This is a really tough situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calm down everyone. I know what it feels like to have that amazing off the charts chemistry with someone and it IS scary stuff because you feel helpless against it. Yes, in a perfect world most know to not act on impulse no matter how tempting it might be but that does not always happen.

The point is she was weak and made a big mistake. She feels remorseful over it. Give her a break. If she is willing to work on her marriage and try to make things right again, give her a chance to do that before nailing her to a cross! What she did was wrong but everyone makes mistakes,some small and some big. My own brother did this very thing, thankfully he and his wife were able to work on their marriage instead of giving up and today have a rock solid truly exemplary marriage.

24 years is a long time to be with one person, maybe she was very young when she married, maybe she had little experience it is normal to wonder and fantasize about being with someone else, maybe her husband wasn't paying attention to her anymore who knows...who are we to judge. I am curious to know if the architect is still in the picture or has he been fired and under what premise did you fire him (to your husband)? I do hope it all works out for you

You see it as "she was weak and made a big mistake." I see it as "she knew she had the chemistry and chose to do put herself in a place where she could take advantage of the situation to do something she has wondered about for a long time." Furthermore, I don't see her as being truly remorseful, because she is unwilling to do the one thing that indicates she is really remorseful -- tell the truth and take whatever consequences and rebuild with her husband in an authentic way. Not telling takes away her husband's decision-making authority over his own life. It's supremely disrespectful. Yes he may leave her. Yes the kid's may suffer. But, she knew that going in.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm pretty sure you'll quickly wind up deciding it wasn't worth it. Get a new architect and move on....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Calm down everyone. I know what it feels like to have that amazing off the charts chemistry with someone and it IS scary stuff because you feel helpless against it. Yes, in a perfect world most know to not act on impulse no matter how tempting it might be but that does not always happen.

The point is she was weak and made a big mistake. She feels remorseful over it. Give her a break. If she is willing to work on her marriage and try to make things right again, give her a chance to do that before nailing her to a cross! What she did was wrong but everyone makes mistakes,some small and some big. My own brother did this very thing, thankfully he and his wife were able to work on their marriage instead of giving up and today have a rock solid truly exemplary marriage.

24 years is a long time to be with one person, maybe she was very young when she married, maybe she had little experience it is normal to wonder and fantasize about being with someone else, maybe her husband wasn't paying attention to her anymore who knows...who are we to judge. I am curious to know if the architect is still in the picture or has he been fired and under what premise did you fire him (to your husband)? I do hope it all works out for you

You see it as "she was weak and made a big mistake." I see it as "she knew she had the chemistry and chose to do put herself in a place where she could take advantage of the situation to do something she has wondered about for a long time." Furthermore, I don't see her as being truly remorseful, because she is unwilling to do the one thing that indicates she is really remorseful -- tell the truth and take whatever consequences and rebuild with her husband in an authentic way. Not telling takes away her husband's decision-making authority over his own life. It's supremely disrespectful. Yes he may leave her. Yes the kid's may suffer. But, she knew that going in.

If he's going to leave her if she confesses, I would not be surprised if she chose not to.

[Anonymous]

Totally dont; blame her for not telling, I would think most spouses could not come to grips with that and would leave. I know I would. She made a mistake, people do that. Being married for 24 years is a long time and if she got married really young, then she probably wasn't with that many people, its normal to wonder and sometimes people give in to those urges. She can move on from there and as long as she recognizes it was a mistake and cut things off, I do not think her H needs to know. The important thing is recognizing the mistake and learning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Current usage from Wikipedia:

American English:
Some in the United States consider "Oriental" an antiquated, pejorative, and disparaging term. John Kuo Wei Tchen, director of the Asian/Pacific/American Studies Program and Institute at New York University, said the basic critique of the term developed in the 1970s. Tchen has said, "With the anti-war movement in the ’60s and early ’70s, many Asian Americans identified the term ‘'Oriental'’ with a Western process of racializing Asians as forever opposite ‘others’."[7] In a press release related to legislation aimed at removing the term "oriental" from official documents of the State of New York, Governor David Paterson said, "The word ‘oriental’ does not describe ethnic origin, background or even race; in fact, it has deep and demeaning historical roots".[8]

