I'm going to fly across the country and try to get my long-distance ex boyfriend back AMA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's awesome and romantic. Sure, it might backfire. He'll, his live-in GF might even answer the door but she'll always wonder if she doesn't try. If it blows up, she has closure and can move on.

Good for you OP! If he gives you the chance, rock his world. Guys always fall for great sex.

Life is not Sleepless in Seattle. Assuming OP is the normal one, she should have some pride and self respect - not to mention respect for his decision - and move along. There is nothing romantic about becoming a desperate stalker. That she's even considering this leads me to question whether she is in fact normal.

When you have tremendous feelings for someone, it comes out in everything, including break ups. You overreact and go to extremes. Sometimes both are scared to make the next move after a blow out and wind up wondering for years what might have been. OP was going to answer that question. I see nothing wrong with that.

I haven't abandoned the idea of going to visit him completely. I will likely travel back to the area for a funeral early in the year (it makes me sound terribly callous that I'm even framing like that, but that's where I'm at right now) and I will ask if he will see me. If he will take me back I'll move back to the area in May (the plan was always to go back, for me above all because where I live is soul-killing) on an expedited timeline. We were so good together when I was there and I think there's a chance we could get it back, but if not, at least there's a TON of fish in the sea there. The only fish here are racist rednecks.

OP, you were doing so well (for the past 2 pages)—vowing not to visit him, going to the gym,
getting therapy. Do NOT show up on his doorstep or otherwise attempt to see him when you’re nearby for a funeral!! Come on. You only dated for 4 months. Good rule of thumb is that it takes as long as you were with the person, to get over it. You’re still in acute breakup pain and not thinking clearly. Give yourself a few months. I predict you will feel much differently than you do now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's awesome and romantic. Sure, it might backfire. He'll, his live-in GF might even answer the door but she'll always wonder if she doesn't try. If it blows up, she has closure and can move on.

Good for you OP! If he gives you the chance, rock his world. Guys always fall for great sex.

Life is not Sleepless in Seattle. Assuming OP is the normal one, she should have some pride and self respect - not to mention respect for his decision - and move along. There is nothing romantic about becoming a desperate stalker. That she's even considering this leads me to question whether she is in fact normal.

When you have tremendous feelings for someone, it comes out in everything, including break ups. You overreact and go to extremes. Sometimes both are scared to make the next move after a blow out and wind up wondering for years what might have been. OP was going to answer that question. I see nothing wrong with that.

I haven't abandoned the idea of going to visit him completely. I will likely travel back to the area for a funeral early in the year (it makes me sound terribly callous that I'm even framing like that, but that's where I'm at right now) and I will ask if he will see me. If he will take me back I'll move back to the area in May (the plan was always to go back, for me above all because where I live is soul-killing) on an expedited timeline. We were so good together when I was there and I think there's a chance we could get it back, but if not, at least there's a TON of fish in the sea there. The only fish here are racist rednecks.

OP, you were doing so well (for the past 2 pages)—vowing not to visit him, going to the gym,
getting therapy. Do NOT show up on his doorstep or otherwise attempt to see him when you’re nearby for a funeral!! Come on. You only dated for 4 months. Good rule of thumb is that it takes as long as you were with the person, to get over it. You’re still in acute breakup pain and not thinking clearly. Give yourself a few months. I predict you will feel much differently than you do now.

We have talked every single day for 8 months. Now that I actually counted it from our first date to the day I left was 5.5 months. Yes, it's not that long, but it was intense. After not even two months of dating I spent every single night with him until I left. While I was gone we spent 2 hours on the phone together daily. This was not a casual thing and yes when I'm in the area for my uncle's funeral I'm going to ask if he will see me after he broke up with me over text, okay? That's not unreasonable or pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Np. I think this is an ok thing to ask. Op isn’t saying she intends to just show up and surprise him. She’s just going to ask. Why wouldn’t that be ok?

I doubt it will change anything but there is nothing unreasonable about this plan in my view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np. I think this is an ok thing to ask. Op isn’t saying she intends to just show up and surprise him. She’s just going to ask. Why wouldn’t that be ok?

I doubt it will change anything but there is nothing unreasonable about this plan in my view.

No, originally my plan was to show up on his damn doorstep. Luckily I was talked out of it even though I still look at tickets every day - ugh - someone take away my Alaska Airlines miles. I still hope to see him sometime in the next few months but I think my new plan is much more reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. I think this is an ok thing to ask. Op isn’t saying she intends to just show up and surprise him. She’s just going to ask. Why wouldn’t that be ok?

I doubt it will change anything but there is nothing unreasonable about this plan in my view.

No, originally my plan was to show up on his damn doorstep. Luckily I was talked out of it even though I still look at tickets every day - ugh - someone take away my Alaska Airlines miles. I still hope to see him sometime in the next few months but I think my new plan is much more reasonable.

