DH makes me be the bad guy

[Anonymous]

DOGE that BS.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:He works hard and wants to enjoy the family he is providing for when he can be around. He is a bit insensitive, but you have lost the joy in life to the tasks already. You should assign some tasks to the kids or ask him if you can hire some additional help a few days a week, so you can enjoy your family again.

Your mental health is important too, try not to blame him for the challenges you are experiencing, he is not creating problems on purpose to be an ass.

I’m not OP but I’ve been in similar situations and it’s frustrating when it really demonstrates how much your partner doesn’t understand how badly you are struggling, even if you have been trying to express yourself. When you are at this point you don’t have the bandwidth to do the *extra* work to find and hire someone to help out.

I am guessing OP also works based on the description of early camp and getting ready for the week. If she’s off all week and can do those chores tomorrow I am slightly less sympathetic but none of this was ok.

I can get annoyed when my husband doesn't realize how busy I am, but it sounds like laundry got done on Saturday and OP was home alone getting stuff done while husband and kid were at the pool for hours. I don't think it's insane for her husband to think she was done so an easy dinner wouldn't have been a big deal. Maybe he was wrong, but OP is mad at him for ASKING.

OP and not mad at him just for asking but for how thoughtlessly he did it- he did so on the phone in front of others, at 6 pm which was an hour after he was supposed to be home with the kids, and with zero awareness of the things we'd agreed earlier needed to be done. Even if this was a good idea, it would have been 6:45 before the extra food was bought and everyone was at our house. The kids needed to be in bed but not asleep by 8 pm so they could be up at 6:30 for a camp that DH specifically chose for them thinking he would be taking them there but he'll be traveling and it's far from my office.

(both DH and DCs are lactose-intolerant and don't eat pizza, but I agree that would have been easy)

I am surprised by how many people are contorting themselves to make me out to be Mean Mommy. But I shouldn't be.

You said he was at the pool with your daughter...and now you're saying he was supposed to be home at 5 with the kids...

see original post. was supposed to be home at 5, called an hour later from the pool.

They were having fun, shame you couldn't allow that to continue. Agree with a PP all you had to say was "sure but DH you'll need to handle. I need to take care of some things and need to get to bed early, but I'll come out to say hello when I can!"

Because she'd rather have a grievance than have fun.

She didn't even have to have fun, just do her thing and make it clear the onus was on her spouse. My guess is she felt the work automatically transferred to her, but she could have made it clear it didn't by establishing clear ground rules. I don't consider popping out to say hello and chat for a few minutes a major burden, so long as the spouse was handling the hosting duties, grilling and cleanup while I did my thing most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Seriously? Taking kids to the pool can be exhausting. I bet OP would have complained if she had taken the one child to the pool and then her husband had invited people over before she got home and she was mad because she'd just spent the day in the sun.

Sometimes I take the kids to the pool. Sometimes my husband does. They're different kinds of work (unless you're relaxing at home while they're gone, which is fine).

He didn't pile on a ton more work for her - burgers are pretty easy and it didn't sound like he wanted her to be the one cooking them anyway. Also, he left...for work? Not like he just peaced out Monday morning. So he probably wanted to see friends since he's gone all the time for work.

Came here to say this - if kids are young enough to have an 8am bedtime, taking them to the pool is not some sort of leisurely vacation. It's fun but also logistics and managing and watching them, changing their wet clothes, whining about snacks etc. DH takes ours to the pool a lot and I am thankful for it, I don't view it at his "time off."

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

Your kids are at camp all day during the week, and you had Saturday to get stuff done (because I doubt that your "running the kids around" on Saturday took the whole day, and then you had all of Sunday, including it seems many hours alone at home while the rest of the family was at the pool. From your posts, it just doesn't sound like you have that much to do that you couldn't get it all done and still have some downtime. So you are trying to sound like a martyr, and now "the bad guy," but what you describe does not sound that onerous.

It seems like the real problem is that you feel like you are doing more work than him, and that he was not showing the proper acknowledgment and respect for that when he asked another family over for dinner. So stop making it seem like you spent all weekend at the coal mine, and just acknowledge that you are resentful that his work week involves travel, which you seem to think is easy mode. My guess is that everyone at your house is aware of your resentment and martyr complex.

My Saturday schedule, not that this hostile PP deserves it:

9 am kid 1 swim lesson
10-12 pm kid 2 activity
Packed lunch at pool because no time to come home
1 pm kid birthday party, took other kid back to pool to swim during that time
3 pm, birthday party pickup, took kids home
3:30 big grocery shop for produce/meat/perishables that can't be left out in the heat (everything else delivered during the week)
5:30 pm made dinner

I don't know what other people's Saturdays are like but that's what I consider "running around". I didn't have Saturday to get stuff done, because I was dealing with the kids so DH could sleep in and rest, as I said from the beginning.

