Give them time to figure it out

[Anonymous]

By the time kids become adults, most caring parents need years to get rid of two decades of nature's conditioning to worry about them and protecting them.

If you are currently going through it, take deep breaths and have faith in them to eventually figure things out. They may struggle but they'll learn art of adulting.

[Anonymous]

I find it very hard as I have the opposite problem. I try to step back, and my college kids constantly want my advice, input, help. I don't think a single day has gone by without one of them having some small, medium or large dilemma about something. Today it's my ds who has a summer job offer but not the job he truly wants, and how to juggle this offer with this other job he wants but is waiting on a response for, and this other third job...I find it exhausting and I do not want to give input. I often resist and do not, but then it weighs on me.

[Anonymous]

Such good advice.

PP I'm in the same boat. My kid in college calls and texts every day. Sometimes just to chat and share, but often with a request for a solution. I've taken to the socratic method... "What are you thinking? What outcome are you hoping for?" and so on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such good advice.

PP I'm in the same boat. My kid in college calls and texts every day. Sometimes just to chat and share, but often with a request for a solution. I've taken to the socratic method... "What are you thinking? What outcome are you hoping for?" and so on

Yes, I try that too but I do absorb the worry. I know that part is a "me" problem but I would love to not even have that on my brain at all. My feeling is it's their lives, they should manage them. I am really hoping they get there at some point. Sometimes I wonder if it's bad they are even asking. My parents provided me with NO guidance so the temptation to ask was not there, but I also figured things out on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it very hard as I have the opposite problem. I try to step back, and my college kids constantly want my advice, input, help. I don't think a single day has gone by without one of them having some small, medium or large dilemma about something. Today it's my ds who has a summer job offer but not the job he truly wants, and how to juggle this offer with this other job he wants but is waiting on a response for, and this other third job...I find it exhausting and I do not want to give input. I often resist and do not, but then it weighs on me.

This is a cautionary tale for you parents out there will kids who are middle/high school. They are like this because:

a. They have not formed judgement because they were always told what to do/like
b. If they have opinions, they don't trust them
c. They want your thoughts because they are afraid you will come in with an opinion later; why not just cut to the chase
d. They are so afraid of failure or a misstep since they have been told forever that a mistake could "ruin their chances at" x, y, or z
d. They know you don't trust them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very hard as I have the opposite problem. I try to step back, and my college kids constantly want my advice, input, help. I don't think a single day has gone by without one of them having some small, medium or large dilemma about something. Today it's my ds who has a summer job offer but not the job he truly wants, and how to juggle this offer with this other job he wants but is waiting on a response for, and this other third job...I find it exhausting and I do not want to give input. I often resist and do not, but then it weighs on me.

This is a cautionary tale for you parents out there will kids who are middle/high school. They are like this because:

a. They have not formed judgement because they were always told what to do/like
b. If they have opinions, they don't trust them
c. They want your thoughts because they are afraid you will come in with an opinion later; why not just cut to the chase
d. They are so afraid of failure or a misstep since they have been told forever that a mistake could "ruin their chances at" x, y, or z
d. They know you don't trust them

Speak for yourself, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very hard as I have the opposite problem. I try to step back, and my college kids constantly want my advice, input, help. I don't think a single day has gone by without one of them having some small, medium or large dilemma about something. Today it's my ds who has a summer job offer but not the job he truly wants, and how to juggle this offer with this other job he wants but is waiting on a response for, and this other third job...I find it exhausting and I do not want to give input. I often resist and do not, but then it weighs on me.

This is a cautionary tale for you parents out there will kids who are middle/high school. They are like this because:

a. They have not formed judgement because they were always told what to do/like
b. If they have opinions, they don't trust them
c. They want your thoughts because they are afraid you will come in with an opinion later; why not just cut to the chase
d. They are so afraid of failure or a misstep since they have been told forever that a mistake could "ruin their chances at" x, y, or z
d. They know you don't trust them

Speak for yourself, please.

