Reply to Adoptive parents that treat their biological child and adopted child differently

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I know a family where the dynamic is the opposite -- the adopted child is singled out as the special one who needs more and must be treated better because she was adopted at 3 from a pretty bad situation. I understand why this is happening and I think everyone's intentions are good but I also think it is creating weird dynamics with the kids and could result in some not great relationships as they get older. I really try to treat all the kids with the same level of kindness and respect when I interact with the family. And I make a point of not singling out or paying special attention to the adoptive DD because not only do I think this might be a bummer for her siblings but I also think it has led to her feeling very self-conscious and "othered" in a lot of settings.

I think it's a tricky situation and hard to get exactly right. I'm glad she's not being neglected or treated as less than -- no one deserves that. And her siblings aren't being neglected either. But I think it preserves a division between them that probably isn't healthy even if it's well meaning.[/quote]

This is my husband’s family. [b]Husband is biological, brother is adopted[/b]. By all measures my husband is very successful. His brother is not. But as an outsider it always looks very strange. His mother (my MIL) dotes on the adopted son, talks about him all the time, and always put us and our family second. BIL is single with no kids.  My inlaws even stood me up the first time they were going to meet me. Instead stayed home to wait by the phone because BIL might need a ride. We waited for them at a restaurant and they never came. That’s how it’s always been. BIL and his needs and wants come first. But my husband is fine with it, used to it, and secure enough to not be bitter. My parents have always made a much bigger deal about equal treatment of siblings and aren’t so obviously biased. It’s hard to witness blatant different treatment. The inlaws are definitely overcompensating for BILs shortcomings.[/quote]

Oops - Husband is bio, brother adopted.[/quote]

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