Chalking up bad behavior to old age vs….

[Anonymous]

The fact this elder is really, and has always been, a total jerk? Where do you draw the line between “he’s says mean things because he’s old, maybe in pain, angry at things out of control” and just a complete narcissistic a$$hole flying his true colors on a big flag pole?

This is the situation I’m now facing with my parents who are going to need care in a year. I get a lot of aw shucks, they’re just cranky when they’re really just nasty and cruel on purpose, saying mean things to my kids, making comments related to race, lying, etc. is it age or are they just becoming more of who they really are, and that person is one hell of an SOB.

[Anonymous]

Were they always like this or did they have tendencies?

My father was a very quiet, calm, rational person until he was diagnosed with an incurable disease at 75. He was awful to everyone during his diagnosis period, because he was incredibly stressed out and felt like crap. Now that he's stabilized, he's less prone to anger but still completely wrapped up in himself and has become very self-centered. In his case, it's the disease.

My mother has always been an awful nag, and prone to verbal abuse, such that I've distanced myself and enforced boundaries. She's 75 too. In her case, it's her innate personality.

[Anonymous]

At a certain point they’re not in control. Being a jerk might have been a choice when they were young, but at a certain point aging interferes and they really don’t have a choice. Doesn’t mean you have to put up with it, but it can make it easier to accept the situation instead of hoping they’ll change and blaming them if they don’t.

[Anonymous]

OP here. They were always this way but it’s now amplified. I can’t even tell my husband the stuff that they say because it’s embarrassing because his parents are nothing like this. It would he easier if it were dementia—knowing these sector “normal” personalities is hard. No one in their right mind would want to be around this behavior. In a way it’s very sad to see this is how they’re going to spend their last years because so awful.

[Anonymous]

OP— I know other people thru rage who are nothing like this (early-mid 70s). I can’t help but think this is how their end will be—just two miserable, complaining people lashing out at the world because they’re afraid of it and ultimately angry at themselves.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been wondering this about my father, has he always been that way or is it the old age. In his case it’s not meanness but other not so great qualities.
I’ve been agonizing but you know what helped? I stopped seeing him every few days and started visiting him maybe once every 10 days to two weeks. It kind of put this question on the backburner.

Do you have to hang out with your parents rn? If not, just let them be, step back and time will tell. Once they need care you can revisit.

[Anonymous]

You say they will need care in a year - make that the priority, finding them care. Certainly not you taking care of them. Be the visitor so you can manage boundaries.

Know their finances. If they are going to qualify for medicaid, make sure that happens. They move there they can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They were always this way but it’s now amplified. I can’t even tell my husband the stuff that they say because it’s embarrassing because his parents are nothing like this. It would he easier if it were dementia—knowing these sector “normal” personalities is hard. No one in their right mind would want to be around this behavior. In a way it’s very sad to see this is how they’re going to spend their last years because so awful.

No, you need to say it, because if it stresses you out that much, he needs to understand where you're coming from. My husband is a doctor. He treats the elders in our family like patients: he listens to their complaints, treats their physical ailments, but emotionally detaches from their problematic personalities. His late father had bipolar disorder - my husband has had lots of practice throughout his life.

My husband's mother has always been both high IQ and high EQ. At 90, despite advanced Parkinson's, she's still gracious and caring. My parents are much younger but they don't react as well to their serious illnesses as my MIL, and weren't that mature and thoughtful to begin with. My husband has seen this, and I lean on him for support, because they can be a LOT.

So this is an exercise in emotional detachment.

[Anonymous]

My mom has been caring and sweet during her younger years, but at 75, she has become mean spirited, rude and unkind. Some days I think she is just fed up that she had a miserable life where she catered to everyone and no one (including my dad) took care of her. Other days I feel she had pretended all her life to toe the “be a good girl” line (she is the eldest of 5 and always has been the rescue ranger). Now her true color is showing since she finally didn’t need to care. She judges me constantly. Worst yet she judges my kids even though both are very accomplished. She judges how DH handles our finances. She says racist things and defenses them. She lacks proper education but feels she knows everything and everyone is dumb compared to her. She is so proud that she won’t let the one person who wants to care for her (aka me) do anything nice. I try to take her out (to the mall, to the beach, to see my kids who are away) to spend time with her. She tells me these things are such a waste of time and she is too old to do anything outside her house. I try to buy her gifts, things she likes but never had the stomach to spend $$$ on. She returns them all. I try to go over to see her at her house, but she rushes me out as she doesn’t need to be bothered. But she complains she never got to travel and live the good life she deserves because of her siblings (whom she took care of), because of dad, because of me (the only child), because of my kids (who she was close to at one point and now are all living in other states). DH thinks she is just fed up w life, not with any one person. But all of us are just nearby as collateral for her to lash out at. I am so incredibly sad to watch one of the nicest person, most selfless person I know turning into a monster I don’t recognize. Old age really sucks.

