Christmas at McDonald's

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In fact, I can't believe why you wouldn't have offered years ago to bring a few things to contribute to the dinner and why nobody else in the family has too?! You're weird, OP. Maybe this is MIL's passive aggressive way of telling everyone that she can't cook for everybody.

I agree. OP sounds cheap and obsessed with food.

OP here. I'm not sure where you are getting your incorrect information. As I stated earlier, we just hosted them for Thanksgiving. We also invited our friends, to diffuse any tensions. Thankfully, everyone ate well AND was sent home with leftovers. Each person brought one dish, which we did not ask them to bring, since it was not their turn to host. The food that was brought, though put out, was generally not eaten. It seemed wasteful to me.

As far as Mil, she insists on hosting. Which, if she can not handle it, then 1.) why wouldn't she assign each person what to bring 2.) or stop inviting more and more people or 3.) stop trying to host if she knows she can not handle it. We offer to bring dishes. She says no. So we bring a few dishes anyway.

Honestly, it never occurred to me to ask anyone or expect anyone to bring enough of the main courses. And it never occurred to me to keep inviting people if there is not enough food to begin with. It certainly never occurred to me to host something, if I was not capable of hosting.

Mil does have issues with food, because of her upbringing, DH says it has always been this way in his house. DH says Mil is cheap. I would never say that, but I have never heard DH say that about anyone. So if he says that about his own mother, it would have to be true for him to say it. Thank you for raising some interesting points that I have to consider.

Wait, you bring a few dishes anyway and still there's no food for your family? Everyone eats before you except for SIL's family who are always late and you have to wait for them and then the food is cold? With every subsequent post you make OP you contradict what you've said earlier. It took you several pages to answer a simple timing question. So you're either a troll (and a very confused one at that) or truly nuts. How many pages before you clearly answer this mystery?

If it is such a mystery to you, and causing such consternation, clearly you are too easily overwhelmed (like this MIL) and need to move on to another thread. NOW.

Clearly your toxicity is no more welcome here than at Christmas, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Arrive on time, but with full stomachs and a really appealing dessert--enough for an army.

Fill your stomachs ahead of time in a way that is special and festive to you--make a special breakfast/brunch/lunch at home, go out, whatever.

OP here. I like this!

I talked to DH. He is too scared to NOT show up at all, or to miss their "dinner" (non-dinner). He has not admitted his fears; but is finally seeing their evil patterns. It only took decades, so I am optimistic (sarcasm). He has agreed to go to brunch that day, so that is some progress. He has agreed to talk to her - though I suggested other means. As I mentioned, the IL are absolute masters and probably the originators of feigning oblivious. It is really all they do. Which is a shame, because they really miss out on life (one can tell from their attitudes).

I don't want it to be my idea. I want him to see what they do, and call them on it. He's a grown man, I can't make him do anything. Worst case, scenario, they go and I stay. The BILs have done this TONS of holidays - so I know they know exactly what is going on. It seems very male of them (DH included) not to call them on it. I don't usually see men say something. My dad was the opposite, so I am surprised. Have men become less outspoken, in "trying to keep (a perceived) peace"?

I am more than a little concerned about the troll PP (Mil, is that you????) who sees clear abuses I am describing, yet continues to prod and poke. Much like a troll. Maybe I will report her.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for ops kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know all about my dysfunction. My family of origin is totally fucked. While it's left it's left it's damage on my siblings and I, we're doing pretty well. The older I get, the more I'm surprised the relationships between us are really good. Instead of pitting us against one another, we're allied. Not sure how that happened when the opposite is usually true. It's probably because we always laughed together about the shitty things that happened even though it was so painful. But, we still deal with family drama and with our respective ILs.

My siblings and I take the "let's fuck with them" approach. If food is an issue at an IL's house, we'd bring plenty for everyone and wear the "Mask of Obliviousness". In fact, the "Mask of Obliviousness" is an excellent device to have where family drama is involved. We developed it in response to our family dysfunction along with a few others (Mask of Catatonia, Mask of Teflon, Mask of Ignorance, etc.) Will your ILs get pissed that your disrupting the family tradition? Sure, they will but by wearing the Mask of Obliviouslness, you won't be aware of what you've done. You'll chirpily comment on how nice it is to have such good food and so much of it. Oh, be sure to pack leftovers for everyone! Don't you just LOVE having leftovers? Behind the mask, you will enjoy seeking their discomfort and annoyance that you are oblivious to what you've done. If they do happen to speak to you about it, you put on the Mask of Ignorance.

+1

OP here. They f with us constantly - it is time to give them a taste of their own medicine, I say. So they can predictably act shocked. THIS will be funny!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thinking about the resentment. The constant resentment they have against DH or I or both. You can cut the air with a knife, the resentment is so thick. PP, do you have this from your family, also? I'm sure their resentment, if it is there, helped with your successes? Did you ever tell them what you really thought of them? I don't want to give my ILs the satisfaction, but in my head, on the drive over, I really tell them off sometimes. Boy, would they love that. I won't give them the satisfaction. I am fairly certain that the BILs know exactly how I feel. But they don't speak up for the same reasons. It is so freaking awkward.

