I'm so tired of mom cliques

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.

Wow that's a huge leap you just made. Where did I say nothing should be posted? Maybe all the exclusive moms night teehee is too much but there are a lot of other things that are fair game. Posts about kids, trips, dinners, anniversaries, etc etc. There's a long list of things that people can use social media for. Sorry you don't like it when people notice your bad manners with your super special mom clique. We get it, you're in the club.

So like, your list is just family things. Should we not post about good times with our friends?

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids and a big age gap between my older kids and youngest. When my older kids were younger, I put in a lot of effort to befriend moms of my kids’ friends. I hosted a lot. I just invited people we clicked with. In turn, people would also invite us over for play dates and outings.

I have put very little effort into making friends with my youbgest child’s friends’ parents. It was probably a mix of Covid and not really clicking with the parents. I’m friendly enough but these are not the people I would choose to hang out with. I hang out with the friends I made when my older kids were younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.

Wow that's a huge leap you just made. Where did I say nothing should be posted? Maybe all the exclusive moms night teehee is too much but there are a lot of other things that are fair game. Posts about kids, trips, dinners, anniversaries, etc etc. There's a long list of things that people can use social media for. Sorry you don't like it when people notice your bad manners with your super special mom clique. We get it, you're in the club.

So like, your list is just family things. Should we not post about good times with our friends?

Do you really need to? What kind of validation do you need from others? Are you afraid they think nobody actually likes you? I bet you're the one who always chimes in "sorry I couldn't make it, looks like fun!" Just in case someone thought you weren't actually invited. Seriously, grow up.

[Anonymous]

I have four kids and experience this with my youngest. Many of the girls on her sports teams are the oldest in their family so I am definitely an old mom. I just try to keep it friendly but not looking for friends. The moms are superficially nice but so cliquey. Whatever! Not going back to middle school with the feelings!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.

It was not invented for 40 year old women who should know better than to publicize their social gatherings. It truly is a violation of social norms to do that.

Look, I'm not even on social media so I'm not "that mom". But if it bothers you to see others post things, get off. This is really NBD if people post party pictures and what not. Someone secure and mentally heathy doesn't care. Why are you worrying and caring what others are posting and what you were or weren't invited to? That is the problem. Others are not responsible for your mental well being and making sure you feel included in everything; lest they post a picture and someone not in gets hurt feelings. They are living their own life and not worrying about you. Try it.

DP here.

A secure and mentally healthy person would not need to post photos of private social events to social media. It's attention-seeking behavior, In specific cases, it is likely done with the express goal of making people feel excluded, because people with low-esteem often get a boost from feeling better than others.

I'd also argue that repeatedly arguing with strangers on the internet about whether or not it is okay for them to feel sad or hurt by social media posts is not a sign of a secure and mentally healthy person. To quote you, why do you care? Why does it matter to you if some people complain on an anonymous online board about this? How does it impact you? Why don't you take your own advice and simply log off?

The truth is that the world is full of people who are insecure and struggling with mental health. I am one of them some days. You seem to believe that if people just suck it up, suddenly there will be no more social exclusion, no more hurt feelings, no more interpersonal drama. This is what you have called an "unreasonable expectation." Human beings are programmed to seek out social connection, and thus also programmed to experience distress when they feel socially alienated. You can't just eliminate these needs or responses -- they in some ways define us as people.

I personally think that your anger, frustration, and lack of empathy on this subject indicates that something about this is triggering for you. I don't know you so I don't know what it is. Perhaps, again, you should take your own advice and speak to a therapist about it. You could start by saying, "I feel very agitated when people talk about feeling left or excluded." That's an interesting emotional response and a therapist could help you figure out where it is coming from so that you no longer have such strong reactions to comments by anonymous people in an online forum.

I think that your emotional response to this conversation with strangers is more of a problem than the responses PP's are having to feeling excluded by people they actually know and interact with in real life. Their responses make more sense to me -- they care because these people are their friends, neighbors, and members of their immediate community. But your response on this board is a mystery. You don't know any of these people, so why do you care if they feel sad? It's interesting. Maybe you should look inward and see if you can figure it out.

You're speaking with authority and yet you begin with a blanket statement that is not universally true. It is your opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.

It was not invented for 40 year old women who should know better than to publicize their social gatherings. It truly is a violation of social norms to do that.

