Christmas at McDonald's

[Anonymous]

Food withholding relatives. We have some relatives that are really so much more into drinking. So they eat a few nuts and a slice of cheese, start drinking, then sever dinner at 10 PM. Very civilized, but for children that is a long wait after lunch. The kids just got bloated and cranky eating snacks when they were used to dinner, so we stopped along the way. Not a fan of fast food but better than waiting around all night for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The family very much has an "every man for himself" mentality. This is an understatement. I have never seen anything like it, so understandably, I am at a loss for the next "adventure". It is a little overwhelming. And underwhelming, at the same time. I suppose I procrastinate to not deal with it, sometimes.

Perhaps I am a little at a loss for words or actions because it is hard to believe DH came from such a family. Perhaps I am in denial.

The mentality carries over, and is most evident at the dinner table. As PP mentioned, but could not believe herself, the food is in fact gone in under five minutes. There is never enough food, ever. It is just a way of life for them that they have accepted. Again, I have never seen this before (I saw his family), and it took me a number of years to make sure it was not some odd "coincidence". Many years later, it most certainly is not. It is just the way they live. Which is exactly the opposite of what I, and I reasonably presume, most people, are accustomed to. It is rather primitive behavior. Jabs at every turn, not just with food. But that is another post.

As for sticking up for myself, ITA. I do not speak up to these people often, I choose my battles. They are the least considerate people I have ever met - yet I am the bad guy for pointing it out. "How dare *I* speak up, DH would never do that "to" us." Funny. Classic mind games. I don't have a lot of time for that, frankly. So when Christmas comes around, I remember that it is not going to be all that great, if I let it be so. This year, I decided to ask for a different approach than "playing nice". As clearly, that gets me nowhere with people like this.

I am desperate for a resolution to this, as it involves my DC. Thank you to those who have been helpful. Maybe if I understood it better, I could explain it better. It is baffling to be immersed in it. Maybe I need another degree, this time in psych!

Just accept the crazy and eat before you go. It will puncture MILs little power trip when you push the crumbs around the plate and say, just so full now. Actually, she may not even notice. But food games are ridiculous and very painful on a Holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK--one more thing, if you bring a giant lasagne (or a ham or other food) you will not be a "hero" as the other poster has suggested, but you will probably be the person who is "destroying tradition." I would bring the food anyhow, because it is the common-sense thing for you to do, but do it so you can eat, not to "be a hero." No one there will care, since you are being told to get there after they eat anyhow.

MIL won't love you for bringing your own food (tried that -- its her power trip) but at least you will get some food. It is not a nice feeling to be asked over for dinner and not have any food. Sounds bizarre, I know, but BTDT. Crazy is just crazy -- no reason to obsess. You really have to look out for yourself and family and let the chips fall where they may. Obviously MIL is not following an etiquette book.

[Anonymous]

... also after bringing your own dinner for a few times, it will come out that they did not really want you there in the first place, and didn't you get the hint when they ate without you?

[Anonymous]

NP here. This is sad. OP, just don't go, and ask DH not to go, and don't take your kids. "Sorry, MIL, but this year we can't make it." Say sincerely or email it. Done. Tjime to start your own happy Christmas traditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK I have crazy relatives also. MIL hates food and eating and will fix a little tiny plate of salad and some chicken slices. About what you would give a 3 year old. We are hungry, we are celebrating -- we either eat before we go, or we bring our own. But we do not rely on her. I know it seems like if you are asked over for a meal, you should get one, but crazy is crazy -- so we eat first.

OP here. This is my Mil! I never understood how a grown human being could eat like a bird. It is fine (??) for her, but expecting grown people to eat this way every celebration is manipulative and controlling to me. I can see that more and more with pp posts, thank you. Mil definitely has a really negative relationship with food. I know the Bils have already talked to her about certain portions of their favorites. She does not want to get any hints, it is clear.

