Child free women trying to co-opt Mother’s Day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, you sound jealous

Jealous....of women who consider their dogs to be the equivalent of a human child?

No. Jealous that she was smart enough to have dogs and not kids and lead an unencumbered adventurous life. Sorry you drank the kool-aid.

If someone told invited you to a birthday dinner and there were 20 other people there and they spent the whole party talking about how 9 other attendees also had birthdays within 6 months of yours and therefore it was their party too then it would be a sucky party for you. If you had been invited to a joint party from the start then hey, the more the merrier, super fun! But it was sold to you as specifically your birthday party. You got excited thinking about it in that context. What’s the point of having told you that if there were going to be 10 names on the cake?

What’s the point of Mother’s Day if it’s for every person that has taken care of another living thing.

Weirdly there aren’t a bunch of childless by choice dads coopting Father’s Day with pictures of their dogs. Because people don’t expect men to have to put their emotions aside for the emotional benefit of others.

I would be totally fine with that party, because I am a grown woman and I appreciate getting to see people but do not need to have a My Big Day birthday party any longer.

You people are very strange. Your life isn't any less because people with dogs are goofy on FB.

None of you have any reading comprehension. I would also be totally fine with that party, as I said there and in my follow up, if that was the party I was expecting to go with. In fact, if given the choice between the two, I'd pick the group party every day of the week. But if it was presented one way and turned out to be another, I wouldn't. And I doubt posters that say they would be fine with someone acting like they were going to celebrate you and then actually lumping you in with 10 other people. If you showed up on your wedding day and two other couples were getting married, I bet you'd be a little WTF about it.

So in this analogy, Mother's Day is your wedding and other people celebrating it in a way that you turn your nose at makes YOUR wedding less special?

The thing is that the greater world isn't obligated to honor YOUR BIG DAY - be it your wedding, your birthday, or Mother's Day - but refraining from enjoying themselves that day in ways that you disapprove of.

I guess if your spouse decided to invite some dog moms over to your house to celebrate Mother's Day with you and gave them all diamond tennis bracelets, then I could understand your analogy?

No they are NOT obligated to honor my big day. Of course they are not. Which is why the IMPORTANT piece here is that it is mother's day. Or it is your wedding day. And you have a plan/expectations/whatever that are tied to what the day is. Take it out of the context of things you think are stupid and self serving to begin with. What would you think of someone trying to have a march celebrating Abe Lincoln on MLK day? Abe Lincoln is GREAT AND IMPORTANT. But making a day that is supposed to honor a key black activist about a white activist seems crappy. Both people are good! But you don't co opt the day of specificity because it takes away from the meaning of supporting MLK.

So if I planned my wedding to be my wedding, and then someone else was getting married at the exact same place and I had to share the space, I would be annoyed because my expectation was that I was going to have my wedding there alone. No one is obligated to come to my wedding but me! No one is obligated to celebrate it unless they want to.

I feel like people are intentionally misunderstanding my argument to mean that I personally or mothers specifically need a big to do. That is not what I'm saying. I'm saying if you go up to person x and say, "person x, we appreciate you so much and are honoring you in a meaningful way on friday at 2pm" and person x shows up and he's one of 100 people being honored and they barely say his name because so many other people are there, he's not going to feel honored. Whether he deserved the honor in the first place is irrelevant, one supposes that by including him and reaching out to him you INTENDED to honor him. And then devalued that honoring by not telling him he was one of 100 honorees, you let him walk in thinking he was the star of the show.

Except OP was complaining about people who don't have human kids celebrating the day for themselves, and how somehow that devalued it for her. So the party analogy only works if OP thought *those* people were going to be celebrating her. Which, I don't know - seems unreasonable and weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the top 10 dumbest threats on DCUM.

I guess we’ve decided to take a break from the WOH versus SAHM cage match and switch to moms versus child free.

How anyone else celebrates their Mother’s Day, or what they say about it, does not affect me.

Whether or not other people choose to have children, and whether or not they look good while doing it or not doing it, also has nothing to do with me.

I just don’t get the people who apparently have so little conflict in their life that they need to invent some.

I'm one of the people arguing in OP's favor. And I actually hate mother's day because mostly I am always stressed out about my mother and MIL and stepmother who will all be disappointed to different levels of crazy if not acknowledged. I have three kids of my own. I do not really CARE so to speak how other people spend mother's day. Someone posting about their dogs like, whatever I'll roll my eyes but it isn't keeping me up at night (I also have dogs that I love very deeply).