Yeah, I'm the former poster and none of that applies. My kids are not ultra high expectations kids raised in a high pressure environment, and they have made plenty of mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very hard as I have the opposite problem. I try to step back, and my college kids constantly want my advice, input, help. I don't think a single day has gone by without one of them having some small, medium or large dilemma about something. Today it's my ds who has a summer job offer but not the job he truly wants, and how to juggle this offer with this other job he wants but is waiting on a response for, and this other third job...I find it exhausting and I do not want to give input. I often resist and do not, but then it weighs on me.

This is a cautionary tale for you parents out there will kids who are middle/high school. They are like this because:

a. They have not formed judgement because they were always told what to do/like
b. If they have opinions, they don't trust them
c. They want your thoughts because they are afraid you will come in with an opinion later; why not just cut to the chase
d. They are so afraid of failure or a misstep since they have been told forever that a mistake could "ruin their chances at" x, y, or z
d. They know you don't trust them

yeah not so sure about that. that’s alot of conclusions based on the fact that PPs AC reaches out for advice or to talk. Sometimes they just want to talk it out or they dont trust themselves. I think it’s nice that they talk to their parents still. A lot of ACs put up walls and communication drops once they leave the nest.

[Anonymous]

My parents never advised me, and I had to figure it all out on my own, but that's in part because they are immigrants. I had to really hustle.

One of my DC's has it all figured out. Hopefully will get a return offer from the internship but if not, I know that they know how to hustle and find something. But even this DC still asks for advice on certain things. I think it's fine because they don't have the experience to understand what the choices may mean. I see nothing wrong with that. They ask about things like health insurance, benefits, etc. I wish someone had advised me on those things when I started working.

The other DC I worry more for but we shall see. This DC is about to start college.

It would be hard as a parent to see them flailing around since I had to really hustle and figure it out. They had a much more privileged up bringing than I did. If they aren't able to figure it out then I did not do my job as a parent.

[Anonymous]

I am a first gen immigrant and in our household free debate and deliberation is the norm.

Kids make awesome decisions and they will touch base with us to go over it. When I listen to their reasoning and deep analysis - I don't see any confusion, fear or hesitation. It is comforting as a parent to see how their mind works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very hard as I have the opposite problem. I try to step back, and my college kids constantly want my advice, input, help. I don't think a single day has gone by without one of them having some small, medium or large dilemma about something. Today it's my ds who has a summer job offer but not the job he truly wants, and how to juggle this offer with this other job he wants but is waiting on a response for, and this other third job...I find it exhausting and I do not want to give input. I often resist and do not, but then it weighs on me.

This is a cautionary tale for you parents out there will kids who are middle/high school. They are like this because:

a. They have not formed judgement because they were always told what to do/like
b. If they have opinions, they don't trust them
c. They want your thoughts because they are afraid you will come in with an opinion later; why not just cut to the chase
d. They are so afraid of failure or a misstep since they have been told forever that a mistake could "ruin their chances at" x, y, or z
d. They know you don't trust them

What about the adhd/asd kids who actually do have poor judgment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Such good advice.

PP I'm in the same boat. My kid in college calls and texts every day. Sometimes just to chat and share, but often with a request for a solution. I've taken to the socratic method... "What are you thinking? What outcome are you hoping for?" and so on

Yes, I try that too but I do absorb the worry. I know that part is a "me" problem but I would love to not even have that on my brain at all. My feeling is it's their lives, they should manage them. I am really hoping they get there at some point. Sometimes I wonder if it's bad they are even asking. My parents provided me with NO guidance so the temptation to ask was not there, but I also figured things out on my own.

Second the poster suggesting socratic method.

And also - some people are internal deliberators and some people talk things out. If your kid is turning to you it might be as a parent but also just as a talk-through partner/sounding board. So perhaps lean into that. Provide less advice but more Qs so you are helping then learn the *process* of thinking through their own decisions well. And also encourage then to talk these things out with others - roommates, siblings, etc.

If your kid needs someone to bounce ideas off in order to think through them well, that’s how their brain works and is unlikely to change, but it doesn’t have to be *you*.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Such good advice.