OK, so presumably you don't have birthday parties to drive to during the day, and you said that your DH did laundry on Saturday. You did the grocery shop. Certainly other time in that day, plus ALL OF SUNDAY to . . . what? Meal prep. Maybe straighten up the house. I get it, you think you are working so hard, but it just doesn't read like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

+1. If it's deeply important to have your evenings go a particular way you shouldn't have had kids, but this is part of the deal. I spend hours at the pool with my kids, and I hate it, but I do it because it's part of my duty as a parent to make sure they can do the things they want to do.

I hope Jeff looks into these TROLL posts where the troll OP plays both sides with a ton of fake posts.

I'm the PP you're responding to and I'm definitely not OP. What about this seems fake at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

Your kids are at camp all day during the week, and you had Saturday to get stuff done (because I doubt that your "running the kids around" on Saturday took the whole day, and then you had all of Sunday, including it seems many hours alone at home while the rest of the family was at the pool. From your posts, it just doesn't sound like you have that much to do that you couldn't get it all done and still have some downtime. So you are trying to sound like a martyr, and now "the bad guy," but what you describe does not sound that onerous.

It seems like the real problem is that you feel like you are doing more work than him, and that he was not showing the proper acknowledgment and respect for that when he asked another family over for dinner. So stop making it seem like you spent all weekend at the coal mine, and just acknowledge that you are resentful that his work week involves travel, which you seem to think is easy mode. My guess is that everyone at your house is aware of your resentment and martyr complex.

My Saturday schedule, not that this hostile PP deserves it:

9 am kid 1 swim lesson
10-12 pm kid 2 activity
Packed lunch at pool because no time to come home
1 pm kid birthday party, took other kid back to pool to swim during that time
3 pm, birthday party pickup, took kids home
3:30 big grocery shop for produce/meat/perishables that can't be left out in the heat (everything else delivered during the week)
5:30 pm made dinner

I don't know what other people's Saturdays are like but that's what I consider "running around". I didn't have Saturday to get stuff done, because I was dealing with the kids so DH could sleep in and rest, as I said from the beginning.

OK, so presumably you don't have birthday parties to drive to during the day, and you said that your DH did laundry on Saturday. You did the grocery shop. Certainly other time in that day, plus ALL OF SUNDAY to . . . what? Meal prep. Maybe straighten up the house. I get it, you think you are working so hard, but it just doesn't read like that.

Meant to say, don't *normally* have birthday parties to drive to during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

Your kids are at camp all day during the week, and you had Saturday to get stuff done (because I doubt that your "running the kids around" on Saturday took the whole day, and then you had all of Sunday, including it seems many hours alone at home while the rest of the family was at the pool. From your posts, it just doesn't sound like you have that much to do that you couldn't get it all done and still have some downtime. So you are trying to sound like a martyr, and now "the bad guy," but what you describe does not sound that onerous.

It seems like the real problem is that you feel like you are doing more work than him, and that he was not showing the proper acknowledgment and respect for that when he asked another family over for dinner. So stop making it seem like you spent all weekend at the coal mine, and just acknowledge that you are resentful that his work week involves travel, which you seem to think is easy mode. My guess is that everyone at your house is aware of your resentment and martyr complex.

My Saturday schedule, not that this hostile PP deserves it:

9 am kid 1 swim lesson
10-12 pm kid 2 activity
Packed lunch at pool because no time to come home
1 pm kid birthday party, took other kid back to pool to swim during that time
3 pm, birthday party pickup, took kids home
3:30 big grocery shop for produce/meat/perishables that can't be left out in the heat (everything else delivered during the week)
5:30 pm made dinner

I don't know what other people's Saturdays are like but that's what I consider "running around". I didn't have Saturday to get stuff done, because I was dealing with the kids so DH could sleep in and rest, as I said from the beginning.

OK, so presumably you don't have birthday parties to drive to during the day, and you said that your DH did laundry on Saturday. You did the grocery shop. Certainly other time in that day, plus ALL OF SUNDAY to . . . what? Meal prep. Maybe straighten up the house. I get it, you think you are working so hard, but it just doesn't read like that.

