No-show at kids' bday party

[Anonymous]

You are not wrongly annoyed, but I wouldn’t say anything to the person because it is you who will end up looking like the b**ch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is very important to you is not very important to everyone else. Take a step back. You chose a "not cheap" venue, this guest did not ask to be invited.

Huh?

What don't you get? OP is acting like this family did something terribly wrong. Of course OP wanted their kid to have a good party, but sometimes things come up. This party didn't hold the same importance to the guest as it does to OP. She needs to move on. These things happen.

It's incredibly poor manners to just not show up. It's not really about "importance." And most people realize that if you're booking a venue, it costs a set amount. Your kid's place could have gone to another kid. Good grief. It's basic etiquette -- and to your point, you're telegraphing to the family that their event/kids party is of little importance, which is kinda mean!!

I would not assume there was another kid waiting in the wings to take my kid’s spot at laser tag or whatever.
Who does this?

Sheesh, I absolutely would. It's called basic courtesy.

You would call around and see if a kid not previously invited would want to come at the last minute?

Now that’s rude and insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Things happen and it’s just a birthday party. Start doing them at home and be flexible on guest list and times, you’ll be a happier person for it.

Not sure if you've ever thrown a birthday party at a specific venue, but many have number limits, and they're not inexpensive. Beyond the cost, simply ghosting on a party is bad manners. I hope you do realize that?

DP and I have throw parties at venues with limits more times than I like to remember and the times I do remember - that’s when all the invited kids showed up 😅 Seriously you have to go into it with a sunk cost mentality. Things happen. and this is a kids birthday party so for some families and parents it’s not going to trump whatever is going on their own life.

I rented the whole venue when possible because I didn’t want to lose kids in a crowd. One was a roller skating place with laser tag, karaoke, and food. Or it could be a separate room for party only. We would invite the whole class and others for awhile but I don’t remember a ton of rudeness with regard to no rsvp or not showing.

My youngest child is over ten years younger than my two oldest and she’s the opposite. She’s happy with one friend or a handful of friends.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, save the anger. “Payback” is not inviting them next year. Focus on the fun and how happy your child wad.

[Anonymous]

Hello! It's Emily Post-It Note! I am dropping in to help you all with basic etiquette!

1. It is bad manners to simply not show up at a party to which you have RSVP'd yes. This is always true, but especially at a venue, where anyone with a modicum of sense knows that it requires a deposit, enforces a guest-list limit, and so on.

2. Unless your family has suddenly evaporated into thin air or truly has experienced a rare catastrophe, chances are, you have access to a telephone. If it is apparent you'll be unable to make it, a simple text is proper: "So sorry. Larlo woke up with a fever. I'm sorry for the late cancellation."

3. Those who are saying "just get over it" seem to believe that the OP is wringing their hands. No: It simply seems to be a case of mild annoyance, which is highly justified, as this was poor etiquette.

4. Consider the behavior that you model for your child when simply blowing off things willy-nilly: Other people's time and money is not valuable; showing up and following through don't matter; and it's perfectly fine to be a scatty and disorganized mess.

All best,
Emily Post It Note

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t even believe some of these replies. OP, yes you are right to be annoyed.

If you say that you will be somewhere and someone else is paying for you/hosting you/expecting you, it is important that you either show up as expected or communicate when things change to let them know that something like illness or another unanticipated situation has come up. At that time you apologize because you assume the host will be feeling potential disappointment and/or has incurred costs pertaining to your presence.

If there is some very extenuating circumstance that precludes you from communicating at the appropriate time before the party (say you got in a car accident or something), then at your very earliest opportunity you communicate profuse apologies for having missed the event without notice.

At no point do you need to give the host a specific excuse or explanation as to why you could not attend. It is fine to keep things private if that is your wish. But both the lack of appropriate communication timing and the lack of genuine apology in this case (texter did technically say sorry but it was weak sauce) would be grounds for OP to feel annoyance/irritation. They were rude. You are justified in being annoyed. I’m validating you and I hate when dcum trolls always stand up for rude people and say give grace. And then there’s really nothing to do but let it go.

You can't believe some people are gracious and forgiving and put things in perspective?

Why do you think the host owes the no-show guest grace but the guest owes the host no grace or courtesy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t even believe some of these replies. OP, yes you are right to be annoyed.

If you say that you will be somewhere and someone else is paying for you/hosting you/expecting you, it is important that you either show up as expected or communicate when things change to let them know that something like illness or another unanticipated situation has come up. At that time you apologize because you assume the host will be feeling potential disappointment and/or has incurred costs pertaining to your presence.

If there is some very extenuating circumstance that precludes you from communicating at the appropriate time before the party (say you got in a car accident or something), then at your very earliest opportunity you communicate profuse apologies for having missed the event without notice.