Do you know what it is they resent about your husband and you?

I would minimize the time I spend at their house. There is no reason for anyone to be so upset, especially on Christmas, and your kids must pick up on this. Make your own traditions at your own home that your children will have happy memories of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In fact, I can't believe why you wouldn't have offered years ago to bring a few things to contribute to the dinner and why nobody else in the family has too?! You're weird, OP. Maybe this is MIL's passive aggressive way of telling everyone that she can't cook for everybody.

I agree. OP sounds cheap and obsessed with food.

OP here. I'm not sure where you are getting your incorrect information. As I stated earlier, we just hosted them for Thanksgiving. We also invited our friends, to diffuse any tensions. Thankfully, everyone ate well AND was sent home with leftovers. Each person brought one dish, which we did not ask them to bring, since it was not their turn to host. The food that was brought, though put out, was generally not eaten. It seemed wasteful to me.

As far as Mil, she insists on hosting. Which, if she can not handle it, then 1.) why wouldn't she assign each person what to bring 2.) or stop inviting more and more people or 3.) stop trying to host if she knows she can not handle it. We offer to bring dishes. She says no. So we bring a few dishes anyway.

Honestly, it never occurred to me to ask anyone or expect anyone to bring enough of the main courses. And it never occurred to me to keep inviting people if there is not enough food to begin with. It certainly never occurred to me to host something, if I was not capable of hosting.

Mil does have issues with food, because of her upbringing, DH says it has always been this way in his house. DH says Mil is cheap. I would never say that, but I have never heard DH say that about anyone. So if he says that about his own mother, it would have to be true for him to say it. Thank you for raising some interesting points that I have to consider.

Wait, you bring a few dishes anyway and still there's no food for your family? Everyone eats before you except for SIL's family who are always late and you have to wait for them and then the food is cold? With every subsequent post you make OP you contradict what you've said earlier. It took you several pages to answer a simple timing question. So you're either a troll (and a very confused one at that) or truly nuts. How many pages before you clearly answer this mystery?

That was a different poster who wrote about waiting for her SILs, she was sharing her similar experience. You are getting confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thinking about the resentment. The constant resentment they have against DH or I or both. You can cut the air with a knife, the resentment is so thick. PP, do you have this from your family, also? I'm sure their resentment, if it is there, helped with your successes? Did you ever tell them what you really thought of them? I don't want to give my ILs the satisfaction, but in my head, on the drive over, I really tell them off sometimes. Boy, would they love that. I won't give them the satisfaction. I am fairly certain that the BILs know exactly how I feel. But they don't speak up for the same reasons. It is so freaking awkward.

Do you know what it is they resent about your husband and you?

I would minimize the time I spend at their house. There is no reason for anyone to be so upset, especially on Christmas, and your kids must pick up on this. Make your own traditions at your own home that your children will have happy memories of.

OP here. Maybe if I had a PhD in psychology, I would have the proper terms for their actions and resentments. In the meantime, one would have to ask them. Not that they would tell you the truth. It would be an exhausting series of them trying (poorly) to deflect and deny. So predictable!

[Anonymous]

Let your husband go without you and the kids. Why subject them to such passive aggressive BS?

[Anonymous]

So what does she say when you ask her why everyone already ate?

[Anonymous]

Show up 2 hours before the designated time she told you. Problem solved. If she asks why you're early then act confused and say it's the time she told you. Even show it to you on the calendar on your phone.

It seems like you enjoy drama a little bit. If you can't change another person then change the way you react to that person.

[Anonymous]

^^^show it to *her*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Arrive on time, but with full stomachs and a really appealing dessert--enough for an army.

Fill your stomachs ahead of time in a way that is special and festive to you--make a special breakfast/brunch/lunch at home, go out, whatever.

OP here. I like this!

I talked to DH. He is too scared to NOT show up at all, or to miss their "dinner" (non-dinner). He has not admitted his fears; but is finally seeing their evil patterns. It only took decades, so I am optimistic (sarcasm). He has agreed to go to brunch that day, so that is some progress. He has agreed to talk to her - though I suggested other means. As I mentioned, the IL are absolute masters and probably the originators of feigning oblivious. It is really all they do. Which is a shame, because they really miss out on life (one can tell from their attitudes).

I don't want it to be my idea. I want him to see what they do, and call them on it. He's a grown man, I can't make him do anything. Worst case, scenario, they go and I stay. The BILs have done this TONS of holidays - so I know they know exactly what is going on. It seems very male of them (DH included) not to call them on it. I don't usually see men say something. My dad was the opposite, so I am surprised. Have men become less outspoken, in "trying to keep (a perceived) peace"?