DP. I thought it was funny how much of her "running around" schedule was spent at the pool after she painted that as practically a vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

Your kids are at camp all day during the week, and you had Saturday to get stuff done (because I doubt that your "running the kids around" on Saturday took the whole day, and then you had all of Sunday, including it seems many hours alone at home while the rest of the family was at the pool. From your posts, it just doesn't sound like you have that much to do that you couldn't get it all done and still have some downtime. So you are trying to sound like a martyr, and now "the bad guy," but what you describe does not sound that onerous.

It seems like the real problem is that you feel like you are doing more work than him, and that he was not showing the proper acknowledgment and respect for that when he asked another family over for dinner. So stop making it seem like you spent all weekend at the coal mine, and just acknowledge that you are resentful that his work week involves travel, which you seem to think is easy mode. My guess is that everyone at your house is aware of your resentment and martyr complex.

My Saturday schedule, not that this hostile PP deserves it:

9 am kid 1 swim lesson
10-12 pm kid 2 activity
Packed lunch at pool because no time to come home
1 pm kid birthday party, took other kid back to pool to swim during that time
3 pm, birthday party pickup, took kids home
3:30 big grocery shop for produce/meat/perishables that can't be left out in the heat (everything else delivered during the week)
5:30 pm made dinner

I don't know what other people's Saturdays are like but that's what I consider "running around". I didn't have Saturday to get stuff done, because I was dealing with the kids so DH could sleep in and rest, as I said from the beginning.

Might you be enabling your DH's behavior? Start self-advocating, starting with your DH doing the Saturday birthday parties if you've been with the kids all week. If he's anything like my DH, if you don't stand up for yourself and your needs, he'll take advantage and live his best life without considering how I'm coping with everything on the home front, a full-time job, and a spouse who's never around. Maybe he pulled the Sunday night nonsense because you're stuck in a role as an enabler, and you need to be firmer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

Your kids are at camp all day during the week, and you had Saturday to get stuff done (because I doubt that your "running the kids around" on Saturday took the whole day, and then you had all of Sunday, including it seems many hours alone at home while the rest of the family was at the pool. From your posts, it just doesn't sound like you have that much to do that you couldn't get it all done and still have some downtime. So you are trying to sound like a martyr, and now "the bad guy," but what you describe does not sound that onerous.

It seems like the real problem is that you feel like you are doing more work than him, and that he was not showing the proper acknowledgment and respect for that when he asked another family over for dinner. So stop making it seem like you spent all weekend at the coal mine, and just acknowledge that you are resentful that his work week involves travel, which you seem to think is easy mode. My guess is that everyone at your house is aware of your resentment and martyr complex.

My Saturday schedule, not that this hostile PP deserves it:

9 am kid 1 swim lesson
10-12 pm kid 2 activity
Packed lunch at pool because no time to come home
1 pm kid birthday party, took other kid back to pool to swim during that time
3 pm, birthday party pickup, took kids home
3:30 big grocery shop for produce/meat/perishables that can't be left out in the heat (everything else delivered during the week)
5:30 pm made dinner

I don't know what other people's Saturdays are like but that's what I consider "running around". I didn't have Saturday to get stuff done, because I was dealing with the kids so DH could sleep in and rest, as I said from the beginning.

OK, so presumably you don't have birthday parties to drive to during the day, and you said that your DH did laundry on Saturday. You did the grocery shop. Certainly other time in that day, plus ALL OF SUNDAY to . . . what? Meal prep. Maybe straighten up the house. I get it, you think you are working so hard, but it just doesn't read like that.

DP. I thought it was funny how much of her "running around" schedule was spent at the pool after she painted that as practically a vacation.

Ha, right!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works hard and wants to enjoy the family he is providing for when he can be around. He is a bit insensitive, but you have lost the joy in life to the tasks already. You should assign some tasks to the kids or ask him if you can hire some additional help a few days a week, so you can enjoy your family again.

Your mental health is important too, try not to blame him for the challenges you are experiencing, he is not creating problems on purpose to be an ass.

I’m not OP but I’ve been in similar situations and it’s frustrating when it really demonstrates how much your partner doesn’t understand how badly you are struggling, even if you have been trying to express yourself. When you are at this point you don’t have the bandwidth to do the *extra* work to find and hire someone to help out.

I am guessing OP also works based on the description of early camp and getting ready for the week. If she’s off all week and can do those chores tomorrow I am slightly less sympathetic but none of this was ok.

I can get annoyed when my husband doesn't realize how busy I am, but it sounds like laundry got done on Saturday and OP was home alone getting stuff done while husband and kid were at the pool for hours. I don't think it's insane for her husband to think she was done so an easy dinner wouldn't have been a big deal. Maybe he was wrong, but OP is mad at him for ASKING.