But when it is proposed as a question in abstract, this bothers me, particularly about mother's day. Because there is almost nothing else like this, a day/month/whatever designed to honor a group, where it is so acceptable for others to barge in. No one tries to hone in on Father's Day. No Latino people are arguing they should be honored during black history month. And in fact, when someone starts griping about how their should be a white history month they are mocked and told to get a life (as they should be).

And its because its about women, and women always get the shaft. Women's work is devalued and diluted all the time. And it just feels like another instance of devaluing women's work. Anyone can be a mom! Raising a dog is just like raising a kid, being an aunt is just like raising a kid blah blah blah. It is so rare that we celebrate women with vigor and specificity. Why not have an aunts day to celebrate pp's fantastic aunt who supports her entire family? That is a legitimately different thing, and that doesn't make it a lesser thing, just a different thing. Why not have a pet parent day? Celebrating animals. That would be fine and great. Why is it mother's day that is supposed to absorb all these other people who want to be honored and probably should be honored with a day but are not. Because that is what being a mother is like, taking on the emotional needs of others and putting them before your own. It's just the whole thing philosophically that bothers me.

And I'm sure everyone is going to say I'm an insecure loser but I really don't care much about the day itself. My family made me breakfast and DH let me sleep in, we didn't have some huge thing, and I was thrilled with it. So this isn't sour grapes, it is legitimately just a philosophical issue with how Mother's day gets co opted in a way that no other days do. Even 'galentines day' chose to be on February 13!

I disagree with the OP but I understand your argument from a feminist perspective. I agree no other holiday has people it affiliated with it try to co-opt it. On the other hand, no other holiday comes with this much meaning either! Father’s Day barely makes a mark. Expectations for gifts and gestures are significantly reduced. No one tries to co-opt it because no one really cares

I also think the “dog moms” are ridiculous. If you are a good parent, you put a ton of effort into molding your child’s character so they can go forth and be productive members of society. When you raise a dog, it’s purely for your pleasure. Unless you’re raising a seeing eye dog, it’s purely for you to hang out with, and it will most likely die in your lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Most of the “childless” women I know do so much unrecognized care work-elderly relatives, involved aunties, even Underpaid or volunteer community work, school teaching. I’m happy to honor them any way /time I can. Motherhood is not so narrowly defined for me.
-mom of two kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It irritates me when people turn Mother’s Day into a day of mourning for those who have had miscarriages. Pregnancy loss gets a whole month. They don’t need to take over the DAY that mothers get.

How does this diminish your Mother’s Day?

I feel like this will be inflammatory but this is the equivalent of all lives matter to moms. Its a day for moms, thats what its called. So when everyone under the sun can define themselves as a mom, then it really isn't celebrating 'moms' but more like, 'women' or 'anyone with a vaguely maternal instinct or who has a relationship with a child or animal.'

I can deal with the people who think mother's day is stupid and pointless and hallmark-y. Fine. Whatever. But OP is right, if you have no children and want no children then you should not be celebrated on mother's day. Just like Chinese people shouldn't be celebrated during black history month and straight women shouldn't be celebrated during pride week.

If you're going to name something specific, then it loses all meaning when anyone can define themselves as that specific thing.

You realize that these are two seriously marginalized groups of people, right? The reason for celebrating black history month and gay pride week have NOTHING in common with the reasoning behind Mother's Day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, you sound jealous

Jealous....of women who consider their dogs to be the equivalent of a human child?

No. Jealous that she was smart enough to have dogs and not kids and lead an unencumbered adventurous life. Sorry you drank the kool-aid.

If someone told invited you to a birthday dinner and there were 20 other people there and they spent the whole party talking about how 9 other attendees also had birthdays within 6 months of yours and therefore it was their party too then it would be a sucky party for you. If you had been invited to a joint party from the start then hey, the more the merrier, super fun! But it was sold to you as specifically your birthday party. You got excited thinking about it in that context. What’s the point of having told you that if there were going to be 10 names on the cake?

What’s the point of Mother’s Day if it’s for every person that has taken care of another living thing.

Weirdly there aren’t a bunch of childless by choice dads coopting Father’s Day with pictures of their dogs. Because people don’t expect men to have to put their emotions aside for the emotional benefit of others.

Wow, you need a lot of attention and validation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems incredibly cruel for no reason.

My sister cannot have children. She is not childless by choice, and she made peace with the fact many years ago.