At no point do you need to give the host a specific excuse or explanation as to why you could not attend. It is fine to keep things private if that is your wish. But both the lack of appropriate communication timing and the lack of genuine apology in this case (texter did technically say sorry but it was weak sauce) would be grounds for OP to feel annoyance/irritation. They were rude. You are justified in being annoyed. I’m validating you and I hate when dcum trolls always stand up for rude people and say give grace. And then there’s really nothing to do but let it go.

You can't believe some people are gracious and forgiving and put things in perspective?

Why do you think the host owes the no-show guest grace but the guest owes the host no grace or courtesy?

Exactly. And there's a vast difference between venting a bit anonymously here and spewing anger at the no-show.

[Anonymous]

I had a party this past weekend and 3 kids no showed out of 18. One kid was sick. One kid told us in advance they were a maybe because they had other commitments before our party. Our kid just No showed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s one person. And now you know that this person is flaky so they don’t get invited to these types of parties.

This. Some people are just flaky.

Don’t invite that person again. My kids know that I have this rule.

You can hang out with that friend another time. But not inviting that kid to another party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did that one time because my kid had a fever in the morning of party. I texted about the fever, apologized for my kid not able to make it, and said happy birthday on my kid's behalf. I told them we will drop off the gift at school once my kid back to school. My kid was sick for 5 days at home and I bet no host wanted us to come in fever medicated.

That is much different than what the OP is describing.

I have no problem with someone texting that AM is their kid is sick. Or even if something important comes up.

But this guest simply did not show and then texted after. That’s obnoxious and self-centered and I’m not the OP.

[Anonymous]

As many have said, OP can be annoyed and anonymously venting is totally fine. And I agree, this is annoying.

I held a backyard party for my 5 year old this summer and one family just didn't show up. And nothing was ever mentioned. It wasn't a big deal at all, since it was my backyard, but my kid did ask why her friend didn't come, and I had nothing to tell her. I never got a text, nothing. Not sure how hard it is to just say hey, we can't make it after all. People are flakey.

[Anonymous]

I think there are two lessons here.

1) OP, you can't control other people. You can only control yourself. If this bugs you (and it would bug me!), you have the choice to do more low-key parties where you don't have to pay per child, or you can simply not invite the flaky families.

2) As you go through life, you will find people who do respect you, and those who don't. For your own mental health, and the mental health of your kids, it's best to surround yourself with people who do respect you and give some space to the people who don't. People show you how they will treat you. That other mom clearly doesn't count you as a solid friend, so hear that message and treat her accordingly. Doesn't mean your kids can't still hang out. But, you are very clearly not a priority for her or her family (which is fine!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello! It's Emily Post-It Note! I am dropping in to help you all with basic etiquette!

1. It is bad manners to simply not show up at a party to which you have RSVP'd yes. This is always true, but especially at a venue, where anyone with a modicum of sense knows that it requires a deposit, enforces a guest-list limit, and so on.

2. Unless your family has suddenly evaporated into thin air or truly has experienced a rare catastrophe, chances are, you have access to a telephone. If it is apparent you'll be unable to make it, a simple text is proper: "So sorry. Larlo woke up with a fever. I'm sorry for the late cancellation."

3. Those who are saying "just get over it" seem to believe that the OP is wringing their hands. No: It simply seems to be a case of mild annoyance, which is highly justified, as this was poor etiquette.

4. Consider the behavior that you model for your child when simply blowing off things willy-nilly: Other people's time and money is not valuable; showing up and following through don't matter; and it's perfectly fine to be a scatty and disorganized mess.

All best,
Emily Post It Note

No one is debating rsvp etiquette. This is really about how you respond when someone doesn’t conform to your expectations of an rsvp. I think we can all agree for a one time thing it’s best to let it go and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't invite this person the next time

Not fair to the kid.

Circumstances I can think of when friends parents seemed flakey were

- one parent going through major depression and before it was treated had bad days and couldn't get out of bed

- domestic violence situation

-special needs child didn't time melt downs to always avoid birthday party dates for their siblings

Like is easier when you assume that people are trying their best.

And if you know you're the type of person who would be annoyed by no shows so an expensive party (which is normal!) just have lower key parties. My kids love rec center or playground birthdays with juice boxes, pizza, Betty crocker sheet pan cake or grocery store cupcakes as much or even more than structured venue parties. They just want to play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one person. And now you know that this person is flaky so they don’t get invited to these types of parties.

This. Some people are just flaky.

Don’t invite that person again. My kids know that I have this rule.

You can hang out with that friend another time. But not inviting that kid to another party.

After one mess up? Too harsh.