OP and not mad at him just for asking but for how thoughtlessly he did it- he did so on the phone in front of others, at 6 pm which was an hour after he was supposed to be home with the kids, and with zero awareness of the things we'd agreed earlier needed to be done. Even if this was a good idea, it would have been 6:45 before the extra food was bought and everyone was at our house. The kids needed to be in bed but not asleep by 8 pm so they could be up at 6:30 for a camp that DH specifically chose for them thinking he would be taking them there but he'll be traveling and it's far from my office.

(both DH and DCs are lactose-intolerant and don't eat pizza, but I agree that would have been easy)

I am surprised by how many people are contorting themselves to make me out to be Mean Mommy. But I shouldn't be.

You said he was at the pool with your daughter...and now you're saying he was supposed to be home at 5 with the kids...

see original post. was supposed to be home at 5, called an hour later from the pool.

They were having fun, shame you couldn't allow that to continue. Agree with a PP all you had to say was "sure but DH you'll need to handle. I need to take care of some things and need to get to bed early, but I'll come out to say hello when I can!"

Because she'd rather have a grievance than have fun.

She didn't even have to have fun, just do her thing and make it clear the onus was on her spouse. My guess is she felt the work automatically transferred to her, but she could have made it clear it didn't by establishing clear ground rules. I don't consider popping out to say hello and chat for a few minutes a major burden, so long as the spouse was handling the hosting duties, grilling and cleanup while I did my thing most of the time.

Well, my DH has never "handled" all the hosting duties while I do my thing at any get-together ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works hard and wants to enjoy the family he is providing for when he can be around. He is a bit insensitive, but you have lost the joy in life to the tasks already. You should assign some tasks to the kids or ask him if you can hire some additional help a few days a week, so you can enjoy your family again.

Your mental health is important too, try not to blame him for the challenges you are experiencing, he is not creating problems on purpose to be an ass.

I’m not OP but I’ve been in similar situations and it’s frustrating when it really demonstrates how much your partner doesn’t understand how badly you are struggling, even if you have been trying to express yourself. When you are at this point you don’t have the bandwidth to do the *extra* work to find and hire someone to help out.

I am guessing OP also works based on the description of early camp and getting ready for the week. If she’s off all week and can do those chores tomorrow I am slightly less sympathetic but none of this was ok.

I can get annoyed when my husband doesn't realize how busy I am, but it sounds like laundry got done on Saturday and OP was home alone getting stuff done while husband and kid were at the pool for hours. I don't think it's insane for her husband to think she was done so an easy dinner wouldn't have been a big deal. Maybe he was wrong, but OP is mad at him for ASKING.

OP and not mad at him just for asking but for how thoughtlessly he did it- he did so on the phone in front of others, at 6 pm which was an hour after he was supposed to be home with the kids, and with zero awareness of the things we'd agreed earlier needed to be done. Even if this was a good idea, it would have been 6:45 before the extra food was bought and everyone was at our house. The kids needed to be in bed but not asleep by 8 pm so they could be up at 6:30 for a camp that DH specifically chose for them thinking he would be taking them there but he'll be traveling and it's far from my office.

(both DH and DCs are lactose-intolerant and don't eat pizza, but I agree that would have been easy)

I am surprised by how many people are contorting themselves to make me out to be Mean Mommy. But I shouldn't be.

You said he was at the pool with your daughter...and now you're saying he was supposed to be home at 5 with the kids...

see original post. was supposed to be home at 5, called an hour later from the pool.

They were having fun, shame you couldn't allow that to continue. Agree with a PP all you had to say was "sure but DH you'll need to handle. I need to take care of some things and need to get to bed early, but I'll come out to say hello when I can!"

Because she'd rather have a grievance than have fun.

DP. There were times when the kids were little that I was like that. It’s really hard to see and shake in the moment. I suspect OP is being fueled on here by people who are like that too. But everyone loses out that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

Your kids are at camp all day during the week, and you had Saturday to get stuff done (because I doubt that your "running the kids around" on Saturday took the whole day, and then you had all of Sunday, including it seems many hours alone at home while the rest of the family was at the pool. From your posts, it just doesn't sound like you have that much to do that you couldn't get it all done and still have some downtime. So you are trying to sound like a martyr, and now "the bad guy," but what you describe does not sound that onerous.

It seems like the real problem is that you feel like you are doing more work than him, and that he was not showing the proper acknowledgment and respect for that when he asked another family over for dinner. So stop making it seem like you spent all weekend at the coal mine, and just acknowledge that you are resentful that his work week involves travel, which you seem to think is easy mode. My guess is that everyone at your house is aware of your resentment and martyr complex.