Yes sorry I’m the pp, I meant my comment as a response to your plan to see him when you go back for the funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's awesome and romantic. Sure, it might backfire. He'll, his live-in GF might even answer the door but she'll always wonder if she doesn't try. If it blows up, she has closure and can move on.

Good for you OP! If he gives you the chance, rock his world. Guys always fall for great sex.

Life is not Sleepless in Seattle. Assuming OP is the normal one, she should have some pride and self respect - not to mention respect for his decision - and move along. There is nothing romantic about becoming a desperate stalker. That she's even considering this leads me to question whether she is in fact normal.

When you have tremendous feelings for someone, it comes out in everything, including break ups. You overreact and go to extremes. Sometimes both are scared to make the next move after a blow out and wind up wondering for years what might have been. OP was going to answer that question. I see nothing wrong with that.

I haven't abandoned the idea of going to visit him completely. I will likely travel back to the area for a funeral early in the year (it makes me sound terribly callous that I'm even framing like that, but that's where I'm at right now) and I will ask if he will see me. If he will take me back I'll move back to the area in May (the plan was always to go back, for me above all because where I live is soul-killing) on an expedited timeline. We were so good together when I was there and I think there's a chance we could get it back, but if not, at least there's a TON of fish in the sea there. The only fish here are racist rednecks.

if you were "so good together" he wouldn't have broken up, much less block you. don't contact him, if for no other reason because that will decrease your chances of getting back together with him. it's how it works, when it works at all... the person who cares less must make the first step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. I think this is an ok thing to ask. Op isn’t saying she intends to just show up and surprise him. She’s just going to ask. Why wouldn’t that be ok?

I doubt it will change anything but there is nothing unreasonable about this plan in my view.

No, originally my plan was to show up on his damn doorstep. Luckily I was talked out of it even though I still look at tickets every day - ugh - someone take away my Alaska Airlines miles. I still hope to see him sometime in the next few months but I think my new plan is much more reasonable.

it's more reasonable but your first plan was stalking. the new plan is just run of the mill humiliation. by the time you get to execute it you will actually feel better about the breakup. this would reset you.

[Anonymous]

I’m 47 and you sound exactly like me, 20 years ago. I would precipitate breakups with my clingy behavior (similar to how you freaked out on him over his pneumonia...) and then I would romanticize the situation and try to get the guy back. It never worked. I did lose my dignity, however.

You said yourself he broke up with you unilaterally and has blocked you. Instead of trying to get him back, I think the best course of action here would be to send him (by mail, if necessary) a short but heartfelt apology for your actions that resulted in the breakup. Wish him well. Expect nothing in return. If he responds, then you have hope.

[Anonymous]

New poster here. I just found this thread and am on 3rd page. Is it worth reading?
OP, I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 47 and you sound exactly like me, 20 years ago. I would precipitate breakups with my clingy behavior (similar to how you freaked out on him over his pneumonia...) and then I would romanticize the situation and try to get the guy back. It never worked. I did lose my dignity, however.

You said yourself he broke up with you unilaterally and has blocked you. Instead of trying to get him back, I think the best course of action here would be to send him (by mail, if necessary) a short but heartfelt apology for your actions that resulted in the breakup. Wish him well. Expect nothing in return. If he responds, then you have hope.

exactly. many of us are familiar with this dynamic. the key, OP, is that you deluded yourself into thinking that it was your fault for the break up, so now it's up to you to win him back. but, while your behavior did play an important role, the problem was that there was an investment differential - you cared much more, you were freaking out for not being able to see him, and he wasn't. that turned him off, and he broke it off (and blocked you!). he didn't break up with you because you were rude to him. therefore, being super nice is not going to help you. he broke up with you because he didn't like you as much as you thought probably because he was turned off by your clinginess and neediness.

you contacting him in any form reinforces the dynamic in which YOU CAN MUCH MORE THAN HE DOES. men don't like this, actually, no one does. if you want to have any chance at getting him back (a chance which is very small, which you should understand) you need to show him that you are not needy and desperate and that you don't care all that much, or more than he does. this is a precondition for him to entertain the possibility at all.

do not contact him or ask to meet him. i can guarantee you, if you send him a message through on of the remaining channels, he will simply block you there. you will be humiliated and will set yourself back while accomplishing less than zero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I just found this thread and am on 3rd page. Is it worth reading?
OP, I wish you all the best.

yes

[Anonymous]

My coworker did this, the guy slammed the door in her face and called the cops.

[Anonymous]

He broke up with you. If he wanted to talk to you, he would have contacted you. You already have your answer. Trying to see him again (under whatever guise— funeral attendance, etc) is not going to result in a different outcome or answer. It won’t make him realize he misses you, as you suggested on page 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My coworker did this, the guy slammed the door in her face and called the cops.

Women here. I think it's really unattractive for women to chase men. Don't do that op. This reply reminds of when I called the cops when my ex showed up at my door with roses. I never opened the door though. I just asked who it was and when he said his name, I dialed 911. He never came back.

[Anonymous]

Don't listen to these spinsters and future cat ladies. This is your soulmate! Go get him!