How many people are actually having affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A group of 6 (4 dudes 2 chicks) of us from College still keep in touch and hang out with each other’s families and children. I am one of the chicks, were all mid 30s and all 4 of the guys cheat on their wives. They discuss it openly amongst us, and they’ve done it many times not just with one AP. It’s awful but it’s not my place to say anything, and their spouses are so “my husband is perfect” they would never believe it. It’s weird hanging out with them while feeling sorry for them that they actually have no idea the person they married.

So what if you found out that your husband has been cheating for a while and all of his friends knew? Would you have wanted someone to tell you?

Of COURSE?!!!!

Who wants to find out in year 3 or 4 when somebody could have told them at month 2-3 before things were too far gone.

Also—these losers are having unprotected sex and then going back and screwing their spouses. That is CRIMINAL.

The husband who has these worthless friends is also cheating, or cheated. First I would contact the wives or at least anonymously. Secondly I would be checking up on my husband and finally he would need to get new friends. I couldn't respect my spouse if all his friends were dirt bags. There's a reason he's friends with them.

If he has a Google account one of my friends checks up on her husband who cheated. She puts in myactivity.google.com on the computer and can see his whereabouts. She makes sure his location is on, and to date he hasn't figured it out. I feel like everyone should spot check their spouse. If you're not doing wrong then you shouldn't care imo. Of course I wouldn't tell them either. Getting a serious disease is criminal.

You realise that tracking your partners whereabouts continuously amounts to domestic abuse.

Nope. It's called accountability and proving they have changed. The cheater is actually the abuser, not the victim.

I wouldn't even call it accountability. I'd call it counterfeit. If you gotta go thru those extremes to feel a sense of comfort then you don't trust your partner - period.

Ya think after someone cheats on you? Of course no one trusts a cheater.

Like anything when you're caught you have to prove you're going to change. Prove not blind trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A group of 6 (4 dudes 2 chicks) of us from College still keep in touch and hang out with each other’s families and children. I am one of the chicks, were all mid 30s and all 4 of the guys cheat on their wives. They discuss it openly amongst us, and they’ve done it many times not just with one AP. It’s awful but it’s not my place to say anything, and their spouses are so “my husband is perfect” they would never believe it. It’s weird hanging out with them while feeling sorry for them that they actually have no idea the person they married.

So what if you found out that your husband has been cheating for a while and all of his friends knew? Would you have wanted someone to tell you?

Of COURSE?!!!!

Who wants to find out in year 3 or 4 when somebody could have told them at month 2-3 before things were too far gone.

Also—these losers are having unprotected sex and then going back and screwing their spouses. That is CRIMINAL.

The husband who has these worthless friends is also cheating, or cheated. First I would contact the wives or at least anonymously. Secondly I would be checking up on my husband and finally he would need to get new friends. I couldn't respect my spouse if all his friends were dirt bags. There's a reason he's friends with them.

If he has a Google account one of my friends checks up on her husband who cheated. She puts in myactivity.google.com on the computer and can see his whereabouts. She makes sure his location is on, and to date he hasn't figured it out. I feel like everyone should spot check their spouse. If you're not doing wrong then you shouldn't care imo. Of course I wouldn't tell them either. Getting a serious disease is criminal.

You realise that tracking your partners whereabouts continuously amounts to domestic abuse.

Nope. It's called accountability and proving they have changed. The cheater is actually the abuser, not the victim.

I wouldn't even call it accountability. I'd call it counterfeit. If you gotta go thru those extremes to feel a sense of comfort then you don't trust your partner - period.

Ya think after someone cheats on you? Of course no one trusts a cheater.

Like anything when you're caught you have to prove you're going to change. Prove not blind trust.

That's not proof of change. That's compliance due to surveillance. They've already shown their true character. Stop tracking and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A group of 6 (4 dudes 2 chicks) of us from College still keep in touch and hang out with each other’s families and children. I am one of the chicks, were all mid 30s and all 4 of the guys cheat on their wives. They discuss it openly amongst us, and they’ve done it many times not just with one AP. It’s awful but it’s not my place to say anything, and their spouses are so “my husband is perfect” they would never believe it. It’s weird hanging out with them while feeling sorry for them that they actually have no idea the person they married.

So what if you found out that your husband has been cheating for a while and all of his friends knew? Would you have wanted someone to tell you?

Of COURSE?!!!!

Who wants to find out in year 3 or 4 when somebody could have told them at month 2-3 before things were too far gone.

Also—these losers are having unprotected sex and then going back and screwing their spouses. That is CRIMINAL.

The husband who has these worthless friends is also cheating, or cheated. First I would contact the wives or at least anonymously. Secondly I would be checking up on my husband and finally he would need to get new friends. I couldn't respect my spouse if all his friends were dirt bags. There's a reason he's friends with them.