Yes, I am definitely worried about my DH and how he was treated by these people, pp. It is most certainly not just about the food. Now it concerns my DC. You do see that, don't you? I do not have anxiety issues, I have crazy person issues. But thanks for chiming in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... also after bringing your own dinner for a few times, it will come out that they did not really want you there in the first place, and didn't you get the hint when they ate without you?

This is how I feel, too. I might just skip the whole thing. The situation existed way before I did, and clearly I am not professionally equipped to handle it. OP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what does she say when you ask her why everyone already ate?

OP here - "it was so good, there was none left!" I could not make this up. Sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Show up 2 hours before the designated time she told you. Problem solved. If she asks why you're early then act confused and say it's the time she told you. Even show it to you on the calendar on your phone.

It seems like you enjoy drama a little bit. If you can't change another person then change the way you react to that person.

Clearly some of us are more accustomed to dealing with drama than others.

[Anonymous]

The old saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

If you really insist on going, pack up your own cooler of food, go to there house and eat. If they ask why you did that just say "because as you pointed out, there is nothing left here for us to eat" And continue eating.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are only going to be kids once, OP. I say this with heartfelt sincerity, not meanness - how do you want them to remember Christmas? And what can you do to help make it more like that for them? Because what you've been doing sounds awful for all of you.

It's totally ok to break from toxic situations. If you must still see these people, could you pick another time to do it?

[Anonymous]

If you get there and there is no food, put your coats back on and say you have to go get something to eat and will be back after you've fed everyone. Leave and come back an hour or so later.

I just can't imagine after all this time that your husband isn't tired of being hungry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The old saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

If you really insist on going, pack up your own cooler of food, go to there house and eat. If they ask why you did that just say "because as you pointed out, there is nothing left here for us to eat" And continue eating.

OP here. Do you know how many times per week I must say this, at least to myself, if not to my husband? He has some traits of his moms that are definitely insane (not using it by slang, using it literally). Enough that I am concerned for him; not for his safety, but definitely for his well being. Now it is affecting us. This "holiday tradition" is a perfect example. He is agreeing to say something to her. Please, hope it works.

I also like the idea of putting our coats on and going out for food if there is none left. THIS is the type of thing she needs. If she isn't publicly embarrassed, and is able to turn it on us, she feels she has won. This is how she operates. She is extremely underhanded and sneaky, and extremely concerned with appearances. More than I can emphasize. Thank you so much for the productive suggestions! I am finally starting to look forward to Christmas again, after all these years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The old saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

If you really insist on going, pack up your own cooler of food, go to there house and eat. If they ask why you did that just say "because as you pointed out, there is nothing left here for us to eat" And continue eating.

OP here. Do you know how many times per week I must say this, at least to myself, if not to my husband? He has some traits of his moms that are definitely insane (not using it by slang, using it literally). Enough that I am concerned for him; not for his safety, but definitely for his well being. Now it is affecting us. This "holiday tradition" is a perfect example. He is agreeing to say something to her. Please, hope it works.

I also like the idea of putting our coats on and going out for food if there is none left. THIS is the type of thing she needs. If she isn't publicly embarrassed, and is able to turn it on us, she feels she has won. This is how she operates. She is extremely underhanded and sneaky, and extremely concerned with appearances. More than I can emphasize. Thank you so much for the productive suggestions! I am finally starting to look forward to Christmas again, after all these years.

It would probably be a happier Christmas for all of you if you just spent the day with your own husband and children in your own home.

In your last post, it sounds as though you would be okay with publicly embarrassing her on Christmas Day in her own home. That's not really what Christmas is about. You would feel bad about it afterward, and what would your children think of their mother humiliating their grandmother? Would that be a good scene for them to remember when they are adults?

It sounds like you have wonderful memories of your own Christmases with your family of origin. Why not try to recreate the good things your family did to make Christmas a happy time for you as a child? Then your own children could grow up to have the kinds of lovely memories that you have.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have posted before. You need to make an effort to come much much earlier than the designated meal, help out in making the food- go pick out some stuff from trader joe's or wherever to supplement the meal. If you continue to arrive after dinner has already been served you are being passive aggressive and you are at fault too.