I guess John Kuo Wei Tchen is just too deep for me. I would have thought, by that logic, calling Europeans Europeans would also make them "forever other" than Americans. And it also does not denote ethnic origin, background or even race, since "European" covers a wide variety of all these as well. I guess I can not go to "Europe", but have to go to Switzerland, Hungary, and Italy. I guess "Africans" is also bad, since this is also a diverse group of ethnicities, backgrounds, and races. Too bad, because "Oriental", "European", and "African" are convenient words. Also, I wish Paterson had said what these deep and demeaning historical roots are, so he could enlighten us. I wish somebody would give me a concrete example of somebody who used the word in an obviously demeaning way. I get that "chinks" is a bad word. I get that "nips" is a bad word. I still don't get "Oriental". Words with 4 syllables just don't make really demeaning curse words. Oh well. If only somebody would give me a concrete example of this being used in an insulting way, I could give up this obsession. But I really feel annoyed that somebody tells me some word is bad and can only give weird reasons for this. Why should I listen to such a person? oh well!

Okay, I'll bite- got to use that humanities graduate degree for something! European and African are neutral terms because they are the actual names of the continents containing multiple countries. Asian would be the equivalent- the name of the continent containing the places OP's husband is going. Oriental, on the other hand, is derived from the Latin for 'eastern" and represents a European perspective because Asia is to the east of Europe. In academic circles Oriental became a loaded term after Edward Said's book Orientalism outlined the ways Europeans have constructed images of Asians for their own purposes. In academia it is considered more old-fashioned and out of touch than offensive.

Now you can legitimately argue that Europe and Africa are the names of those continents in English and so represent an outsider's view also, but the equivalent term would be Asia, not the Orient.

I normally hear Far East and Near East, they are not names of continents but clearly represent the European view of where these places are, and I have never heard that these words are offensive

[Anonymous]

Some things are better left unsaid. She is in essence going to be throwing away a very good life if she tells not to mention devastating her H in the process. I say let it lie but hopefully you have learned something valuable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some things are better left unsaid. She is in essence going to be throwing away a very good life if she tells not to mention devastating her H in the process. I say let it lie but hopefully you have learned something valuable.

She has already thrown away a very good life. Her H is already devastated -- he just doesn't know why. Do you think he is not wondering about the architect? Or why their life is so dry? Or why he seems to work so hard and be so financially successful to give her a life she seemed to want and yet she doesn't seem that happy? It is unfair for her to be manipulative and decide that he can't handle the info, doesn't have a right to make decisions about his own life based on true information and will leave her (he may, he may not). IMO, this is just more of the kind of narcissism and self-deception that got OP where she is now.

[Anonymous]

Hasn't anyone figured out that this is a fake post? OP is bored and living a life through DCUM...that's my guess.

[Anonymous]

Why do you say this is fake?

[Anonymous]

OP hope you are staying far away.There is no good that can become of it. Would love to know how you explained the firing of this guy to your H.

[Anonymous]

OP, let me get this right..he buys you a home, buys you a SECOND home, pays ALL the bills and lets you play "housewife"?? And your way of saying thanks is to cheat on him? Your DH married a useless, stupid woman.

[Anonymous]

OP you asked for advice and didnt follow it. You betrayed a man who has loved you for 24 years.

The cause of this is that women are not moral (or immoral) they are ruled by feelings. It doesnt make them bad people, but it does mean that in the absence of strict social and legal rules of females' behavior, we will have more female infidelity and family destruction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you say this is fake?

This is obviously fake. I've been on many forums and it's the same story. They hook you in with the temptation of an affair, get you all riled up, then say that they had the affair and get you going again. It's one of the most common fake relationship posts. But, if it's entertaining to you all, then keep it up...you all benefit (it's cheaper than a romantic novel or movie).

Have fun with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calm down everyone. I know what it feels like to have that amazing off the charts chemistry with someone and it IS scary stuff because you feel helpless against it. Yes, in a perfect world most know to not act on impulse no matter how tempting it might be but that does not always happen.

The point is she was weak and made a big mistake. She feels remorseful over it. Give her a break. If she is willing to work on her marriage and try to make things right again, give her a chance to do that before nailing her to a cross! What she did was wrong but everyone makes mistakes,some small and some big. My own brother did this very thing, thankfully he and his wife were able to work on their marriage instead of giving up and today have a rock solid truly exemplary marriage.

24 years is a long time to be with one person, maybe she was very young when she married, maybe she had little experience it is normal to wonder and fantasize about being with someone else, maybe her husband wasn't paying attention to her anymore who knows...who are we to judge. I am curious to know if the architect is still in the picture or has he been fired and under what premise did you fire him (to your husband)? I do hope it all works out for you

Assuming this entire story is on the up and up---which I sort of doubt---as a DH I will say that you owe it to your husband to tell him. He has a right to know.

[Anonymous]

Pig