Reply to Give them time to figure it out

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Such good advice.

PP I'm in the same boat. My kid in college calls and texts every day. Sometimes just to chat and share, but often with a request for a solution. I've taken to the socratic method... "What are you thinking? What outcome are you hoping for?" and so on [/quote]

Yes, I try that too but I do absorb the worry. I know that part is a "me" problem but I would love to not even have that on my brain at all. My feeling is it's their lives, they should manage them. I am really hoping they get there at some point. Sometimes I wonder if it's bad they are even asking. My parents provided me with NO guidance so the temptation to ask was not there, but I also figured things out on my own.[/quote]

Second the poster suggesting socratic method.

And also - some people are internal deliberators and some people talk things out. If your kid is turning to you it might be as a parent but also just as a talk-through partner/sounding board. So perhaps lean into that. Provide less advice but more Qs so you are helping then learn the *process* of thinking through their own decisions well. And also encourage then to talk these things out with others - roommates, siblings, etc.

If your kid needs someone to bounce ideas off in order to think through them well, that’s how their brain works and is unlikely to change, but it doesn’t have to be *you*.[/quote]

It's not bouncing ideas at all, it's more like a wish he could outsource thinking to not have to think through ideas, or just complaining through ideas. So the minute the thought is "aired out" I feel involved no matter what I say or don't say. He often wants to just complain about having to deal with it, how he doesn't know what to do and of course he hopes I will just give him a solution...Then eventually, but after a lot of time hearing all this which puts a damper on whatever it is we are doing, he will eventually say he's going to "figure it out", and he does.

Yesterday he called during work about it, then at dinner he would not stop freaking out: the website isn't working to submit my paperwork, and do I want to do this, what if this other job is better, and that interview is coming up...He has a situation with two job offers and a second interview for a job he wants more than both, and everything is coming at once. I know it IS stressful (though also great: all three are good jobs!!), but there is little I can do and I have heard about all this non stop all week. I finally had to tell him we had talked about it enough and he needs to decide for himself and just handle it.

All this is VERY typical for him. He was also freaking out during finals and of course he did great. But there were a lot of calls dumping his anxiety on us.[/quote]

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