Look, I'm not even on social media so I'm not "that mom". But if it bothers you to see others post things, get off. This is really NBD if people post party pictures and what not. Someone secure and mentally heathy doesn't care. Why are you worrying and caring what others are posting and what you were or weren't invited to? That is the problem. Others are not responsible for your mental well being and making sure you feel included in everything; lest they post a picture and someone not in gets hurt feelings. They are living their own life and not worrying about you. Try it.

DP here.

A secure and mentally healthy person would not need to post photos of private social events to social media. It's attention-seeking behavior, In specific cases, it is likely done with the express goal of making people feel excluded, because people with low-esteem often get a boost from feeling better than others.

I'd also argue that repeatedly arguing with strangers on the internet about whether or not it is okay for them to feel sad or hurt by social media posts is not a sign of a secure and mentally healthy person. To quote you, why do you care? Why does it matter to you if some people complain on an anonymous online board about this? How does it impact you? Why don't you take your own advice and simply log off?

The truth is that the world is full of people who are insecure and struggling with mental health. I am one of them some days. You seem to believe that if people just suck it up, suddenly there will be no more social exclusion, no more hurt feelings, no more interpersonal drama. This is what you have called an "unreasonable expectation." Human beings are programmed to seek out social connection, and thus also programmed to experience distress when they feel socially alienated. You can't just eliminate these needs or responses -- they in some ways define us as people.

I personally think that your anger, frustration, and lack of empathy on this subject indicates that something about this is triggering for you. I don't know you so I don't know what it is. Perhaps, again, you should take your own advice and speak to a therapist about it. You could start by saying, "I feel very agitated when people talk about feeling left or excluded." That's an interesting emotional response and a therapist could help you figure out where it is coming from so that you no longer have such strong reactions to comments by anonymous people in an online forum.

I think that your emotional response to this conversation with strangers is more of a problem than the responses PP's are having to feeling excluded by people they actually know and interact with in real life. Their responses make more sense to me -- they care because these people are their friends, neighbors, and members of their immediate community. But your response on this board is a mystery. You don't know any of these people, so why do you care if they feel sad? It's interesting. Maybe you should look inward and see if you can figure it out.

You're speaking with authority and yet you begin with a blanket statement that is not universally true. It is your opinion.

DP, but what motivates people to post pictures of exclusive social events on wider social media? To what end? I'm generally curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.

Wow that's a huge leap you just made. Where did I say nothing should be posted? Maybe all the exclusive moms night teehee is too much but there are a lot of other things that are fair game. Posts about kids, trips, dinners, anniversaries, etc etc. There's a long list of things that people can use social media for. Sorry you don't like it when people notice your bad manners with your super special mom clique. We get it, you're in the club.

So like, your list is just family things. Should we not post about good times with our friends?

Do you really need to? What kind of validation do you need from others? Are you afraid they think nobody actually likes you? I bet you're the one who always chimes in "sorry I couldn't make it, looks like fun!" Just in case someone thought you weren't actually invited. Seriously, grow up.

Does anyone need to post ANYTHING on FB? Do you need to post photos of your kids? Of your dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.

It was not invented for 40 year old women who should know better than to publicize their social gatherings. It truly is a violation of social norms to do that.

Look, I'm not even on social media so I'm not "that mom". But if it bothers you to see others post things, get off. This is really NBD if people post party pictures and what not. Someone secure and mentally heathy doesn't care. Why are you worrying and caring what others are posting and what you were or weren't invited to? That is the problem. Others are not responsible for your mental well being and making sure you feel included in everything; lest they post a picture and someone not in gets hurt feelings. They are living their own life and not worrying about you. Try it.

DP here.

A secure and mentally healthy person would not need to post photos of private social events to social media. It's attention-seeking behavior, In specific cases, it is likely done with the express goal of making people feel excluded, because people with low-esteem often get a boost from feeling better than others.

I'd also argue that repeatedly arguing with strangers on the internet about whether or not it is okay for them to feel sad or hurt by social media posts is not a sign of a secure and mentally healthy person. To quote you, why do you care? Why does it matter to you if some people complain on an anonymous online board about this? How does it impact you? Why don't you take your own advice and simply log off?

The truth is that the world is full of people who are insecure and struggling with mental health. I am one of them some days. You seem to believe that if people just suck it up, suddenly there will be no more social exclusion, no more hurt feelings, no more interpersonal drama. This is what you have called an "unreasonable expectation." Human beings are programmed to seek out social connection, and thus also programmed to experience distress when they feel socially alienated. You can't just eliminate these needs or responses -- they in some ways define us as people.

