to your own insecurities. It’s blatantly obvious.

Parent, actually.

Are you a man all hot under the collar about all this?

No, I’m correcting because the statement isn’t an indictment of working mothers, it’s an indictment of working parents. By the logic of the statement a father who works full time isn’t raising his children either

Zero men would give a damn about any of this. This is all women up in their feelings about it. Most dads would laugh and move on.

Most men I know with kids (my husband included) would be pissed as hell to be told they’re not raising them, but that does represent a generational shift.

Nobody told anyone they aren’t raising their kids. And no, most men would not be pissed as hell. Not a single man has even joined any part of this conversation. You would think at least one if they would be “pissed as hell”.

The bolded suggests you haven’t understood the thread, and I’m amazed you think you know the sex of every poster.

Go to the park in my neighborhood on a Sunday morning and tell the dad’s group they’re not raising their kids. See how much they appreciate it.

Many people seem to be getting offended when they don’t need to be.

If a woman says she decided to stay home because she didn’t want someone else to raise her kids, that doesn’t mean that someone else is not raising her kids. A single mom is raising her kids. A working mom is raising her kids. A working dad is raising his kids.

If a woman says she went back to work because she was bored at home and felt stupider being with her baby, that doesn’t mean that I am bored and getting stupider by being home with my children at home. I’m not offended. I seriously don’t care.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m getting a laugh out of this “firsts” hissy fit.

My daughter took her first steps in my office where she was playing on the floor when I was working late on something. She then refused to do it again for weeks and weeks, home or childcare. Getting to see the firsts are a roll of the dice.

And again something I don’t see male parents told they should quit their jobs to witness…

Who told you to quit your job?

The “not missing out on milestones is priceless” poster comes to mind.

I imagine she’d put a price on it real quick if her husband told her he was quitting his job to not miss out on firsts.

She quit her job because she didn’t want to miss out on milestones. She didn’t tell you to quit your job.

Something can be priceless to one person and not matter as much to another person.

I wonder if these same moms don’t care when their kid looks sad when their parents aren’t there for thanksgiving lunch at school or holiday parties or pastries with parents. All these things won’t matter when your kid is 10 but tell that to the 5-6 year old sobbing in kindergarten.

I work and I go to all these things. There are always some kids crying because “mom isn’t there” but my kid isn’t one. But if you need to tell yourself the only options are “kid is crying because mom didn’t show up” and quitting your job to make yourself feel better about not having a job….well…..

I already posted before that I was responding to a mom who said firsts didn’t matter. It mattered to me. I missed a lot of firsts and it still bothers me. I’m a SAHM now but used to be a working mom. I always try to comfort the sad kid and sit with kids whose parents couldn’t make it.

Well you won’t be comforting my kid, and I have my own money.

Yes I will because I do lunchtime and recess volunteering also.

Kids are not crying because their mom isn’t a recess volunteer the way they do if their mom misses a special event. You keep trying to change up the bar to make yourself feel better. Here is your cookie.

lol you think the random holiday party is more important than the fact that nobody wants to play with your child during recess … And it’s a working mom who has to explain to him how to get along with others and integrate into the group.

where are you guys sending your kids to school that recess volunteer is a thing parents do? i have never heard of this and guarantee it is not an important part of child development.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m getting a laugh out of this “firsts” hissy fit.

My daughter took her first steps in my office where she was playing on the floor when I was working late on something. She then refused to do it again for weeks and weeks, home or childcare. Getting to see the firsts are a roll of the dice.

And again something I don’t see male parents told they should quit their jobs to witness…

Who told you to quit your job?

The “not missing out on milestones is priceless” poster comes to mind.

I imagine she’d put a price on it real quick if her husband told her he was quitting his job to not miss out on firsts.

She quit her job because she didn’t want to miss out on milestones. She didn’t tell you to quit your job.

Something can be priceless to one person and not matter as much to another person.

I wonder if these same moms don’t care when their kid looks sad when their parents aren’t there for thanksgiving lunch at school or holiday parties or pastries with parents. All these things won’t matter when your kid is 10 but tell that to the 5-6 year old sobbing in kindergarten.

I work and I go to all these things. There are always some kids crying because “mom isn’t there” but my kid isn’t one. But if you need to tell yourself the only options are “kid is crying because mom didn’t show up” and quitting your job to make yourself feel better about not having a job….well…..

I already posted before that I was responding to a mom who said firsts didn’t matter. It mattered to me. I missed a lot of firsts and it still bothers me. I’m a SAHM now but used to be a working mom. I always try to comfort the sad kid and sit with kids whose parents couldn’t make it.

Well you won’t be comforting my kid, and I have my own money.

