Still have PTSD from past emotional affair

[Anonymous]

My husband had an emotional affair 5 years ago with a woman he met through his work/travels, who works in the same high-powered field as him. It was short-lived (~1 month of intense texting/flirting) but really shook my world and our marriage. He ended it as soon as I found out (he did not disclose; I saw her number pop up on his phone), and as far as I know, he has been no-contact since it ended. We went to therapy, and things have been quite good since then. He has been an amazing husband--kind, loving, considerate.

This evening, he has a meeting with a woman who matches the exact description (same age, race/ethnicity, position) as the woman he had the affair with. He told me about it this morning, and when I jokingly told him to be careful, he told me she is a very nice person and that I should join them bc she may have some insights into some projects I am working on (I declined b/c that would be weird). I have met this woman before socially, and she is nice (and smart, very pretty, and independently wealthy), but I felt she took an extra interest in my husband when we met. They have a ton in common, and she does have a lot to offer my husband's company (hence the meeting to discuss collaboration and funding). She is not married, but I know she is very actively looking for a partner (she disclosed this when we met). They are meeting at a very nice restaurant (common for my company meetings).

I thought I had gotten over it, but I have been having trouble breathing all day. My stomach feels heavy. I feel very anxious. I guess I'm not over it, and this is what PTSD is like. I don't feel like I can say anything else to my husband b/c I have no reason to be suspicious. I would sound crazy.
Is this what it is going to be like forever? This indicates to me that I don't trust my husband either, which I thought I had come to over the last 5 years. Will I never actually trust him again? It feels horrible.

Not sure what I'm asking for--just venting and hoping someone has advice or has experienced something similar to commiserate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an emotional affair 5 years ago with a woman he met through his work/travels, who works in the same high-powered field as him. It was short-lived (~1 month of intense texting/flirting) but really shook my world and our marriage. He ended it as soon as I found out (he did not disclose; I saw her number pop up on his phone), and as far as I know, he has been no-contact since it ended. We went to therapy, and things have been quite good since then. He has been an amazing husband--kind, loving, considerate.

This evening, he has a meeting with a woman who matches the exact description (same age, race/ethnicity, position) as the woman he had the affair with. He told me about it this morning, and when I jokingly told him to be careful, he told me she is a very nice person and that I should join them bc she may have some insights into some projects I am working on (I declined b/c that would be weird). I have met this woman before socially, and she is nice (and smart, very pretty, and independently wealthy), but I felt she took an extra interest in my husband when we met. They have a ton in common, and she does have a lot to offer my husband's company (hence the meeting to discuss collaboration and funding). She is not married, but I know she is very actively looking for a partner (she disclosed this when we met). They are meeting at a very nice restaurant (common for my company meetings).

I thought I had gotten over it, but I have been having trouble breathing all day. My stomach feels heavy. I feel very anxious. I guess I'm not over it, and this is what PTSD is like. I don't feel like I can say anything else to my husband b/c I have no reason to be suspicious. I would sound crazy.
Is this what it is going to be like forever? This indicates to me that I don't trust my husband either, which I thought I had come to over the last 5 years. Will I never actually trust him again? It feels horrible.

Not sure what I'm asking for--just venting and hoping someone has advice or has experienced something similar to commiserate.

My DH had an actual affair fifteen years ago. Yes, it will be like this forever and no, I doubt you will ever fully trust him again.

My recommendation is to is to ensure that you are financially independent and have your own interests and self esteem beyond your marriage. This way, you will know that if it ever happens again, you can leave and ultimately it will be okay. You can't seek reassurance from your DH because there's nothing meaningful he could offer. The best he can do is be open and not secretive or do things that look shady.

None of this is meant to be negative- it's just that when someone you trust and love betrays you at a fundamental level, it's traumatizing. It's why so many affairs end in divorce.
It's always there although you might learn to cope better. Your DH's affair didn't tip into the physical, so you're not dealing with lie piled on top of lie, and that is a good thing that bodes well for your future together.

[Anonymous]

You will never get over or move pass the man you married cheating on you.

Joking with him to be careful - yeah no.
🚩

[Anonymous]

Sounds like some individual therapy would be good for you right now. This doesn’t mean you will never get over it or that your marriage is doomed. Just means that there still are some issues to work through. Lean into it.

[Anonymous]

I would have gone with him to the dinner. At a minimum to reduce her turning on the charm to get whatever she wants out of the meeting.

He invited you. I know you wanted to demonstrate trust but sometimes showing up suggests interest in defending your turf. Some people want to know you care.

When he gets home you should tell him that you know that person is looking for a partner and to let you know if her interest crosses any lines. At least then he'll know you are concerned. He should know. But don't revisit the past more than that.

[Anonymous]

You will never fully trust him again and it’s a good idea to keep your eye open and have plans in place. EMDR therapy might be helpful for you.

[Anonymous]

If your husband wants to pursue this woman your presence at a single dinner won’t make a difference. You cannot fully trust him again, but therapy can help you to not live in daily pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like some individual therapy would be good for you right now. This doesn’t mean you will never get over it or that your marriage is doomed. Just means that there still are some issues to work through. Lean into it.