I personally think that your anger, frustration, and lack of empathy on this subject indicates that something about this is triggering for you. I don't know you so I don't know what it is. Perhaps, again, you should take your own advice and speak to a therapist about it. You could start by saying, "I feel very agitated when people talk about feeling left or excluded." That's an interesting emotional response and a therapist could help you figure out where it is coming from so that you no longer have such strong reactions to comments by anonymous people in an online forum.

I think that your emotional response to this conversation with strangers is more of a problem than the responses PP's are having to feeling excluded by people they actually know and interact with in real life. Their responses make more sense to me -- they care because these people are their friends, neighbors, and members of their immediate community. But your response on this board is a mystery. You don't know any of these people, so why do you care if they feel sad? It's interesting. Maybe you should look inward and see if you can figure it out.

You're speaking with authority and yet you begin with a blanket statement that is not universally true. It is your opinion.

DP, but what motivates people to post pictures of exclusive social events on wider social media? To what end? I'm generally curious.

Why post anything at all to social media? At what point does it go from acceptable to unacceptable to you?

Like, based on the examples above, at what point does the photo cross the line?

1. A photo of what I am eating for dinner
2. A photo of me with my husband and kids at dinner
3. A photo of me with my immediate family plus grandparents at dinner
4. A photo of me with a large group of immediate and extended family at dinner
5. A photo of me with with my immediate family plus a parent friend and their child at dinner

I am legitimately curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.

It was not invented for 40 year old women who should know better than to publicize their social gatherings. It truly is a violation of social norms to do that.

Look, I'm not even on social media so I'm not "that mom". But if it bothers you to see others post things, get off. This is really NBD if people post party pictures and what not. Someone secure and mentally heathy doesn't care. Why are you worrying and caring what others are posting and what you were or weren't invited to? That is the problem. Others are not responsible for your mental well being and making sure you feel included in everything; lest they post a picture and someone not in gets hurt feelings. They are living their own life and not worrying about you. Try it.

DP here.

A secure and mentally healthy person would not need to post photos of private social events to social media. It's attention-seeking behavior, In specific cases, it is likely done with the express goal of making people feel excluded, because people with low-esteem often get a boost from feeling better than others.

I'd also argue that repeatedly arguing with strangers on the internet about whether or not it is okay for them to feel sad or hurt by social media posts is not a sign of a secure and mentally healthy person. To quote you, why do you care? Why does it matter to you if some people complain on an anonymous online board about this? How does it impact you? Why don't you take your own advice and simply log off?

The truth is that the world is full of people who are insecure and struggling with mental health. I am one of them some days. You seem to believe that if people just suck it up, suddenly there will be no more social exclusion, no more hurt feelings, no more interpersonal drama. This is what you have called an "unreasonable expectation." Human beings are programmed to seek out social connection, and thus also programmed to experience distress when they feel socially alienated. You can't just eliminate these needs or responses -- they in some ways define us as people.

I personally think that your anger, frustration, and lack of empathy on this subject indicates that something about this is triggering for you. I don't know you so I don't know what it is. Perhaps, again, you should take your own advice and speak to a therapist about it. You could start by saying, "I feel very agitated when people talk about feeling left or excluded." That's an interesting emotional response and a therapist could help you figure out where it is coming from so that you no longer have such strong reactions to comments by anonymous people in an online forum.

I think that your emotional response to this conversation with strangers is more of a problem than the responses PP's are having to feeling excluded by people they actually know and interact with in real life. Their responses make more sense to me -- they care because these people are their friends, neighbors, and members of their immediate community. But your response on this board is a mystery. You don't know any of these people, so why do you care if they feel sad? It's interesting. Maybe you should look inward and see if you can figure it out.

You're speaking with authority and yet you begin with a blanket statement that is not universally true. It is your opinion.

DP, but what motivates people to post pictures of exclusive social events on wider social media? To what end? I'm generally curious.

NP
The answer is sharing good times.

That said, I enjoyed sharing and seeing what other people were up to. I loved it but I did fear some people (like you and other posts I've read) would see it as showing off so I refrained from posting pics of fancy vacations in favor of pics on area hikes. Finally, I got off because some people have issues with social media and I don't want to be a source of making some feel bad just to share joy with some others. That was just a factor, my main reasons were privacy and time management.