I am not afraid of aging physically, but I am scared of aging badly mentally. I love my family, love the life I have built w DH, love the time I have and shall continue to have w my children. I just hope i don’t turn into that nasty old person when in 30 years.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I'm working through the loss of the relationship I thought I would have with my parents (based on the kind and loving relationships they had with their parents). One parent has been forced into a caretaker role and is not dealing well with the stress. Alcohol, too much Fox News, and a complete resistance to any and all types of help have turned them into a toxic person who lashes out at everyone and then plays the victim card. I am tired of the martyrdom and doing the bare minimum. For example, I'll show up for hospital stays, but not holidays.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all the feedback. I do think emotional detachment will be my best course of action. There is nothing else I can do.

I don't think they have any interest in going to an assisted living facility or even selling their house, which is too big for them at this point and comes with stuff elderly people who are not in great shape can handle like basement infrastructure and appliances-- washer/dryer, boiler, and clutter, clutter, clutter. When asked about moving-- there are lovely garden apartments 10 minutes from their neighborhood and they could purchase one all cash once they sell their house-- my mother has said the same thing for years: I don't know where we'd go, and shuts down the conversation.

My dad has convinced himself, even after heart surgery, that he'll always be in fine shape to manage the house without any help--- I do believe that is, I should emphasize, paid help from third parties who are not family members. Based on what he says and little references to this neighbor's daughter or that one, he expects his kids to step up and pretty much keep him and my mother in that house for eternity. We're supposed to turn into the good daughters who are mother and father's free home health aides and housekeepers washing their windows, shopping, mowing the lawn, eventually taking blood pressure and cutting nails, doing the laundry in the basement so they don't have to consider moving to an apartment complex with an easy to access laundry room that doesn't require going up and down a flight of stairs.

They refuse to entertain the idea of selling and moving to that smaller, manageable apartment that actually could set them up for long-term independence, but they're stubborn and think they can magically will things to go their way. Again-- health issues and the reality of them are not taken into account.

Couple all that with nasty behavior and vicious comments propelled by FOX, yeah, this is going to be an ugly next few years.

[Anonymous]

OP, their behavior is NO reflection on you. Telling your husband is important because he's part of your support team.

[Anonymous]

I was anxious about my dad falling or doing dumb things. My dad told me to cut out the worry, and I had a good cry. But what I detached was the need to control the situation. I’d visit him (out of town) but set boundaries and did minimal stuff. I focused on just sitting and reminiscing with him. He had dementia and would often call a lot. But I practiced patience.

He was less abusive to me than when I was a kid, so your mileage may vary, but if you stop worrying about the future, it might help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the feedback. I do think emotional detachment will be my best course of action. There is nothing else I can do.

I don't think they have any interest in going to an assisted living facility or even selling their house, which is too big for them at this point and comes with stuff elderly people who are not in great shape can handle like basement infrastructure and appliances-- washer/dryer, boiler, and clutter, clutter, clutter. When asked about moving-- there are lovely garden apartments 10 minutes from their neighborhood and they could purchase one all cash once they sell their house-- my mother has said the same thing for years: I don't know where we'd go, and shuts down the conversation.

My dad has convinced himself, even after heart surgery, that he'll always be in fine shape to manage the house without any help--- I do believe that is, I should emphasize, paid help from third parties who are not family members. Based on what he says and little references to this neighbor's daughter or that one, he expects his kids to step up and pretty much keep him and my mother in that house for eternity. We're supposed to turn into the good daughters who are mother and father's free home health aides and housekeepers washing their windows, shopping, mowing the lawn, eventually taking blood pressure and cutting nails, doing the laundry in the basement so they don't have to consider moving to an apartment complex with an easy to access laundry room that doesn't require going up and down a flight of stairs.

They refuse to entertain the idea of selling and moving to that smaller, manageable apartment that actually could set them up for long-term independence, but they're stubborn and think they can magically will things to go their way. Again-- health issues and the reality of them are not taken into account.

Couple all that with nasty behavior and vicious comments propelled by FOX, yeah, this is going to be an ugly next few years.

OP, it's fine to say, "I think you'd be happier and safer in a smaller place. There are some great independent living places, and i'd be happy to take you to tour them. Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to be a caregiver or housekeeper for you."

[Anonymous]

I’d consider managing hired help for them if they agreed to pay the help and most importantly, me! Maybe not pay pay, but give me money for my trouble.