Still she cares for my autistic nephew once a week so that his mom can have a break. They are best of friends, and he can be a handful.

In addition, my sister cares for my parents, grandmother, and childless aunt and uncle. She accompanies them to medical appointments as needed and spends time with each one on one, every week. I do not live in the same state, so I am unable to help. My brothers have large families, so they help in a limited fashion.

She also holds a full time job, and makes it to as many games and performances for my other brother's five children. She's the ultimate aunt, daughter, granddaughter and niece. She gets absolutely NO recognition in the form of mother's day, valentines day, etc.

She does not try to co-opt Mother's Day. But she is an amazing woman with so much on her plate, and she handles it with grace and understanding. If anyone writes an Aunt's post on her wall for mother's day, than so be it. She deserves every bit of recognition. Her plate is much fuller than mine, and I'm a mother to three.

Your sister should absolutely be recognized and appreciated! I hope she is, in day-to-day life, or on her birthday or similar events. In fact, you should go call her right now and tell her how awesome she is

I personally think Mother’s Day (and Valentine’s Day) are lame. Appreciation should be year-round. I really wonder if those who don’t feel recognized by their loved ones in daily life get any true happiness from Mother’s Day? Personally, I just use it as an excuse to have a big family get-together and go out to brunch and have cake and get a spa gift card from DH. I don’t actually feel any more appreciated than I do the day before or after.

THIS!

I feel like the people who get treated like crap year round are the ones who are always disappointed by the lack of celebration on Valentine's Day or Mother's Day. If my husband and kids were mean to me all the time I guess maybe I'd be upset like OP that someone was trying to co-opt the one day a year they are sort of forced to be nice to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, you sound jealous

Jealous....of women who consider their dogs to be the equivalent of a human child?

No. Jealous that she was smart enough to have dogs and not kids and lead an unencumbered adventurous life. Sorry you drank the kool-aid.

If someone told invited you to a birthday dinner and there were 20 other people there and they spent the whole party talking about how 9 other attendees also had birthdays within 6 months of yours and therefore it was their party too then it would be a sucky party for you. If you had been invited to a joint party from the start then hey, the more the merrier, super fun! But it was sold to you as specifically your birthday party. You got excited thinking about it in that context. What’s the point of having told you that if there were going to be 10 names on the cake?

What’s the point of Mother’s Day if it’s for every person that has taken care of another living thing.

Weirdly there aren’t a bunch of childless by choice dads coopting Father’s Day with pictures of their dogs. Because people don’t expect men to have to put their emotions aside for the emotional benefit of others.

I would be totally fine with that party, because I am a grown woman and I appreciate getting to see people but do not need to have a My Big Day birthday party any longer.

You people are very strange. Your life isn't any less because people with dogs are goofy on FB.

None of you have any reading comprehension. I would also be totally fine with that party, as I said there and in my follow up, if that was the party I was expecting to go with. In fact, if given the choice between the two, I'd pick the group party every day of the week. But if it was presented one way and turned out to be another, I wouldn't. And I doubt posters that say they would be fine with someone acting like they were going to celebrate you and then actually lumping you in with 10 other people. If you showed up on your wedding day and two other couples were getting married, I bet you'd be a little WTF about it.

You seem to think that because people disagree with you that they don't understand what you are saying. That is incorrect- we are saying we wouldn't care about either party. If you tell me that you will celebrate my birthday and when I get there you are lumping me in with ten other people I would shrug, say "Happy birthday" to the other ten people and have a good time.

That's not what the post I responded to said. The bold seems to specifically anchor in the idea that my post was about which party was better, which is not what it was about. I think some people may not care but they are in the minority. And as I've tried to make clear via other examples, my point is not about the birthday party but the more general idea. You may disagree that is fine but this is the first time you've articulated a disagreement with my actual point instead of picking apart my example.

The bolded doesn't say anything of the sort. The poster said she would be OK with that party- so she is disagreeing that it is a problem to have a party where you think you are the only birthday girl and then they are celebrating ten other birthdays. Literally she is disagreeing with your point and she is not picking apart the example at all. If you are going to accuse people of not having reading comprehension you might want o brush up on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, you sound jealous

Jealous....of women who consider their dogs to be the equivalent of a human child?

No. Jealous that she was smart enough to have dogs and not kids and lead an unencumbered adventurous life. Sorry you drank the kool-aid.