PP I'm in the same boat. My kid in college calls and texts every day. Sometimes just to chat and share, but often with a request for a solution. I've taken to the socratic method... "What are you thinking? What outcome are you hoping for?" and so on

Yes, I try that too but I do absorb the worry. I know that part is a "me" problem but I would love to not even have that on my brain at all. My feeling is it's their lives, they should manage them. I am really hoping they get there at some point. Sometimes I wonder if it's bad they are even asking. My parents provided me with NO guidance so the temptation to ask was not there, but I also figured things out on my own.

Second the poster suggesting socratic method.

And also - some people are internal deliberators and some people talk things out. If your kid is turning to you it might be as a parent but also just as a talk-through partner/sounding board. So perhaps lean into that. Provide less advice but more Qs so you are helping then learn the *process* of thinking through their own decisions well. And also encourage then to talk these things out with others - roommates, siblings, etc.

If your kid needs someone to bounce ideas off in order to think through them well, that’s how their brain works and is unlikely to change, but it doesn’t have to be *you*.

It's not bouncing ideas at all, it's more like a wish he could outsource thinking to not have to think through ideas, or just complaining through ideas. So the minute the thought is "aired out" I feel involved no matter what I say or don't say. He often wants to just complain about having to deal with it, how he doesn't know what to do and of course he hopes I will just give him a solution...Then eventually, but after a lot of time hearing all this which puts a damper on whatever it is we are doing, he will eventually say he's going to "figure it out", and he does.

Yesterday he called during work about it, then at dinner he would not stop freaking out: the website isn't working to submit my paperwork, and do I want to do this, what if this other job is better, and that interview is coming up...He has a situation with two job offers and a second interview for a job he wants more than both, and everything is coming at once. I know it IS stressful (though also great: all three are good jobs!!), but there is little I can do and I have heard about all this non stop all week. I finally had to tell him we had talked about it enough and he needs to decide for himself and just handle it.

All this is VERY typical for him. He was also freaking out during finals and of course he did great. But there were a lot of calls dumping his anxiety on us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very hard as I have the opposite problem. I try to step back, and my college kids constantly want my advice, input, help. I don't think a single day has gone by without one of them having some small, medium or large dilemma about something. Today it's my ds who has a summer job offer but not the job he truly wants, and how to juggle this offer with this other job he wants but is waiting on a response for, and this other third job...I find it exhausting and I do not want to give input. I often resist and do not, but then it weighs on me.

This is a cautionary tale for you parents out there will kids who are middle/high school. They are like this because:

a. They have not formed judgement because they were always told what to do/like
b. If they have opinions, they don't trust them
c. They want your thoughts because they are afraid you will come in with an opinion later; why not just cut to the chase
d. They are so afraid of failure or a misstep since they have been told forever that a mistake could "ruin their chances at" x, y, or z
d. They know you don't trust them

Or, e., they are the type of people who like to discuss their issues and respect their parents’ opinions (doesn’t mean they don’t respect other opinions, including their own and doesn’t even mean they will take the advice).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very hard as I have the opposite problem. I try to step back, and my college kids constantly want my advice, input, help. I don't think a single day has gone by without one of them having some small, medium or large dilemma about something. Today it's my ds who has a summer job offer but not the job he truly wants, and how to juggle this offer with this other job he wants but is waiting on a response for, and this other third job...I find it exhausting and I do not want to give input. I often resist and do not, but then it weighs on me.

This is a cautionary tale for you parents out there will kids who are middle/high school. They are like this because:

a. They have not formed judgement because they were always told what to do/like
b. If they have opinions, they don't trust them
c. They want your thoughts because they are afraid you will come in with an opinion later; why not just cut to the chase
d. They are so afraid of failure or a misstep since they have been told forever that a mistake could "ruin their chances at" x, y, or z
d. They know you don't trust them

Or, f., they are the type of people who like to discuss their issues and respect their parents’ opinions (doesn’t mean they don’t respect other opinions, including their own and doesn’t even mean they will take the advice).

PP here, correcting my option to f.