Yes I will because I do lunchtime and recess volunteering also.

Kids are not crying because their mom isn’t a recess volunteer the way they do if their mom misses a special event. You keep trying to change up the bar to make yourself feel better. Here is your cookie.

NP. What kind of cookie? Did you make it yourself?

Yes she did while she was spending 1-1 time time with her child… oh wait

God you sahms are the WORST. I am a working mom and I make cookies, brownies, or pancakes/waffles at least twice a week with my kid. If you are so secure in your choices why do you act like this? Oh yeah because it kills you to know you could have had a career AND quality time with your kid but you gave it up because you couldn’t hack it.

[Anonymous]

I feel way worse for the kids whose moms stayed home and as a result have no money for college tuition and have to work through school, or who don't get helped with a down payment on their first house, can't afford to take an unpaid internship etc bc it was so important for their mom to hang around the house while they were at school during the day.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m getting a laugh out of this “firsts” hissy fit.

My daughter took her first steps in my office where she was playing on the floor when I was working late on something. She then refused to do it again for weeks and weeks, home or childcare. Getting to see the firsts are a roll of the dice.

And again something I don’t see male parents told they should quit their jobs to witness…

Who told you to quit your job?

The “not missing out on milestones is priceless” poster comes to mind.

I imagine she’d put a price on it real quick if her husband told her he was quitting his job to not miss out on firsts.

She quit her job because she didn’t want to miss out on milestones. She didn’t tell you to quit your job.

Something can be priceless to one person and not matter as much to another person.

I wonder if these same moms don’t care when their kid looks sad when their parents aren’t there for thanksgiving lunch at school or holiday parties or pastries with parents. All these things won’t matter when your kid is 10 but tell that to the 5-6 year old sobbing in kindergarten.

I work and I go to all these things. There are always some kids crying because “mom isn’t there” but my kid isn’t one. But if you need to tell yourself the only options are “kid is crying because mom didn’t show up” and quitting your job to make yourself feel better about not having a job….well…..

I already posted before that I was responding to a mom who said firsts didn’t matter. It mattered to me. I missed a lot of firsts and it still bothers me. I’m a SAHM now but used to be a working mom. I always try to comfort the sad kid and sit with kids whose parents couldn’t make it.

Well you won’t be comforting my kid, and I have my own money.

Yes I will because I do lunchtime and recess volunteering also.

Kids are not crying because their mom isn’t a recess volunteer the way they do if their mom misses a special event. You keep trying to change up the bar to make yourself feel better. Here is your cookie.

NP. What kind of cookie? Did you make it yourself?

Yes she did while she was spending 1-1 time time with her child… oh wait

God you sahms are the WORST. I am a working mom and I make cookies, brownies, or pancakes/waffles at least twice a week with my kid. If you are so secure in your choices why do you act like this? Oh yeah because it kills you to know you could have had a career AND quality time with your kid but you gave it up because you couldn’t hack it.

Pretty sure the previous post was a jab at SAHMs, so not sure why you're reacting this way to that post.

And by the way, your response makes you sound defensive and mean. Do you share those qualities with your kid, along with your brownie recipe? Weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel way worse for the kids whose moms stayed home and as a result have no money for college tuition and have to work through school, or who don't get helped with a down payment on their first house, can't afford to take an unpaid internship etc bc it was so important for their mom to hang around the house while they were at school during the day.

Could you share data on this phenomena?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel way worse for the kids whose moms stayed home and as a result have no money for college tuition and have to work through school, or who don't get helped with a down payment on their first house, can't afford to take an unpaid internship etc bc it was so important for their mom to hang around the house while they were at school during the day.

I absolutely would work if we could not afford college or retirement. DH earned a seven figure income when we decided together that it would be best for our family if I stayed home.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I feel way worse for the kids whose moms stayed home and as a result have no money for college tuition and have to work through school, or who don't get helped with a down payment on their first house, can't afford to take an unpaid internship etc bc it was so important for their mom to hang around the house while they were at school during the day.

Could you share data on this phenomena?

DP but there’s solid data that women raised by mothers who work outside the home earn more money and do less housework than their peers raised by mothers who did not.

Interestingly, when polled about their aspirations for their daughters, very few men aspired for them to be SAHP.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel way worse for the kids whose moms stayed home and as a result have no money for college tuition and have to work through school, or who don't get helped with a down payment on their first house, can't afford to take an unpaid internship etc bc it was so important for their mom to hang around the house while they were at school during the day.

Could you share data on this phenomena?

DP but there’s solid data that women raised by mothers who work outside the home earn more money and do less housework than their peers raised by mothers who did not.