If he has a Google account one of my friends checks up on her husband who cheated. She puts in myactivity.google.com on the computer and can see his whereabouts. She makes sure his location is on, and to date he hasn't figured it out. I feel like everyone should spot check their spouse. If you're not doing wrong then you shouldn't care imo. Of course I wouldn't tell them either. Getting a serious disease is criminal.

You realise that tracking your partners whereabouts continuously amounts to domestic abuse.

Nope. It's called accountability and proving they have changed. The cheater is actually the abuser, not the victim.

I wouldn't even call it accountability. I'd call it counterfeit. If you gotta go thru those extremes to feel a sense of comfort then you don't trust your partner - period.

Ya think after someone cheats on you? Of course no one trusts a cheater.

Like anything when you're caught you have to prove you're going to change. Prove not blind trust.

That's not proof of change. That's compliance due to surveillance. They've already shown their true character. Stop tracking and see what happens.

I agree why most should divorce. However, some decide to give the person another chance. And yes some do change.

If they cheat again at least the other spouse can say they gave them a chance. Then they can move on with their life instead of being cheated on and wasting many more years.

[Anonymous]

^ cheaters don't change. It's just a matter of time before they start cheating again. If you do want to stay, best option is to get an awesome post-nup and then you can start to track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^What’s sick is people bring this up in individual therapy and the therapist does not address the risk or the STDs or the health of the partner. They just discuss the cheater’s thoughts and feelings. No push to do the ethical thing to tell the spouse, come clean, even when it’s clear the double life is the source is many problems in the person’s psyche: anger, anxiety, etc. at the very least, the therapist should have an ethical reason to require an unknowing spouse be informed their health is in danger due to the unprotected sex.

I’m addition to being livid at OW and my husband, I am absolutely livid at his shitty therapist. He went in 6 months on his own initiative (severe stress, drinking more, etc) before he ended the affair (I never knew about it when it was going on) because he needed help with anger, with repressed childhood abuse/abandonment and the stress of what he was doing. He told the therapist about the affair by session 3. He conveyed he didn’t love her and spoke highly of me. Not once did therapist provide any suggestion that his increase in drinking and anger were related to the 4-year affair. Not once did she ask about safety—my health, his family’s, etc. At 6 months, thus dumb bitch hadn’t had him psychologically tested or even asked about his childhood. She gave techniques for managing anger completely ignoring the whore elephant in the room who was a borderline passive aggressive personality contributing majorly to all of these issues. Husband had an episode- blew up, ended affair himself. I find out after the fact.

What a waste of f@cking $ that therapist was and her “assumption” of his issues/mental health were 100% wrong as revealed by testing/evaluation by two different psychiatrists.

Do not use and therapist under 45 for anything to do with marriage/infidelity, etc. Zero morals. A.G., you should use your license.

I don't know about the age rule but there's so much variability with therapists that they can sometimes do more damage. It's tough to figure out what therapist to use.

[Anonymous]

Do not use and therapist under 45 for anything to do with marriage/infidelity, etc. Zero morals. A.G., you should use your license.

I agree that therapists not used to dealing with infidelity can actually do a lot of harm, but think your age rule is arbitrary and nonsensical. People who are cheating/have cheated need therapists trained in helping the cheater deal with the causes of the behavior and how to fix it. That has to include the cheater being completely honest with himself/herself and spouse. The secrets have to be erased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do not use and therapist under 45 for anything to do with marriage/infidelity, etc. Zero morals. A.G., you should use your license.

I agree that therapists not used to dealing with infidelity can actually do a lot of harm, but think your age rule is arbitrary and nonsensical. People who are cheating/have cheated need therapists trained in helping the cheater deal with the causes of the behavior and how to fix it. That has to include the cheater being completely honest with himself/herself and spouse. The secrets have to be erased.

The millennial therapists have a much more fluid definition of marriage and monogamy. They have been very different from the older therapists. The ones with 20+ years themselves under their belt and raised in a time where marriage and family were a sanctity counsel very differently. Now everything is open marriages and polygamy and not taking any moral view whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do not use and therapist under 45 for anything to do with marriage/infidelity, etc. Zero morals. A.G., you should use your license.

I agree that therapists not used to dealing with infidelity can actually do a lot of harm, but think your age rule is arbitrary and nonsensical. People who are cheating/have cheated need therapists trained in helping the cheater deal with the causes of the behavior and how to fix it. That has to include the cheater being completely honest with himself/herself and spouse. The secrets have to be erased.