If someone told invited you to a birthday dinner and there were 20 other people there and they spent the whole party talking about how 9 other attendees also had birthdays within 6 months of yours and therefore it was their party too then it would be a sucky party for you. If you had been invited to a joint party from the start then hey, the more the merrier, super fun! But it was sold to you as specifically your birthday party. You got excited thinking about it in that context. What’s the point of having told you that if there were going to be 10 names on the cake?

What’s the point of Mother’s Day if it’s for every person that has taken care of another living thing.

Weirdly there aren’t a bunch of childless by choice dads coopting Father’s Day with pictures of their dogs. Because people don’t expect men to have to put their emotions aside for the emotional benefit of others.

I would be totally fine with that party, because I am a grown woman and I appreciate getting to see people but do not need to have a My Big Day birthday party any longer.

You people are very strange. Your life isn't any less because people with dogs are goofy on FB.

None of you have any reading comprehension. I would also be totally fine with that party, as I said there and in my follow up, if that was the party I was expecting to go with. In fact, if given the choice between the two, I'd pick the group party every day of the week. But if it was presented one way and turned out to be another, I wouldn't. And I doubt posters that say they would be fine with someone acting like they were going to celebrate you and then actually lumping you in with 10 other people. If you showed up on your wedding day and two other couples were getting married, I bet you'd be a little WTF about it.

So in this analogy, Mother's Day is your wedding and other people celebrating it in a way that you turn your nose at makes YOUR wedding less special?

The thing is that the greater world isn't obligated to honor YOUR BIG DAY - be it your wedding, your birthday, or Mother's Day - but refraining from enjoying themselves that day in ways that you disapprove of.

I guess if your spouse decided to invite some dog moms over to your house to celebrate Mother's Day with you and gave them all diamond tennis bracelets, then I could understand your analogy?

No they are NOT obligated to honor my big day. Of course they are not. Which is why the IMPORTANT piece here is that it is mother's day. Or it is your wedding day. And you have a plan/expectations/whatever that are tied to what the day is. Take it out of the context of things you think are stupid and self serving to begin with. What would you think of someone trying to have a march celebrating Abe Lincoln on MLK day? Abe Lincoln is GREAT AND IMPORTANT. But making a day that is supposed to honor a key black activist about a white activist seems crappy. Both people are good! But you don't co opt the day of specificity because it takes away from the meaning of supporting MLK.

So if I planned my wedding to be my wedding, and then someone else was getting married at the exact same place and I had to share the space, I would be annoyed because my expectation was that I was going to have my wedding there alone. No one is obligated to come to my wedding but me! No one is obligated to celebrate it unless they want to.

I feel like people are intentionally misunderstanding my argument to mean that I personally or mothers specifically need a big to do. That is not what I'm saying. I'm saying if you go up to person x and say, "person x, we appreciate you so much and are honoring you in a meaningful way on friday at 2pm" and person x shows up and he's one of 100 people being honored and they barely say his name because so many other people are there, he's not going to feel honored. Whether he deserved the honor in the first place is irrelevant, one supposes that by including him and reaching out to him you INTENDED to honor him. And then devalued that honoring by not telling him he was one of 100 honorees, you let him walk in thinking he was the star of the show.

NP. You still haven't explained why someone posting a picture of their dogs is ruining your Mother's Day. Because there is no valid reason why that should have any affect on your whatsoever. How does that change how much you are "honored"?

[Anonymous]

Oh, who cares? For every obnoxious childfree-by-choice mom who disparages kids and parenting and then turns around to co-opt it as a pet mom on Mother's Day, there are smug moms who act like they, personally, invented motherhood and are the living embodiment of Gracious Wholesome Mother. There are so many moms who act obnoxious about being moms, and asking personal questions, and poking and prodding and being nosy about why someone is single or "childless." It all evens out in the wash.

Sip your wine, roll your eyes, and keep it moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, you sound jealous

Jealous....of women who consider their dogs to be the equivalent of a human child?

No. Jealous that she was smart enough to have dogs and not kids and lead an unencumbered adventurous life. Sorry you drank the kool-aid.

If someone told invited you to a birthday dinner and there were 20 other people there and they spent the whole party talking about how 9 other attendees also had birthdays within 6 months of yours and therefore it was their party too then it would be a sucky party for you. If you had been invited to a joint party from the start then hey, the more the merrier, super fun! But it was sold to you as specifically your birthday party. You got excited thinking about it in that context. What’s the point of having told you that if there were going to be 10 names on the cake?

What’s the point of Mother’s Day if it’s for every person that has taken care of another living thing.