Interestingly, when polled about their aspirations for their daughters, very few men aspired for them to be SAHP.

Non sequitur

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I feel way worse for the kids whose moms stayed home and as a result have no money for college tuition and have to work through school, or who don't get helped with a down payment on their first house, can't afford to take an unpaid internship etc bc it was so important for their mom to hang around the house while they were at school during the day.

I absolutely would work if we could not afford college or retirement. DH earned a seven figure income when we decided together that it would be best for our family if I stayed home.

I hope you arranged a post-nup at the same time.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m getting a laugh out of this “firsts” hissy fit.

My daughter took her first steps in my office where she was playing on the floor when I was working late on something. She then refused to do it again for weeks and weeks, home or childcare. Getting to see the firsts are a roll of the dice.

And again something I don’t see male parents told they should quit their jobs to witness…

Who told you to quit your job?

The “not missing out on milestones is priceless” poster comes to mind.

I imagine she’d put a price on it real quick if her husband told her he was quitting his job to not miss out on firsts.

She quit her job because she didn’t want to miss out on milestones. She didn’t tell you to quit your job.

Something can be priceless to one person and not matter as much to another person.

I wonder if these same moms don’t care when their kid looks sad when their parents aren’t there for thanksgiving lunch at school or holiday parties or pastries with parents. All these things won’t matter when your kid is 10 but tell that to the 5-6 year old sobbing in kindergarten.

I work and I go to all these things. There are always some kids crying because “mom isn’t there” but my kid isn’t one. But if you need to tell yourself the only options are “kid is crying because mom didn’t show up” and quitting your job to make yourself feel better about not having a job….well…..

I already posted before that I was responding to a mom who said firsts didn’t matter. It mattered to me. I missed a lot of firsts and it still bothers me. I’m a SAHM now but used to be a working mom. I always try to comfort the sad kid and sit with kids whose parents couldn’t make it.

Well you won’t be comforting my kid, and I have my own money.

Yes I will because I do lunchtime and recess volunteering also.

Kids are not crying because their mom isn’t a recess volunteer the way they do if their mom misses a special event. You keep trying to change up the bar to make yourself feel better. Here is your cookie.

NP. What kind of cookie? Did you make it yourself?

Yes she did while she was spending 1-1 time time with her child… oh wait

God you sahms are the WORST. I am a working mom and I make cookies, brownies, or pancakes/waffles at least twice a week with my kid. If you are so secure in your choices why do you act like this? Oh yeah because it kills you to know you could have had a career AND quality time with your kid but you gave it up because you couldn’t hack it.

Twice a week, really? Sounds like someone is using sweets to compensate for something…

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I feel way worse for the kids whose moms stayed home and as a result have no money for college tuition and have to work through school, or who don't get helped with a down payment on their first house, can't afford to take an unpaid internship etc bc it was so important for their mom to hang around the house while they were at school during the day.

Could you share data on this phenomena?

DP but there’s solid data that women raised by mothers who work outside the home earn more money and do less housework than their peers raised by mothers who did not.

Interestingly, when polled about their aspirations for their daughters, very few men aspired for them to be SAHP.

Women don’t aspire to be a SAHM. They usually have a job, have a kid and then decide they want to stay home to raise their kid(s). Not sure why this is so offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel way worse for the kids whose moms stayed home and as a result have no money for college tuition and have to work through school, or who don't get helped with a down payment on their first house, can't afford to take an unpaid internship etc bc it was so important for their mom to hang around the house while they were at school during the day.

False narrative. This describes none of the SAHMs I know.

[Anonymous]

Not to derail the thread further but i have a large gap and have a kid in elementary school, middle school and high school. I also have elderly parents who can no longer care for themselves so I am juggling both my kids while caring for my parents. Welcome to the sandwich generation. My dad has 50 hours of home aid care but it is not enough. The same way a 40 hour week nanny isn’t enough for a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work in an ES and I’ve never seen a kid cry over this. There is usually a lot going on and lots of other adults around to help out.

I'm a WOHM, and most people on DCUM would excoriate me IRL. I work a lot and travel a lot. Our nanny takes kids to ortho check ups. I have missed a birthday once. I still think I'm a pretty good mom. I've also seen a kid cry in pre-school because his mom wasn't at a mother's day event. At the end of the day, though, it's not that big of a deal. She was/is a great mom who just couldn't be there that day. Stuff happens, and kids learn. If you are never there, that will likely leave a negative impact. If your are always there but not nice or unhappy (like my mom was), that will likely leave a negative impact. Parenting is hard, and we will all do things that make our kids cry at one point or another. That doesn't mean we are bad parents.