[Anonymous]

well i have posted photos of social events with friends to celebrate their accomplishments sometimes. like a friend who received a promotion and celebrated with a small event. i was truly happy for him and was delighted to tell him why. i also knew that it would be welcomed.

in another case, a friend just moved across the country. we have tons of mutual friends, and i am the first person who got to see her. i posted a photo of us at a nice event, and a lot of our friends were happy to see that she is doing well already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.

It was not invented for 40 year old women who should know better than to publicize their social gatherings. It truly is a violation of social norms to do that.

Look, I'm not even on social media so I'm not "that mom". But if it bothers you to see others post things, get off. This is really NBD if people post party pictures and what not. Someone secure and mentally heathy doesn't care. Why are you worrying and caring what others are posting and what you were or weren't invited to? That is the problem. Others are not responsible for your mental well being and making sure you feel included in everything; lest they post a picture and someone not in gets hurt feelings. They are living their own life and not worrying about you. Try it.

DP here.

A secure and mentally healthy person would not need to post photos of private social events to social media. It's attention-seeking behavior, In specific cases, it is likely done with the express goal of making people feel excluded, because people with low-esteem often get a boost from feeling better than others.

I'd also argue that repeatedly arguing with strangers on the internet about whether or not it is okay for them to feel sad or hurt by social media posts is not a sign of a secure and mentally healthy person. To quote you, why do you care? Why does it matter to you if some people complain on an anonymous online board about this? How does it impact you? Why don't you take your own advice and simply log off?

The truth is that the world is full of people who are insecure and struggling with mental health. I am one of them some days. You seem to believe that if people just suck it up, suddenly there will be no more social exclusion, no more hurt feelings, no more interpersonal drama. This is what you have called an "unreasonable expectation." Human beings are programmed to seek out social connection, and thus also programmed to experience distress when they feel socially alienated. You can't just eliminate these needs or responses -- they in some ways define us as people.

I personally think that your anger, frustration, and lack of empathy on this subject indicates that something about this is triggering for you. I don't know you so I don't know what it is. Perhaps, again, you should take your own advice and speak to a therapist about it. You could start by saying, "I feel very agitated when people talk about feeling left or excluded." That's an interesting emotional response and a therapist could help you figure out where it is coming from so that you no longer have such strong reactions to comments by anonymous people in an online forum.

I think that your emotional response to this conversation with strangers is more of a problem than the responses PP's are having to feeling excluded by people they actually know and interact with in real life. Their responses make more sense to me -- they care because these people are their friends, neighbors, and members of their immediate community. But your response on this board is a mystery. You don't know any of these people, so why do you care if they feel sad? It's interesting. Maybe you should look inward and see if you can figure it out.

You're speaking with authority and yet you begin with a blanket statement that is not universally true. It is your opinion.

DP, but what motivates people to post pictures of exclusive social events on wider social media? To what end? I'm generally curious.

Why post anything at all to social media? At what point does it go from acceptable to unacceptable to you?

Like, based on the examples above, at what point does the photo cross the line?

1. A photo of what I am eating for dinner
2. A photo of me with my husband and kids at dinner
3. A photo of me with my immediate family plus grandparents at dinner
4. A photo of me with a large group of immediate and extended family at dinner
5. A photo of me with with my immediate family plus a parent friend and their child at dinner

I am legitimately curious.

Please. This isn't an all or nothing issue, so stop making it that. It's not "post nothing on social media" or "post everything on social media."

It's having a modicum of awareness about what you post and why you post it, and recognizing that people might perceive you a certain way based on what you post. You may or may not care what other people think about you, but if you frequently post on social, you probably do.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.

It was not invented for 40 year old women who should know better than to publicize their social gatherings. It truly is a violation of social norms to do that.

Look, I'm not even on social media so I'm not "that mom". But if it bothers you to see others post things, get off. This is really NBD if people post party pictures and what not. Someone secure and mentally heathy doesn't care. Why are you worrying and caring what others are posting and what you were or weren't invited to? That is the problem. Others are not responsible for your mental well being and making sure you feel included in everything; lest they post a picture and someone not in gets hurt feelings. They are living their own life and not worrying about you. Try it.

DP here.

A secure and mentally healthy person would not need to post photos of private social events to social media. It's attention-seeking behavior, In specific cases, it is likely done with the express goal of making people feel excluded, because people with low-esteem often get a boost from feeling better than others.