Weirdly there aren’t a bunch of childless by choice dads coopting Father’s Day with pictures of their dogs. Because people don’t expect men to have to put their emotions aside for the emotional benefit of others.

I would be totally fine with that party, because I am a grown woman and I appreciate getting to see people but do not need to have a My Big Day birthday party any longer.

You people are very strange. Your life isn't any less because people with dogs are goofy on FB.

None of you have any reading comprehension. I would also be totally fine with that party, as I said there and in my follow up, if that was the party I was expecting to go with. In fact, if given the choice between the two, I'd pick the group party every day of the week. But if it was presented one way and turned out to be another, I wouldn't. And I doubt posters that say they would be fine with someone acting like they were going to celebrate you and then actually lumping you in with 10 other people. If you showed up on your wedding day and two other couples were getting married, I bet you'd be a little WTF about it.

So in this analogy, Mother's Day is your wedding and other people celebrating it in a way that you turn your nose at makes YOUR wedding less special?

The thing is that the greater world isn't obligated to honor YOUR BIG DAY - be it your wedding, your birthday, or Mother's Day - but refraining from enjoying themselves that day in ways that you disapprove of.

I guess if your spouse decided to invite some dog moms over to your house to celebrate Mother's Day with you and gave them all diamond tennis bracelets, then I could understand your analogy?

No they are NOT obligated to honor my big day. Of course they are not. Which is why the IMPORTANT piece here is that it is mother's day. Or it is your wedding day. And you have a plan/expectations/whatever that are tied to what the day is. Take it out of the context of things you think are stupid and self serving to begin with. What would you think of someone trying to have a march celebrating Abe Lincoln on MLK day? Abe Lincoln is GREAT AND IMPORTANT. But making a day that is supposed to honor a key black activist about a white activist seems crappy. Both people are good! But you don't co opt the day of specificity because it takes away from the meaning of supporting MLK.

So if I planned my wedding to be my wedding, and then someone else was getting married at the exact same place and I had to share the space, I would be annoyed because my expectation was that I was going to have my wedding there alone. No one is obligated to come to my wedding but me! No one is obligated to celebrate it unless they want to.

I feel like people are intentionally misunderstanding my argument to mean that I personally or mothers specifically need a big to do. That is not what I'm saying. I'm saying if you go up to person x and say, "person x, we appreciate you so much and are honoring you in a meaningful way on friday at 2pm" and person x shows up and he's one of 100 people being honored and they barely say his name because so many other people are there, he's not going to feel honored. Whether he deserved the honor in the first place is irrelevant, one supposes that by including him and reaching out to him you INTENDED to honor him. And then devalued that honoring by not telling him he was one of 100 honorees, you let him walk in thinking he was the star of the show.

NP. You still haven't explained why someone posting a picture of their dogs is ruining your Mother's Day. Because there is no valid reason why that should have any affect on your whatsoever. How does that change how much you are "honored"?

DP. I don’t really care if dog moms want to co-opt Mother’s Day. What bothers me is if they take it one step further and try to argue that celebrating Mother’s Day is bad and exclusionary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's odder, to me, are the people who wish me a Happy Mothers Day. I am childless, not by choice, why do you need to remind me of that?

Hugs to you. This was me, for years, and it was a knife to my heart every time.

Wishing peace and happiness to you, in whatever form you find it.

[Anonymous]

I’m not Jewish but the only response to this is:

Oy vey!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one that finds this utterly obnoxious? I know several women who are child free by choice and spend the other 364 days of the year railing against children and families and going on about how it’s better to be child free. Then Mother’s Day comes around and they’re all over social media wishing themselves a happy Mother’s Day because they are “dog moms.” Just stoppppp.

This happens at my church now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's odder, to me, are the people who wish me a Happy Mothers Day. I am childless, not by choice, why do you need to remind me of that?

Why do they wish you? Makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Ladies-it’s like with a little wink that you say HMD to the dog moms. It means “I’m sorry about your inability to stay in a relationship/fertility issues/whatever is the obvious thing going on that led to them having no family. We all love you anyway and hope Mother’s Day does not make you feel like shit.” That’s it! They are not co-opting it. It’s like a sympathy thing. I personally hate awkwardness and sympathy so I would never put myself out there as a dog mom on Mother’s Day, but that’s also easy for me to say because I have two kids, my mom is still living, and generally the day is always pleasant for me. The ones who raise it themselves are usually the most fragile and wanted a family the most. Just let them do it. It’s sad and just do tour part to be kind.