Reply to Should I go back to work to get DH to step up?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night. [/quote]

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud. [/quote]

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him. [/quote]
So what do you want your husband to do? Work fewer hours for less pay? [/quote]

Yes, I have told him many many times to work less. He only seems to get busier, not less busy. He is very specialized and there not many of him so he is always high in demand, his clinics are overbooked and there are often add ons and emergencies. The hours are long and unpredictable.[/quote]

Different take. Why not tell him he has only one life and he needs to enjoy it more with you?
He sounds like a workaholic and does not possess much self awareness.
Have an honest discussion focused on both his and your happiness.[/quote]

I say this all the time. I said previously that I blow up at him every few months or once per year. I am normally content and fine with our situation.

I think what happens is that when he gets into the swing of conferences and meeting other cutting edge surgeons, he becomes more motivated with work and then he does more industry stuff. He gets interested in new technologies, wants to get more involved in research, etc. The visiting physicians or meetings and conferences he attends makes him want to do more than just surgery. The surgery itself is already grueling enough and then he does all this extra stuff in addition to seeing his patients and doing surgery. He is also specialized so he always has patients waiting to see him. He adds on emergency surgeries of patients who can’t wait 3 months. It is a never ending cycle.[/quote]

Meanwhile he makes over a million dollars a year and you don’t have to work. I couldn’t stand to have such an uninvolved husband but that’s clearly who you married so just take his money and go enjoy your life. You realize that making seven figures a year is insane, right? That you are in an income bracket with very few people? Our joint HHI is about $500K with bonuses and I certainly don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself and how hard it is to be rich. Get a grip. [/quote]

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