I am more than a little concerned about the troll PP (Mil, is that you????) who sees clear abuses I am describing, yet continues to prod and poke. Much like a troll. Maybe I will report her.

I'm PP above. It's really all about controlling what you can control and letting the rest go.
DH can talk or not talk to ILs, but it's fair for you to say that after past years you are not willing to show up on an empty stomach.

You want to have a nice meal on XMas, which is reasonable, and you/DH want to see the ILs.
So plan a special meal of your own--create your own tradition. You all arrive full, fat, and happy. Take a taste of remaining crumbs, then dig into the epic pan of fudge/whatever you brought along.
If anyone notices that you are not ravenous (ha! doesn't sound like they will), be ready with a breezy answer that you found a great recipe for [whatever you had to eat before you came] or read about brunch at [wherever you went] and it seemed like fun or were getting a little peckish or...whatever. Based on what you've said, though, once you break out the epic dessert, nobody will ask you anything...Cheers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In fact, I can't believe why you wouldn't have offered years ago to bring a few things to contribute to the dinner and why nobody else in the family has too?! You're weird, OP. Maybe this is MIL's passive aggressive way of telling everyone that she can't cook for everybody.

I agree. OP sounds cheap and obsessed with food.

OP here. I'm not sure where you are getting your incorrect information. As I stated earlier, we just hosted them for Thanksgiving. We also invited our friends, to diffuse any tensions. Thankfully, everyone ate well AND was sent home with leftovers. Each person brought one dish, which we did not ask them to bring, since it was not their turn to host. The food that was brought, though put out, was generally not eaten. It seemed wasteful to me.

As far as Mil, she insists on hosting. Which, if she can not handle it, then 1.) why wouldn't she assign each person what to bring 2.) or stop inviting more and more people or 3.) stop trying to host if she knows she can not handle it. We offer to bring dishes. She says no. So we bring a few dishes anyway.

Honestly, it never occurred to me to ask anyone or expect anyone to bring enough of the main courses. And it never occurred to me to keep inviting people if there is not enough food to begin with. It certainly never occurred to me to host something, if I was not capable of hosting.

Mil does have issues with food, because of her upbringing, DH says it has always been this way in his house. DH says Mil is cheap. I would never say that, but I have never heard DH say that about anyone. So if he says that about his own mother, it would have to be true for him to say it. Thank you for raising some interesting points that I have to consider.

Wait, you bring a few dishes anyway and still there's no food for your family? Everyone eats before you except for SIL's family who are always late and you have to wait for them and then the food is cold? With every subsequent post you make OP you contradict what you've said earlier. It took you several pages to answer a simple timing question. So you're either a troll (and a very confused one at that) or truly nuts. How many pages before you clearly answer this mystery?

That was a different poster who wrote about waiting for her SILs, she was sharing her similar experience. You are getting confused.

I"m the PP you're responding to and if I'm confused it's no wonder. OP admits herself that she has some problems with anxiety, tells a very confusing and contradictory story, is unable to answer simple and direct questions and is probably sock puppetting as well. Just not buying this whole scenario. Gotta to admit Christmas at McDonalds is great header. I was hooked at first!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Arrive on time, but with full stomachs and a really appealing dessert--enough for an army.

Fill your stomachs ahead of time in a way that is special and festive to you--make a special breakfast/brunch/lunch at home, go out, whatever.

OP here. I like this!

I talked to DH. He is too scared to NOT show up at all, or to miss their "dinner" (non-dinner). He has not admitted his fears; but is finally seeing their evil patterns. It only took decades, so I am optimistic (sarcasm). He has agreed to go to brunch that day, so that is some progress. He has agreed to talk to her - though I suggested other means. As I mentioned, the IL are absolute masters and probably the originators of feigning oblivious. It is really all they do. Which is a shame, because they really miss out on life (one can tell from their attitudes).

I don't want it to be my idea. I want him to see what they do, and call them on it. He's a grown man, I can't make him do anything. Worst case, scenario, they go and I stay. The BILs have done this TONS of holidays - so I know they know exactly what is going on. It seems very male of them (DH included) not to call them on it. I don't usually see men say something. My dad was the opposite, so I am surprised. Have men become less outspoken, in "trying to keep (a perceived) peace"?

I am more than a little concerned about the troll PP (Mil, is that you????) who sees clear abuses I am describing, yet continues to prod and poke. Much like a troll. Maybe I will report her.

Maybe your husband thinks that you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

You have serious resentments towards your husband. You might want to seek counseling.

[Anonymous]

OK I have crazy relatives also. MIL hates food and eating and will fix a little tiny plate of salad and some chicken slices. About what you would give a 3 year old. We are hungry, we are celebrating -- we either eat before we go, or we bring our own. But we do not rely on her. I know it seems like if you are asked over for a meal, you should get one, but crazy is crazy -- so we eat first.