The millennial therapists have a much more fluid definition of marriage and monogamy. They have been very different from the older therapists. The ones with 20+ years themselves under their belt and raised in a time where marriage and family were a sanctity counsel very differently. Now everything is open marriages and polygamy and not taking any moral view whatsoever.

*20+ years of marriage.

You really can't understand marriage if you have never been married or been married less than 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do not use and therapist under 45 for anything to do with marriage/infidelity, etc. Zero morals. A.G., you should use your license.

I agree that therapists not used to dealing with infidelity can actually do a lot of harm, but think your age rule is arbitrary and nonsensical. People who are cheating/have cheated need therapists trained in helping the cheater deal with the causes of the behavior and how to fix it. That has to include the cheater being completely honest with himself/herself and spouse. The secrets have to be erased.

The millennial therapists have a much more fluid definition of marriage and monogamy. They have been very different from the older therapists. The ones with 20+ years themselves under their belt and raised in a time where marriage and family were a sanctity counsel very differently. Now everything is open marriages and polygamy and not taking any moral view whatsoever.

*20+ years of marriage.

You really can't understand marriage if you have never been married or been married less than 10 years.

+ and add children to that mix too. A marriage with children is VERY different than a marriage w/out children.

It's like a non-parent trying to counsel parents on how to deal with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do not use and therapist under 45 for anything to do with marriage/infidelity, etc. Zero morals. A.G., you should use your license.

I agree that therapists not used to dealing with infidelity can actually do a lot of harm, but think your age rule is arbitrary and nonsensical. People who are cheating/have cheated need therapists trained in helping the cheater deal with the causes of the behavior and how to fix it. That has to include the cheater being completely honest with himself/herself and spouse. The secrets have to be erased.

The millennial therapists have a much more fluid definition of marriage and monogamy. They have been very different from the older therapists. The ones with 20+ years themselves under their belt and raised in a time where marriage and family were a sanctity counsel very differently. Now everything is open marriages and polygamy and not taking any moral view whatsoever.

*20+ years of marriage.

You really can't understand marriage if you have never been married or been married less than 10 years.

+ and add children to that mix too. A marriage with children is VERY different than a marriage w/out children.

It's like a non-parent trying to counsel parents on how to deal with their kids.

The bolded (for the cheater) that needs to be addressed in individual counseling. There are many different reasons/causes. The ones due to mental health disorders--BPD, narcissism, histrionic disorder, childhood abuse/abandonment need to be treated and addressed individually before a person is ready for marriage counseling. For those that want to save the marriage (both have to be 'all in'), the best route is individual counseling each on their own,,with marriage counseling down the road after strides have been made with cheater.

[Anonymous]

^ and a post nup agreement!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my immediate circle of friends. There are no conferences/work dinners/regular travel that could facilitate things.

They do it DURING work hours. My husband never traveled or stayed late at work. Zero suspicion. Nobody expected he was capable of something like this. Master of deceit. Some whore at her house around lunch time on Fridays. Even knew how to hack his iPhone Locator to make it appear he was somewhere else. They met on the Internet. But, I have heard of similar arrangements with co-workers.

And you do not know what is going on in anyone else’s marriage. Most people won’t tell you this happened, especially if kids are involved.

This! I had an affair w/ an old boyfriend. He owns his own company, very busy and we met during the day. Trust me, if someone wants to have an affair bad enough, they will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ and a post nup agreement!

You bet! It’s a no-go without that. Even his therapist said that.

[Anonymous]

The millennial therapists have a much more fluid definition of marriage and monogamy. They have been very different from the older therapists. The ones with 20+ years themselves under their belt and raised in a time where marriage and family were a sanctity counsel very differently. Now everything is open marriages and polygamy and not taking any moral view whatsoever.

We understand that you have been traumatized by your situation, and it sounds like your DH's therapist had no real experience in dealing with infidelity. You still need to stop with the generalizations/stereotypes and bright-line rules, because you are undermining your own position. You don't have to be married for 20 years to understand the importance of transparency and honesty. You are understandably bitter, but need to have better perspective or risk being disregarded as simply a scorned spouse with an agenda.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The millennial therapists have a much more fluid definition of marriage and monogamy. They have been very different from the older therapists. The ones with 20+ years themselves under their belt and raised in a time where marriage and family were a sanctity counsel very differently. Now everything is open marriages and polygamy and not taking any moral view whatsoever.

We understand that you have been traumatized by your situation, and it sounds like your DH's therapist had no real experience in dealing with infidelity. You still need to stop with the generalizations/stereotypes and bright-line rules, because you are undermining your own position. You don't have to be married for 20 years to understand the importance of transparency and honesty. You are understandably bitter, but need to have better perspective or risk being disregarded as simply a scorned spouse with an agenda.

NP. I’m a millennial and I agree with her general sentiment.