I'd also argue that repeatedly arguing with strangers on the internet about whether or not it is okay for them to feel sad or hurt by social media posts is not a sign of a secure and mentally healthy person. To quote you, why do you care? Why does it matter to you if some people complain on an anonymous online board about this? How does it impact you? Why don't you take your own advice and simply log off?

The truth is that the world is full of people who are insecure and struggling with mental health. I am one of them some days. You seem to believe that if people just suck it up, suddenly there will be no more social exclusion, no more hurt feelings, no more interpersonal drama. This is what you have called an "unreasonable expectation." Human beings are programmed to seek out social connection, and thus also programmed to experience distress when they feel socially alienated. You can't just eliminate these needs or responses -- they in some ways define us as people.

I personally think that your anger, frustration, and lack of empathy on this subject indicates that something about this is triggering for you. I don't know you so I don't know what it is. Perhaps, again, you should take your own advice and speak to a therapist about it. You could start by saying, "I feel very agitated when people talk about feeling left or excluded." That's an interesting emotional response and a therapist could help you figure out where it is coming from so that you no longer have such strong reactions to comments by anonymous people in an online forum.

I think that your emotional response to this conversation with strangers is more of a problem than the responses PP's are having to feeling excluded by people they actually know and interact with in real life. Their responses make more sense to me -- they care because these people are their friends, neighbors, and members of their immediate community. But your response on this board is a mystery. You don't know any of these people, so why do you care if they feel sad? It's interesting. Maybe you should look inward and see if you can figure it out.

You're speaking with authority and yet you begin with a blanket statement that is not universally true. It is your opinion.

DP, but what motivates people to post pictures of exclusive social events on wider social media? To what end? I'm generally curious.

Why post anything at all to social media? At what point does it go from acceptable to unacceptable to you?

Like, based on the examples above, at what point does the photo cross the line?

1. A photo of what I am eating for dinner
2. A photo of me with my husband and kids at dinner
3. A photo of me with my immediate family plus grandparents at dinner
4. A photo of me with a large group of immediate and extended family at dinner
5. A photo of me with with my immediate family plus a parent friend and their child at dinner

I am legitimately curious.

I posted at 14:19 and enjoy food/people/nature pics. I am now in a private messaging group with a few friends who like that and we share there with plenty of "eat your heart out" food pics, including recipe sharing. I can also do more bragging about kid achievments without worrying about showing off. It takes about 5 minutes a day because we are such a small group. I see their families hanging out or a kid doing something silly, it's fun for us but we love each other.

[Anonymous]

Folks, there are studies about this. Social media is addictive, designed to cause a decreasing dopamine response in users that keeps them coming back for more. The argument that people should just "get off social media" if it bothers them, or that people who feel left out or sad when they see social media posts are somehow outliers is just not reflective of what we know about these platforms. This is a good summary:

https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/it-or-not-social-medias-affecting-your-mental-health

No one in this scenario can claim mental health. The people posting all their social events and life milestones are doing so because they are addicted to the dopamine hit they get when they receive likes and comments on these posts. They are doing it because the platform rewards them for this behavior. And people who see these posts and feel left out and sad are experiencing a known phenomenon that has been linked to mental health problems. They aren't uniquely troubled, they are normal:

"A 2018 British study tied social media use to decreased, disrupted, and delayed sleep, which is associated with depression, memory loss, and poor academic performance. Social media use can affect users’ physical health even more directly. Researchers know the connection between the mind and the gut can turn anxiety and depression into nausea, headaches, muscle tension, and tremors."

If social media makes you feel happy, you should consider that what you are actually experiencing is a controlled dopamine response manipulated by the platform to get you to log in and engage more. It's like drugs or alcohol -- it can make you feel good, but there is a cost that you may be ignoring. And if social media makes you feel sad and depressed, it is likely because you are NOT getting the controlled dopamine response. Either way, you should probably log off.

The only people benefitting from this back and forth are Facebook shareholders at this point. Just log off! It's bad for you. There are other ways to share photos and events.

[Anonymous]

I am concerned some of you do not have any inkling of experiencing happiness for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am concerned some of you do not have any inkling of experiencing happiness for someone else.

I feel happy for people all the time. I am constantly enriched from learning of the joyful things in the lives of my friends, family, and children.

Seeing a group of people I know and thought I was friends with post pictures from a fun event I wasn't invited to still makes me feel sad.

I think it's disingenuous that you don't understand the difference.