My Saturday schedule, not that this hostile PP deserves it:

9 am kid 1 swim lesson
10-12 pm kid 2 activity
Packed lunch at pool because no time to come home
1 pm kid birthday party, took other kid back to pool to swim during that time
3 pm, birthday party pickup, took kids home
3:30 big grocery shop for produce/meat/perishables that can't be left out in the heat (everything else delivered during the week)
5:30 pm made dinner

I don't know what other people's Saturdays are like but that's what I consider "running around". I didn't have Saturday to get stuff done, because I was dealing with the kids so DH could sleep in and rest, as I said from the beginning.

OK, so presumably you don't have birthday parties to drive to during the day, and you said that your DH did laundry on Saturday. You did the grocery shop. Certainly other time in that day, plus ALL OF SUNDAY to . . . what? Meal prep. Maybe straighten up the house. I get it, you think you are working so hard, but it just doesn't read like that.

DP. I thought it was funny how much of her "running around" schedule was spent at the pool after she painted that as practically a vacation.

OP and my 6 year old was the one I had with me for free swim. I am required to be in the water with them at arm's length when they are in the pool for free swim until they are 8 per our pool's rules! We had an hour in the water by the time we got the older one to and from the birthday party. Two hours at the pool just chilling would be fun...by myself. Less so when it's arguing about sunscreen and generally standing around in the water.

DH did his travel laundry and slept in. I don't rely on him to do laundry for the entire house because he just wanders away and leaves the first load in the washing machine wet until he leaves on Monday. Sunday we went to church and lunch with DH's parents and that ate up most of the morning and early afternoon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

OP, I think that is completely legitimate and I would feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Mine only gets out whiskey drink stuff and proceeds to spill it and leave it all over the white counters, staining them in a matter of hours. Cherries dribbles, sour mix dribbles, whiskey dribbles, melted ice. And the empties and full bottles.

Leaves them out for days as a shrine to what a good host he is.
Everyone else views it as a clutter shrine of a sloppy, inconsiderate pig.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

Your kids are at camp all day during the week, and you had Saturday to get stuff done (because I doubt that your "running the kids around" on Saturday took the whole day, and then you had all of Sunday, including it seems many hours alone at home while the rest of the family was at the pool. From your posts, it just doesn't sound like you have that much to do that you couldn't get it all done and still have some downtime. So you are trying to sound like a martyr, and now "the bad guy," but what you describe does not sound that onerous.

It seems like the real problem is that you feel like you are doing more work than him, and that he was not showing the proper acknowledgment and respect for that when he asked another family over for dinner. So stop making it seem like you spent all weekend at the coal mine, and just acknowledge that you are resentful that his work week involves travel, which you seem to think is easy mode. My guess is that everyone at your house is aware of your resentment and martyr complex.

My Saturday schedule, not that this hostile PP deserves it:

9 am kid 1 swim lesson
10-12 pm kid 2 activity
Packed lunch at pool because no time to come home
1 pm kid birthday party, took other kid back to pool to swim during that time
3 pm, birthday party pickup, took kids home
3:30 big grocery shop for produce/meat/perishables that can't be left out in the heat (everything else delivered during the week)
5:30 pm made dinner

I don't know what other people's Saturdays are like but that's what I consider "running around". I didn't have Saturday to get stuff done, because I was dealing with the kids so DH could sleep in and rest, as I said from the beginning.

OK, so presumably you don't have birthday parties to drive to during the day, and you said that your DH did laundry on Saturday. You did the grocery shop. Certainly other time in that day, plus ALL OF SUNDAY to . . . what? Meal prep. Maybe straighten up the house. I get it, you think you are working so hard, but it just doesn't read like that.

DP. I thought it was funny how much of her "running around" schedule was spent at the pool after she painted that as practically a vacation.

OP and my 6 year old was the one I had with me for free swim. I am required to be in the water with them at arm's length when they are in the pool for free swim until they are 8 per our pool's rules! We had an hour in the water by the time we got the older one to and from the birthday party. Two hours at the pool just chilling would be fun...by myself. Less so when it's arguing about sunscreen and generally standing around in the water.

DH did his travel laundry and slept in. I don't rely on him to do laundry for the entire house because he just wanders away and leaves the first load in the washing machine wet until he leaves on Monday. Sunday we went to church and lunch with DH's parents and that ate up most of the morning and early afternoon.

Maybe the resentment is over all the work travel when you have a full-time job and young kids? Maybe last night was triggering, but the bigger issue is that you are "on" with your kids 6 days a week, plus you have a full-time job? That sounds hard, especially without help. Can you make any structural changes?