Agree. op says in the title she has ptsd from it. Not to minimize your very real, valid feelings, op, but your reaction (ptsd, fawning/trauma response in similar scenario) to an emotional affair from years ago betrays a deeper layer of trauma which likely predates you knowing your dh. Therapy is a good place to start and sort through your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Go to that dinner and meet the woman. And stay in the picture
Lessens the risk of an affair for both of them.

(I should have noticed the sign when my husband stopped inviting me to work events and outings with his “work wife”. They had a long emotional affair resulting in full affair, divorce and now he lives with her).

[Anonymous]

PTSD? Texting with a women for a month is not a reason for PTSD. You have some resilience issues. This is insulting to veterans and others that have PTSD from experiencing horrific situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PTSD? Texting with a women for a month is not a reason for PTSD. You have some resilience issues. This is insulting to veterans and others that have PTSD from experiencing horrific situations.

+1000000

[Anonymous]

I missed the part where OP said her husband did anything beyond having a crush on a friend. Sure, it's not great, but it's not a life altering trauma.

Have you tried having an adult conversation about how it hurt your feelings, and the secrecy was the worst part, and you want him to be able to have women friends but feel ashamed that he has to hire them,and then did you make an effort to folllow through and engage in an "emotional affair" with him?

Rough spots in a marriage are issues to work through, not just permanent steps toward walking away from it.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
Thank you to those who responded with insights and advice. It was helpful and I agree, I have to seek individual therapy to help me better regulate and deal with such circumstances when they arise. Started the search yesterday.

And also agree— I know deep down that I will never have the level of trust that I did pre-affair. I think I’ve just been deluding myself that we can get there again. I’m sad and resigned.

I do have my financial affairs in order, my own career and good family/friend support. It might help me to envision what practical, next steps would look like if things went south, so that I don’t feel like the rug was pulled out from under me.

The meeting was for drinks only and my husband called me as soon as it was over (a little over an hour). It was productive in that she wants to invest in his company and also will make introductions that will help his business. Obviously, not so great in that she will be in the picture more. Need to figure out how I’m going to deal.

To those who think I’m overreacting and saying PTSD is unfair to war vets—fair point, it was probably an overstatement that I used in an anxious state. But I did have a visceral reaction that tells me I need to delve deeper and figure stuff out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PTSD? Texting with a women for a month is not a reason for PTSD. You have some resilience issues. This is insulting to veterans and others that have PTSD from experiencing horrific situations.

I have cptsd and was not insulted by op's characterization. If she is exaggerating her distress, she should clarify. If she is in fact experiencing ptsd symptoms, she may have childhood trauma or neglect in her past. Having a background involving trauma makes it possible to have trauma responses in adulthood to things which wouldn't necessarily traumatize someone who was raised well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an emotional affair 5 years ago with a woman he met through his work/travels, who works in the same high-powered field as him. It was short-lived (~1 month of intense texting/flirting) but really shook my world and our marriage. He ended it as soon as I found out (he did not disclose; I saw her number pop up on his phone), and as far as I know, he has been no-contact since it ended. We went to therapy, and things have been quite good since then. He has been an amazing husband--kind, loving, considerate.

This evening, he has a meeting with a woman who matches the exact description (same age, race/ethnicity, position) as the woman he had the affair with. He told me about it this morning, and when I jokingly told him to be careful, he told me she is a very nice person and that I should join them bc she may have some insights into some projects I am working on (I declined b/c that would be weird). I have met this woman before socially, and she is nice (and smart, very pretty, and independently wealthy), but I felt she took an extra interest in my husband when we met. They have a ton in common, and she does have a lot to offer my husband's company (hence the meeting to discuss collaboration and funding). She is not married, but I know she is very actively looking for a partner (she disclosed this when we met). They are meeting at a very nice restaurant (common for my company meetings).

I thought I had gotten over it, but I have been having trouble breathing all day. My stomach feels heavy. I feel very anxious. I guess I'm not over it, and this is what PTSD is like. I don't feel like I can say anything else to my husband b/c I have no reason to be suspicious. I would sound crazy.
Is this what it is going to be like forever? This indicates to me that I don't trust my husband either, which I thought I had come to over the last 5 years. Will I never actually trust him again? It feels horrible.

Not sure what I'm asking for--just venting and hoping someone has advice or has experienced something similar to commiserate.

My DH had an actual affair fifteen years ago. Yes, it will be like this forever and no, I doubt you will ever fully trust him again.

My recommendation is to is to ensure that you are financially independent and have your own interests and self esteem beyond your marriage. This way, you will know that if it ever happens again, you can leave and ultimately it will be okay. You can't seek reassurance from your DH because there's nothing meaningful he could offer. The best he can do is be open and not secretive or do things that look shady.

None of this is meant to be negative- it's just that when someone you trust and love betrays you at a fundamental level, it's traumatizing. It's why so many affairs end in divorce.
It's always there although you might learn to cope better. Your DH's affair didn't tip into the physical, so you're not dealing with lie piled on top of lie, and that is a good thing that bodes well for your future together.

+1